Whiney & Cheesy.

So I've been keeping it a secret from blogland (and my HUGE massive audience of about 3 or 4 readers)..but May 22nd is gearing up to be a HUMONGOUS day for me.
I'm releasing my very first book - "Whine & Cheese".
It's a collection of pieces I've performed all over town for the last bit - and a bunch of new stuff too.
The common theme: Getting hammered inappropriately in public, especially at hoity toity parties.
A few are written in character...but mostly, it reads like an autobiography of my drinking career - from the time I was old enough to realize what drinking is - to present day 2008.
We decided to use "the real deal" for the cover of the book...a pic snapped at the infamous wedding, seconds before I vomitted on the floor. Fitting.
We couldn't have posed a better concept.
Life Partner designed the cover. I love it because I'm on the cover...but it's not really OBVIOUS that it's me. I thought it would be a little much to put myself on the cover...but, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. It was Life Partner's suggestion.
I just wanted it plain white with a wine stain.
Editing was a bitch and a half, and I just have to say: Thank GOD for Wayne.
I always thought I was high and mighty and didn't NEED anyone to edit my stuff. I had it all ready to go to send to the publishers and Wayne went over it with a fine tooth comb.
Two weeks later: The book is a completely NEW version of itself, better than I had ever hoped for - with brand new elements I never even knew existed, a better flow - and it's actually coherent and sans-spelling mistakes.
I'm humbled. For real. I learned something. A second pair of eyes and an ego cast off to the wind is NECESSARY.
I have to admit, the first few editing sessions Life Partner and I did...I sat, gritting my teeth, boiling mad.
"How DARE he suggest my perfect sentences don't flow! HOW DARE HE!!" I wanted to scream, throw my computer out the window and watch the entire thing - all my writing - go smashing to the concrete in an explosive ball of sparks and splinters.
THEN he'd be sorry.
Of course, counting to ten and realizing that he is actually ON my side and only wants the book to be the best it possibly can...well...realizing this worked wonders. Soon I was excited to hear what he thought had to be cut. What he thought didn't work...what he thought did.
And - there were still times we disagreed...for good reason...and at those times we usually convinced the other person to see things our way.
Rather than just fart out a book, I decided to throw myself a party at Phog Lounge to celebrate.
Complete with hoity toity hors d'ouevres at 7pm, a reading at 8 and Steffie Loveless from Detroit is performing at 9!! Short, sweet and beautiful!! Well, that's the plan..
I've seen so many shitty, annoying, pretentious book release parties. Where everyone is stuffy. And the hors d'ouevres are just the end-all of the party.
It's not a party if there aren't any shitty hors d'ouevres.
So while this is a mockery of one of those pretentious parties...it is indeed exactly that.
Now, I told one person outside of Wayne about the book - I told the dude at Phog Lounge.
That very night, when I dropped the ball that I was interested in having the release party there, I ended up getting hammered and hitting the old fish market.
I bumped into this guy I've seen around town for years...he always said he'd be first in line if I ever put a book out.
So he tells me he started this magazine and he wanted to feature me in it.
"Feature me?" I think...
Apparently, he talked to the dude at Phog. Word travels fast!!
So I agreed to an interview and low and behold: I'm on the GOSH DARN COVER THIS MONTH:
Then...I get a phone call from someone at our local TV station who wants to do a 10 minute interview with me a few days before the event.
THEN...I get an email from someone telling me they are including me in their radio calendaro of art listings...
Then...I get an email from these people I don't even know - telling me they want me to read at their human rights event.
Wild.
Madonna once said: "When you want something bad enough, the entire world will conspire with you to get it."
That's what it feels like. I just wanted to release a book and do poetry readings around town. That's it.
It's just what I absolutely LOVE doing more than anything...and it just feels like people are rolling out the carpet for me to make sure I get everything I need and want.
It's insane. And insanely cool.
I feel like an ego-maniac boasting about it on this blog, but - I guess that's what blogs are, right? Kind of self-indulgent blatherings.
No sugar coating here!
I got Nude Foods to do the little eaty-thingies..all raw vegan. Appropriate.
Snotty shit is always vegan.
But raw gives it the edge.
I will smell like patchouli that night.
and get this - Steffie Loveless is a transgendered woman! TOO cool!
Oh yeah...I got the entire check list checked for this one.
My parents are coming, which freaks me out kind of.
They've never seen me read before. Some of the stuff in the book is kind of explicit, and well...putting it all out there for mom and dad to see, it makes me nervous.
It's not sexually explicit - although it does hint around at a sex life that wasn't exactly dormant and booze binges that could send any parent into a cold sweat.
So, I'm nervous about that.
But mostly, this is like, a huge SIGH for me.
It all happened super super fast, in a sense, and in another sense - this was kind of in the cards for a long time. I think I'm just amazed at how fast it's all happening and how perfect it is all gearing up to be.
Queue foreshadowing thunder in the distance.
Right now - I am working on a "mingle cd"...music to play from 7 - 8pm while people get there and "schmooze".
I'm thinking Eartha Kitt meets Kim Deal meets Ween meets Melvina Reynolds meets Tracey Ullman meets Ronnie Spector meets...Devendra Banhart meets Mary Lou Lord.
My question to you - folks - comes in two parts...
A) Are you gonna come?
and
B) Any suggestions for good "mingle music" songs...?

Oh...by the way - this blog kind of plays an important role.
Since I've blogged here since 2004...I decided to launch a website www.iheartbloodpigs.com - and everything I release henceforth will kind of be under that name...
Like my own little...copywriting publication stamp of approval kinda-thing.
Iheartbloodpigs.

I really do.
I truly, honestly do.

hearts and farts,

Dan