Happy B-EARTH Day

Went to noted and notorious Windsor gay cruise-for-sex hot spot Ojibway Park today for Earth Day celebrations.
It rained.
Poetic Justice.
Mother Earth getting her revenge.
We diss her all year round since the dawn of time - and then once a year we all get together like a bunch of tofu snorting hippies to celebrate how much we love her.
No wonder she pissed on us.
Mother Nature just sticking up for her baby-girl.
"Fuck you dramatic performance artists! Fuck you dirty, littering kids and your psuedo-hippie moms with no make up! Fuck you Ojibway park conservationists. Fuck you David Sazuki. You're ALL accountable for making me sick. Piss on you. PISS ON YOU!"
Even the aboriginal friendship circle packed up their bongos and left us.

Now that's sad.

But whatever. We're the dirtiest animal on the planet. Inconsiderate. Poisonous. Damaging.
We deserve to be extinctified just like our big brothers the dinosaurs.
Then - in 600 million years from now - some even MORE polluted and so-called "advanced species" can make a fucking action-adventure film Jurrassic Park style about the horrific scenario of "what-would-happen-if-we-brought-back-humans"....

Terrifying. Imagine what it would look like:
Us as barbarians, killing animals to make sandwiches and belts, pumping toxins into the air and getting cancer, bombing cities and implementing STUPID fucking trite laws.
Idiots in FULL CONTROL of not only the COUNTRY - but the BOMBS - the Cash flow - the ENTIRE world.
That'd be a fucking horror story.
Everyone watching it saying "wow...but honestly - could you IMAGINE if there WAS a human (t-rex) alive and LOOSE in the population!!! MY GAAAWWDD!! Could you IMAGINE!!??! What would you do - SERIOUSLY - if you saw a human on the street and you were alone?? how SCARED would you be?? HOw fucking CRAZY are humans?? Oh my god...I'd be terrified, I wouldn't even want to MOVE!"
A horror scenario.
And we're living in it now.
don't get me wrong...i love life...
And i love my own stupidity about things I am utterly clueless about - which really gives me NO right to bitch about anything.

But I can.

And that's why I love life. And our lovely brownish-blue planet with ice-caps melting like bombs waiting knock us back down a few notches below sea level.

"Fuck you, humans," Mother Earth sneers as the ice up North drips...

Well guess what?

"Fuck ya right back, Mama Earth!!"

*Kiss Kiss Kiss*

Happy (Hearty and Farty) Earth Day.

Dan

Emily.

The first time i met emily, she said she knew me.
"I know you," she said..."I saw you earlier today," she was pouring from a pitcher of beer.
"It wasn't me," I replied.
I turned to my friend and asked who she was.
"She plays...you'd probably like her."
I rolled my eyes.
Five open mic songs later, Emily Carr got up on stage and sang about people who don't care about music"like they used to" and I fell head over heels in love.
Emily Carr has a voice that is lonesome and nostaligic, an undeniably heart-breaking songwriting style guaranteed to rip your pulse out when you LEAST expect it and replace it with a smoldering ember that burns for more.
Emily Carr is the reason MIX TAPES were born.
Take your most insecure feelings and put them to a handclappy, finger-plucking, bossa-nova strum - and make them dance.
Then, take a deep breath - and smile.
That's what every Emily Carr song sounds like.
Each song plays out like YOUR PERSONAL HOROSCOPE that shoulda-been.
LIke that chance you had at riding away into the sunset - but left it standing by the side of the road, five years gone by.
Emily is desperation and confidence.
A crystal cold pitcher of "shoulda-been", in a dive bar.
A best-kept-secret that could never be.
The first time I saw her - Emily Carr said she knew me.
And god dammit:
She was fuckin' right.


missing you very much,
Dan

APRIL 19...what a day..

Well...today's the day.
It's my dad's 60th birthday!!!
Last night - Life Partner and I snuck out to my parent's house after midnight and draped the front porch and lawn with ribbons and balloons :)
It looked really cool.
Tonight, we are going over there to eat and hang out and help him celebrate a BIG ONE!!
60.
Wow.
I have a sixty year old dad.
Happy Birthday Dad.
It's also the 7 year anniversary of my grandma's funeral...which always puts a bit of a bitter sweet spin on my dad's b-day...bad timing.
AND - this ALSO marks the SEVEN YEAR anniversary of the first time I EVER met the lovely and talented LIZ PHAIR! Live - in Grand rapids Michigan.
One of the coolest and most thrilling shows I have ever seen.
It was a day JUST like today too...gorgeous...smelled like spring.
I went from saying an awkward happy birthday to my dad - to carrying my grandmother's coffin and lowering it into the ground...to shaking hands with someone who I have idolized since highschool.
Yeah.
Crazy day.
But today will be MUCH better.
Last night - had a very cool evening....Julie, Danielle, Life Partner and Myself all went NORTH to Detroit and hit the State Theatre to see The Cribs / Franz Ferdinand and Death Cab for Cutie.
interesting night.
The Cribs actually floored me...I was quite pleased with their performance...and not knowing a SINGLE song by them - that says a lot.
Franz Ferdinand were of course - phenomenal. Music was tight, voices sounded great but their sound KINDA sucked...regardless...the crowd was your typical DEAD Detroit crowd.
Death Cab for Cutie....
two words:
BO-RING.
Don't get me wrong...i REALLY like Death Cab For Cutie...
"Passenger Seat" is one of my favorite songs from 2003....
I love their albums because they are so mellow and stoner-ish...and of course - the same guy is the brainchild of The Postal Service...so it was cool getting to see like...a double whammy band at a double whammy concert with Franz...
Except..
Death Cab didn't try to be mellow and trippy and stoner-ish - they instead tried to be a whiney punker 89x band.
Barf-a-rama.
they are SOOOO beyond that.
The crowd wasn't near as annoying or young as I suspected...maybe it was all the pot they smoked for Death Cab.
Too bad it was wasted on wannabe whiney emo shite.
Don't get me wrong - i'm still a fan of Death Cab - and Postal Service - but I will NOT be jumping in line to get tickets to their show anytime soon.
AND
FYI - Franz Ferdinand are not meant for a big place like the state.
They are the kind of band that is MEANT to be seen in a small venu, like Majestic or Saint Andrew's - and they would NO DOUBT have the place JUMPING.
But...i think some of the energy got lost somewhere between the main floor and the balconey seating, which is a shame, because as a band -they definetely "Brought it" last night.
But - to each his own...
hearts farts and birthday darts,

Daniel.

Gay Cabbie-Ray

Well...the gay pride fundraiser has HAPPENED. And, it went pretty well. Anna (my wonderful sister-in-common-law) took some great shots of the happenings - and I'll post them and offer my extensive first-hand knowledge of how it REALLY went down.

Of course - there's me fagging it up. Don't worry - I didn't do drag.
God - me as a drag Queen...I don't know if there could possibly be a more hideous mental image in existence.
No - this was a boa one of the titillation and sleaze collective girls gave me for our grand finale.
Of course - the Annie Lennox impersonations were unavoidable.
Me with a boa? I couldn't resist.
God bless boas.

Forever and ever.
Okay, my computer is being a little fucking "C" word (and I don't mean "Computer") and is apparently ONLY allowing me to post pictures on the LEFT side of my computer screen. Go fucking figure. So this blog will look static, but what it loses in looks it will make up for in words. This was the first drag performer of the night.
I forget her name.

It was a young kid. Cute without his make up on. Not much of a performer though.

I could have done far better with a Catholic School girl uniform and a pair of horned rim glasses, lemme tell ya..

But - bonus for getting up infront of a crowd and doing what most of us ONLY ever do in our mirrors at home. I love drag queens.

This is the lovely and talented Juliana. Others might know her as the hot as hell bartender from Phog. Sorry...my blogger is TOTALLY fucked today. Anyway - she is also one of two organizers of the Tit-illation and Sleaze artist collective...the gals who put on the burlesque shows around town. She was my way into the whole artist collective. She liked my open mic stuff at phog and asked me to join "the gals" for her shows :) YAY!! She's MEGA nice too - awesome cool intelligent talented and gorgeous. Her belly dance performance was absolutely INCREDIBLE that night...so energetic - SOOO creative - and all improv. I only WISH I could move my hips like that....WOWZA!

Drag Kings scare me because they threaten my security as a male in society. Just kidding.

Drag Kings are extremely cool and I love gender fucking.

Performance wise...a little static. I just wish they hammed it up a bit more. REALLY FUCKIN play up men and masculinity, male-ego etc.....again, it KINDA struck me as someone performing in their bedroom, as I often do.

A bit self-indulgent...just not enough MEAT to the show. No pun intended. Just someone lipsyncing...i was hoping for more cock-mock attitude - but regardless - this gorgeous person portrayed a man far better than I could ever DREAM.

Priscilla. Also goes by Anya Knees. Her and I have a history together.

A) she's the mean as shit bouncer at the Loop - who WILL not HESITATE to cuss your ass out, knock you on it - then drag you out and throw you out the door head first if you fuck with anyone at the coolest bar in town.

B) We are both the ONLY members of the Cheesecake Club who continued on. She did a little "pop-the-balloon" dance to Eartha Kitt's I Wanna Be Evil. Very funny.

She originally wanted to blow the balloons up with helium. Seeing as she was popping them with a lit cigarette - none of us thought that would be a very good idea. A compressed gas and an open flame...

Hmmmmm....

This chick rocked the FUCKIN house!!! She is actually a member of the VERY famous Suicide Girls!!! Who I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE.

An incredible dancer, an AMAZING body - and she totally served it up Chicago-style for the gays and lezzies.

She actually performed to Liza Minelli's Cabaret song...but added some original moves...very hot...and in all honesty - I HAD to say this to Heather because it was so ridiculous - she SERIOUSLY had the most PERFECT ass I have ever seen. For real.

Like - she has "Magazine model" ass...but it was REAL.

A very incredibly talented dancer. But - I'd expect nothing less from a Suicide Girl.

And that brings us to my little portion of the evening. Of course - my one "diva-request" for the entire night was - have a mic stand available for me to use so I can read my poem since I didn't have it memorized. And what happens last minute before I go on. Mic stand doesn't fit the cordless mic. Nice eh? But - it worked out EVEN BETTER!!

Nadja - the OTHER half of the Tit and Sleaze Collective - offered her services as a "Human Mic Stand".

Before I talk about me-me-me - can I just say - Nadja is one of the sexiest, hilarious, confident and RAUNCHIEST chicks I have ever met. And - insanely nice.

She's a perfect example of SEX ENERGY. She was one of the show stealers that night - probably the HOTTEST chick in the room and she worked it with an attitude most famous people only WISH they could exude. And - she did it all half-drunk, effortlessly.

Now THAT'S a hero.

She ROCKS. ROCKS. ROCKS. She told me she plans on documenting herself eating a steak with a white table cloth, fancy silverware - in a SLAUGHTER HOUSE.

Now that's COOL. She also mentioned taking a shit on stage that night - just before she introduced me - and THAT was EASILY my highlight of the night - just to see the look on everyone's face. Honestly - I am laughing right now even thinking of it. She came back after and was like "Oh my god...I THINK I was up there talking about taking a shit on the stage..."

Anyway, the piece I did was called "Life is a Mother Fucking Gay Cabaret" and it was about the Windsor gay scene and growing up in it - and how THAT BAR we were at that night was the VERY first bar I ever got drunk in, back when it was Vertigo and The Zoo.

I had references to 2 dollar drinks, the Happy Tap, Mary being a bartender, dirty sex and the downfalls of gay bar music.

It's always hard to tell when you're on the stage - you hear everything differently...i could FEEL the cheers coming up from the audience...I could hear people laughing and it felt really really BIG.

Later on - everyone told me I had ALMOST the biggest cheer of the night!! Which was really cool...it felt GREAT. I was mega nervous to perform at a gay bar, I don't know why. Especially - seeing as I wasn't wearing a costume, I wasn't taking anything off (god forbid) and I didn't have any music. I just had a little sheet of computer paper. And of course - Nadja as my flashy mic stand. And it went over SO well.

Everyone - strangers - were coming up to me afterwards telling me how incredible and "spot-on" it was about the Windsor Gay scene...it was mega fun. I'd do it again in a heart beat :)

The Titillation and Sleaze Girls also adopted me on as one of their OWN that night as well :) They said they want me to do something from now on at EVERY SINGLE show they do - including their Hoe-Down in june, which will be a cowboy themed show - which includes a Group LINE DANCE of every single member.

I love those chicks!!! They rock rock rock! I'm honoured to be a part of ANYTHING they do.

And there we are....Life Partner - Anna and Moi.

Don't we all look happy? Thanks to everyone who came...and for everyone who didn't...hopefully the pics will fill in the gaping hole that is now permanently burned into your lives.

Just kidding.

But it was a kick-ass time... for a pretty good cause.

Until Dani Bob killed it by saying: "WHere HAVE you been all these years...I haven't HAD you yet."

"Alrighty then," I said. "I think I'm about done here. Time to go home now. Thank you!"

And off we rode into the sunset, another knotch scratched deeply into the belt.

hearts and farts,

Dan

Bizzy BIzzy BEEEE-SEEE

hey peoples...
i apologize for being a reclusive you-know-what the last few weeks.
it's been kinda busy. i won another slam competion at phog last week - that was cool...
and work has been INSANELY insane.
and i've been doing TONS of writing - i just realized how much writing i actually do.
I go to work - and write.
Come home - write poems for future slam.
Go downtown - and write for Upfront Mag.
I also still keep a notebook, which I try to write in almost every day.
THere's something different about scratching thoughts out long-hand.
I don't know if the writing is better...but it's certainly more private..and that probably makes it come off as pretentious cuz lots of it is just drunk blatherings about whatever the hell i am thinking at that SECOND.
and of course - the radio show is still going strong strong strong!
Karyn Ellis is slated to appear on teh show to play April 15th and Kathy Valentine of the Go-Go's will be on the show to chat the last week of this MONTHS!!
so - some crazy shit on that end!
and...then i have this blog of course...
I write far more than i speak, which is weird.
maybe we all do.
the pride fundraiser thing is tomorrow...i wrote a cool piece for it...then completely trashed it and wrote a NEW piece (tonight) that I am going to do.
I hope it goes over well....
then - Friday is off because...of jesus.
Jesus died for our sins so we could all get a day of work.
"Thank ya JESUS!"
and then Saturday - I'm pretty BEE-SEE again.
I have to go to Devonshire Mall and hand out easter treats to kids.
Yeah.
The fucking Easter Egg-straordinary Event.
Gotta love promotions.
Which reminds me - on Friday - I am going to post a VERy fun Easter story for all you bunny-fans out there.
It's a nostalgic childhood story about me and my adventures with ole Peter Cotton Tail.
What a guy.
I apologize for my lack of creativity on the blog as of late.
my subjects have been less than impressive...i promise a revamp.
I have however, been thinking about a few things lately - one of them - is putting together a little booklet of slam poetry pieces i have performed in and around town.
call it...i dunno...
Autoslamography or something.
something better than that.
i'd love to collaborate with someone who can do GREAT photos too...or prints...namely - mister James. my favorite artist in Windsor.
he's a zine king.
i know he could help me :)
but i've been putting lots of thought into that...i notice lots of poets (mainly from the states) bring a long a little booklet zine they make up of their poems and sell them for like 5 bucks or something...and people buy them....
could be kinda cool...
just a VERy early baby i'm still nursing.
but it's on my mind...
as has - RECORDING myself.
I am EXTREMELY excited - some visual arts grad student has offered to RECORD me tomorrow night.
This opens up a MILLION doors of opportunity.
I helped her out a few weeks ago by recording a 22 verse limerick for her thesis project...
and i was thinking...i would LOVE LOVE LOVE
to make a spoken word album.
like - put my songs to words.
Computer generated beats, maybe some acoustic guitar in the background or some catchy basslines...believe it or not - i wrote a bunch of VERY catchy basslines for this math rock project I was gonna do last year (where it was JUST ME playing catchy basslines and counting different combos of numbers - i still wanna do that and have Faust do an old-school counting video) but...i could put some of those dancebeat basslines into a catchy song and just slam out to them and mix them on the fucking professional sound board and pro-tools i am currently learning (and have full access to) at work!!
The thoughts are buzzing people....there's still a heartbeat and activity...even though this blog isn't a good testament of it...trust me...i'll come back very very soon...

hearts and farts and jello shots...
hope to see you all at the wellington tomorrow...
and paul...
i apologize for missing you.
i really really REALLY do.
:(

dan

My Big Fat Gay Poetry Reading

Hey peoples, ladies, gentlemens and un-gentlemens...
Next Thursday (april 13) I'll be performing at the gay pride fundraiser. My name is even on the poster, which is sorta cool!!
It's called "Life is a Cabaret" (not very original, I know) and it is going to be my first time EVER reading poetry at a gay bar!!
I'm quite excited :)
if you click on the poster - it will open it in another window and you can read allt he specifics. The print might be too small on this blog.
anyway, the show starts at 9 and it's gonna move pretty quick...I'm second up.
The Titillation and Sleaze collective are gonna perform first - these are the chicks who always ask me to read at their events - I did their XXXMas Cabaret at Phog and their last Spring in the Seed-Y City show at Avalon - but this is my first time performing WITH THEM but not as a part of their immediate collective, which is fun.
AFter me - there are DRAG KING performers!!
I only saw a drag king show once - they actually opened for the band The Murmurs (of which Leisha Hailey of "THE L WORD" is a member of - that night she ruffled my hair and gave me a hug...awwww...) so I am MEGA excited to see a drag show.
It has such a different vibe than Drag Queen shows.
Drag QUeen shows are so fabulous - and HIGHLIGHT and EXAGERRATE the whole "diva" thing..it is like...aspects of women we attribute to defining feminine - and kicked up FIFTEEN THOUSAND notches.
With Drag Kings - it's the other way around.
What makes a man? What attributes stand out?
It's frightening - seriously - and a mind fuck to see a Drag King show.
In a GREAT way.
THEN - after that - DRAG QUEENS!!!!!
Or maybe it's the other way around...Drag Queens following me - and then Drag Kings.
Regardless - they are supposed to be REALLY REALLY good ones - from out of the city, I think from somewhere in Michigan..not sure though.
Then there is dancing after that - at which point I'll take off.
But - it's the day before Good Friday, so hopefully no one will have to work the next day and you guys can come out :)
it'd be Grrrrrrrrrreat - and all the money at the door goes to the Pride Committee - so it's for a totally good cause.
at any rate - hope to see yaz there :)
hearts and farts,

dan

At One's Whit's End

Okay, I was never fond of the whole "I'm a bling-blingin' diva bitch, I'm spoiled rotten-rich and I get what I want cuz i AM Miss THANG" look for Whitney.
It didn't seem like it really fit - because her talent always transcended that stupid materialistic persona.
In what might be the most DRAMATIC make-UNDER in the history of hollywood - Whitney has recently unveiled her new "I'll SUCK YA DICK for some fuckin' ROCK, NIGGA!" look.
And girlfriends, it AIN'T flattering.
(Begin playing Whiteny Houston's "Didn't We Almost Have It All" now...)
She no longer looks like the hot chick from the "How Will I Know" video.
The girl who sang "The Greatest Love of All" - not there.
I never really followed much of Whitney after she released her 1989 Whitney album (which I included on the Girlie So Groovie page in the HOt 120).
I knew she had a few marriage issues, I knew she had a few "pot" issues..but big fuckin deal.
I thought - worst case - she is in a co-dependent relationship with Bobby Brown and she needs to dump his ass. I figured anything abour marijuana was just sensationalized.
Fuck - I've smoked pot a few times every WEEK for the last 5 years of my life.
Big fuckin' deal.
And that was about all I knew of Whitney.
Pot head with an asshole husband. Whatever - she's a millionaire and there are people I know who have far bigger crosss to bear than that.
Cut to a few days ago - when Life Partner asked "Um..have you even SEEN recent pictures of Whitney??"
The last time I saw a pic - was at that Michael Jackson tribute - when she was skin and bones.
But fuck - skin and bones - who ISN'T skin and bones??
Lindsay Lohan? Nicole Richie? Paris Hilton? I could go on for pages and pages.
It doesn't make it right - but hell - it's not exactly "shocking" anymore to see a dangerously thin female superstar.
Then - I logged online and saw what has happend to Whitney.

I am floored.
What has she done to herself?
I went on to read about how she is smoking ENTIRE 8-balls, crack, cocaine, meth - dangerous shit.
She'd be laughing if WEED was the only thing in her pipe.
What shocked me the most - was her appearance.
Now I know celebrities aren't NATURALLY beautiful, and just like regular unfamous women - they have days when they don't feel like doing their hair or putting on makeup (or, putting their wig on straight)- and when we snap pictures of them in their jogging suits looking bloated and bummy - then juxtapose this "plain jane" look to what we THINK is the real them: airbrushed and glamorous with a pound of makeup - we think "WOW!! They look like complete SHIT!!"
But with Whitney - it's different.
She is a MESS.
I think she is for real giving Courtney Love a run for her money here.
Her sister in law - Tina Brown (Bobby's sister) published a bunch of photos that are allegedly of Whitney's bathroom.
It's a mess, dumpy, destroyed, ashes - spoons, lighters, cocaine in teh sink- just total garbage covering everything.
It looked like dire-straits, below-the-poverty-line living conditions.
The sister in law also claims Whitney does nothing but stay in her room all day, smoking crack and using SEX TOYS.
She claims Whitney hits herself, bites herself and sees demons when she is high; that Whitney is paranoid, delusional...and everyone thinks she is going to overdose.
The most alarming though: she lost her teeth.
Whitney - wears false teeth now.
That - is absolutely HORRIBLE.
It's frightening, and it's sad.
This chick - who had EVERYTHING from looks to money to a voice that won EVERYONE over - smoked so much poison her fucking TEETH fell out.
It's sad on so many levels. Not only is this women suffering and sick - but I think I am starting to learn how desensitized we really are.
While I make jokes and stuff (and other celebrity gossip sites crack jokes about her state) - this chick is truely addicted to POISON and is slowly dying an awful death.
Someone from the family - or her manager - ANYONE needs to seriously FORCE her into an institution. She is OBVIOUSLY not fit to go out in public - nevermind have people snapping pictures of her to publish online and laugh at.
There is only ONE WAY this story can end right now.
Has anyone ever seen Lady Sings the Blues - the story of Billie Holiday - who was addicted hardcore to heroin?
That's where Whitney is headed, which is painful to watch, but heartless and hateful to crack jokes about it while it is HAPPENING.
While I'm not a mega fan - Whitney houston was one of those singers I looked up to as a kid - and her early songs were among my favorite.
She was one of the girls I hung up on my wall, right next to Madonna, the Bangles and Samantha Fox.
It's painful seeing someone who was once a role model of sorts - turn into a total cracked out bag lady in a 50,000 dollar fur coat.
I'm no saint to talk about the benefits of being clean and sober - but I don't care..there is a difference between "partying" and "near death".
There's a difference between someone who sometimes "does drugs" and someone who is hopelessly consumed by them.
She's probably not even considered a "functioning" user.
I've been obsessed with this since I saw the pictures of her bathroom.
I'm kind of in shock.
I guess it says two really big things:
1 - Money doesn't mean FUCK ALL.
2 - What a FUCKING SAD shame.

We need to all stop making fun of this lady for being nothing but SICK. I think we are so used to being heartless towards celebrities - we forget they for real ARE real people. It's so common to laugh at someone for being addicted or being anorexic or being in an abusive relationship with Bobby Brown - but being "so entertaining" - we make a reality show out of it to try and suck some more ratings money from their train wreck.
something is so wrong.
While celebrity juice is almost just as much an addictive drug as crack - i think it is EASILY proving to be just as harmful.
We have all these examples of the not-so-glamourous side of what being "rich" or "famous" does or does NOT mean - yet we choose to use it as a vehicle to make fun of someone?
I'm more sickened and confused by the shit we call entertainment everyday.
Off to watch America's next Top Model...

Dan