ROGER WATERS: ANOTHER EPIC SHOW...

Had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to see Roger Waters last Monday. It was a birthday gift from Julie - so a GIGANTIC thank-you goes out to her for enabling me to see one of my FAVORITE living legends EVER!!

The coolest thing was seeing so many of my FAVORITE songs performed live - songs I've listened to for SO many years - songs that are pretty much legends in their OWN right - performed live. He had a fucking STELLAR band - and sounded just as good live as he did on CD.

Mind you - there were two songs (have a cigar and comfortably numb) that were vocal enhanced/lip synced - but MIND YOU - the dude is in his fucking 60's!!
When you play for 3 hours STRAIGHT - I think you are entitled to lip sync two of your biggest hits...and when it was lip synced the visuals usually made up for whatever was lacking vocally.

He had flying pigs, floating astronauts - all larger than life motor propelled balloons - which were controlled by remote control and flew over the crowd and beside the stands, circling the entire arena...it was mind-blowing.

He got political in one song called Leaving Beruit which is a newer song - kind of a half-spoken word story about his trip out of Beruit when he was a teenager. It had the almost-mandatory Bush-bashing / anti-Christian-right politics that seem to go hand in hand with EVERY show I've been to in the last few years.
Mind you - I agree completely.
A few people around me didn't - and they booed when he trashed the Christian right.
Not a lot of people clapped actually...which is weird.
Um...HELLO - You're at a Roger Waters show.
If ANYONE is remotely familiar with his lyrics or themes...they will know he is AGAINST all that right wing bullshit.
And - if ANYONE is dumb enough to spend $170 per ticket - to see a performer whose stance, themes and lyrics you are not even REMOTELY familiar with - well....go figure you're a fucking right winger.
It makes perfect sense to me:
You're a right-wing idiot - so of COURSE you'd have no idea what you are ACTUALLY PAYING FOR.
The same people probably thought "The Wall" was an actual brick wall someone was trapped behind, built by a ...I don't know ...disgruntled brick layer???
Anyway, here is the set list - enough of my negativity...

SET ONE:

1. In The Flesh - WOW! Great opener! Animation of marching hammers behind him!
2. Mother - probably one of my top 10 favorite songs of all time.
3. Set The Controls For the Heart Of The Sun - beautiful. I always wish Bowie would cover this.
4. Shine On You Crazy Diamond - photos of the late Syd Barett in the back - i teared up.
5. Have A Cigar - he lip synced this one. But great to hear regardless.
6. Wish You Were Here - Who couldn't love this one, a TRUE classic.
7. Southampton Dock - A non-hit album track - i think everyone was shocked he played this.
8. The Fletcher Memorial Home - FLOORED that he played this one.
9. Perfect Sense parts 1 and 2 - VERY epic - floating astronaut -lots of freestyle jam...VERY cool.
10. Leaving Beirut - new song, comic book background.
11. Sheep - floating pig with "IMPEACH BUSH" on it's ass...it came by our seats TWICE! It stared at me. It freaked me out.

SET TWO:
DARK SIDE OF THE MOON:
(he played the album in its entirety from START to FINISH. This is one of my favorite albums of ALL time. It combines techno, rock, blues, psychedelic and good ole fashioned POETRY to form a LITERAL cyclone of SONIC BEAUTY.
This album is a true masterpiece and to see it live - and to feel the energy of how EXCITED everyone was - literally - seeing these incredible musicians playing instruments and making THOSE SOUNDS - that are so familiar to EVERYONE in that room...brought back SO many amazing feelings...it was fucking phenomenal. Manic depression, sadness, insanity, mental illness, happiness, daydreams...this album covers EVERYTHING- and it was made in fucking 1973!!!)
1. Speak to Me / Breath
2. On the Run
3. Time
4. The Great Gig in the Sky
5. Money
6. Us and Them
7. Any Colour You Like
8. Brain Damage
9. Eclipse (once again, I teared up)

SET THREE (oh yes...there is more...)

1. The Happiest Days of Our Lives
2. Another Brick in the Wall (pt 2)
3. Vera
4. Bring the Boys Back Home
5. Comfortably Numb

All in all - an absolutely BEAUTIFUL concert experience.
I'm so happy I got to see one more of my "must-see" shows.

This weekend - Veruca Salt and Amy Millan of Stars...
Next week - Jenny Lewis w/ the Watson Twins.

CANNOT WAIT!!!
hearts and farts,

dan

Come one! Come all!
And see with your OWN TWO EYES as one of our very own takes her last splash into the deep and marble-blue pool of her late twenties.
Yes, you heard it here first folks - Faustine Faubert is turning twenty-nine years old!
The magic happens this thursday, but the toxins won't take effect until LATE FRIDAY NIGHT which just happens to coincide with one FUCK of a monumental EVENT!!!
OLD FRIENDS and FAMILIAR FACES dancing under the same lights and drinking at the same table in a bar that is as familiar as our own corporate, white collar, nine-to-five desk:THE LOOP.
Sleater-Kinney! Le Tigre! Bikini Kill! Veruca Salt! And more music we used to call "alternative" but is now known by the young-uns as "oldies" will be blaring out loud and ear-splittingly-clear all in the name of the champagne fizzle-popping occaision that IS faustine's birthday.
"It's the weirdest thing," states an ecstatic Faubert, "I have one of these so-called birthdays every year and I just don't get the big deal this time around.."
"Shut the fuck up Faust," states a knitting Karmen Rusnak, best friend and former-roomate of the notorious Faubert. "You just jealous cuz I gots licorice. And WHUUUT?!??!"
Dan MacDonald, long time drinking buddy and rumoured homosexual has agreed to show up, but not before having a few drinks at his own function beforehand.
"What can I say," exclaims an over-blow-dried and farting MacDonald "I need to hang out with some of my office bitches at a downtown bar until 8:30 pm...office sluts are gonna get me tanked then I'm gonna take off the neck tie and party it up - old school style, dudettes!"
That's this Friday - at the Loop.
Pot smokers welcome!
Alcoholism encouraged!
Birthday wishes - absolutely MANDATORY.
Contact Resident Faggots Wayne and Dan or their Fag-Hag-Artist-Hetero-Counter-Parts Karm and James for details.
"This," a toilet-impaired MacDonald states, "Is going to be FUCKIN' ASTRONOMICAL. Or wait...I mean.." a strange shit-eating grin grabs him by the loans, "Astrological!!!! YEAH!!"
Whether he speaks in truth, or is completely full of fart-wind, remains to be seen.
Follow up to come Saturday morning.
Hope ya'll bitches can make it, cuz I'm GOING to have my dancing shoes ON!

The Itzy, Bitzy Spider

I've for sure squashed a centipede or two in the last few months, if I happened to catch them scurrying across the bathroom floor.

The other day though, I did something I immediately felt very strange about.

I was in the house getting ready to leave for my radio show.
Life partner was out in the backyard doing a little bit of pre-fall weeding.

"Hey Dan," he called. "Wanna see the BIGGEST SPIDER EVER?"

Immediately intrigued, I went outside to take a look.
Hanging in one of our trees was indeed, the biggest spider I had EVER seen.
I could make out the little tiger-stripes on its legs.
I could see its beady eyes, actually - it looked like it had 8 of them.
It was GIGANTIC. HUMONGOUS. TERRIFYING.

It sat motionless - and I swear to god - it was looking me DEAD IN THE EYE.

I returned its stare with a FREAKED OUT SHIVER.

"What should we do?" I asked.

"I don't want that thing in our house," Life Partner replied.

Neither did I.

I went back into the house and grabbed a can of insecitcide and emptied half of it onto the spider's body and web.

While I sprayed, the fine lines and intricate details of this creature's home came out, glistening in poisonous, toxic foam.

It looked like a sider web weaved of teeny, tiny sparkling diamonds.

The spider made a run for it - but I kept spraying. It crawled desperately towards a flat piece of wood, while I kept spraying. It slowed down and rolled over onto its back.
Its legs shrivelled, and it died.

I stared at the dead body for a minute and waited for the sigh of relief to come.

Relief that this MONSTROUS eight-legged beast would NEVER make its way onto my kitchen floor, or my living room walls - or worse yet - the sheets of my bed.

Strangely, the sigh of relief never came.

Driving to the radio station that night, I thought about what I had done:

I saw a GIGANTIC spider in a tree in my backyard.

I went BACK into my house to get a can of insecticide.

I came back out and coated the spider and its home with poison, puropsely killing it.

Why?

Because I was afraid.

That's it. Period.

I was afraid of it - so I killed it.

It did nothing but sit in a tree. Not bothering anyone. I have never seen a spider that big in my house before, yet the thought alone scared me so much I deliberately took action to KILL IT.

Now, I know this is miniscule, but the more I thought, I could not HELP but see a small lesson in this experience, which for reasons I cannot explain - had a somewhat significant impact on me.

Here is this gigantic spider - which SHOULD inspire nothing but intrigue, interest and fascination in me.
Fear - sure.
I do find spiders kind of creepy.
But so creepy - so freaked out of the "unknown" and "dark" reputation this creepy-crawler has - I thought for some reason killing it would make me feel better about...what? Myself? My safety?

On a bigger level - isn't this what hate crimes are based on?

Fear?

Is it the same deal, just on a small level?

When we are afraid - is our first instinct to beat down and/or kill?

A fag, a black guy, a pretty girl.

A spider.

We are trained to kill what we are afraid of before we even stop to THINK about why we are killing.

Now of course, I'm not comparing a spider's life to the life of a gay kid or a black guy or a woman...but I think I was walking on the same tight-rope of emotion that comes into play when someone is so blinded by fear all they can think about is terminating the soure by any means necessary.

The spider was not doing anything to me - nor was it EVER going to get into my house.

I knew this.

Yet...I decided its time was up, regardless. Is that the same as selfishness?

Interestingly enough, this morning, I was leaving for work and I saw the same species of spider hanging in the awning of my front door.

Just as big. Just as ugly. Just as scary.

Instantly - I thought: "Kill it."

But I knew that wouldn't make me feel any better about it.

So, I stared at it for a minute, a little bit sickened, a little bit scared, a little bit fascinated by it.

And then I walked to my car while it continued spinning its new web.

And guess what happened?

I felt better about it.

So, this blog entry is dedicated to that GIGANTIC spider I killed - who may or may NOT have been all that big in the grand scheme of things.

But - somehow and for some reason - it taught me a TINY lesson in its own itzy, bitzy way.

Just because I'm afraid - doesn't mean it can't get to be what it is:

A spider.

Hearts and webbies...

Dan

VERUCA UPDATE

Well...got the album.
Good ole Dr. Disc in downtown Windsor...my fave spot for years as a highschooler...and then all of a sudden...maybe about 3 years ago, I stopped going because their selection just..all of a sudden...sucked.
Last night, I was pleasantly surprised to find their selection has once again blossomed into a WILD ENGLISH GARDEN OF SOUND! CDs I have only ever purused on sites such as amazon.ca or allmusic.com were scattered everywhere - FULLY available and ready for my haggered debit card.

And smack dab in the middle of it all was VERUCA SALT IV.

(insert sad music here)

For the first time since LOVING EVERYTHING THIS BAND HAS EVER DONE (1993)....it is with great sadness I say: I am disappointed.

Enough said.

The good news: I do know this band puts on a STELLAR show - I had the pleasure of seeing them 6 years ago...and I will revisit that pleasure September 30th at the Hayloft Liquor Stand in Michigan September 30th.

So, it's gonna be a Veruca-Autumn one way or another....I'm hoping to meet Louise this time.

Sigh,

I still love her so...

hearts and salts,

dan

No Salt!!!! Salt Free! Sans Salt!!

What's a guy gotta do to get a little salt in his musical diet??
It seems once a year I endure a desperate search for an album which - in theory - SHOULD be available at any record store.
The new VERUCA SALT, for example.
One of my favorite bands of the '90s - and they FINALLY released their first album in 6 years.
Being the obedient little fan I am - I made my way to HMV to casually pick it up.
They "didn't get it in yet".
I kept my composure, and non-chalantly waltzed down to Music World, who surely - would have it.
They didn't even HAVE a Veruca Salt section.
With my nose slightly out of joint, I left the mall, choking back my childish tears and made my way to my car.
CD Warehouse on Walker.
They'll have it. They have EVERYTHING.
Working the cash register was this girl who I have seen around town since I was a kid.
She used to work at A & A Records and Tapes in Tecumseh Mall, then switched to Jumbo Video (long before I worked there).
She's just one of those faces I see around.
As a ten year old boy - she used to ring up my purchases on a monthly basis.
It's how I spent my allowance :)
One time, a few years ago - I told her this.
She was creeped out that I remembered her.
Go figure she didn't seem to remember me when I came in for the new Veruca.
"Sorry...we didn't get it in. But - the good news: It WAS released today!"
Thanks, bitch. I know.
I didn't even bother hitting Dr. Disc.
Now I know what yer all thinking:
Download this shit!! RIGHT?
I know, I know.
I am no longer anti-downloading...I just have a bit of a ...twitch when it comes to my favorite bands.
I look at it like this: Some people like to drop a couple hundred (or thousand) on hockey equipment - or drop 50 bucks here and there on their scrap-booking hobby:
I like dropping 18.99 once in a while on a CD by a band I've worshipped since highschool.
Unfortunately, - and very sadly - the fucked up state of music is leaving me no choice BUT to download - or order from online - but then I have to wait 2 weeks to hear it!!
So why does NO STORE IN WINDSOR carry the new Veruca Salt??
Is it the trickle down effect - because no one BUYS music anymore??
Life Partner and I were in HMV the other day, commenting on how TINY all the sections were.
Have people gone so download-crazy, that record stores just flat-out don't BOTHER ordering anything by "the little guys" - because no one buys - they just download?
Think about it...is it a RISK - for a record store like Music World - to order an album like Veruca Salt because hardly anyone purchases CDs anymore?
Are the chances of that small, compact disc gathering dust on the shelves while all the fans download it - too much a risk for the store to take so they just don't BOTHER getting it in???
Again - I'm not anti-downloading...but...if people ask "Does it effect the market" - the answer - CLEARLY - is yes.
"This is the first album I bought in 4 years!" a Veruca Salt fan exclaimed on the Veruca Salt my space account.
WOW.
Are we experiencing the trickle-down effect? Sure big cities like Toronto will have all these records...but for how much longer?
People don't NEED to buy CDs anymore.
So it makes perfect sense to me - that a record store, in return, would ask the same question: "Then why do WE need to keep stock of EVERYTYHING that's released, aside from the top 40's which are a guaranteed sell?"
Hard times folks. Hard times.
And - to prove a point here - I am going to do a little experiment.
I am NOT going to download this ONE ALBUM - I am going to just do a little search and see how LONG it takes for me to FIND a copy of this CD the old fashioned way.
Even if I have to stomp my feet on the ground and throw a tantrum and scream "I want it now! I want it now! I want it NOW! I WANT IT NOW!!"
Get it? Veruca Salt? Willy Wonka....
OK.

I'm kinda lame.

PS - Veruca Salt coming Sept 30 to the Hayloft Liquor Stand!! WOO HOOO!!!

Hearst and Verucas...
Dan

Amy Millan

I recently picked up the new Amy Millan album - "Honey From the Tombs".
This album had the "Jenny Lewis Effect" on me - instantly, which is interesting, seeing as - much like Jenny Lewis, this is another artist who broke away from a well-respected band to do a solo record.
In case anyone doesn't know what the "Jenny Lewis" effect is - sometime early this year I picked up the Jenny Lewis record just based on the cover. Never heard a single track from it.
I thought the cover art was interesting - and I liked Rilo Kiley - so I figured what the fuck!?
I ended up falling MADLY, head-over-heels in LOVE with it - I believe I even posted a blog about Jenny Lewis - much like I am doing right now for Amy Millan.
It was the best album I heard since Liz Phair jumped the good thing she had going.

I saw Amy Millan last fall in the band STARS - and they were phenomenal of course.
But something about her solo work resonates a bit more in me.
Maybe it's the whole female-lead vocal thing that gets me...and now that I think of it - perhaps that is what won me over to STARS in the first place.
Regardless - if you are a fan of Jenny Lewis, Lucinda Williams, Cat Power or Juliana Hatfield (or Liz Phair's INCREDIBLY WEIRD Whip-Smart album) - I think you will GREATLY enjoy this album.
The vocals are hum-drum but drenched in emotion, the drums are kick-ass and the songs are COMPLETELY original sounding, with some REALLY kick-ass thought provoking lyrics.
They make you feel like you're in love straight along with her.
So - if you read my Jenny Lewis blog so many months ago and got into her from that - I guarantee - you WILL like the Amy Millan record (not that it is even the same thing as Jenny Lewis - but it is easily - as interesting a listen).
Don't believe moi? Check out a few of her songs: www.myspace.com/amymillan

A+ in my books folks. This is what beauty in the autumn sounds like.

FYI: She is coming October 1st to the Magic Bag - which is the size of my living room.
Any takers?

hearts,

Dan

"Are You Some Kind of Athiest, or Something?": My First Trip to the Chiropractor

Picture it:
Me - sitting in a Doctor's office waiting to speak to my new chiropractor with a look of sheer CONFUSION on my face.
I just sat through an hour and a half-long presentation about the benefits of his service - including how he and his office hold a - and I quote: "Biblical" view of the human body - and believe that we are all created in God's image.
"HIS image," the doctor said.
Piped into the waiting room while I waited for my one-on-one with the doctor - was the undeniable sound of christian rock.
"Jesssuuuuuuuus!! I praise you!!! You are the king!!! You are my king!!! My saaaavior....Jesus...I praise you...."

"How," I asked myseld aloud while waiting, "Do I get myself into these situations?"

The doctor was currently talking to another patient - and I admit, I was tired, hungry and a little bit annoyed that I spent the better part of my evening sitting around learning about all about my spine - when all I really wanted was a fucking adjustment.
Crack my damn back and send me on my merry little way.
It was a crazy day at work - and I just flat-out did NOT need THIS scenario.
Having to listen to the atrocity of Christian music was just the icing on the cake.

"Alright," I thought. "Either I walk outta here now - or...I throw a little tantrum."

A smile crept across my face. I felt an eyebrow automatically raise.

"Time to prove a point," I thought, as I got up and made my way to the front desk.

"Hi," I said.
"Hi," she said.
"Question," I said.
"Yes?" she asked.
"What's up with the Christian rock?"
"Pardon me?"
"The Christian rock. I have nothing against it...but come on...the preaching during the presentation, the religious slant on everything - and now I have to sit through Christian rock...it's unprofessional - this is a public place."
"Ummm....."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm not trying to be a difficult person and I know it's not your fault. I just think it's inappropriate. I didn't know this was a 'Christian-themed' office...had I known I would have gone to a different doctor."
"Oh no - we are not a Christian-themed office...this is just what the doctor listens to. I assure you, when it is busy - you won't be able to hear it...."
"That's not the point," I said "The point is I have to sit here and listen to a religious sermon, and all I wanted was a spinal adjustment. I think religion and medical practice should be seperate...I don't think this is professional - it's not inclusive."
"If you would like to talk to the doctor about it, you can..."
"Yes. I would! THANK YOU!!"

So, back to the waiting room.

"Lord of alll lords...you are my LOOOOOOOOOVE!!!! God...GOD...GAWWWWWWWWD almighty....you sent your SON to shine his loooove on me....SHINE your LOOOVE on me JEEESSSSSUSSSSS....".

It was the LONGEST 8 minutes of my life.

Finally, I heard the doctor in the hallway.

"Dan is in the cubicle," I heard the receptionist say. "He has one more issue he wants to talk to you about..."
"Yes of course," the doctor said.

Keep in mind - the doctor was cute as hell. And extremely nice - very charming.
He reminded me of this guy I used to date about 9 years ago.
oh my god that makes me sound old.
Holy fuck. 9 years ago???
GOOD GOD!
Whoops.

Anyway....where was I...ah yes...the doctor in the room with me.
It was my big moment.

"Okay," I began, very carefully. "I don't want this to come off as offensive to you - or anything you believe - but I don't know any other way of saying it - so I'm just gonna ask you: What is UP with the Christian rock?"

He smiled.

"You don't like it?" he asked.

"I just don't think it is appropriate for an office setting - no. I didn't think your comments during the presentation were completely appropriate either. I don't care what you believe - but I didn't come to hear what you believe either. I felt uncomfortable."

Get ready folks - the doctor is about to pop the question of the DAY:

"What," he asked - SMIRKING and I am not exaggerating - "Are you some kind of ATHIEST or something?"

(insert record-scratch sound here)

I BEG your FUCKING PARDON!??!!?!?!?!
I am a POTENTIAL patient - SITTING HERE - about to drop two hundred and fifty bucks A MONTH for ONE YEAR at this guy's office - and I tell him POLITELY that I am a BIT uncomfortable because his religious views are so PROMINENT - and he QUESTIONS MY RELIGIOUS VIEWS????? WITH A SMIRK NO-LESS.
FUCK. YOU.

Of course - I didn't think of any of that until after, driving home...so this is what I said instead:

"That's actually none of your business," I stated giving him back my best smirk as well, "I just don't feel comfortable having to sit through a religious sermon when all I wanted was an adjustment."

"Dan...church is just a building..." he began.

"I know. And this is a doctor's office. I think the two should be seperate...or you need to advertise as a christian - or SPIRITUAL practice - because that is OBVIOUSLY the only group who wouldn't feel excluded here.."

"Well," he said - smirking. "I am not changing the music. The music is HEALING for people...it effects people, it works through them...moves them....it is part of th healing process to help deliver them from pain. It is tranquil and soothing."

I KID YOU NOT .

"No," I said. "If you want "tranquil and soothing" - why don't you play a sounds of nature disk...? Or some kind of instrumental music...this is Christian rock - and I know this sounds ridiculous - but I am NOT going to come to this office again because of it."

"Pffft!" he said. "So where are you gonna go for help then, seriously?"

"To someone who keeps their religious beliefs at home, where they should be."

"What," he began, a look of disgust on his face "So you're saying you want a doctor who doesn't go to CHURCH??"

"No," I said - not being so polite anymore. "I don't care what you believe or what church you go to...but this is a public place and I do NOT feel comfortable with a doctor talking about religious theory and having to listen to christian rock. It is not an environment I feel comfortable in."

"Well," he said extending his hand for me to shake it "This is a first in 14 years."

"Well," I said back, shaking his hand "Then I guess I am the first in 14 years."

"I"ll pray for you Dan - that you get better from this."

"Well...thanks. But for future reference - you might wanna let the public know what kind of practice you offer - it will save EVERYONE from wasting their time."

He then stormed off - hitting the door on his way out.
He was PISSED.

"What - are you some kind of ATHIEST??"

Can you believe that shit???
A trip to the fucking chiropractor.

I wish I was making this shut up - but so help me - it's all true.

And - let me re-instate - there is nothing wrong with being religious. But you keep that shit at HOME. Could you imagine - for a MOMENT - if he said instead of "God" - that we are all created in the image of "Allah" - and he was playing Islamic music in his office?

NOt only would be people feel "uncomfortable" - he would probably be fire bombed, put on a "possible terrorist" list - and maybe even deported.
Okay, I am exaggerating. But you know what I mean.

There's nothing wrong with being a Christian person and having strong beliefs.
But - there is a time and a place.

Kinda like Lil' Kim music.

Nothing wrong with it. But - it has NO PLACE in a doctor's office. We don't wanna offend the people with "morals" do we?

So my question to you all is - anyone know of a good Chiropractor in Windsor who ISN'T a Jesus freak?

hearts and cracks,

Dan

The First Day...

I swear - the first day of school has its own SMELL!!
I thought, back in my school-days, that the first day of school only SEEMED like "The First Day of School" because it meant the end of summer play time and the return to the boring drudgery of the organized and planned education system mapped out by some teacher who obviously hates their job.
My gradeschool was FULL of those kinds of teachers.
Mind you - we had a few real ones who actually cared about the kids - which was cool....but for the most part...EEKS.
Anyway, I woke up today just in time to see a school bus trailing away down my street and knew immediately what day it was.
First day of school.
The air smells like fresh crayons and sharpened pencils, the new-car scent of plastic pencil cases hangs in the air like an overwhelming perfume, binders and duotangs are perfectly in tact and promise NOTHING but the highest standard of organization.
Red pens, blue pens and black pens are lined up in rows balanced by unmarked rulers - and students look on with envy as the one or two lucky kids take out their brand-spanking new - and perfectly intact geometry sets.
Then, we begin to wonder what the HELL they are for.
Text books are passed out, rules sheets are posted on the bulletin board and the teacher lays down the law just after the national anthem.
Automatically - you feel like you have a new best friend with your teacher.
Everyone is at the top of the class.
No missed assignments, no late essays and no awkward moments at the black board, trying to fill out an equasion you just flat-out don't know the answer to.
Everything is roses in September.
It's a total new beginning.
Moms and Dads miss their kids - or discover a new found freedom.
School bells start punctuating the day.
There are children EVERYWHERE during lunch hour - from grade schoolers walking home for a grilled cheese sandwich or can of Chef Boyardee - to highschoolers crossing the street like rebellious jay-walking bad-asses, staring at you DEFINANTLY - DARING you to hit them.
I love the first day of school.
It's TOTALLY chaotic - everyone's nerves are shot - but isn't there just the BIGGEST rush of energy in the air??
You can just FEEL IT - so thick you can SMELL it.
Stick your head out the window right now and take a whiff.
That smell only comes around ONCE a year.
RELISH IT.
It's a brand new start.

Happy un-Official New Year brothers and sisters.

hearts and farts,
Dan

Windsor Christian Fellowship

Windsor Star writer Marty Gervais just wrote a feature in the dearly beloved publication about the Windsor Christian Fellowship.
The feature was called "A Church that Connects".
I do not know if the WFC just flat-out PAID him to give them a journalistic-blow-job on page A5 - if he did it by his own free will - or if he was driven to do so by the holy spirit himself.
Regardless - he gave the WFC a hummer so THOROUGH - it would probably rival the oral talents of Linda Lovelace herself.
In case anyone doesn't know who she is - she was a very unfortunate woman brought up by a strict Christian Family - who later became brainwashed by an abusive, power-tripping asshole who forced her to work against her will in the porn industry - which by the way - she "conquered" (at least from the male, business perspective of things - she herself ended up on welfare, working odd jobs for the rest of her short life. Strange, considering she is probably the most famous female porn star - EVER) and brought "porn" into the mainstream by starring in the notorious, yet oddly respected triple X cult favorite "Deep Throat".
While I am not comparing Gervais to Linda Lovelace - I AM questioning whether or not he is brainwashed by this church.
Put it this way - after reading what Gervais wrote of the WFC, if the church were a knob, it would be polished.
In fact - this fine piece of print-media-lip-service to the WFC was so damn oooey-gooey good - I felt JEALOUS and couldn't help but read with wide eyes and a gaping mouth, wondering how much more GRAPHIC it could POSSIBLY get!!
I snapped out of it when I felt a thin line of spittle trace its way out of the corner of my mouth and slide down my chin.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!" I exclaimed.

"Its ranks have swelled to more than 2,000 on any given Sunday," writes Gervais. "Its Sunday school is packed with 500 to 600 kids during its two services. This is well in line with the the rise of evangelical churches in Canada."

That last line frightens me.
"The rise of evangelical churches in Canada."

While he goes on to bob up and down on the slickly lubed up and apparently "all mighty" pole of the WFC - I couldn't help but think of an entirely DIFFERENT side to the Windsor Christian Fellowship.

I thought of a waitress I used to work with - who told me about her two small brothers and the beatings they endured at this church.
I thought about my friend Matt - a friend of mine from University who I have known since gradeschool who decided to "check it out" one day and was transformed into a religious fanatic who called all his friends and told us we were going to hell and he could no longer speak to us - was no longer ALLOWED to speak to us, unless we admitted we were sinners and were washed of our sins at the WFC.
I thought about how the WFC encouraged all its members to "vote NO" on the same-sex marriage debate.
I thought about the time I interviewed a pastor from the Windsor Christian Fellowship and he spoke in "tongues" in front of me - could not say a straight sentence without reading from the bible to "validate" what he was saying - and then asked if I would say the sinner's prayer with him and be instantly DELIVERED from my sins.
When I declined, he told me there would be a celebration the day I decided to do so.
I thought about a really cool chick I used to know who joined this church. Whenever we talked - I always felt a CRAZY energy from her and considered her a free spirit.
Maybe even a wee bit of a hippy.
Within less than a year of joining the WFC - she too swore off ALL her friends, got married (which no one was invited to) and moved away so no one could "influence" her otherwise.
Several people recieved form letters - most likely NOT written by her - stating she was on a different path and could not associate herself with anyone who was still a heretic.

What Marty Gervais left out of his very slick piece of literary-head he dealt out to the WFC - was that this place is a CULT.

This place is a dangerous cult which robs people of their individuality - which causes people to become judgemental, gives them a false sense of superiority.

I have nothing against religion.

Nothing. If religion helps someone get their life in order - helps them like themselves better - or even just gives them a little bit of peace of mind and lets them get to sleep easier at night - WONDERFUL.

It's this higher and mightier than THOU attitude - and I know I am preaching to the choir here.
And the WFC - is FULL OF IT.
FULL OF IT.
I have seen it first hand - and through others who have either been scarred or kidnapped by its beliefs.

And its one of the FASTEST growing churches in Windsor???
Easily the richest - as Gervais' article points out the congregation has no problem whatsoever dropping 40 - 50 THOUSAND dollars EACH WEEK in the collection basket - thanks to the ATM machine that sits in a prominent spot in the main hall of the church.

Do they help people? Sure they do. Are their intentions all bad?
Of course not.

But are the people who attend this church HEALTHY?? Is a "holier than thou, gay-is-bad, hell-and-damnation-conservative-ideology-shrouded-in-a-save-the-family-facade" something Windsor needs to be promoted?

Why did Gervais promote this homophobic and sexist church with a burning passion, so hot it could have come DIRECTLY from a casual dip in the lake of fire itself?

Is there a rise of evangelical (and closed minded) churches in Canada?

SHOULD we be frightened??

Getting in "Shape"

While I do realize I am most DEFINETELY a "shape" - I cannot say with confidence I am "in shape".
Thus begins my journey into physical fitness.
The journey actually started about 8 years ago - I just took breaks along the way.
Ya gotta smell the flowers if you wanna enjoy the walk, right?
Or perhaps that's the problem.
Maybe I shouldn't be "walking".
Maybe I should be power-walking, or stair-mastering, excercise-biking, tread-milling - something a little MORE ...than just...walking.

So - I am picking up where from EXACT place where I stopped to sniff the flowers:
The Gym Hunt.

Good Life, Lifestyles, Central Fitness, the YMCA, Windsor Squash and Fitness...Exclusively Women's, Curves...if ONLY I could be a member.
The thought of working out with a bunch of Oprah-watching soccer moms ...well...it sorta feels like a warm, fuzzy hug.
Unfortunately, the...thing...between my legs ended the possibility of enjoying the comfort of an all-women-gym before the glimmer of hope in my eye even had a CHANCE to transform into a spark.

So...the quest to find the perfect gym - and when I say perfect - I DO have a criteria I am looking for.

#1 - Price.
I'm terribly sorry - but 28 dollars EVERY FUCKING TWO WEEKS is just too much for me. That's 60 bucks a month. That's how much I pay for the brand new furnace I am financing.
I just can't justify it. Yes, a hefty 6-pack (and I don't mean the kind that come in brown bottles) is "priceless"....but...ah fuck, who am I kidding?? It is NOT priceless - because OBVIOUSLY - 60 dollars just strikes me as a little steep.
I think 40 bucks a month is sufficient. Tops.
And - I do not want to pay any ridiculous initiation fee. $185 to JOIN!!!
Whooopeee!! That's supposed to be a DEAL!?!?
I pay almost 200 bucks so I can THEN begin to pay you by the MONTH just to lift heavy chunks of iron?
I. don't. think. so.
Pass me a bag of chips, dammit.

#2. Environment.
Okay, I admit - I want CHEAPER - but I don't want it to LOOK cheaper. I need a stimulating and EXCITING workout environment with LOTS of cardiovascular machines, lots of TVs all around me and exciting bright colours. I need positive stimulation. Mind you - I WILL cut myself OFF from ALL of this with one switch on my ***MP3 player - and became an isolated island of sheer workout-energy, introspective and intense, but that's beside the point. I need movement and colour if I'm gonna work up a sweat, so a gray box of a room with carpet and a treadmill ain't gonna cut it.

#3. Patrons.
I do not want to work out my flabby - yet somehow SCRAWNY frame amidst a bunch of steroid-head knuckle draggers. I want people older than me, people more out of shape than me and absolutely NO ONE who is all that cute. When I work out - the last thing I need is some hot buff stud boy to pump the treadmill next to me faster than I am and make me feel inferior while EVERYTHING about him GLISTENS GRACEFULLY - right down to the droplets of sweat dripping beautifully down the lenght of his muscled, well-toned calves. I want a bunch of strong-willed and determined out-of-shapers to keep their eyes forward and bear with me as the group of us - without speaking a word - declare WAR on our out of "shape" yet...shapely bodies.


So there we have it. My criteria. Not ridiculous.
Think anyone can make a suggestion? I'm thinking the YMCA...maybe Goodlife - I know they are expensive - but I'm wondering if I just go in - be SUPER nice and just say: "Okay. No initiation fee. And I'm not paying more than 40 bucks a month. Yes - or no?" - if they would give it to me?

*** I bought my first EVER MP3 player today. Especially for working out. I also made an mp3 track listing - ALL motivational songs to pump me up for my cardio.
Check the tracklisting and feel free to make any suggestions:

Courtney Love - Sunset Strip (demo)
Hives - Main Offender
Hole - Plump
Hole - Drag
Bikini Kill - New Radio
Bikini Kill - Rebel Girl
Bikini Kill - Star Bellied Boy
Courtney Love - Sunset Strip (studio)
L7 - Wargasm
L7 - Diet Pill
Nirvana - Lounge Act
Pixies - Nimrod's Son
Violent Femmes - Black Girls
Gossip - Listen Up!
Juliana Hatfield - Road Wrath
L7 - Fast and Frightening
Sonic Youth - Kool Thing
Liz Phair - Erecting a Movie Star
Liz PHair - Don't Have Time
Blur - Charmless Man
Blind Melon - Tones of HOme
Blur - Beetlebum
Green Day - Jesus of Suburbia
Mary Timony - On the Floor
Ani DiFranco - Fuel
ANi DiFranco - Superhero
Prodigy - Firestarter
Stone Temple Pilots - Big Bang Baby
Toadies - Possum Kingdom
Le Tigre - Keep on Living
Supergrass - Caught by the Fuzz
Weezer - My Name is Jonas
Radiohead - Paranoid Android
Flaming Lips - the Yeah Yeah Yeah song
Alanis Morissette - 8 Easy Steps (don't you fucking DARE laugh)
Distillers - Beat Your Heart OUt
Dressy Bessy - Better Luck
Gandarvas - First Day of Spring
Foo Fighters - I'll Stick ARound
Hole - Miss World
Elastica - Connection
Elastica - Car Song
Elastica - Stutter
Weezer - Holiday
Dizzy Racal - Fix Up Look Sharp
Streets - Fit But YOu Know It
Dressy Bessy - Just ONce More
Methods of Mayhem - Get Naked
Shakespeare's Sister - Goodbye Cruel World
Madonna - Ray of Light

Yeah yeah yeah....CHEESEY songs...but - some are my faves from way back when..and they are all very high energy, which is what I need.
So help me - music effects me like DRUGS - so this should be like a little shot of speed.
Music is my red bull.

Any others I should try?
I got 500 songs to load in :) this is just a start...and I promise - if I EVER feel the need to hop off the treadmill and smell the flowers - I'm OKAY with that.

The tick isn't getting off.

It's getting ON.

Love and future muscles,

Daniel.