Framed by the Bed Side

Eight years ago - almost to the day - I was in a new friend's bedroom, waiting, while he took a shower and I was alone.
Now - I have never been a nosey person - but how could I not resist a peek at his CD collection...for real?
I double checked to make sure I could still hear the shower running, and I crouched down by his CD case to take a look...
As I reached for the giant stack of compact-bliss, something else caught my eye.
It was a piece of paper, framed - on his night stand - and there was writing written in calligraphy on it...
It looked like a poem.
For once in my life, I forgot about the CDs and instead, directed FULL attention to this small piece of intrigue, half-hidden on the night stand.

I'll never forget what the words read:


Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

- Edgar Allan Poe

And that was it.
Tell me that's not a thing of beauty.
I was seriously - TOUCHED - because instantly I related with this poem - and I related COMPLETELY with my friend, who at that time was still very much a stranger to me.

Up to that point - I was a lonely guy. More or less.
I had friends - most of who didn't even know I was gay.
I was in denial, figuring that - just like when I was a kid - I'd forever be the weirdo guy who never really gets to find his place.

So - when I saw this poem - I don't know...it spoke to me better than any stupid PFLAG pamphlet ever could - or any dumb-ass gay counsel youth group shit I attended.

Keep in mind - I was an "Exile in Gayville" at the time as well.

For some weird reason - at that time, the only guys I got along with - I was screwing.
The rest - hated me.

An outcast even in homosexual land. My music was wrong, my hair was wrong, didn't have much of a fashion sense and so help me god...I just couldn't stomach up the strength or patience to go shopping with all the other gay boys my age.

I just wanted to sleep with them.
HA!
Kidding.
But - I did prefer the lesbians for company back in those days.

anyway - for the first time - that VERY SECOND when I read that poem - something in me went "SNAP!"

And I just felt this big warm WAVE wash over me...and I was thinking "Holy FUCK. We ALL feel this way!! So who the FUCK cares any more?!?!"

In a weird way...that was probably the first time I ever felt anything that resembled "pride" in being born a fairy princess.

And that's the TRUTH....

We're all fucked up and alone in one way or another...might as well revel in it, right?

hearts and farts, brothers and sisters...

Dan

ps - a LOT happens in 8 years....even though it seems like it was 2 seconds ago.
Time is truely a incredible thing.

Things that make ya go....WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

Check this out...I was showing someone my blog at work the other day - so I type in the address...and some fucked up page pops up....
and I'm like..."HUH?!?!"
I double check the address...sure enough...it was my blog address...but - it was NOT my blog.
It was some religious website....

I triple checked my address - and it was EXACTLY right.
Yet...not my blog.
It was a Chrisitan book store, some church, bible study...



The first thing I thought was: "Oh my god! IT's the fucking Windsor Christian Fellowship or some fucker who likes them, and they thought they would be cute and hack my blog and fuck with it..."
I was stumped....
THen - I noticed it was ONE letter off....

See for yourself:
http://iheartbloodpigs.blogpsot.com/

"blogpsot.com" instead of "blogspot.com"

Now - come ON. For real.
FIrst of all...doesn't this pose ONE question:

What the FUCK kind of bible study site uses "I Heart Blood Pigs" as the main part of their address...for real???

I used it because it was a RANDOM little story about how I once called these chicks I was waiting on (when I was a server) "bloodpigs" because I was so pissed off at how trashy and stupid they were...and then, I thought the idea of "bloodpigs" and calling someone a "bloodpig" (because it is such a FUCKED thing to call anyone) was kind of cute and original...hence my blog...

iheartbloodpigs.blogspot.com

Now all of a sudden there is a
iheartbloodpigs.blogpsot.com????!?!?!?!!?

WHAT?!?!?

IS?!?!?!?

THAT?!?!?!

Talk about juxtaposition.

Jesus.

I mean....Um...geez louise....

*gulp*

hearts and...blogpsots....

dan


Seriously....?

Fire in the Sky

Saw the annual fireworks down by the river tonight.
Been going to these pretty much every single year since I can remember.
I used to sit on the fifth story balconey of my grandma's apartment building which was just south of Ottawa and watch them with my entire family - including aunt's, uncles, cousins...
It was cool.
It was usually the last day of school, we'd get blankets, chips, talk...and then the sky would explode and that'd be it.
The on-going joke in my family was that - if we brought a tape recorder each year - we'd hear the EXACT same comments.
The obligatory joke about "Oooooh-ing" and "Ahhh-ing"...
"Those ones look like little bugs..." - from my aunt Corrine.
"It looks like a weeping willow..."
"Wow...they made hearts...and stars!! WOW!"
and then my uncle:
"Well..the grand finale was just...it was just, phenomenal..."
I think about each of those quotes EACH year - even though none of us watch the fireworks together anymore - because they ALL ring sooo TRUE.
It's cute.
It got to the point, with that running joke - that we started saying "If we only brought a tape recorder....we'd hear the same damn thing" - would actually END UP being on the TAPE RECORDER because we said it EVERY year....
Awesome memories.
This year, Life Partner, Kerri, Danielle and myself waltzed down to the river and stood near Pierre street near Danny's Tavern and watched them.
Nothing much different than any other year - but they are charming none the less..
The grand finale was exactly that - and the people watching was PRIMETIME.
And of course - there was the obligatory "Alright, let's all get the FUCK outta here," the SECOND the last explosive was detonated.
No one ever stays to party afterwards, in the streets.
Ah well....

Cheers to the fireworks - yet again!
Once again, I'll be going to bed, closing my eyes and seeing multi-coloured sparks, all night long.

LOOOOOOOOOooooOOOooooOOOOOOooooOOOOooooOOOVVE
SUMMER!!

hearts and farts,

Dan

I Won

I never EVER want to sound like I'm boasting.
But - when it's PURE happiness...I find it near IMPOSSIBLE to keep to myself.
Is that the same as boasting?

I won ANOTHER slam poetry contest - this one was selecting people to go off to the NATIONALS in Toronto and compete against OTHERS who won poetry competitions all over Canada.
So yeah...in the fall - I'll be performing in Toronto...with other coffee shoppers just like me...

Here's the bragging part:

It feels SO good to WIN at what you LOVE to do.
I've written since I was old enough to read...I make things up in my SPARE TIME...my favorite question is "what would you do - IF..." and I make my living off of WRITING.

It's like the biggest hug in the world - given out by yourself.
ANd I promise you my head will NEVER get big from this (as I type this I fear I will never AGAIN be able to write the type of poem AGAIN - it was just a fluke that I won) - but it feels so good, I actually feel PRIDE in myself - something I RARELY feel.

maybe THIS is the reason for contests...I know i was struggling with it in my last post...and like I said...I still don't COMPLETELY agree with the idea of putting someone's art and expression against another's in a contest...but one thing i can't argue:
Fuck, it feels DAMN GOOD when you win...
AND
everyone was SOOO fuckin goood tonight, I think that is why I feel so INCREDIBLE about winning...that I won over these INCREDIBLE, TALENTED passionate poets....
my mind, is blown.

SO the next time I give you a song and dance about how much I think I suck and how I don't want to go...don't believe me.
Because NOTHING could EVER keep me from doing this. I need it to stay sane, for real.

okay, enough...

hearts and farts,

Dan

slamboreee

Howdy bros and fros,

Big night tomorrow night...slam night at phog - as usual - except this time it is the competition to be in the SlamTeam....
now, I don't know what a "slam team" does...in fact, I even kind of hate the idea..
I don't believe someone's poetry should be a "contest"...to see who's is "best" and to me - a "team" mentality kind of promotes that way of thinking...

I mean, would you ever have a "painting" team? Or a "sculpture team" to "compete" against other "sculpters"???

I mean, yeah i guess....
but fuck...it is what it is, you know?

Maybe I'm just not a competative person.

Regardless - I WILL be at Phog tomorrow night reading SOMETHING - whether it is for the competition or not...

talk to you later music lovers,

dan

Summer Solstice

Happy Summer Brothers and SISTERS!!
It's June 21st - the longest day of the year.
Summer is FINALLY here.
Stars with wings are out in full-force, especially tonight and after this, the days start getting shorter and shorter.

Sad, but true.

If you get the chance tonight - sit outside and have a drink with me and the fireflies.

They'll be the little green and yellow lights floating around your head and darting into bushes.

I'll be the guy staring up into the same sky - as you!

Dan

The Chicken (Shit) Run (Stroll)

Willistead Manor.
It's a gorgeous mansion set in Willistead Park, built by whiskey-king Hiram Walker jr. back in Windsor's bootlegging, rum-runnin' days.
It's now the backdrop within this notorious hoity-toity dog-walkin'-space-by-day / gay-cruising-park-by-night.
Life Partner and I decided to do one of my favorite things last night after watching the "documentary" on Neil Young called "Heart of Gold".
FYI - It's NOT a documentary - it's a concert DVD.
Anyway, it was about 11pm - and we walked on the outside of the park gates.
No, we weren't cruising for a third (alhtough, I was hoping we'd at least be entertained by seeing real-live cruisers, there were none to be seen).
So, we were walking by this mansion and it looked all gothic and massive, and one light in the attic was on.
It gave me goosebumps and it prompted a quick round of our favorite game: "What would you do if..."
So I asked Life Partner:
"What would you do - if someone offered you ....say, 40 grand to spend ONE NIGHT ALONE in Willistead manor with all the lights off - and you had to stay on the top floor...? Could you do it?"
"Of course I could," Life Partner said. "Fuck, I'd do it for like...a grand."
I stared at the dark and intimidating shape of Willistead and shivered in my sandals.
"What?" he asked shocked. "You WOULDN'T?"
"FUCK NO!!," I replied - eyeing up the sole light burning in the attic. "Honestly...my chest gets tight just THINKING about it."
"What would you be afraid of?"
I thought long and hard as we passed by the black windows of the manor.
"I have NO fucking idea. Why AM I afraid of the dark?"
"Hell," he said. "Why am I afraid of snakes? Fears are just all in our heads...it's just fear."
Then it hit me:
Of COURSE!
"Oh my god!!" I blurted. "I'm not even stoned right now - but I think I just came to a HUGE revelation! I think I am a control freak - and THAT'S why I'm afraid of the dark and airplanes."
It made perfect sense to me.
I'm terrified of things I can't control and things I don't know anything about.
In the dark - you don't know WHAT could be hiding in there waiting to pop out.
You just have to assume the coast is clear. But you never TRUELY know.
You are kind of leaving it to fate and trusting that there is nothing "unknown" in there that could growl at you and rip you apart with a pair of Willistead Manor gardening shears.
Same deal with airplanes.
How many tonnes do airplanes weight?
Made of metal and steel...yet...um...they FUCKING FLOAT?!?!?!!?!?!?
That ain't technology people - that's fucking MAGIC and I don't trust anything that isn't a bird, yet can still fly 40 thousand feet with wings that don't even fucking flap.
And - I haven't slept in the dark - ALONE since I was 12 years old.
If someone's not with me - the light stays on ALL night.
Part of life.
And in reality - it's probably because I am just terrified of being in a climate where I am completely OUT OF CONTROL.
In a plane - you just have to kind of TRUST that it won't crash, that the pilot KNOWS what he is doing.
Whatever - it's irrational, but really - it's the same logic as to why I am afraid of the dark.
I'm afraid of being rendered helpless.
Hot DAMN, I thought to myself. I think YOU just found the ROOT of your phobia!!! You're just a control freak!!!
I was about to spew all of this out to Life Partner, when all of a sudden - he JUMPED BACK and AWAY from the Willistead Park fence.
Cause and effect: I too, jumped.
"JesusfuckingCHRIST!!" I yelled, startled. "WHAT?!?!?!"
"I don't know," he said. "I heard something. Over there just by the fence..."
You know how you immediately get "annoyed-pissed" when someone startles you?
That's how I felt...
"Fuck, you scared the shit out of me...it was probably a fucking rabbit...."
That's when I heard it too...
"Hoooooo-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
LOUD.
And NOT from over the fence. It was from DIRECTLY over our HEADS.
"FUCK!!" I yelled, and we both ducked, and ran forward - our animal instincts taking over.
I havent ran since I was kicked off my grade 8 track team.
Then, we heard it again, louder - in the tree we were running towards:
"WweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!"
We stopped dead in our tracks.
"There's one there too," I said, panic setting in.
I had visions of GIANT owls with talons the size of pitchforks swooping down and plucking my eyes out - leaving me in darkness...forever.
LIfe Partner was silent - so I knew he too was probably about as frightened as poor Dorothy Gale when the Wicked Witch turned the hour glass over, saying "that's how long you have to be alive."
"I'm frightened Auntie Em!! I'm FRIGHTENED!" I wanted to scream at the sky, but I was too pulverized by fear to do so.
We stopped dead in our tracks and began running the OTHER way - the way which we originally came from.
And we heard something else:
"Tick-tsk-tsk-tsk-tiikkka-tikkkka-tikkkkkkkkkkkkk-aaahhhh!"
From yet ANOTHER tree...
"Oh fuck!!"
Both of us darted out into the street running, until we put enough distance between ourselves and the dreadful hell-on-earth Willistead Park.
We remained on the road for the rest of our walk home.
"What do you think it was?" LIfe Partner asked.
"Fuck...do you think it was a bat?" I asked.
"Possibly."
I had to pee.
"What was it you were gonna say though, some big revelation about fear?" He asked me...
"Oh," I stumbled. "Don't even worry about it."

Me was happy to be home that night.

hearts and farts,
Dan

"Oh make me over...."

I remember, back in my salad days, the joy I derived from a simple bottle of bleach and some hair dye.
From platinum bleach blond to dark navy blue - my head has seen a rainbow of colour passing through my locks with the ease of a Beauty Mate hair brush.
I've had a shaved head, the "spikey messy look", the fucking "clooney cut" back when it was in - even the preppy look with sideburns shaved off, parted on the side.
I've graduated to the no-maintenance "floppy" look.
My hair is getting LONG and I think it's time I treated myself to a makeover.
I wanna buy fun summer clothes, get a fun summer tan and do something CHOPPY with my hair.
Something that'll let me put some product in it...
Something I can play with....
something that's fun for going out, and something appropriate - but still head-turning - for work...
any suggestions?

HELP! I'm fashionably challenged....

Mike, Paul, Anna and Life Partner....

I need some ideas...

Become my style-team and make my ass OVER!

hearts and farts,

Dan

The Government Needs to Butt Out.

Howdy hoes brothers and sisters,
The Avalon show went SOOOO great on Thursday!!
I wanna thank my personal gee-tar strummin' cowboy Jeffy D for playing some clippity cloppin' cowboy chords while I did some poetry-recitin'.
We wore cowboy hats - the rest of the cast was in CRAZY cool cowboy attire...bales of hay scattered across the bar...Spaghetti Wrestling, make-out-games, sexually explicit videos, line-dancing...it was a fucking blast!
On a more debbie-downer note...an interesting incident occured early on in the night.
Two cops walked into the bar.
It was still daylight.
The walked up and down the aisles, staring at everyone.
Stopping at certain tables.
Asking people to move their purses so they could see under them.
Looking UNDER people's chairs.
KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING BACK DRESSING ROOM DOOR WHERE THE TITILLATION AND SLEAZE GIRLS WERE FUCKING CHANGING and asking if they could "check it out".
What were they looking for?
Cigarettes.
"Can you believe THIS is starting to happen? Cops have to come in to the fucking AVALON on a thursday night to observe and check out the dressing rooms, while we're trying to put on a fucking performance?" I asked my table..
"Starting to happen?" Jeff replied.
"This started a long, long time ago."

The government will lose a bit of money on cigarette tax because people WILL probably cut down on smoking now that it is illegal to smoke anywhere.
Which, in theory - is a good thing.
But they will be implementing a 5000 dollar fine to make up for what they lose in cigarette sales given to anyone caught smoking under so much as a fucking canopy in the rain.
They use the guise of "We're so concerned about your health," and then they pay for their anti-smoking ads with the citizen's cigarette money.
I don't smoke, personally.
And I must say - I DO agree with taking smoking out of bars and public buildings.
But fuck - don't feed us bullshit about how you are "concerned" with our health and are doing this for "our good".
If you were TRUELY fucking concerned - and if you REALLY couldn't stand to see us smoke our lives away in a cancer-and-stroke-filled cloud of nicotine, you'd take cigarettes OFF THE FUCKING MARKET and cut your losses.
But - apparently - making money off people getting cancer is TOTALLY okay.
Just heaven forbid you smoke them anywhere public or they'll soak you for another five grand.
Fuckers.
If I had ONE WISH right now - it would be that EVERY SINGLE SMOKER in Canada would QUIT - COLD TURKEY.
That would be the ultimate FUCK YOU to the government.
"Okay, since they're so bad, we won't BUY any from you ANY MORE."
I bet we'd see fucking marketing campaigns for ciggies, then.
I don't think the system can FUNCTION without smokers.
It's a fucking goldmine.
Either make it illegal - or fuck off, for real.

"Don't smoke, it's bad for you. But if you pay 10 bucks for a pack - I'll take a cut and you can smoke."

"We are concerned about your health."

FUCK OFF.

But hell.
I guess this is just one more way they have us on a leash.
Everyone gets hooked on a drug THEY preach has horrific health effects, yet they continue to make money off us - SELLING IT TO US - and then they tell us EXACTLY where and WHEN we can smoke these PERFECTLY LEGAL pieces of product we can buy in ANY store - and if we don't follow in line with what DADDY-KNOWS-BEST says - we have to pay them five thousand dollars.
Umm....
WHAT!?
IS!
GOING!!
ON!!
HERE?!?!?!!?!?

Buy your ciggies from a reserve, for real.

SUMMER MUSIC!!!

Tis the season brothers and sisters,
June bugs are birthing by streetlights, stars with wings are out in full force and the summer solstice is so close I'm almost blinded by it.
Summer.
Whenever summer rolls it's hazy days around these here parts, I like to do a bit of a make over on my CD collection, much like many do a little re-working of their wardrobe for the warmer weather.
I logged onto my FAVORITE site on the net - www.cdbaby.com !!!
I then purused for about 2 hours thousands upon THOUSANDS of glorious albums to choose from, and finally after MUCH thought, debate and sampling - I narrowed it down to 5 careful purchases...

5. Kat Maxwell - One Day

Picture dreamy southern blues with a twang straight out of summerland. Glorious, passive aggressive and beautiful. Untouched non-pretetious indie rock the way it was MEANT to sound. This chick is GOING places.

4 - The High Water Marks - Songs About the Ocean

You know the trippy pscychedelic pot-drenched GLORY of the Elephant 6 band Apples in Stereo? You know the COOL chick vocalist from Apples in Stereo? Hilarie Sydney?
Like her? If you do - you'll LOVE The High Water Marks because this album is HER on lead vocals, along with the guy from Norway band Palermo. Sweet, melodic and VERY high energy...the songs are introspective and sound effortless...take what you LOVE about the Apples in Stereo, strip it down and enhance the goods - that's what this record sounds like...

3. Ramona Silver - Death By Candy

Do you like short sweet powerful SMART indie pop? The songs on this HIDDEN gem are trippy, fuzzy, WEIRD and SOOO fucking cool - the SECOND you hear track 1 really KICK IN - you'll know IMMEDIATELY - this is a CD you are going to keep in the cd player on repeat for a very VERY long time. This is my first purchase for a Ramona Silver disc - and I will DEFINETELY be buying more.

2. Miss Mary - Ready 2 Pop!

I fell in love with Miss Mary 4 years ago when I heard her too-short cd "Hey Blue!" which was a collection of Nancy Sinatra-soundin', Liz Phair influenced surf guitar 60's-esque go-go songs. She used to play in another great band called the Oscillators. Her newest album (which I was VERY excited to see available for purchase, but sad that I missed it in 2005) is the same sound - kicked up a notch. The low-fi glory is still there - but the music is richer, the production is SPOT ON, Beach Boys style - this album sounds like a soundtrack to an afternoon in a garden, sipping purple margarita's. Fans of Dressy Bessy will dig this one.

1. Baby Grand - Spectrum

Stop the press. I just found myself a new favorite band! This one came out in 2002 - it's their debut and it is the closest thing to driving in a convertible with the top down on a summer day as you can get without leaving the comfort of your favorite music-listenin' spot. Everything from the Bangles, the Go-Go's, Ronnie Spector and the Crystals...this album is a masterpiece. Perfect for getting in the summer-mood...made me wanna pick up a surf board - or a guitar. I still can't decide. The one thing I do know - this album is SUMMERLICIOUS!!!

*Each one of these records is available at www.cdbaby.com - and they are all VERY cheap and VERy worth it - but browse for yourself.

It's a kick ass, easy to use site, your order will arrive LITERALLy within a day or two of ordering and you'll support TRUELY independent artists making the noises THEY wanna make.

hearts and farts,

Danny

My New Side-Blog

In this day and age, while we race across the vast and infinite techni-coloured information super-highway the little ones call "The Internets", one blog just don't seem to be ENOUGh anymore.
Everyone in the blogging community has multiple blogs, specializing in everything from glue-sniffing, dick stiffenin' and collage trippin'.
Which, is what brings me to my latest "Side-Blog":
VEGAN POETRY
This will chronicle my day to day struggle with my latest delve into not ONLY vegetarianism, but - VEGAN-ism.
Yep.
That's cutting out all dairy, egg, honey - EVERYTHING remotely animal related from my diet.
So far - I've been successful at it, since Sunday.
And - I'm not making any promises.
I don't think a 100% Vegan diet is completely realistic for someone with sporadic and unpredictable eating patterns like me...but I'm gonna give it a SHOT - just for fun.
So check me out - day by day - and my struggles with being a wannabe-vegan.

You'll find a link to it in the sidebar as well...

And - this blog will stay COMPLETELY the same - MINUS ALL animal activism.
not that my new blog will be filled with pictures of mutilated farm animals juxtaposed with hamburgers and hot dogs....but - you won't hear ANY more animal bru-hah-hah on this blog...
But I still encourage you to check out my new blog...
VEGAN POETRY
Everything from recipes to meal plans to vegan substitutes to supplements and product reviews.

Also - I started a my space account for girlie so groovie.
If you have one - link up with me.
www.myspace.com/girlbandsrock

Hearts and farts bros and sissies,

Daniel

Coming Soon...

Howdy folks...the big night is fast approaching.
Thursday marks yet another installation of the Titillation and SLeaze Artist Collective doing our thing at the Avalon...
the Hoedown Throwdown.
This THursday at 9pm - 5 bucks to get in and GET THERE FAST because these events LITERALLY sell out as SOON as doors are open.
It's insane.

I am doing something a little different this time...

I wrote two poems:
"Why Everyone LOOOOVES a Cowgirl" and "Getting Fucked Out West" - which I will post AFTER I perform them Thursday night.
But this time, rather than just go up there with my paper and recite what I wrote...I am going to have my cowboy guitar bangin' friend Jeffy D play some trippy guitar chords in time to the rhythm of my poem.
Almost a song, but not quite.
We practiced tonight - and I must say - I am blown away by the complimentary way his GENIUS guitar improve and my poem intertwine with each other.
I'm very excited.
I'll be wearing a cowboy hat, and some boots - so if you are thinking about staying in and watching tellie on Thursday night - think-a-gain!
Head out to the Avalon for A hoe-in', throwin' good time.
For real.

hearts and farts,

Daniel

Tales from the Argyle Garden Salon...

Happy weekending, brothers and sisters.
Today was my first REAL weekend off in 22 days.
I keep telling EVERYONE that so they can say "Wow! Oh my god!! That's insane!"
I love attention.
I just can't HELP myself.
Anyway, the weather could NOT have been any better even if it was served to me on a silver platter with a glass of wine by a shirtless fire-fighter.
It was THAT gorgeous. It was absolutely PERFECT.
Yesterday, Life Partner and I decided to make some MAJOR changes to the backyard.
Starting with our NUMBER ONE source of yuck-yuck: Whitney.
Remember, our ugly as a pussing wart patio table that sits in the midst of our garden like a lump of dogshit on a golf green?
I should be smacked for saying that actually.
*slap slap slap* across my face.
In truth - that table brought and saw SOOO many fun times, I'll miss her dearly.
But - if you didn't fully understand WHY I named her Whitney, here's the REAL reason:

Yes. It bears an uncanny likeness to the trashed and drug riddled bathroom of the fallen pop diva, Whitney houston. But seriously, take a closer look....

Frightening, isn't it? Whitney was icky, wobbly, wax-filled, cigarette burned, pretty much USED-UP in general - yet at the same time...something about poor Whitney will always tug at one of my most VERY secret and hidden heart strings..
I have to say, Whitney WILL be missed greatly.
As will our old patio table.

RIP WHITNEY.
April 2003 - June 2006
"Life is a Highway."

But, as "they" say - out with the old, in with the new - and Life Partner and I had a plan to make our backyard the smashing and dazzling backyard oasis we BOTH knew in our hearts it REALLY was....

Ladies and gentlemen...I present to thee...the brand-spankin-new piece of outdoor furniture:
(Drumroll.....)

Whatcha think? Glass top - steel/iron frames, metallic mesh seating for EXTRA-comfort and a nice neutral stone colour to match the patio. Personally - I am DAZZLED. Not only is it as comfortable if not MORE comfortable than Whitney - Life Partner and I both believe it raises the bar on our backyard just a wee bit.

Which brings me to our next mission. The backyard garden. Green thumbs Life Partner and I are not. Which is why we called in two of our favorite garden experts - the infamous Julie and Life Partner's mom Elodie!! My mother-in-common-law :) hee hee...
So...we trimmed....we weed-whacked...we pruned...we snipped...we snapped...we pulled...we dug...we sawed and yes, we EVEN HAMMERED a root out of the ground in order to re-position one of our patio stones.
In short people - we worked like BITCHES in HELL.
But - the end result was nothing but WORTH IT...

Glorious Greens,

Perfect Pinks,

Beautiful Blues

Ravishing Reds

Leaves, petals, flowers, bushes,

shrubs, vines, vegetation and

living, breathing,

HEALTHY plants as far

as the eye can see.

OUR GARDEN IS LOOKIN DANG GOOD!!!!

So there you have it. I hate to brag about it - but the fact that everyone put SOO much work into it - it was just awesome...it's hard NOT to brag and be proud of it. This is my favorite place to hang out in the WORLD, seriously - especially around this time of year when the weather is so incredible.
Anyway, after we finished breaking our backs, Anna came over to do haircuts and we cracked open a pizza.... (veggie half on the right).

And then Anna and I cracked open the Strawberry wine....

And then....we cracked a little MORE Straweberry wine...

And...a little bit more....

And...even more....

And then...
TAA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH:

Anna's AMAZINGLY talented pool of hair-dressing genius kicked in and I was automatically transformed into a Hair-tastic, bee-hivin', hair-jivin', bouffant-kinda-guy!!!

Yes, I am blessed with big, bodacious, boisterous hair.

I immediately began striking poses and putting my entire SOUL into the finest Tina Turner impressions my gullet could muster while Anna worked magic on my head with a pair of sharp-as-razor garden shears.

It was a thing of beauty.

Thank God we had a camera on hand to polarize the moment...for eternity.
Edward Scissorhands

should be VERY afraid.

"Do ya still think I'm prettttty...?"

Well do ya, PUNK!?!?!?!?!?!!Anyway - if you have not yet had the JOY of having Anna work your head of hair over - you are MISSING OUT. Not only does she do bouffant hair-styles that would make the B-52's salivate with jealousy - but she can do a damn nifty cut and work nothing short of a MIRACLE when it comes to colour. Anna will one day be a superstar in the world of beauty - so get yer head chopped by Anna NOW before she is just TOO hot a commodity! Golden Razor in Tecumseh Mall - you'll hear ALL about Miss Anna on the Morning Drive from Mike Kakuk - each weekday between 7 - 9 on AM 800.

After that - it got dark and the ghosts came out...

Not really ghosts.
Just another installation of "trippy candle pictures".

Actually - I started to not really feel that well near the end of the night...it wasn't that it was too much wine, that would be COMPLETELY normal.
I felt chilly, cold, tired, exhausted and just used up. Kinda like poor Whitney.
It was a great night though...sitting out in our freshly trimmed garden at our brand new HUGE new table. It felt strange...leaving the table and NOT feeling dirty. Interesting concept.

Regardless...what was ONCE my favorite place in the world - is now even BETTER.
Hopefully - everyone reading this will be able to stop by and have a drinkie in it with me this summer, the best time of year ever.

Ain't it the truth?

(that's my "brooding rock-star David-Bowie-eye and it's NOT photo-shoped that's my REAL eye-pic")

Hearts and farts,

Daniel.

Credit Rating

Howdy folks..
The other day, I decided to go online at Equifax.ca and get a copy of my credit rating, just for the fun of it.
WOW. Did that ever sound geeky.
Jesus.
"Just for the 'fun' of it"??!??!
Fuck, I am getting old.
Anyway, yeah - the odd time in the past I have made a late payment...but that was years ago.
So - you can imagine my SHOCK when I discovered I had a FICO score (this is the "score" that lenders, creditors, car-sales, furniture sales, banks look at when deciding to give you a loan) of 594 OUT of 900!!!!!
The spectrum rangers from 300 - 900, with the lowest numbers being BAD.
So yeah..I mean, I thought MAYBE I'd have an 850 - 800 or 750 at the VERY worst...
But 594!???!??!?!
My report bitched this lovely line at me:
"Your score is well below the average score of Canadian consumers."
"Well-below?!?!?!"
What. The. Fuck?
So - it broke it all down for me - with my credit history - stating EXACTLY WHY my credit score was so fucking shit.
They give a list of priorities of what is hurting you the most, so I was VERY eager to see...
First on the list:
Fucking SEARS.
SEARS.
This account - as it states CLEARLY on my fucking credit report - was LAST ACTIVE in June of 2002!!!!!!!
Four fucking YEARS ago.
Yeah - I admit - I DID miss a few payments on that stupid fucking card - it was sheer absent mindedness on my part - not an excuse I know - but - I also paid the whole fucking thing OFF in one lump FOUR YEARS AGO.
Why is this the NUMBER ONE thing hurting my credit?!?!?
So I moved on down the list....
Next thing to hurt me the most:
Bank of Montreal VISA.
Last active: April 2003.
Account balance: Balance paid in FULL and CLOSED at consumer request.
How is it - the two accounts that are hurting my credit score the most - are the two that were PAID IN FULL more than 3 fucking YEARS ago????
The next on my list is my current credit card - which has one missed payment (again - pure laziness...but come on...it's only one. AFter that - i have NOTHING at all.)
So LITERALLY....3 or 4 years ago when i bought this house w/ Life Partner - and made it a POINT to CLEAR OFF ALL DEBT on credit cards - is what is hurting me now.
And get this:
they stay on there for 6 fucking YEARS!
Like - that's as long as bankruptcy stays on your credit report.
For real.
Now I don't know much about the credit approval process...but what if I wanted to buy a car or a big piece of furniture?
Am I basically frozen from doing so for the next few years, until my 6 years is up?
Even though those accounts were paid and CLOSED at my request?
It just does NOT strike me as fair.
I own my own fucking car! I own a fucking HOUSE!
I've missed ONE payment on my current credit card and the ones I did fuck with back when I was younger have been paid off 3 or 4 years ago.
That's just ridiculous.
And TOTALLY unexpected.
I can't even BELIEVE I have bad credit.
I am calling equifax today to ask about this - and how it will affect me as a consumer today - if lenders will take into consideration that the most harmful things on my report have been case-closed for so long...
But you would THINK - fine if they have to keep a record that I missed all those payments back in the day - no problem...
But shouldn't my credit rating be a BIT higher, since at the very least, all my current bills are up to date and paid in full?
Fuck.
Whatever.
What a slap in the face.
I'm VERY interested in this though - I find it fascinating - any record of a person that is kept somewhere (online no less) that holds information about your consumer history.
Too bad they still have me down as working at Jumbo Video...maybe that's proof that this thing isn't as up to date as it seems.
Anyway, I'm gonna give them a ring and ask them some questions to see what's up...

What a shitey start to a Saturday...

I have poor credit.
*sniff, sniff, sniff*

Hearts and poorhouses,

Dan

Perverted Justice

I was watching dateline last night, after our usual ritual of Top Model at Heather's house - and it was one of our guiltiest pleasures EVER: Perverted Justice.
This is where dateline goes undercover, in Florida - and poses as a young teen (13 - 15 years old) and gets involved with explicit sexual chat with older men.
They get to the point where they bring the older men to their "house" with the intent that they are going to fuck - at which point fucking Dateline's Chris Hansen pops out with some smug one-liner, deflating the older man's boner by telling them they are on Dateline.
Now - while I 100% agree with what Dateline is doing, catching older men who want to have sex with young girls or boys - I don't know how ethical it is to put it on television.
Yeah, they want to make an example to everyone else, I understand that.
But.
The smugness, the sheer ENJOYMENT Chris Hansen gets out of telling these men they've just been busted is almost embarassing.
Again, I'm in no way condoning what these men are doing. I think they probably need help and in some cases - probably DO need to go to jail for molestation.
For the record - when I was a 15 year old horny gay boy, had I had access to internet - I am SURE I would have invited over a 20 year old guy for some under-age rumpy bumpy...but, whatever.
I'm not getting into that.
It was the smug attitude of "gotcha" and "gonna exploitcha" that I found EXTREMELY grating.
Worse yet - Chris Hansen, after lecturing the men on how awful they are (perhaps rightfully so) he says: "You are now free to leave."
The men leave, at which point a SWAT team pops out - sometimes in FULL camoflauge GEAR - and TACKLE the man to the ground, before he realizes what's even going on.
It was as if he was a sniper, holding up in that house and he finally came out, bearing arms.
It's SO obviously put-on because they know the cameras are on, it's pathetic.
And i can't get over the smirk, smug attitude of Chris Hansen. Making little "puns" on the explicit and nasty things these guys were going to do.
"This is one SICKO that won't be doing any more internet chatting..."
"We certainly caught THIS pervert in the act..."
"Too bad the pervert-chasing lawyers were too late. Awww...so sad."
There are countless more quotes like this on the website perverted-justice.com
Like - yeah - good for you.
BUt guess what? You just caught a guy who PROBABLY is in need of some MAJOR counselling.
I'm not sympathetic to the act they were going to commit - but I am sympathetic when i see someone who MIGHT (probably) have some mental issues - doing something that MIGHT not have been in their right mind - being, frankly - made fun of.
some of these guys weren't all there. That was obvious.
Some probably had mental disorders - perhaps even mental handicapps.
Not all - but some, for sure.
"Another PERVERT down!", said with a smug grin.
Hmmm.
Perverted justice.
You know what I find PERVERTED?
A 15 year old TEENAGED BOY who was convicted of arson and tried as an adult and put into a cell with a 33 year old RAPIST because the teen was a "bad ass".
He was then raped, repeatedly by this 33 year old man.
A 15 year old boy.
RAPED.
Not consentual.
He was put in a fucking CELL with this 33 year old man.
Of course - the man now has 8 counts of sexual battery against him - but it went on for a VERY long time - and apparently whoever was in charge of putting him in there is in trouble because he was put in there to prove a point: "You think you're a bad-ass...we'll see how smart you are."
So - his punishment for arson and being a bad ass punk - is being raped by a 33 year old man - repeatedly and VIOLENTLY.
A 15 year old boy.
Most of the guys who were arrested by SWAT teams were chatting with 15 year old boys - who at the time - they thought were consenting.
DOesn't make it right...but - what the fuck, for real?
Where is Chris Hansen's smug little one-liners for the people who thought it would teach that 15 year old kid a lesson by putting him with an older guy who would rape the living FUCK out of him?
Is THAT perverted justice? Cuz it sounds pretty fucking PERVERTED and corrupt to me.
It sounds like a big fucking contradiction.
what's that saying, really?
Rape is a justifiable punishment if you're being a bad ass?
if you're a punk?
It'll teach you a lesson?
Sounds like I've heard all of this somewhere before.
Funny - it all took place in Florida as well.
So, probably at the same time that Chris Hansen and his little dateline posse of "pervert busters" was lecturing some dude for getting nasty in gay.com with a dirty-talking fake 15 year old boy - another 15 year old boy who probably had a ROUGH fucking life was getting RAPED repeatedly under the roof of the Escambia County Jail in Pensicola Florida - most likely just down the road.
You know - truth be told - I don't know the ins and outs of the law or how all that works - or if this would even ever happen in Canada...but - I think my only REAL point here is - Chris Hansen needs to wipe that SMUG smile of his face.
I don't see what's so pun-worthy and smirky-funny about a guy taking advantage of a kid.
Bad fucking journalism.

just my commentary :)

Danny

Ain't Nothing BADDER than Lilly Kazzilly's

I now want to take some of the negative energy I've been bottling up inside of me and direct towards a VERY deserving recipient:
Lilly Kazzilly's .
This was where the retirement party for the FABULOUS Mrs. Badder was held.
Now - I have gone to a party here before for my aunt corrine.
It's a fairly decent sized room - never enough tables to seat everyone - and the staff made NO effort to pull in more tables or even CHAIRS for that matter despite the fact that the entire rest of the restaurant was empty, but whatever.
The food came out and was okay.
Nacho bar, mini quiche with dead pig meat, fruit platter, deep fried fractured wings of a dead chicklet and mushrooms stuffed with a ground up crab cadaver.
Also bruschetta.
THe food smelled pretty good - the cake was amazing.
The service - SUCKED ASS.
Hard.
Myself, Karmen and Nicole (also known as "my grade 12 prom date") sat together and were immediately approached by a waitress.
We ordered 3 pints of beer and out it came.
I made sure to tip the server TWO dollars.
That's usually what I tip a server for bringing me a drink. I figure, 4 or 5 drinks an hour - that's 8 - 10 dollars an hour - JUST from me alone.
So - cut to 1/2 hour later....
Our pints - empty.
The waitress - nowhere to be seen.
But whatever, the food was out, she was probably just busy.
So we ate.
Twice.
Had cake.
Had fruit.
Still had our empty glasses.
The waitress kept walking by and we did the whole "look around and half wave at her" kinda thing, hoping to politely get her attention.
So help me she made it a point to NOT make eye contact.
I was getting annoyed, as were Nicole and Karm - but whatever.
Maybe she was just busy.
Right?
Cut to another 1/2 hour later.
Yep. Still playing with our empty beer glasses - servers no where in sight.
Karmen finally took the assertive approach and decided to just leave the party room and venture out into the empty restaurant and go to the bar.
No big deal, right?
So - she orders 3 pints, while about 5 servers sat around near the bar doing fuck all.
I'm going to write what I THINK went down, since I wasn't actually there...
She stared at the 3 pints for a moment and said "Well..i guess I'll come back for the third pint.."
since she couldn't carry 3.
At which point, a server offered to follow her back with the third.
Very kind of her.
Cut to a half hour later.
Us - empty glasses. A server no where to be found.
We decide that maybe - since the party is over - we should just move out into the regular restaurant where all the servers are.
So we make our way out to the patio - where most of the servers seemed to be.
We asked one of them if we could take a seat. She said sure and motioned to a table.
So we sat.
Cut to 45 minutes later.
No beer. Not so much as a fart in our direction from ANY one of the servers.
So, we decided to just fuck off.
As we were leaving, I stopped to talk to the hostess.
"Hey.." I smiled. "I'm not blaming you at all - but I just thought I should let you know - we sat on the patio for ABOUT 45 minutes and no one came to us at all. We didn't get drinks - nothing."
"You didn't ?" she asked.
"No. No one came by so we're leaving now."
"Sorry."
Yeah.
Lilly Kazzilly's : Don't fucking bother. Seemed like a nice place but I think it has a crab leg shoved too far up it's tight ass to realize that their service made fucking Waitress Hell Margarita's look like the fucking KEG.
TWO THUMBS DOWN to Lilly Kazzilly's.
Here's where I rant and do a REVERSE-ENDORSEMENT.
Don't GO TO Lilly Kazzilly's.
Don't have a party at Lilly Kazzilly's.
Lilly Kazzilly's SUCKS.
BOO to Lilly Kazzilly's.

PS - if ANYONe on this list knows or is related to the owners of Lilly Kazzilly's - I humbly apologize. But, that doesn't make up for the SHITe service we received.
Oh wait...it wasn't shite - because for it to be considered as "Shite" - we'd have to at least RECEIVE some kind of service.

But...not the end of the world, right? Life goes on, regardless of the hardships we endured today on the patio by the river at Lilly Kazzilly's (yuck).
I pray that we'll recover, unscarred.
*Sniffle*
Poor us.

Dan

Ain't No One Better Than Badder

Went to ANOTHER retirement party today.
This time - for my OAC writer's craft teacher - Mrs. Badder.
She was FANTASTIC. Amazing teacher.
Up until her class - I always wrote stuff - but only for myself.
When I finally submitted something to her - she told me that I had a "talent".
That was weird.
Hearing someone say that.
It sounds dumb, but honestly - I had NEVER really been told I was good at anything before.
For real.
I always tried SO hard to be good at the wrong things.
Sports. Failed many times.
Math.
History.
Being straight.
Failures, all of them.
Writing was just what I did.
So when she told me that day - after I submitted a story to her about stealing a porno mag back when i was 8 years old....I'll never forget it.
She pulled everyone aside, and asked us what grade we THOUGHT she gave us...
"I don't know...a C..." I mumbled.
She looked at me with a REALLy strange look in her eye and said:
"No...I gave you an A+. Dan MacDonald - you're talented."
Seriously - I know retrospect is beautiful thing - but at that SECOND something in me went *CLICK* and I was like "OF COURSE!!! I want to WRITE!!!!!"
Good shit or bad shit. I just wanted to write.
I remember thinking back in highschool how writing something I could FINALLY allow myself to be proud of felt like BREATHING. Like a big *SIGH* - like letting something out....
Like: "Aaaaaaahhhhhh.....yeah."
On the last day of class, back in 1996 (good GOD) I slashed the last T on my exam, handed it in and headed out the door down the hall, ready to have the halls of highschool kiss my sweet white ASS - and then I heard something behind me.
It was Mrs. Badder and she followed me out.
She stopped me in the hallway and said words I will NEVER forget:
"I just want to say one thing to you before you leave," she began. "I think YOU are a CRAZY MAD person - and you have NO CLUE yet what you have. But you HAVE to KEEP WRITING - no matter what. Don't EVER stop. Because you are Crazy Mad."
And I never stopped since, I'm proud to say.
And while I still understand a BIT more what she meant when she said those words to me - there's still a part of me that DOESN'T.
So I don't plan on stopping. EVER.
Happy retirement Mrs. Badder.
You deserve it, because you rock.

My Favorite Place in the ENTIRE world...

Morning, brothers and sisters...

The best part of our house, in my opinion - is our backyard.
It was all pre-landscaped before we bought the place - and I have to admit, I was more than a little daunted by the EXTREMELY intimidating backyard at first...but this year, we put more work into it than EVER before and I THINK I am feeling something that MIGHT resemble "backyard pride" whenever I take a peek at our garden - which changes EVERY year I might add.

No don't get me wrong. I can name MAYBE 3 different types of plants out of about 400 (well, maybe 30 or so) - but each one has it's own likes and dislikes and I do know those pretty well.
Truth be told - many a high maintenance plant have gone to the big ole zen garden in the sky - but darwin FINALLY rules out and it appears the bottom line is survival of the fittest in the backyard of 1220 Argyle.

Okay. Our pond is a TAD too green - but hey - it's chemical free! Bonus! No - in all honestly - this is one aspect of our yard we have NOT yet mastered.
The pond.
We are however - working on it.
The trick is to keep the water moving - which at the same time, creates a VERY relaxing trickling sound - which they say is good for the psyche.
We did have a fountain last year - and our pond was looking pretty good. Alas, the fountain and filter copped out on us, which is why our pond resembles a stagnant pond.
That being said - sure the water MIGHT be green - but hey - it's not a swimming pool!! And - the algae - I think - fits our garden and sorta matches the japanense maple (which you can see a corner of here in the top left corner of that pic.
The little rusted froggy is something I bought when we first got the place.
I believe, for the most part, he's happy.

Behind our backyard is an alley - so that is sealed off with a nice privacy fence, which is great. Just before you get to the back privacy fence gate - we have an arch.
This is a picture of the arch. When we were trimming our garden back a week or so ago - I was debating REALLY going to town on this arch way, because the 'arch' wasn't really all that visible since there was so much growth over it.
I decided to leave it, since I kind of always prefer the WILD grown-over look...
Thank god we left it - because the very next day - those big PURPLE flowers you see started climbing up the arch. The TOTALLY added so much to the backyard - and when the sun is shining on them, they for real look like they are glowing...
The other half of the arch did NOT sprout purple flowers, but little tiny, white star-shaped flowers popped up all over the place! It's extremely cute.
The arch way gives the backyard a magic-kinda feel.
Don't ask.

Which brings me to the ugly duckling of the backyard - "Whitney".
I recently named our beloved patio furniture "whitney" because it looks QUITE similiar to Whitney Houston's drug bathroom.
There is a perpetual clutter of beer bottles and melted candles on the table, cigarette butts, half burned joints - you name it.
And yeah. It's plastic.
"Gasp!" a friend once gasped. "How DARE you put PLASTIC in that beautiful backyard!!!"
I know, I know.
But so help me god - what this cheap plastic patio set lacks in the looks department - it makes up for in comfort.
If you could count the good times had at this table - we'd be talking somewhere in the infinity range.
For real.
We ARE going to be replacing it this year most likely...which is sad, but I do think it is time to move on.
And - like last time - our NUMBER ONE PRIORITY with patio furniture - is comfort.
I mean - WONDERFUL if something looks nice - but if it gives you a sore ass when you sit on it - how the FUCK are you supposed to enjoy your yard, right?
So - that's my backyard.
My most favorite place on earth! more pics to come.

PS - my live cut-ins went FANTASTIC yesterday from Art in the Park. Today - I will be broadcasting live from Wilistead Park yet again for another 8 hours of art in the park!
Tune in to AM 800 - I'll be on once or twice every hour, rotating with this girl Lisa....
She's very coool.

And on that lovely note - time to get my radio voice in gear and get on with the day...

hearts, farts and art in the park,
Daniel

Photo BuzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZzzz

I took a few pics last night, I kinda like how they turned out.....I stuck some petals from these HUGE pink flowers that grow in our backyard onto a candle - and these were the results...

Yeah...maybe the whole candles/flowers thing is a little bit 1994 "ooh I'm a hippy and I listen to Blind Melon and Nirvana and 4 Non Blondes to show my soft-side".

But whatever. I'm a hippy and I listened to all three of those bands. Flowers and candles always remind me of that era though, I think cuz I always kept them around my room.

Yeah. Gay. At the time, I thought I was hippy-ish.

This one I snapped of the sky above my h ouse last night after 9pm. I think the leaves look kinda cool near the top of the pic, almost like they are shadowed on the clouds.

Actually - this pic scares me. It scares me because it wasn't photo-shopped AT ALL. Yeah. Those "pinkish-cotton-candy" clouds - aren't REALLY that pink. They are more of a brown. Pollution brown, and were directly over a MAJOR industrial/factory area near the river. Kind of scary...but - here's proof that even pollution has it's good points. Even while it is poisoning us, at least it has the courtesy to pose for a few nifty pics - and be somewhat photogenic at that!

Anyway, photo-frenzy this week - I have TONS more backyard pics to post VERY VERY soon...they are summer-themed too!!

Today - I will be on the radio ALL DAY LONG on AM 800 every 20 mins or so - live from Art in the Park...it should be MEGA fun...my first time going on air as my SELF on a big Windsor station.

Quite excited...

Summer is RIGHT around the corner...how exciting is that?

hearts and farts,

dan