Guilty Music Pleasures

Okay, I am under the belief that no musical pleasure should be guilty, but - for all us Silver Jews-loving, Pavement-remembering, Mary Lou Lord-crushing music snobs...this just isn't a reality.
There are songs out there we don't want to admit we love because the "masses" have already attested their undying devotion to them. Heaven forbid we like them too, right?
Heaven forbid we fit in, even for a fricking MOMENT, right?
But we have them, tucked away in the darkest corner of our downloaded files folder, or discretely tracklisted in our iPod playlists.
Of course, I don't have an iPod.
I have a generic mp3 player. Why would I have an iPod?

Pfft.

In reality - I am not a music snob. I love all music. In fact, I probably like a lot of shitty music - stuff people with GOOD taste would consider crap.
Yeah. I have a weakness for Vitamin C.
But whatever.

Music snob...I use the term tongue in cheek. Opinionated-bitch - well...jury is still out on that one.

Regardless - I do have a Musical Guilty Pleasures list.

And it's rough.

Here we go:

1. Alanis Morrissette - Everything.
Yeah. It's Alanis. But worse yet: it's "Nu Alanis". The generic, watered down shite. But something about the way she can stretch a line like "I can be an asshole of the grandest kind" into 10,000 syllables...it's awe-inspiring. I often sing along, staring into a mirror.

2. Britney Spears - Radar.
From the album Blackout. Okay - unlike many other gay folk, I never "got" Britney.
I don't understand why so many gay boys cream their designer jeans for her.
I thought gay people were supposed to have good taste.
I'm not a fan of Celine Dion, but - I "get" why people like her.
Cher too - I don't fancy myself a huge fan of Cher...but - she's pretty fucking fabulous, in her own, unapologetically cheese-ball way.
Madonna: That goes without saying. It's fucking Madonna.
But Britney? Nope. Why is a stubby chick, who can't sing, dance or dress - with HORRIBLE taste in men and shitty songs - a big gay icon? Well - I'm stumped as well folks, unless I'm listening to "Radar". Sheer gorgeousness and in its own right: A small masterpiece, on par with the likes of Massive Attack - except light years shittier.

3. Cher - Believe.
Okay, I know I should be picking Cher songs like "Just Like Jesse James" or "Dark Lady" - but frankly, those songs are not guilty pleasures. Believe is. But I love it. "I don't NEED you anymore! Said I don't NEED you anymore!!" - Mighty. And the vocal/computer/distortion thingie - let's face it: She broke some TRUE ground with this one. Even Madonna had to step back and say: "Damn...that's some good shit right there!" Nearly every single pop diva - plus Kid Rock - have used this technique since.
So I'm just payin' props to the orginator.

4. Fergie - Clumsy.
I hate Fergie. As a rule. I do. I can't help it. She's the worst thing to EVER happen to the Black Eyed Peas, and her band before that - Wild Orchid - was possibly the shittiest all-girl vocal group of ALL time.
How do you fuck up three chicks harmonizing? She did it.
She looks like a stripper who should have turned in her skanky g-string back in 1989 - and her lips look like a cat fish with herpes. Sure she can bounce her titties in a pretty cool and innovative way in the "My Humps" video, but too little too late as far as I'm concerned. Until she released Clumsy.
"Can't help it, the girl can't help it..." - bang on production...sounds like a Casio keyboard one minute, and the Contours selling out the next. I can't help but love it.

5. Chumba Wumba - Tubthumping.
I know, I know - overplayed as all hell - but I can't help it. It's great. "He takes a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks the lager drink, he drinks the cider drink, he sings songs that remind him of the good times, he sings songs that remind him of the best times!" - and then of course, the merge seamlessly into "OH danny Boy..."
I like to pretend they wrote the song about me. Perhaps this can be played, shamelessly at my funeral. It's normal to think thoughts like that....right? ...RIGHT?!?!?!

6. Janet Jackson - Again.
From Poetic Justice - one of the most perfect pieces of cinematic crap - it's nearly a thing of beauty. I love to watch the "Wanna smell my poo-nanny" part over and over again. Brilliant. And this song. Awww.... "And I'm never falling in love with you agaaaiiinn..."
As a golden rule - anything post 1990 from Janet Jackson is more or less complete crud. But this song, try as I may to hate it - it just makes me melt everytime.

7. Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On.
Fuck off. It was a very crazy time in my life, okay? I was 19 or 20 years old when Titanic came out. In University. About to be VERY gay. I saw this movie and for the first and ONLY time in my life, realized why so many teeny boppers went crazy ga-gay-goo-goo for Leonardo DiCaprio. I also fell hard for Kate Winslet. And unfortunately - Celine Dion as well. At least in this song.
"Love can touch us one time..."
Fortunately for me, it was JUST THIS ONCE with Celine.

8. Shania Twain - You're Still the One.
I can't help it. I love it. I do! I think it has all the power, glory and might of a GREAT end-song for a fabulous 80's movie. "Looks like we made it..." - her voice is chillingly beautiful - the cheese is so strong it's cleared my sinuses for a year - but so help me god if I don't get goosebumps everytime I sing it at Karaoke. Um...not that I've EVER sang it at Karaoke...you know...I'm uh...just sayin, is all.

9. Lil' Mama - Lip Gloss.
Is this even a guilty pleasure? Or is she cool? I don't know, I've lost touch I'm afraid - but something about the way she hiccups through the lines: "My lip gloss is poppin', my lip gloss is cooool," - put her light years above and beyond ANYTHING M.I.A. could EVER come up with! Most innovative artist of the year, my ass! I say: Missy Elliot: WATCH OUT!

10. Kanye West - Golddigger.
I know. I know. I know. Everyone is supposed to love Kanye. Well, I don't.
If you ask me - he doesn't have SHIT on Busta Rhymes, yet everyone is hailing him as the next fucking Elvis Presley. His rhymes are shitty - his beats, yeah, whatever...kinda cool - but no cooler than Missy Elliot or Busta (Or Public Enemy for that matter - HELL - Salt-N-Pepa or Peaches have him beat!) and to top it off: He's an asshole with an ego the size of Flavour Flav's clock-chain.
I've yet to hear a song I like from him...well...save for - of course - Golddigger. And that's partially only because of the sampled: "She took ma mooo-neee - When I'm in nee-eeeed"..
Who am I kidding...it's a perfect song. But his ONLY perfect song as far as I'm concerned.
I hate Kanye. I do.
Yup. I mean, nope...certainly nothing likeable about him...nope...I mean...yup... - nope...nothing at all.

What are YOUR guilty pleasures?