Sexism and the City

I always liked Sex & the City because it pushed and broke tons of rules.
For the first time - even though the formula has been tried a thousand times - it was a realistic, well...semi-realistic portayal of women, single women - searching for, reflecting on and struggling with...Love.
The glitz, the glamour, the ugliness, the bad things men do, the bad things women do...it was all there, it was all very real and very easy to relate to.
Witty, funny, intelligently written.
Smart.
My favorite thing about the show was the fact that the bottom line was this: The only thing Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte EVER needed was each other. Four women who didn't need a man for validation - because validation was in their own personal success - and their close circle of friendship.
Then the movie came out.
Where to begin...?
Carrie is ditched at the altar on her wedding day - humiliated in front of almost 300 people by the guy who was nothing but a smug asshole to her the ENTIRE series. Lest we forget - Mr. Big was the guy who hurt and dumped her countless times, married someone else, only showed interest in Carrie when she found someone else who she MIGHT actually be happy with - had an affair with her and fucked that up for her and was just a stereotypical ASSHOLE throughout the series.
Likeable? No. He wasn't. I never liked Big.
"I never liked him either," Life Partner said.
So - staying true to character - he humiliates her on their wedding day - gives a lame excuse "I just didn't know that it was still you and me, honey..." and all but DESTROYS her self-esteem.
But ...he builds her a super nice closet for all her pretty girly things (what girl would't melt?) and proposes again.
And...she takes him back. Even apologizes to him for allowing herself to indulge in designer dresses and have the glamourous wedding she always dreamed of.
Poor Mr. Big. To think, she could do that to him.
Of course, the glamourous wedding was a little over the top.
"What were we thinking...? We were fine how we were!" Carrie reflects to Mr. Big.
Okay, this is interesting, I think to myself. Maybe they are just going to be common law - forget the wedding and just LIVE happily ever after.
Not the case.
Ever placing SO MUCH validity on that piece of paper - they go off to city hall to make it official. Non traditional, right?
Well - she still wore white and had on her "something blue" - designer Manolo's.
Miranda.
A hard working mother, wife and lawyer - over-whelmed with being a mommy and her work load - but clearly trying and strugging to do her best. But...not enough sex for her husband so he goes out and bangs some random woman. Of course, the poor husband just feels SO guilty about this - (awwww...poor guy!) and he confesses. She does the right thing and leaves...but of course, they go to counselling and she is convinced that perhaps she DROVE HIM TO CHEAT and that maybe she should just forget he screwed around on her and try to be less of a bitchy, over-worked mom - and just shut up and be sexually available to meet her husband's needs.
To my horror - she embraces this - forgives him, and they live happily ever after.
Great fucking message that sends.
Your husband is cheating? It's probably because you were a bitch and not fucking him enough. Quit being a bitch and open up those legs and you guys should be all set! "Forgive him now - he feels sorry, really he does (this is code for him saying: I don't want to be a bachelor and have to pay child support for the rest of my life -I want to have my cake and eat it too, like the way things were before) and live happily ever after."
Dear God.
Charlotte - happily married with an adopted baby, and pregnant for the first time (It's a miracle! She thought she couldn't have kids) and her man is a TRUE keeper. She has it all: The picture perfect family life. A stay at home mom, homemaker - always the traditional one, the least slutty one throughout the entire show - the most CONSERVATIVE woman in the group - who believes that a good wife pleases her man. She never came off as the most intelligent one - but - a good wife doesn't have to be smart, she just has to be able to maintain a nice figure, attractive home and steady dose of "sex" for her man - follow those rules, ladies - and YOU could have the Fairy Tale Marriage, just like Charlotte! After all - she only ever dreamed of meeting a man and having babies, right?
Isn't that the reason women were put on the planet?
Samantha.
She was always my favourite character because she never gave a shit. A fierce appetite for sex - hot, confident, pushing the big 5-O - and still EVERY BIT a force to be reckoned with in the arena of men (and women).
She rejects the life as a common law wife and decides all she needs is herself.
Nice. I applaud this.
But...what is it really saying?
The one girl who is all about slutting it up - OF COURSE she'll never get married...she CLEARLY has no values!
She is doomed to be childless and will NEVER attain the level of love her other, married friends will...because...well...if you're not married - you just can't be in a healthy relationship, right?
Now, I'm a guy. A gay guy - but a guy.
While gay men have a lot in common with straight women - I don't believe men are truly capable of ever understanding the way women think.
So - I asked a woman what SHE thinks of the "messages" in Sex & The City - and my good friend - a pop culture junkie like myself - pointed out that a sequel is in the works...
"Frankly, the only realistic turn of events would be Big cheating on her with a younger woman," She said - over an email conversation while both of us were at work. "I mean, really, if they are keeping in character with him, that's 100% what he'd do. I have never understood the fans of the show that, like, LOVE Big, and think he and Carrie are so meant to be - I think the show would have been better making him represent the asshole who you like almost because he treats you like shit, and is therefore unattainable. I think it would be really good if in the sequel they had Big trade Carrie in for a younger model, or have him sneaking around on her, like Carrie and Big did to Natasha. But, I'm sure we'll have them happily ever after, trendily adopting a baby from Malawi like a new handbag for Carrie or something. Ugh."
LOL!
Well said! Well said indeed.
By all means - go check out the movie...I know it's just fantasy - and there really ARE some great scenes in the movie. I enjoyed it.
But - the last 15 minutes...when Big proposed to Carrie - if she just said: "You know what? How about...NO!" and walked out, designer shoes in hand - THAT would have been a REAL "Sex & the City" ending.
Instead - we got watered down Hollywood crap with a stupid "BUT THEY WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" ending - and old fashioned "Good Housewife Guide" family values - poorly disguised in haute couture and hot pink prada bags.

*sigh*

Stop me, before I get Carried away,

Dan

WINDSOR STAR & WAAG: The Fallout.

There have been a few issues with the story that ran in the Windsor Star earlier this week - the story is posted in my previous blog entry.
Basically it was Windsor Animal Action Group's (WAAG) response to the recent vandalism at the Festival of Hawks, in which an eagle was let out of its cage and thousands of dollars of netting/equipment was destroyed.
The Star asked for our thoughts/reactions - and me - being the current spokesperson for the group, gave my reply.

What irks me though - and it annoyed other WAAG members as well - is the fact that the article was written with a slant.
"Animal Group Denies involvment".
When we were ever "accused"?
I was approached by the Star with the question: "What are your reactions to the vandalism?"
Had the reporters asked: "What are your reactions to the accusations that your group played a part?" - I would have had a much different response.
This article - while yes - it does fair and square quote me as saying flat out: "We are not that kind of group" - it paints an inaccurate picture of what animal activists are about.
We are not about going to zoos and opening cages of monkeys, or going to circuses and letting the elephants run rampant through a city to prove a point.
Nor are we about causing damage to property.
We are not "militant".
The fact that our name even came up - after an incident of vandalism occured...is ridiculous.
"An animal rights group might have been responsible."
Yes, because we are all hooligans who do shit like this, right?
Animal Rights Groups are organized, gentle people. They don't do ILLEGAL things, as a group.
Every group has a flake.
Christians. Police Officers. Priests. Need I go on?
The fact that we are pegged as "denying" anything...um...I didn't know we were "accused" or suspected...
In fact, why WOULD we be?
Because we are vegetarians? Vegans? Because we hold signs?
If a liquor store was vandalized, would "Mothers Against Drunk Driving" be the FIRST group they targeted as suspects?
"Those crazy bitches HATE drinking! They're bitter and jaded and wish all the liquor stores would close! They must have done this! QUESTION THEM! They are on the suspect list...!"
Of course not!
This was a case of vandalism...but the writer took this story and ran with it - and I don't think it paints a flattering - or ACCURATE picture of what it means to be an animal activist.
This is an example of a reporter SENSATIONALIZING something and taking advantage of the "crazy animal rights people" card.
Which is fun to play, for sure - but very inaccurate.
Lazy journalism.
It was pure speculation that an animal activist group did this - and I am sick of being labelled "militant" or "crazy" or "flakey" because I prefer veggie burgers over dead cow patties.
Yup, threat to society indeed.
Had the Windsor Star reporter gone on WAAG's website - and done a little more research - he would have noticed that Erie Wildlife Rescue (the group involved with the Festival of Hawks) is LISTED in our links of RESOURCES.
Many of our members - are members of Erie Wildlife Rescue.
WE endorse them!
We consider them a group who is fighting the same fight as us: Protection and rights of animals.
Don't get me wrong - on the other hand - any publicity is good publicity - and we were quoted fairly. I just think reading between the lines, there is a picture of animal rights people being painted - and I think it's a great way to give people the wrong idea - that we were basically short-listed as a group who probably-maybe-could-be responsible.

Anyway, below is a response letter in the Windsor Star by one of our group members, Teresa - host of Animal Airwaves which airs on CJAM 91.5fm Mondays from 4-5pm.
She's a great writer, very articulate - and she knows her stuff. I'm glad her letter made it to the Star today.

Enjoy,
Dan


Animal group's goal is to educate the public
Windsor Star
Published: Thursday, September 25, 2008

Re: Animal Rights Group Denies Vandalism at Hawk Festival, Sept. 23.

I was disappointed to read the article stating that the Windsor Animal Action Group had to denounce having anything to do with the fate of the eagle that was going to be released by Erie Wildlife Rescue.

When I read the account of the nets being torn and the bird gone, I thought young vandals were responsible, the same type of people who destroy and damage tombstones in cemeteries; cowards who have no respect for the feelings of others, be it respect for the dead and their relatives or a bird that hopefully is flying free.

WAAG's actions have always been to educate the public about animal issues in a law-abiding way.

We always have a presence at Windsor Arena, handing out pamphlets and speaking to people curious as to why we are there.

One of our primary aims is to educate the public about the horrible living conditions for elephants and other animals trucked from town to town 50 weeks a year and the abuse they suffer in "training" them to do ridiculous stunts for the entertainment of some who think animal abuse is fun.

Hopefully the thugs who took this eagle at least set it free and the bird is doing well wherever it is.

Theresa McKinley

Windsor Animal Action Group

Article in Windsor Star - (WAAG DIDN'T DO IT!)

Made the papers again :)
Fun times, fun times.

Animal rights group condemns vandalism
WAAG says it had nothing to do with unlawful weekend events at Holiday Beach
Chris Thompson, The Windsor Star
Published: Monday, September 22, 2008

A local animal rights group says it had nothing to do with a rash of vandalism at the Festival of Hawks at Holiday Beach conservation area in Amherstburg over the weekend.

"The Windsor Animal Action Group (WAAG) in no way endorses illegal acts that result in the damaging of property," WAAG spokesman Dan MacDonald said Monday of the wilful damaging of 25 expensive specialized nets.

"We feel really bad about it."

The birding community uses the two-day event to assist environmental and natural scientists at the Holiday Beach Migration Observatory in banding birds and collecting data for federal and provincial agencies studying bird migratory patterns.

On Friday at Erie Wildlife Rescue a cage containing a rescued bald eagle that had been nursed back to health and was to be released during the Festival of Hawks was opened and the bird was gone.

Organizers suspected the two incidents are connected and may be the work of animal rights activists but MacDonald said that's not the case.

"We don't believe that a healthy bird belongs in a cage, but having said that, that's not something we would do," said MacDonald.

"We don't agree with anything that causes damage. WAAG is just about raising awareness. We're not that kind of group."

The group routinely demonstrates at Windsor Arena when circuses with animals perform there.

MacDonald said he had heard no talk among the animal rights community about any effort to disrupt the Festival of Hawks.

He said he also reads all of the information provided by the more militant People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), which has no permanent local presence, and saw no references made to anything at the Festival of Hawks.

Amherstburg police are investigating the damage to the nets, which are valued at about $180 each.

Staff Sgt. Pat Palumbo said there are no witnesses and no suspects, which makes the investigation difficult.

"We don't have anything," said Palumbo.

"It was obviously a purposeful act."

Palumbo said an animal rights group might be an obvious suspect but it could be a simple case of random vandalism.

"We're interested in any and all information," said Palumbo.

Anyone with any information in the case is asked to call Const. Viktor Burany at 519-736-8559.

Autumn's Here.

It's happened.
The autumnal equinox.
The Sun crossed the celestial equator, from north to south and the beginning of autumn in the Northern Hemisphere is on a roll, blowing like dry leaves waiting to sweep us all away in the big looming cloud of October.
I've always been obsessed, in a way - with the idea of an equinox or solstice.
The recognized changing of a season - down to the VERY second:
09:22:08:11:44:18.
September 22nd 2008 the eleventh hour, the forty-fourth minute, the 18th second.
Autumn.
The Alban Elfed, Autumn Equinox, Autumnal Equinox, Cornucopia, Feast of Avilon, Festival of Dionysus, Harvest Home, Harvest Tide, Mabon, Night of the Hunter, Second Harvest Festival, Wine Harvest, Witch's Thanksgiving, and the first day of autumn.
If you believe in ghosts - it's easy to imagine today is the day they are released.
Some people value the worldwide variety of fall equinox celebrations, because demonstrates the diversity of religious belief within our common humanity. They respect both their own religious traditions and those of other faiths for their ability to inspire people to lead more ethical and fulfilled lives.
Others reject the importance of all celebrations other than the holy days recognized by their own religion. Some go so far as rejecting some of their religion's holy days when they are discovered to have Pagan origins - but seriously - does ANY fucking day NOT have pagan origins??
It's no coincidence the Christian Sabbath is called "SUN" Day, is it?
Some consider religions other than their own as being inspired by Satan. Thus the solstice and equinox celebrations of other religions are viewed as Satanic in origin, and intrinsically evil.
I just like it because it's universal.
It's science. Religion. Paganism. Astrology. Spirits and FACT - all rolled up into the changing of the seasons, like a demented fairytale - a little bit of everything.
I always figure we learn the MOST from nature, if we just watched the way the sky, plants and stuff lived - we'd "get it".
The exact date and time of the fall equinox, when the sun moves into the astrological sign of Libra, varies from year to year. Each year, the date/time moves progressively later in September until the year before leap-year is reached. On leap-year, it returns to an earlier date/time. This four-year cycle is then repeated.
It's like earth's menstrual cycle or something.
Bizarre. But at the same time - it's the most logical thing.
Autumn. Hmm.
Weird time of year, everything dies off - but it always smells oddly like a brand new beginning, even though it's just one step closer to the end of another year.

*sigh*
Dan

Liz Phair vs. The Matrix - toooo hilarious!

FUCKIN' RIGHT!!
Now THIS is the Liz Phair I fell in love with!!
She is LAUGHING at herself - making FUN of herself...
I have high hopes for the new album...
Fingers crossed!!!!
How GREAT that she did this though! Too frickin' funny!

Franco's: A Review.

Hi.
Okay. Before I begin and before the sound of a trillion and one panties knotting into a bunch fills the room - let me start by saying - this is an honest review, based on my own personal experience at a Windsor restaurant.
My opinion only.
Could be wrong. Could be full of shit.
But...I am not alone in my opinion here - Life Partner feels the same way.
So there.
This afternoon, after work - the two of us were starving for something yummy.
Chinese. Asian. Thai. Indian. They all crossed our minds.
We decided to go for an old staple - even though the two of us had not set foot in the place for YEARS and YEARS.
Franco's.
Locally owned, and it's been around forever. Why in the world wouldn't we give it a whirl?
They're pizza was always great back in the day - and as a child, I can remember several trips there for various birthday parties and get togethers.
Sure, it wasn't Erie street...but it was a sucessful business with some longevity to back it.
Time to see what they had to offer - and hell - how can you do pasta wrong anyway, right?
Um...right?
*Insert distant thunder sound here*
We walk in and are seated almost immediately.
Our waitress was pleasant enough. We ordered our coffee and diet cokes and out they came.
The menu was...well...limited, but quality vs. quantity - quality wins out in my opinion.
I had faith.
"These Italians," I began, but pronounced it EYE-talians, "They can cook a good noodle."
"Mmmm hmmm," Life Partner replied. He was studying the menu, a small frown forming over his brow.
I swallowed and faced the menu again.
Being vegetarian - any menu is limited for me and I'm cool with that.
I settled on something simple: Penne with spicey tomato sauce.
Yum.
Life Partner opted for the Fettucini Alfredo.
Not very adventurous of us, I know - but for Christ's sake - we're just that breed of human.
So we order, and we opt for the "trip to the salad bar" in place of soup.
"Can I get the salad bar?" Life Partner asked the server.
Funny - we always "ask" when ordering...we never actually "order". I mean - of COURSE we can get the salad bar.
What did we expect her to say? "NO, you may not!"
But...she paused. Hesitated.
"Um...it's a dollar ninety-nine extra..."
She eyed Life Partner.
"That's fine...is it very big...?" He asked.
"Um...there's like....stuff...did you just wanna go look at it?"
He paused and glanced at me. I in turn, smiled ear to ear.
"No thank you."
I ordered my din din and grabbed the salad bar as well.
The salad bar.
Yes. A disgrace.
You know the veggies you find in your crisper, in the far bowels of your crisper, when you decide to clean out the fridge...maybe an old carrot stick...or a small blossom of cauliflower?
It's not that it's gross...it's just...a little dead and freeze dried...?
You know what I mean. Even the cleanest of refridgerators has a stray grape or a piece of onion gone astray.
That's kinda what the veggies in the salad bar reminded me of.
Rubber carrots. Depressed cauliflower. Cucumber that wasn't all that cool any more.
"Gross," Life Partner said.
"Hmmm..." I replied. I had faith.
You see, Franco's was iconic to me as a Windsor boy!
Life Partner, being from the county, wouldn't know anything about local city cuisine.
He'll see, I thought to myself. Then he'll be sorry.
*insert thunder sound here*
Our basket of freshly baked bread came out and it appeared as if they microwaved a loaf of Italia bread from A&P.
Not even Zehrs or Sobey's.
A&P.
"It's rubbery," Life Parter said.
"Um...maybe it's to compliment the carrots...?"
I was trying.
Surely the pasta would blow our minds.
What's bread and salad anyway, right?
I imagined some robust Italian mama-mia in the back, bandana on head, apron covered in freshly diced veggies, whipping up a delicious concoction for us.
"I keep-ah ma boys a-fat!" She would say, handing the waitress our steaming plates of melt-in-your-mouth authentic, gourmet pasta.
Herbs. Seasonings. Fresh. Delicious.
What came out looked like something scraped off the buffet at the fuckng Fogolar - left overs from a doomed wedding banquet that never should have happened.
My sauce tasted like Prego, mixed with equal parts water.
Life Partner's...oh dear.
His Alfredo sauce was not Alfredo sauce.
It was probably a stick of butter, melted (in a microwave) and perhaps the "chef" took the time to toss in a few coffee creamers.
Disgusting.
Keep in mind - we are the same guys, who, on occaision - eat "nacho chip sandwiches".
Life Partner feasts on King Dongs and I'll eat processed plastic, so long as there is no animal product in it.
Picky people, we are not.
But this - no lie - NOT EDIBLE.
And it was PASTA!
Noodles and sauce.
How does one fuck up noodles and SAUCE???
"How is yours?" I asked Life Partner.
"Poo Poo," he replied.
Sound funny? He was dead serious. It was a very accurate description.
Mine - if we are using fecal analogies - looked like a case of irritable bowel syndrome. Bloody. Disgusting. Vile.
We swallowed back a few bites, and finally, Life Partner put his fork down.
"I can't eat this shit, for REAL!"
"Can I just give yours a try?" I asked...
He pushed his plate over and I twirled some noodles on my fork.
"Take a lot," he said.
I bit down and tasted nothing but grease.
Butter. Lard. Oil. Nasty.
I nearly spit it out.
"It tastes like a port-o-potty," He said.
My stomach turned.
"What did you just say?"
"I said it tastes like a pound of butter...what did you think I said?"
I swallowed the remains in my mouth.
"Forget it. Try mine."
He eyed it and poked at a penne noodle with his fork.
"No thank you," he said politely, giving me a very small and polite smile.
We sipped our drinks in silence.
The waitress came by and eyed our VERY full plates.
"You guys all set?"
"Yeah..."
"Can I wrap these up?"
"No."
Shouldn't that be a hint?
Instead she said "Okay! I'll be back with your bill!" and pulled the plates away and walked to the back.
Now, we aren't the most assertive people in the world, but - whatever.
We smiled pretty and made mental notes to never come again.
"Honestly, I can't remember the last time I had such a disgusting meal in a restaurant!" Life Partner moaned. "My stomach is swimming in butter!"
My lower intestine,in turn, was bitching at me - rumbling and threatening me with awful gurgling sounds.
The cheque came and I went to the bar to pay.
"How was everything today?" asked the bartender, chipper and smiling.
"Eehh...not so good." I had to say it.
"No?"
"No...the service was fine...but the food...not so great."
"Sorry to hear that," He said - handing me the debit machine.
NO offer of anything.
No "dessert is on us next time," or "what was the problem"..
I was a server for 5 years. When I asked someone "How was everything" and they replied with a "not so great" - I fixed the problem.
He did nothing. Nothing. So why bother asking us?
It was insuling.
So, I paid. And we left.
And we will NEVER go back because it was so brutally disgusting.
We've had bad food before. It's not like we are culinary experts on fine dining.
But - we are stoners. And we are gluttonous pigs.
And we can apprecite a good meal - or at least a good effort.
Even BAD restaurant food...is good.
This - was just bad. Period.
We couldn't FINISH it, barely TOUCHED IT - and refused to take it home!
It was "that kind of bad". I honestly don't remember the last time that has happened to me, when I flat out said "I can't eat this."
I feel mean saying that - but it's how it was. Horrifically bad. Almost laughable.
Had I opened up a can of store bought sauce and dumped it on a plate of penne, it would have tasted better.
In fact, both of us were amazed at just how shitty an experience it was.
"I just can't believe how shitty it was!" Life Partner explained. "That was the worst dinner I've EVER had at a restaurant."
Strong words, aren't they?
Well...true.
All too true.
We wanted to like it... really we did.
But - the proof is in the pudding - er ...at least in the pasta.
And the pasta...was - in the wise words of Life Partner: "Poo Poo."

And that about sums up our experience at Franco's.

*insert sore stomach rumble here*

Dan

The First Syllable is "Fun", after all. Right?....RIGHT!??!!?!?

So I was writing a commercial for a local funeral home the other day and like most businesses who have a commercial in the works - they wanted it to be "stand out", "different", "unique" and the staple: "Unlike any of the competitors".
When I think of funeral commercials, I usually think of sad, sentimental music...and a warm masculine voice that sounds like a pair of comforting arms wrapping around you - saying words like "It's your time to grieve...Let us take care of the details..."
So I knew what not to do.
I decided to go full fledged tits-to-the-wind in the OTHER direction and just lay it on the line. Frankly, what kind of spot would catch MY attention?
I'm a 31 year old guy in great health (minus a love handle here and there) with no immediate plans of dying.
"I'm fuckin' invincible man! I'm gonna fuckin' live forever, man! Why the fuck should I pre-plan! Fuck pre-plannng! I'm gonna go out in a blaze of glory when I'm 102 - doing lines of coke off my pool boy's ass and shooting a shot gun high in the air!"
YEEE HAWW!
Okay, not the case - but - I really have no plans to pre-plan, nor can I think of any sappy tone or sentimental words that I would hear in an ad that could prompt me to do so.
So - I decided to take this approach.
"We all gotta do it... how do YOU wanna go? Chrome casket? One thousand silver balloons released? Rock and roll blaring at maximum volume? Or do you want someone ELSE to pre-plan your funeral? Sit in a stuffed suit while a harp player plucks out muzack and old aunt Edna comments on how great the crumpets are...?
XXXXX Funeral Home wants to make SURE your funeral is on YOUR terms. What songs do you want played? What do you want to wear? What would you like said and what do you want to say? After all - it will be the last thing you ever get to say ...to anyone. You only die once. Do it with a little OOOMPH. XXXXXX Funeral Home."
Sure. Over the top.
Horrifically bad taste.
Not one of my better ones.
But, different. Stand-outish, and I'll be damned if it didn't get ME thinking about what I want at MY funeral.
I'll ALSO be damned (I probably shouldn't say that, given the subject matter) if it's going to be piped in elevator music - or worse yet - some crappy hymn sung by a woman who looks like Siouxsie Siouxe (except NOT on purpose)at my final party.
I know it's extremely self-indulgent to imagine your own funeral, who might show, who might cry - who might say fabulous, tear-jerking things about you - but fuck it.
I live in la la land on a daily basis - and I'm entitled to indulge myself in my own imagination, no?
I don't have a will, nor do I have any pre-planned arrangement with a funeral home, but let this serve as my "say" - at least with regard to a few small details when the day comes that I finally take aim and kick that bucket clear outta the fucking field.
1) I want to be cremated.
2) I do NOT want to be wearing a suit. I hate suits. They are fucking hideous and the idea of spending eternity (or at least the few final moments before I am burned to smitherines) in one repulses me.
3) I do not want to be laid out. A nice fancy photo collage (or slideshow set to music) will do nicely.
4) Music. Yes. Music. I'll allow the cliche Danny Boy to be played. I'm Scottish, my dad loves bag pipes and hell...it's my fucking name.
Other that that - see below:
David Bowie - Starman (i've wanted this song at my funeral since I was a KID - weird eh?)
The Kinks - Sitting in my Hotel (I just think it's a nice story...a little freaky, but not as cheesey as some of the shit they play at funerals)
T Rex - Cosmic Dancer
Juliana Hatfield - Somebody's Waiting for Me (great goodbye song)
Sparklehorse - It's a Wonderful Life (creepy...but beautiful)
Amy Millan - Pour Me Up Another (and everyone better DAMN WELL do a shot for me!)
Fuel - Daniel (I know, cheesy as fuck...but hell - i'm indulging here and it's a NICE version. Surely, not a dry eye in the house)
Chumba Wamba - Tub Thumping (don't ask why...it always had "funeral vibe" to me)
Bangles - Dover Beach
Doctor & the Medics - Spirit in the Sky (yes, the remake, but whatever!)
Wilco w/ Billy Bragg - California Stars
Flaming Lips - It's Summertime
Judy Collins - Amazing Grace (LOL!...um. yeah. seriously.)
Band of Horses - Monsters
Neil Young - Transformer Man (acoustic)
Mazzy Star - Look on Down from the Bridge
My Morning Jacket - Bermuda Highway
Earlimart - The Movies
Edie Brickell - A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall
Eye in the Sky - Alan Parson's Project (or Jonatha Brooke)
Liz Phair - Strange Loop?

Yes, self-indulgent. But hell...why not?
What songs would YOU pick at your funeral, if you could have a say?
I wanna know!

happy happy happy!

Dan

Facebook Free Dan.

Well...I did it.

I am Facebook free, for today anyway.
Fear not, I'll be back...but for now - fuck it.
Frankly, I'm pissy because I am a stubborn asshole and I hate change.
Hate it.
But I do.
They (Facebook big wigs with coifed hair and 3 piece suits) thought they should "better market the package to hit the target and move some units" - so they fucked with the format.
Except, they didn't change all that much.
All the same element are there...same colour scheme, same font - they just put everything in a blender and barfed it back up.
Facebook was cool. I used it everyday.
But sorry - don't make me "re-learn" something.
Facebook was never a challenge.
I never had to sit there, index fingr between my lips and say "Hmmm...now WHERE are my groups again...? Do I click...here? Ooops! Nope, that's not it... hmmm..."
So yeah.
Sure it was a constant thing...but make it difficult for me - and I'm gone.
What pisses me off more - it is now UNNECESSARILY difficult.
So I dropped them an email and said - "Hey...nice way to fuck up a good thing - I'm leavng and I'm encouraging others to do the same."
So yeah. Back to the basics for me for a while. I don't know how long I'll last without it...maybe I'll go back to the olden days of just "looking at flyers around town" or "picking up magazines and READING" or maybe "going out and TALKING to people" to find out what is going on in the city.
I forgot about those days for a minute.
Maybe I'll rejoin Facebookin 5 minutes.
Who knows. I'm a moody bastard known for flying off the handle and getting my hot pink panties in a bunch for stupid reasons.
The King (or at least Prince) of Over Reacting.
But for the moment, this second, right now:
"Fuck Facebook."

That's where I stand. How 'bout you?

Facefucked,

Dan.

The Who, What, Where and Witch...I mean...um...forget it. Ladies and Gentlemen: Sarah Palin.

Okay.
If there is one thing I hate - it's a witch hunt.
Hillary Clinton - while perhaps not the BEST nominee for President of the U.S. of A., struck me as someone who hung in here through what I think was a literal shelling of misogyny, ridicule and a media who was out to destroy her.
Not fair.
It wasn't.
Sure - I like Obama - and I really really hope he becomes the next Prez.
But, I'll be honest - I wanted Clinton for President.
Am I disappointed she's out? Hell yeah, I am.
I think she had what it took to help pull the country up by its bra AND jock strap and get it back on track.
But let's not go there.
If there's one thing I hate - it's a witch hunt and the amount of sexism that not only occured - but was tolerated - ENCOURAGED even, while Hillary was in the running...it disgusted me.
"Wicked Witch of the West", "Bitch", "No first Lady is qualified to be president."
Okay, enough.
So before I start bashing on Sarah Palin, I want to make it clear - this is not based on sexism.
What my little bitchy rant is based on - is the fact that McCain's choice for V.P. opposes just about every issue that women support by a majority or plurality. For example - creationism should be taught in public schools, yet she disbelieves global warming.
I mean, clearly - one is scientific fact and the other is fairy-tale la-la land, right? I guess people differ on which is which.
Regardless - that should be enough of an indicator that you are dealing with - pardon my francais - a fucking dolt.
But it gets better.
Oh it gets much better.
She opposes gun control but supports government control of a woman's right to choose.
She's against stem cell research but approves "abstinence-only" programs - and let's face it - telling horny teenagers to keep in in their pants is about as effective as trying to clear room by farting in a crowd of 10,000,000 people.
Come to think of it - abstinence only (which usually - for religious reasons, opposes birth control methods) will only increase unwanted births, sexually transmitted diseases and abortions.
No?
She tried to use taxpayers' millions for a state program to shoot wolves from the air but didn't spend enough money to fix a state school system with the lowest high-school graduation rate in the nation.
Um...does she have a priority issue, or is she just REALLY frightened of wolves?
She supports drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve, which will be nothing short of catastrophic...but still...
this isn't what bothers me.
When asked last month about the vice presidency, she said, "I still can't answer that question until someone answers for me: What is it exactly that the VP does every day?"
(insert record scratch sound here)
Are you FUCKING kidding me?
"What is it, exactly the VP does every day?"
That's lovely.
So you're up for a job. One of the most powerful - arguably the SECOND most powerful job in the WORLD...and you're not "exactly" sure what the job entails?
That may be the case - but - if you were on a job interview - it would probably be a good idea to keep that kind of thing on the d-low.
Keep it hush-hush, dear GOD!
I mean, props for being honest - but let's face it - there is a fine line between honesty and stupidity and I think she just over-shot it by about 10 miles, in the "stupid" direction.
Of course - we (as good Christians) must give her props for standing by her stupidity.
She is a lifetime member of the NRA (gee, surprise surprise!) which means she doesn't just support killing animals on paper, she does it herself.
With her own hands and her guns.
She doesn't just talk about increasing the use of fossil fuels, but she puts a coal-burning power plant in her own small town.
"Go green! rah! rah! rah!"
She doesn't just echo McCain's pledge to criminalize abortion by overturning Roe vs. Wade, she says that if one of her daughters were impregnated by rape or incest, she should bear the child.
Can you imagine the scenario - a young girl, carrying her rapist's child?
"Awww...your first baby I see...how sweet! What's the father do?"
"Rapes women."
Kind of a buzz kill on the whole "I'm gonna be a mommy soon" vibe, isn't it?
She not only opposes reproductive freedom as a human right but implies that it dictates abortion, without saying that it also protects the right to have a child.
And gays?
Oh yes....gays.
Let's "go there", shall we?
First off - and may I take a little liberty here, ladies?
Every self-respecting woman worth her prada bag needs a faggot for a friend.
I dare you to challenge that statement.
No objections? Fine.
Since we are in agreement, let's continue.
Prior to being elected governor, Palin supported the 1998 constitutional amendment barring marriage for same-sex couples and has said she would support a ballot measure overturning a state supreme court decision mandating benefits for domestic partners of state employees. She is close to “traditional values” groups, like Family Research Council, because she is strongly anti-choice Marriage and Relationship Recognition.
Palin told the Anchorage Daily News that she supported the 1998 constitutional amendment on marriage. In addition, she told the Daily News that she would support a ballot question that would deny benefits to the domestic partners of public employees, which were ordered by an October 2005 decision of the Alaska Supreme Court, because, she said “honoring the family structure is that important."
Let's objectify for a moment.
Sure, she MIGHT have nice hair which recalls the beauty and grace of Audrey Hepburn.
Perhaps she DOES have a "hot sexy librarian" look and behind those horned rims, you can almost see a party girl who is just SCREAMING to whip off the glasses, slap on some fire engine red, let the hair down and hop on a mechanical bull.
But, that's probably not going to happen.
See...McCain didn't JUST pick her because she is a woman. He picked her perhaps because he saw how many INTELLIGENT PEOPLE and WOMEN were voting for Clinton - and maybe assumed that perhaps us liberal idiots won't be able to tell one vagina from another.
But make no mistake, that's not it either.
His main motive was to please right-wingers and ther ridiculously backwards and SEXIST ideologues - which she believes in, which she employs and which she will use as a WEAPON against intelligence and human evolution - which will further cripple our ability to grow as a people who are able to STAND next to each other and just fuckin' get along without guns or bombs or hating.
Is that too hard to believe in?
Is that not Christ-like enough?
Why is it people like her - who are constantly using the bible as a reference point -are SO against - so HELLBENT, so to speak, on this EVER happening.
She calls herself a "Feminist for Life" - but when I think of Palin..."feminist" is not the "F" word that immediately springs to mind.
It's "fuck".
As in "Oh FUCK, here we go again."
On a final note - see the picture below.
What kind of a person can pose with a dying animal, a beautiful, kind and gentle animal - which they just shot?
Seriously?
The animal is suffering and she see's it as a photo op.
Forget everything you just read in my blog. It's just a blog.
It's just my stupid lefty faggoty rant as usual.
But I think this picture speaks for itself.
I think it says a thousand different things.
If this wicked witch and that wicked asshole become President and VP of the U.S...I seriously am afraid of what they've got bubbling in their cauldrons for the next few years...

Nice picture eh?
Someone who thinks killing is "sport" or is "fun" or is even any kind of a triumph, it is my SINCERE belief - they are an idiot.
There is something wrong with them.
Guns Vs. Nature - that's a no-brainer to me.
Whoever thinks this is "fun"...I think you're fucked.
And I will stand by that forever.
If this is your livelihood and how you make a living, fine. I'll throw you that bone.
But a priveleged, "intelligent" woman - hunting..for fun? There is no excuse for this.
This is animal cruelty - and I'm pretty sure it was Gahndi who once said: "The greatness of a nation can be judged by how its animals are treated."
Like I said, this picture speaks a thousand words to me.
Ladies and gentlemen, our next VP.
BBQ, anyone?
Or should it be..."Witch hunt?"