Adventures as of Late

I keep coming back to blogville.
I can't stay away.
This year marks the 7th anniversary of this little place.
Seven years. That's the better part of a decade.
I think the cover of the VHS for the Bette Midler/Barbara Hershey film BEACHES said something like "Friends come and go, others you're stuck with for life."
It's that kinda relationship we have.
"We".
Who is "we"?
I started this blog as a little diary to myself and anyone else who was listening.
Readers have come and gone...never intended to become some kind of "blog sensation" or internet celebrity, and I certainly haven't.
I don't know who I write this for.
Myself? My friends?
Do I self-censor? Of course I do.
People I know read this. I can never be fully honest on here.
Does that defeat the entire purpose?
I don't know. Maybe.
I'll lay down some honestly.
The gym: I haven't gone in a while. Not since early September.
Why?
Fuck. I don't know.
I'm going to start going to a different gym. A cheaper gym.
Boot camp was great.
I love it.
Loved it.
It whipped me into shape.
Today I went shopping for some clothes and was delighted to see that a 34" waist is now a tad too big.
This is from someone who was squeezing his gut into a 38"...and BARELY.
It's been a while since I've been that hefty...but it's been far longer since a size 34 inch waist was too big for me.
This is a first in at least a decade and I have bootcamp to thank.
I have not lost the excercise bug. I am all set up to start new classes (not boot camp) at another gym.
I'll post more on that when I start, which will hopefully be this week.
Summer is nearly gone.
Was stranded on Pelee Island for a few nights in August, which was lovely.
Been rehearsing with a new play.
A big role for me. A 2.5 hour play - Joe Orton's Entertaining Mr. Sloane...and only 4people in the entire cast!
I've never had so many lines and I have to admit, I was terrified.
I still get the whole insecurity thing...I'm a very insecure person, which is probably why I find myself constantly trying to get in front of the microphone.
"Tell me you love me, tell me I'm great, tell me I'm good at something."
Self-indulgent? Maybe?
Grasping for compliments...probably.
Although it is fused with a need and a desire to create something that resonates with someone.
I want to make something that will make someone else think.
I want to write something or act out something or become active and speak loudly about something I believe in...and hopefully - it will inspire someone.
But I also do it for praise.
I do.
The selfish non-artist part of me loves to be told he is good.
And not to play the victim, but even when I am told I am good at something, I can't help but think "Wow...fooled ya."
Not healthy. But I acknowlege it. I can work through it - and in the meantime, hopefully make some interesting art, or a cheap imitation of it.
See the circle?
I had a heck of a week. Broadcasting live at Arts Beats & Eats in Royal Oak.
Hosting an acoustic lounge in Michigan with a few wonderful bands - The Wall Clocks and Robin Horlock.
I hosted a walk for the Windsor Essex Humane Society...I guess it's a new form of animal activism. Not as "in your face"...but still active.
And Entertaining Mr. Sloane.
Here's the poster:


We're in the middle of the run right now. It is ...wonderful.
That's the only thing I can think of.
It's therapeutic to get up on stage and be someone else.
A character.
A repulsive person.
I get to explore the dark and evil side of myself and present it to people.
It's a great feeling...very freeing, once you get through the whole ugly process of learning and memorizing lines.
It feels free. Like walking on stage and releasing yourself.
I have a great cast too. A wonderful group. Four of us. And a great director.
Joe Orton wrote the play, a guy who was 34 years old when he was killed by his boyfriend.
My age.
He was cheating. And he kept a diary. A very graphic, descriptive diary.
His boyfriend clubbed him on the head with a hammer and then downed some pain pills to off himself.
The note he left behind said simply: "If you want to know why...read the diary."
Sad, really. But honest.
I am non-stop busy with work.
9 to 5 office job. My on air DJ work in the evening and on weekends. Sitting on the Board of Directors with Windsor Pride. Working with the theatre.
I lose a bit of myself. "Me Time".
And I lose home time too.
I want to spend more time with Life Partner and Pluto.
Time with myself. In my own head. I haven't written in a long time and that's not good.
Even this blog...it feels great, it feels like stretching an old, stiff muscle.
It's a weird thing.
I mean, my time is now. that's all I have.
Now.
that's all any of us have.
And the stuff I fill it with...it's all wonderful.
All of it. It's fantastic.
It doesn't feel like work.
But there's just not enough time.
Where do I draw the line?
Do I? Or is this just my life?
I sometimes feel I'm not being fair to the people in my life. My friends, my family, Life Partner.
I'm not either.
I'm selfish with a lot of things and that kills me.
Look at me - sounding like some kind of trainwreck mess.
In truth - I know nothing. I really do take each day. I make great decisions and I make horrible decisions. I try to do it all with the best intentions, but motives...motives...what are my motives...?
It's all self-discovery. every day. we think we know who we are and maybe some of us do.
I have no idea who I am. And I don't know if that's necessarily a bad thing.
Just gotta work at it the best way I know how...
and that's to keep on going...so here we go...

still in exile...at least in blogville.
But what is blogville anyway?

dm.