Gallstones: EXPOSED!!!!

Okay, so I have a brand new obsession and it is currently sitting just inside my chest:

GALLSTONES!!
As you may or may not have read - in my last post - I discovered (while in excruciating pain) that I have been diagnosed with gallstones.


I have an appointment with a doctor to have my entire gallbladder REMOVED February 6th - so I've got about 2 weeks.
Until then - I'm forced to stick to a VERY VERY strict - almost zero fat vegan diet - which is great. It's just tough when stirfrys, vegetable oil and even many of my favorite vegetarian soups and chili's are out of the question due to high fat content.


It's a sad, sad day.
Sadder yet - absolutely no drinking.
The good news: No alcohol withdrawal - so I really can "quit whenever I want".
Or - whenever I am FORCED to because drinking will cause me indescribable amounts of searing upper abdominal pain.
At any rate, I have been doing some research to see just what the HELL it is these supposed stones are which are currently floating around inside one of my not-so-major organs - and I must say..when I first saw pictures of these little, green homemade stones - I was met with an overwhelming feeling of equal parts disgust and intrigue.
I have become a gallbladder expert since.
I totally want to be awake during my surgery, so I can see them pluck this plump, purple organ from my chest - and watch with wonder as the doctor slowly splits it open with a scalpel as mounds of green, yellow and purple stones burst out of it.
Check this out brothers and sisters....
Is this some cool shit, or what?

Don't you just want to squeeze one? For real - these fat, greasy stones are made from bile - and LITERALLY PLOG up your gallbladder and cause you excruciating pain. And they are in my chest, right now, rattling around.
GOOD GOD! I just wanna like...hold my gallbladder in my hand and squeeze it like a bean bag or something. UGH!
So fucking nasty...but HOW fucking intriguing.
Check this puppy out:

Seriously. Look at the texture of those fuckers. You could bead a damn fine looking bracelet out of those bastards. They look like something scooped off the beach. Precious stones you save to put in the bottom of modern-looking fishbowls.
I am just so amazed that they ACTUALLY look like stones.

But...that's nothing...this next pic - MY ULTIMATE FAVOURITE:

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! So help me god...I just wanna like...pick a few up and pop them in my mouth and chew them up!!
YUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
I'm so torn between fascination and pure, vomit-inducing disgust.
They are both PUTRID and things of SHEER mystery to me.
Seriously - that gallbladder above looks like an EXPLODED pomegranite or something.

And the doctor actually said "You have QUITE a few in there."
Coming from a doctor -who probably sees gallstones on a daily basis - for him to say "quite a few" must mean my gallbladder is just BRIMMING FULL with these fabulously putrid green stones.

"Please Jesus, Mary and Joseph," I prayed last night, silently.
"Please let the kind doctor save a few gallstones for me in a little plastic jar. I promise I won't throw them at anyone or eat a single one. I just want to look. Because I can't help myself. Because I am obsessed with them. Because I made them. Because they are swimming around in my chest RIGHT NOW. Little, rattling stones. Inside me.
BARF!!
But please, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
Have him save just 5 for me. Or maybe 10.
Amen."

I'll keep everyone posted,

Dan

My Weekend: Morphine, Hillbilly Heroin and 13 Hours in Emergency

Okay brothers and sisters. It's not as bad as it sounds. I didn't FINALLY overdo it and take the next step into needle-drugs and crack pipes.

But I did get the chance to shoot some WICKED narcotics this weekend, which I swallowed whole heartedly.

The reason:
Gallstones, baby.

Yup, kick me in the ass and call me GRANDPA - I gots the gallstones, and lemme tell ya -they hurt like a bitch.

I would have smoked CRACK at the time, had it killed the pain.

However, morphine worked just fine.

It started Friday night.
I went out to eat w/ Julie and Life Partner - to a new Mediterranean Buffet.

Lots of fatty foods...deep fried veggies, falaffel etc.

So we get home and were preparing to go out...when all of a sudden, a little gurgle in my tum tum said "Dan...everything is NOT okay."

Now I've always been a helpless little bitch when it comes to stomach issues - and my belly will nag and complain if I so much as LOOK at a hot pepper.

Mind you, I love them to death.

So I assumed this was no different.

To be frank, it felt like I had to either FART, burp or shit.

So I did what I normally do.

Pop a few Tums and carry on.

Except, it gets a bit worse. Either I'm gonna throw up - or there is gonna be a HUM DINGER of a trip to the bathroom if you know what I mean.

Hint hint.

Giggle giggle*.

anyway.

I finally tell Wayne and Julie to go to the Casino without me...and I decide I'm gonna stay home, take a hot bath and call it a night.

Lame I know.
Call me grandpa.

So I take the bath...and all is not well.

I feel pain, intense nausea.

I assume it could ONLY be something from that FUCKIN' buffet...so as it worses, I do the unthinkable:
I go all Karen Carpenter and deep throat my index finger till I puke up a salad of Mediterranean delights.

I figure if it's toxic, it literally felt like a ROCK was sitting in my stomach - I figured best to get it up.

This doesn't help.

In fact, it makes it worse.

I try to rest in bed, I first pop 3 tylenol.

I can't lay down.

I lay on the floor.

My back now hurts.

I pop 5 more tylenol.

An hour goes by.

I am in agony.

My back and chest are on fire.

It feels like superman punched me in the gut.

Now, I never go to the doctor.

Even if I see a red, irritated throat - I sit it out and kill of the virus or infection on my own, without any anti-biotics.

This however was different.

I found myself pacing up and down the stairs, wanting to jump out of my skin.

I called Julie's cell...

"Hi Julie...you and Wayne are probably still gambling..." I tried to remain calm. "Um...when you get the chance...gimme a ring...don't panic..but i think I may have to go the hospital." Nervous chuckle. "It's probably nothing...but it really hurts....gimme a call."

Hung up.

Fuck.

I call Jeff.

"Jeff...hey...it's dan. NOt to freak you out...but um...i think I need to go to a hospital...if you get this, call me...okay...okay bye."

Fuck again!

I immediately call Karmen and James.

As the phone rings, I can't help but think this is my last chance.

If they don't answer - it's either call an ambulance - or call my parents.

Not sure which is worse.

NOt that I don't love my parents...but sometimes the stress of sitting in what was SURE to be an over-night waiting period in an emergency room with mom and dad...well...it just wouldn't help matters much.

Thankfully...they answer.

So I'm off.

Long story short - I pace the waiting room of met hospital (or is it Windsor Regional now?) for 8 hours until a doctor finally sees me.

The stupid Triage nurse said I "just had the flu".

I think he put me on lowest priority -as even the chick with the fucking throat infection got in before I did.

When the doctor finally saw me he could not believe i was not given anything for the pain, at which point they shot me up nice with some good ole fashioned morphine.

Yum yum, dee-lish!

I was diagnosed with "lots of gallstones" - and I probably have to get my gallbladder removed.

Lovely, eh?

We got home at 12:30pm Saturday afternoon.

13 hourS!

I heard the waits were bad...but I had no idea.

For real - i have a semi-good pain threshold - but this was excruciating.

Thank god it wasn't my fucking heart!

I woulda been dead!

anyway, that was my weekend.

Fun shit.

I'll keep ya posted on the status of my internal organs.

hearts and farts,

dan

The Many Moods and Faces of Pluto

Pluto is a dream come true for Life Partner and I.

She really is.
I couldn't imagine a more perfect cat for our home.
When we decided nearly 2 years ago that were going to get a cat...we wanted 3 things.

1) Cuteness.
2) Friendliness.
3) Cuddliness.

As I type this, Pluto is snuggled up in a ball on my lap. She LOVES humans, and whenever there is a big crowd over, you can guarantee Pluto will be CENTER stage, in the middle of the floor pretending no one is looking at her.

Of course, she may be sitting nicely on my lap at the moment, but in about 20 mins she'll be bouncing off the walls, wanting to play with her brand new remote control mouse she got for Christmas.

Then of course - more treats.

And more cuddling.
Then bed.

As a tribute to how perfect Pluto fits in - and as a THANK YOU for completing our house and making us a family...here are a few snapshots of Pluto the Superstar!!!!!!!
I know I'm a geek for this, but I just love her SOOOO much it's not even funny!!!

Brothers and Sisters....the Many Moods and Faces of Pluto...a retrospective...

Below, is a photo of Pluto...as a grouch:

And here - as an inquisitive and curious brat:

Below...Pluto as a Stunning Sillouhette...

And here, a dangerous but delightful death vixen...

And here is Pluto with her now infamous "Bad Eyes"...when she looks like this...it means we are in for hyper-badness...

Here is her "Do Not Fuck With Me Today" look...yikes.


Pluto as a fashionista supermodel - she loves being surrounded by wardrobes:


And finally...Pluto wanting to be left alone...





Thanks for not vomitting while going through this list...I don't know why I felt compelled to pay tribute to Pluto...I just did.
One last pic...me doing one of my favourite things in the world.

Hanging with my fave stoner cat in the universe.




And...yeah. That's a Madonna comforter. Don't ask. It's Life Partner's. But I loooves it!

Meow,

Dan

Deal-a-Mix (of the workin' out kind...)

Happy aerobicide, brothers and sisters.

Tis the season to be squeezin' fat cells into muscle, grizzle into ripped flesh and love handles into rock hard pockets of sizzlin' man meat.

oh yeah.

Ladies and gents...I'm hittin' the gym for the first time since 1993!!!

That's where all of YOU come in. I need your help.

I recently "got all modern-like" and bought myself one of them there fancy mp3 players.

You know? They're small, tiny and they play those little music-files that all the children are burnin' to compact discs now-a-days?

Yeah, one of them. I mean, one of those.

Anyway - Seeing as the last time I entered the steroid and beefcake laiden territory of "A Gym" - grunge music was in style ...I need help.

What do I work out to?? What are some PUMP ME UP songs...something that'll keep me going.

I am NOT a fan of Britney Spears...so none of that...but it's open season after that. What are some "Can't get in shape without 'em" songs that can help me fullfill my new year's resolutions?

Songs...titles....artists...I'm open and accepting...dish it...I need to ADRENALIZE, AEROBISIZE, so I can DOWNSIZE my ...tummysize.

Or, to make a long story short:

HELP!!

peace, love and stairmasters,

Danielsan (my training begins)

"Nu Year"

So here we go...time to get out the calculators, punch in the numbers and find out if we reached or breeched our new year's resolutions for 2006.
At least, time for me to do that anyway.

Below are last year's New Year's Resolutions from last year's blog...copied word-for-word...and I will give my response to each.

1. Lose weight and get into BETTER shape.

Okay. This one is a bit of a sticking point with me. Turns out I GAINED weight and slipped a few more notches DOWN the "out of shape" belt. Typical.

Resolution: FAILED.

2. Learn how to use my crock pot more - at least THREE dishes (this isn't hard - this is TOTALLY realistic and achievable, i just have to get off my arse).

Three dishes people. 3 fucking dishes. Do you think I learned ONE this year?
No.

Resolution: FAILED.

3. Secure a full-time position at CHUM.

This was a big goal of mine. I was doing a maternity leave this time last year, and I was REALLY REALLY hoping that when the gal I was covering for came back - either A) She would quit and they would hire me on, or B) They would just fucking hire me on anyway and that would be that. Well...it happened. They hired me on anyway, even though the gal did come back! SWEEEEEEEEET!! Easily a highlight of my year. I mean, I know whether or not I was hired was more or less out of my hands...but fuck - i did work my arse off too.
Resolution: PASSED.

4. More poetry readings and more fun special events like the XXXMas cabaret - I totally wanna do more stuff like that in 2006.

Well...I think it's safe to say...I won about 8 poetry slams this year, read at about 15+ open mic nights, was asked to read at Windsor Gay Pride in Charles Clark Square, was asked to read for the SHORTBUS premiere at the Windsor Film Fest party, was asked to read for ART MATTERS for TV Cogeco, did several Titillation and Sleaze shows which keep getting better...I was asked to read at some "Harvesting the Fam" festival which is happening in 2007, was asked to read at some Vegetarian Party festival, also happening in February...and I'll be feature-poet at phog in February. So if reading my stuff in public was a goal - i have to say - happily:
Resolution: PASSED. What a great year I had in that department.

5. Interview either Liz Phair, Juliana Hatfield, Donita Sparks, Kathleen Hanna (or any ember of Le Tigre) or Beth Ditto.

Okay...Liz Phair has been inactive, Le Tigre have broken up, Juliana Hatfield has not gotten back to me, I have not tried Beth Ditto - but I am in touch with Donita Spark's manager - and an interview WILL be happening in the future. HOwever, I wasn't dreaming BIG enough when I wrote this resolution. I had two people on my show this year who I NEVER THOUGHT IN A MILLION YEARS would be on my show:

Kathy Valentine of the Go-Go's...and...

Debbi Peterson of the Bangles!!!

So while I didn't interview any of the above...I still feel I went above and beyond, and I surely would have given up an interview w/ any of my resolutions - to interview either Debbi or Kathy...but to interview BOTH?!?!

Resolution: PASSED.

6. Jam more with Duff Jam Durham.

We had a dry spell, I admit. But - we started jamming a few months back again and it's been our most productive yet. We even wrote a few songs, recorded them and i put some spoken word to them. Which rocks. Still got tons of work to do - but I'm happy with what we have accomplished this year. Especially the latter half.

Resolution: Passed.

7. Blog everyday.

Nah. I failed miserably. I didnt do a BAD job...December was easily my worst month...granted - some of this is due to blogger switching over to google...lots of bugs to work out, which fucked up MANY a post for me this month...but i think i averaged about 15 posts a month, which ain't bad at all. But it's not everyday.

Resolution: Flunk-o-rama.

8. Write more short stories.

I've been focusing so much on spoken word stuff...I really let this go. I am working on something right now...something kinda big...been on it for a month or so and I don't wanna talk about it until it's in later stages. Put it this way:
Resolution: BARELY passed...but I am capable of doing more.

9. Continue writing for UPFRONT and local publications.

Sound the buzzer!! "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHH!"
I think I had one article in UPFRONT. By choice. Blah. Too much other shite to do. However, I did just appear in the 100th Issue of UPFRONT...and i was given a nice pat on the back a couple times, for contributions over the years to the "scene, man"...but as far as writing for print in the city...

Resolution: FAILED.

10. Learn pro-tools at the station.

Well..this sort of went hand in hand with getting a job at CHUM full-time. My back-up plan, if not hired on as a writer - was to be hired on as a night time producer. Our night time producer (at the time) was kind of on the cusp of leaving..and he was gonna leave at the same time as the maternity leave girl was coming back...so I knew I had to learn pro-tools so i would have a chance of scooping his job, if my contract was going to be up. Turns out I didn't have to - but I did learn a BIT about pro-tools....the basics...and i learn more every single day...I'm not NEAR proficient...and my hat is OFF to all producers...being a good producer is a true art...and it's damn satisfying...and i could never call myself a producer ....but - i know enough that I can cut a low-production spot - and I could do the night time production gig if I had to (actually...I DID do the job for about a month when the producer quit)...so compared to what I knew this time last year (zilch) ...i would have to say:

Resolution: PASSED.

11. Become a vegetarian. It's fucking hard. SO hard. But - I feel fucking guilty for eating meat. I do. I know I'm gonna fall off the wagon - but =- I wanna make a conscious effort MORE this year than ever. I've been an on-again off again vegetarian for the last 7 or 8 years - this year I'm gonna REALLY TRY again to slowly but permanently cut meat out of my diet - forever.

Well...February 17th I believe - of last year - I had a gigantic Indian FEAST for my friend's 30th birthday. Butter Chicken. Chicken Korma. Lamb Curry, tandoori chicken...

and then...I felt sick to my stomach.

I remember thinking..."this is delicious...but fucking disgusting...I'm chewing a piece of carcass."

It just popped in my head...and I remember staring at these MOUNDS of meat heaped on my plate...and my stomach just turned and I thought: "Why the FUCK am I eating this when I know damn well it bothers me?" Why does it have to be hard? Why can't i just say: "Fuck it. I'm done."

Mind you - I finished my meal that night - and then...it gets weird.

Perhaps I was stoned. Perhaps I'm a flake. Here it is - in full honesty for whatever it's worth:

My dog - Teddy - a beautiful and wise golden retriever who passed away in 2004 - appeared to me in a dream that night. And he was licking my face - and something was conveyed...a message...and it was like he was HAPPY about my decision. It was like he gave me a stamp of approval...and I just KNEW in the dream - at that moment that he was saying "THANK YOU"..it was like...closure or something.

And that cemented it.

I have NOT even TOUCHED meat since then. I have not even CRAVED IT.

It is still a struggle to be vegan...I have not had an egg or cow milk for probabably close to 8 months. I'm good w/ Soy yogourt, soy milk etc.....however...i have had pizza...with cheese...and i have had baked goods, which contain milk or eggs...i also had a piece of bree at a party. so...the vegan thing still needs tweaking...

but I have cut back on animal product by 95% or more...I'm "almost vegan"....and I get better each day. Regardless - I know I will be a vegetarian for life.

RESOLUTION: PASSED!!!

So that's the skinny folks. Actually...I can't use the word "SkinnY" and "2006" in the same sentence -but it IS part of my resolutions for next year:

Here they are:

1) Become Fully Vegan.

2) Join a fucking gym and go 3 damn nights a week. I'm joining tomorrow.

3) Learn 3 easy vegan recipes in the crock pot (again!)

4) Write more short stories

5) Finish a spoken word album w/ Jeff.

6) MORE POETRY READINGS!!!

7) Get back into reading on a very regular basis (started doing this in Oct but I wanna stick to it)

8) Go for regular, weekly walks - hopefully each night - but realistically - 3 times a week

9) Get wasted less. It's just not fun anymore...not that it's a problem (LOL - first stage is denial) but...I think I'm going to gravitate towards more pot. HA! How many people have that on their fucking resolutions list? Start smoking more pot. Jesus, charmed life indeed.

10) Get a new tattoo on my right arm.

Dats all folkies...Happy F'in New Year!!

Dan