Gays and Gals

The other day I went to a pride meeting for "performers" and the organizers were talking about my slam poetry.
"You should have seen it. Here he is - at this straight bar - with the majority of the audience being straight - and he was BLATANTLY throwing out all these gay sex references - and the audience was HOWLING!!! I couldn't believe it."
I think we need to give straight people more credit.
A) I'd hardly call the Avalon Front a "straight bar" - yeah - it's not a gay bar - but the people there are about as artsy fartsy as you can get - and I have yet to meet a homophobic artsy-fartsy.
B) It's 2005! If people can't fucking take someone ELSE being gay - too fucking bad.

I've been blessed all my life. Somehow - I managed NEVER having to officially "come out" to my parents. In my late teens/early twenties, they were miraculously one day gay supportive, dropping little "gay hints" to me.
It's now mentioned nonchalantly in my family...pretty much the way ANY 6 1/2 year relationship WOULD be mentioned.
It just - IS.
Just like Emily and Angus, John and Corrine - there's Dan and Wayne (life partner) - and that's that.
In fact - I think they like me more as a homo!!
Work as well. I hear stories of homophobia at work. I've been LUCKY enough to NEVER have had that. ANd I seriously speak 100% honestly when I say this.
If someone is uncomfortable with it - they have never shown signs of it to my face. I have never felt like I was NOT hired because of being gay - and i never felt like I didn't belong because of being gay.
Yeah - I get questions - and sometimes STUPID questions - but that's not homophobia. It's just ignorance. It's just not knowing. It's just SHELTERED - and that's part of the main reason homophobia exists.
So I give honest answers - and the end result: The person who asked the dumb question has a new take on it - and will never ask that dumb question again, because now they know.

Of course - that's not to say homophobia and sexism doesn't exist. Which is why I am going to end right here - and direct you to two INCREDIBLE articles that I read today - both dealing with somewhat of the same topic.

This first article was written by Paul - his blog is to your immediate right. It's great. This blog in particular was INCREDIBLY great. Read it and think. It made me think.
http://thisboyzlife.blogspot.com/2006/03/gay-block.html#comments

This next article was directed to me by my good friend Karmen:
It talks about the double standard in music - the things white straight guys get to get away with, while women or people of colour are banned for it. I mean, that's a very CRUDE summary of the article - there's far more to it - but read for yourself. You won't be disappointed.
http://www.tolerance.org/news/article_tol.jsp?id=831

The funny thing - is that the article comes from a site called www.tolerance.org - while it is a GREAT site content wise - my mother pointed something out to me the other day about the word tolerance.
She said "I hate when gay groups use the word tolerance. I HATE that. You TOLERATE bad weather. You TOLERATE mosquitos when you are camping. I TOLERATED pain when i had a biopsy done. I didn't WANT it there - in fact - I HATED IT - it was horrible - but - I had no choice, so I tolerated it. I'm sick of these shows asking people to PLEASE TOLERATE gay people, we all know they are annoying and bad and we don't agree with them - but just tolerate them. It's de-humanizing."
I was floored.
My mom doesn't often speak up about things like the language we choose - and she blew my mind. I know "tolerance" is steeped with good intentions - but check out some dictionary.com defintions of what TOLERANCE is:

The capacity to endure hardship or pain.
Physiological resistance to a poison.
The capacity to absorb a drug continuously or in large doses without adverse effect; diminution in the response to a drug after prolonged use.
Unresponsiveness to an antigen that normally produces an immunological reaction.
The ability of an organism to resist or survive infection by a parasitic or pathogenic organism

Interesting. When I asked her what word she thought would be more proper...she said "respect", "equality", "acceptance"...she went on.
Anyway, just a thought - not from me, but from my mom. And just like the two articles - it really got me thinking...
hearts and farts for today,

Dan

A Little Off-KILT-er...oh Ashley...

Life Partner and I always had an agreement.
A totally CLOSED relationship - meaning we are exclusive to each other - EXCEPT in ONE VERY RARE CIRCUMSTANCE.
That one, VERY RARE circumstance is: Being approached by a famous person and asked if you'd like to fuck.
Cut to us - 3 summers ago at the Celtic fest in downtown Windsor.
Cape Breton fiddler and King of the Nova Scotian Faeries Ashley MacIsaac was playing with John Allan Cameron.
I spotted Ashley out of the corner of my eye - hanging out beside the stage, leaning against his trailor like a piece of scottish beefcake.
Quickly, I turned to Life Partner, a small glint of panic in my eye and asked:
"Does Ashley MacIsaac count as a celebrity?"
"What? Why??" Answered Life Partner, concern furrowing his brow.
"Does he count...YOU KNOW..." I lowered my voice.
"Um..yeah. I guess...yeah."
"OKay, be right back," I darted into the crowd.
To Life Partner's Horror - there I was - at the fence, talking to Mister Ashley MacIsaac, shaking his hand, sharing stories about my own family in Cape Breton.
Then - I hopped the fence.
And yeah. I fucked him that day.
Just kidding.
I didn't fuck him.
But I did hop the fence to chat with him about my aunt's convenience store he used to hang out at.
That's my brush w/ Ashley.
I just found out today he plans on running to be leader of the Liberal Party.
He plans on selling some of his artwork that he owns to finance his stint with politics (He needs $40,000) and he is also planning on learning french and he INSISTS he will NOT be using sex drugs and rock and roll to earn votes, the way he has to earn record sales and ticket sales.
This is the same guy who admitted to pissing on his b.f....
The same guy who did the infamous "kilt-kick" on Conan O'Brian to reveal his...um..."medallions" to the world.
The same medallions he shook in my face when I saw him in 1996 in Detroit.
Same dude addicted to drugs, planned on having a gay wedding in Alberta and planned on running for federal government in Dartmouth Nova Scotial.
Didn't happen.
So, will it happen this time?
Hey if the FUCKING terminator can do it in California - fuckin' King of the Faeries Ashley should be able to do it in Canada!
I'll vote for the sexy fucker.
My last name ain't MacDonald for nothin'...gotta support my fellow Cape Breton homos...we got it tough :)

VOTE ASHLEY!
He's no crazier than Stephen Fucking Harper, George W. Bush or Stockwell Fucking Day.
Time to spice up the office a bit. I think Ashley would make a fine leader.
In more ways than one.
I'd let him play my fiddle any time...

hearts and farts...
Dan

Equinox and The Secrets to Time Travel

Spring.
Not exactly summer - but it's a bump in the right direction.
We took this picture somewhere between Toronto and Windsor last summer, on our way home from watching monkeys and lions and zebras and elephants roam the vast deserts of Ontario.
Time to set our clocks ahead soon, yet again.
I hate when moving forward in time makes you fall behind one hour. How is that even possible?
It sucks.
But the weather makes up for it I guess.
Okay, so tonight I think I figured out the closest thing to time travel:
Music.
Seriously. Maybe this is news to me - but it never really hit me this hard before.
I threw on an old CD back from 1997 - Veruca Salt's "Eight Arms to Hold You" - and instantly, I could smell the bleach I used to burn my brown hair blonde with when I was 19 years old.
I was at my friend's house on Windermere, sitting on a flight of creeky stairs, smoking pot.
I was wearing a backwards GARBAGE hat.
I was getting ready to go to Changez...By Night.
I was making out with girls.
I was working at a video store.
I could SMELL smells I used to smell. The must from old wood, the smell of blueberry liqueur, me walking home until 6 am, crashing on my bed on top of the comforter in my parent's house and putting on a CD to take me away to sleep for the rest of the Spring day.
I was there.
And so were those songs.
Listening to them - it's indescribable. I thought about people I hadn't seen since then, the airconditioned feel of the Loop on a Tuesday night, when we were the first ones there, grabbing "the couches".
Sitting by the DJ booth, walking across the floor with pitchers of beer and glasses.
Then, I decided to throw on some more CDs.
Juliana Hatfield's "Become What You Are".
Songs like Dame with a Rod, Mabel, Supermodel, Spin the Bottle, My Sister, This is the Sound....WOW.
Highschool, grade 12, sitting in class 10:45am - getting ready to skip out and go to London for the day.
Walking through the halls, moose in my hair - I could smell it - first day of spring someone wearing new cologne.
Car air freshner, new CD in the stereo "isn't this shit COOOL?" .... "yeah...i guess it's okay.."
the 401 - running away from the city for one day.
Fucking fantastic.
I did ALL of this in about 1/2 an hour while Life Partner played on the computer and listened along.
It's incredible what music can do and can trigger.
It's comforting though. I don't EVER have to worry about forgetting anything because it's all sitting there on my CD shelves - ready to be picked up and re-lived right where I left it all hanging, suspended years ago.
And then - it hit me:
That's why I love my CD collection so much.
Everyone I love is right inside them, as young and vivid and as beautiful as they were back in the day.
And no matter what - we'll ALWAYS be exactly that way - alive - forever inside those incredible songs that mean so much more to me than I could ever possibly describe in words.

Happy Spring,

Dan

HappY B-Day Shout Out blog...

Happy B-Day Heather!!!!
Going out tonight to the Avalon to celebrate Heather's big b-day!! YAY!
I was gonna post a birthday cake picture that I ripped off from the net, but this stupid blogger isn't working well...
ANyway - b-day shout out to Heather!! Can't wait to get ripped tonight!!!!

Hopefully not as ripped as i got at karm's b-day at Jeff's house...but, ripped enough.

hearts and b-day cakes,

dan

YAR!!! ME IRIIISH!!

Evening bros and sissies.
Actually, morning.
Top OF the morning. Isn't that what they say in Ireland?
It's St. Patrick's Day, and although I never was much of a St.Pattys day enthusiast, something about the greenest day of the year still kinda yanks on my heart strings.
Maybe it's because it means spring is more or less here...
Perhaps it's because green is most likely my favorite colour...
Could be that small part of me that still believes in leprechaun's and pots of gold at the end of rainbows...who knows.
Part of me feels like painting clovers all over my face and hitting the bars, frat-boy style.
Except, one big problem:
I hate bars on St. Patrick's Day.
It's the same thing as New Years Eve. Worst night in the world to go out on.
It's all the same - your favorite bar, with your favorite music and your favorite crowd of people...except, it's MAJORLY busy, you don't get a place to sit, it takes forever to get a drink, you have to WAIT to get in - and when you finally do get in, the crowd is obnoxious, and the music is even worse.
I'm not against celtic or irish music...
Hell - "Oh Danny Boy" has pretty much been my theme song since the day I was born...and of course, Sinead O'Connor, Enya, Pogues, and the Cranberries ROCK ROCK ROCK...
it's the strummin' and fiddlin' I take issue with.
"In heaven there is no BEER!! That's why we drink it HERE!! And when We're gone away from HERE...all our friends will still be drinkin' all the beer...EVERBODY!!!! In heaven there is no beer......etc etc..."
UGH.
Irish drinking songs...yuck.
I just can't stand it. Never could. Great Big Sea.
I know they're Canadian - but - same shit.
Nah...I think tonight, I'd have a much nicer time watching the Leprechaun trilogy in my own house - far away from the Irish people.
Not that I have anything against Irish people..in fact, i think Irish people are among the most BEAUTIFUL in the world....
It's the people who are "IRISH" for today only who frighten me.
It's like - they take all the drunken, bad qualities and practices of Ireland, and ram them all into one day - full force.
FRIGHTENING!!!
Anyway, I'm off to work..it's 8pm...running late.
I think I'm actually gonna wear green today :) just for the fuck of it...

hearts and leprechaun farts,

dan

Perez Hilton-ing Myself.

(Said in Edith Bunker voice:)
Sweet Jesus Toto, we ain't in fuckin' Kansas anymore, is we?
165 pounds,
I am.
no.
longer.

Yeah. This is a recent picture of me.
Saturday night.
Drunker than I have been in several years, but that's not what's bothering me.
What is bothering me is the 40 pounds I have gained since 2003.
Yes, 3 years ago - but - that's more than ten pounds a year I have consistently gained.
Not good.
Oh momma-mia, not good.
Holy macaroni-low-carbolicious-ice-cream-sandwiches-when-i-get-stoned.
Yeah.
That kind of "not good".
Now - not to get all serious and sentimental on all ya'll brothers and sistas, but - I understand that I also am cursed with something THEY SAY isn't that common in men.
Poor body image.
It stems from me being a comfort-eater as a child and as a result - becoming heavy at a very delicate age. It instilled in me a deeply set insecurity - particularily towards body image.
nothing i'm sure a few hormones, some anti-depressants and a few thousand voltz of lightening in my cerebral cortex couldn't cure, but ...psychiatry is SOOOO passe.
I remember, back when I *WAS* 165 pounds - i thought I was fat, when in fact - I hadn't weighed that little since I was in highschool.
I'm just one of those people who looks in the mirror and sees chubby no matter what.
End of story.
No biggie..but, I make a point of asking Life partner each day before I put on a t-shirt "Do i look fat..?"
However, this last year - my bad body image has taken a turn for the worse.
Love-handles once imagined, materialized.
Man boobs once half-joked about became a real punchline that, in truth - wasn't all that funny.
My chin has indeed begun construction on an extension of its own self.
Do I have a problem with being a little overweight?
No.
Not a bit.
It's not a weight problem.
I have a confidence problem. I always have.
So it makes dealing with being a little on the chubby side about 10,000 times more difficult.
I've pogo-ed up and down with my weight since i was ten years old.
when I was in grade 3 - I weight 65 - 70 pounds, normal for my height.
In grade four - I was the same height, but weighed 135.
In grade six I hit puberty and grew to be one of the tallest guys in my class (5'10") and I weighed 140. Normal weight, if not a bit skinny.
Grade 9 - 11, about 150,,,
Grade 12 - 180lbs....
University - 155....
1998 - 170...a healthy weight for my body type.
2002 - 220lbs....
2003 - 165...
2006 - 205.

It's been up and down my entire life.
And I lost weight every way you can think of.
Puberty, working out in highchool, swimming laps, HARD CORE low carbs, smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee, even harfing up a big binge dinner once in a blue moon back in grade 12.
Not good.
The weight just KEEPS creeping up on me.
I mean, yeah - i eat out a lot...but I don't eat a ridiculous amount.
for the last three months...I'll have like, a rice cake OR a bagel for breakfast.
A veggie sub for lunch (foot long - but still..it's JUST fucking bread and veggies) and for dinner...some kind of rice with seasoning...or like, a veggie burger or something.
MAYBE some chips on some nights.

I guess I need to start walking and eating better.
Sorry you all have to read this, I'm trying to calculate my thoughts and get a plan out to lose this weight PERMANENTLY.
I recently became a vegetarian again - almost a month now. absolutely NO meats or fish / and VERY little dairy / eggs and cheese.
So i've been eating nothing but whole grains, veggies, rice (albeit white - but still - it's fuckin rice) and soy.
I am not a pop drinker. I rarely drink beer anymore. I've long since graduated to wine and whiskey.. (insert bare-assed spanking sounds here).
Life Partner said the other day it looked like i lost weight since i started...that'd be cool if that was the case.
It's not why i decided to quit eating meat - but hey - it'd be a welcomed bonus.
I guess I just need to stop worrying about it and start DOING something right?
The pounds don't shed off with my feeling sorry for myself for stuffing my face with junk food, right?
The manboobs don't disappear by playing with them in the mirror, squishing them with my hands to form clevage or spraying shaving cream on them like makeshift pasties, do they?
And my love handles.
My cursed, CURSED love handles.
My "root of all evil" love handles.
My "i hate you i hate you i hate you" love handles.
Lemme tell ya one thing, bitches:
(said in Nell Carter voice:)
"Love ain't got NUTHIN' to do with ya'll sorry-ass MUTHA-FUCKAS."

Starting today - March 13th - I am going to END the war on my body and begin instead to work with it, peacefully starting with my brain down to mold it with my bare hands and unelectrocuted cerebral cortex into the finely tuned machine I always wanted it to be.
ANd If i don't get it finely tuned - fuck it.
But i'll tell ya one thing right now - my love handles - they gots to go....
I'll keep everyone posted...

wish moi luck...

hearts and farts,

Dan

Burlesque Chicks and Avalon Pics

The following link leads to pics of the Burlesque Cabaret at The Avalon, which took place Thursday.
The photographer's name is Myles Ross Bartlett - he usually does video cabaret at Phog, a few of you who read this probably know him. From the look of these pictures - he's a fucking PHENOMENAL photographer.
Some of the photos are so gorgeous, they look like stills froma really cool movie...
He told me to drop him an email because he has some GREAT shots of me performing at the XXXMas Cabaret at Phog from back in December, so I'm gonna do that...for now. I don't REALLY have his permission to post his pics (like he'd care) so I'll post a link to his myspace site, which features photos of the night (and two of YOURS TRUELY...).
Also - take note of Drew Barrymore girl "Fiona" in the front :) heee heee :)
I finally found a way to get her on my blog :)
So help me god..if i were straight..I'd be STALKING her!!!
So - check out the pics...and as a nice companion - read one of the pieces I performed that night..it's called "BURLESQUE CHICK.."

Hearts and farts,

dan

PICS:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=15509445&MyToken=6ef5d4ba-0dab-4a34-a445-e3467660b1b1ML


BURLESQUE CHICK

Spring FEVER's
got the masses
by their PRICKS...

everyone clicking off
into horny little cliques
chubby pickle bands
with lambchops and hat tricks
fucking budweiser girls
with bleached hair and
big tits
and coffee shop cruisers
suckin each other's dicks
while detroit rock city
and maple syrup,
mix
university girls
fuck college boys
for kicks
and the indie rock boys
wanna fuck BURLESQUE CHICKS...

cuz burlesque chicks
got something else in mind
like bodies in motion
and legs entwined
and leather corsets
and bare behinds
and sparkly pasties
in sexy designs
and well toned thighs
to keep your tongue
in line
a little gypsy rose lee
to make you
work your spine...

See, I used to
hang with a burlesque troupe
mae west, helen kane and ms betty boop
and we'd throw elaborate parties
with streemers and confetti
filling the air like
humidity
bunch a sleazy BITCHES at the bar
eyeing me
from afar
fake eye lashes
doing shots
of whiskey
they'd pull me in the
coat check room
with their hands in
my pants
getting all
frisky
and i could hear
eartha kitt pumping
and i felt sugar
in my blood
and she said:
"I know yer a faggot
but yer still
my stud.."
and spring fever syndrome
blooming like a rose bud
my dick rising up
like a rose
in spring mud
and i said:
"Listen Betty Page,
I don't mean to play coy,
but do you mind
if we bring in
the coat check boy..?"
and she pulled
that kid in
and we started to enjoy
all the perks
and all the jerks
of the coat check
EMPLOY

and we were
into each other
like sigfreed
and roy

gettin down
and dirty
like lucinda williams
joy

i tell ya:
"I haven't been fucked like
that since
i was
an altar boy"

My burlesque
chick
was fixing her lip
stick
and the coat check boy
was tucking in his
dick
and he looked into my eyes
with his emo face,
whiped his emo hair
back in it's emo place
and said "this is my first
time i ever made it
past third base"
and then the burlesque
chick pulled out
her cigarette case
and she said,
with a total straight
face:
"Coat check boy,
dont FUCKIN' WASTE
my time...
cuz with my CHAMPAGNE
TASTE
and your BEER BOTTLE
POCKETS
don't forget to call me
when you're older
and you're wiser
and you're ready
for a woman
like me.."

So I rest my case
this whole straight
thing
is all a fuckin' poker face
i'm just flicking your
bic
i'm just getting my kicks
i'm just watching
burlesque chicks
shimmy shakin' their tits

but KNOW
DEEP DOWN
with your emo boy tricks
and your
"i'm so frustrated"
artist boy schtick
whether you're
queer as a FUCK
or straight as a
brick,
you
KNOW
you wanna fuck
a burlesque
chick.

- Dan MacDonald, March 9/2006

Spring in the Seed-y City Cabaret

Sorry about the lull brothers and sisters,
Here I am promising to post more and here I am again...procrastinating.
Anyway..
it's been an amazing night.
I just performed two new pieces at the Spring in the Seedy City Cabaret show at The Avalon and they were so well-recieved, I literally threw myself for a Loop!
For starters it was a female and gay and queer identified majority in the audience so that was working in my favour.
But also - it was by FAR the BIGGEST crowd I have EVER read to in my entire life.
It was daunting. Terrifying. Thrilling.
It went over so great.
It was VERY burlesque-girl positive - and - some fruits are gonna be reaped with this one.
Dani Bob the hair dresser and organizer of Windsor Pride asked if I would write and perform something BRAND NEW for a gay pride fundraiser coming up!!!!
He also asked if I would feature for Gay Pride itself, me - amidst a bunch of drag queens!!!
I can't FUCKIN WAIT!!!!
of course, i responded with a resounding YES YES YES!!
Cracking into the windsor alterna-poet scene a-la Eclectic Cafe is one thing...but being able to perform and speak to the ENTIRE queer windsor scene!! I'm HUMBLED!!! I'm so happy.
Me and the B-Girlz baby!!!
Those chicks rock.
Anyway, I'm still high on adrenaline...I just had to share how fucking GREAT it felt, to hear a bar FILLED to capacity cheer when they called my name to read these little poems that mean so much to me.
it felt awesome!!!
ANd Fiona - aka - hot Drew Barrymore chick was front and center screaming the loudest :)
she rocks!!!
anyway, i'm sorry if this comes off as bragging, i'm just super drunk and excited...it was such a great night, i wish you guys were all there....

hearts and farts,

Dan

Ever Wonder...

Hmm...why is it on all these celebrity gossip sites - it's ALWAYS about the same 4 people:
Lindsay Lohan / Kevin Federline / Hillary Duff / Nicole Ritchie ?

And of course - a reference about how hot "BECKS" is.
And then a shot of some semi-random b-actress from a tv show with an arrow pointed at her shoes or her belt saying "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!"

Seriously.
I mean - yes it is KIND of interesting, seeing what celebrities do on their own time - but these websites are now getting so bland and repetative I can LITERALLY almost predict what is going to be on them before I go on them!
A picture of how nasty Kevin Federline is with corn rows.
A unflattering picture of a drunk Tara Reid and a quote about how stupid she is and how we should all laugh at her.
A picture of Nicole Ritchie with Bono sunglasses on that weigh more than her entire body.
Lindsay Lohan half-naked from a magazine shoot with hints about how she "isn't healthy".
Hillary Duff smiling like a chipmunk and a line about how the site "luvs the duffster".
AND to top it off - all the pictures are the same on EVERy sight.
So not only are the sites predictible...they're all the same....
I mean...i get it...but are people not getting bored of this yet?
Ah fuck, whatever.
I guess those guys are doing more than me.
But for the record - the dude from a certain popular celeb gossip website has SLAMMED me and my radio show once.
I won't even mention his name on here.
It's not Perez Hilton though....it's this OTHER one.
Ugh.
Anyway, sorry - i was just wondering if anyone else notices that we are starting to lose brain cells the more we read these sites, only because it's ALWAYS the same shit...

What sites do YOU puruse?? and have you noticed them slipping in quality lately?

Dan

Welcome Back Brothers and Sisters

Welcome back, brothers and sisters.
It's been a while and I've gone and wasted a perfectly good month like February with a VERY minimal amount of blogging.
SHame on me.
*insert wet, bare assed slapping sounds here*.
Where to begin where to begin...i feel like, rather than actually WRITE a decent, real blog - I should simply explain what I have been doing briefly, leave you with a recent spoken word piece I performed at Phog two nights ago (No Zion - not the one I already sent you) and then end it - and start bloggin every day, as if I never left.
I have been staying late every night after work learning production and pro-tools. So not only am I writing, voicing and scheduling on-air spots - I am now PRODUCING them, which is kinda cool. It's great experience.
I produced my very first LIVE show today - where the DJ is in the booth and I sit at the sound board and work everything behind the scenes. It was great. Exciting, fast paced.
Well - it was a show called Money Matters so it wasn't THAT exciting..but still - really cool experience.
So my days have been long.
I also attended the Girls with Glasses show in Paquette Corners w/ a bunch of people - it was cool. It was a House Concert - meaning YEAH - it was actually AT someone's house..but i found the experience kinda intimate and different. It beat yet another night of sitting around getting drunk off my ass at home.
Went to the art gallery to see James' work.
A quick tid-bid about the Windsor Art gallery...I used to be the arts editor for UPFRONT Magazine, and I never went to the Art Gallery of Windsor. That's bad of me, I know.
Mind you - I didn't miss FUCK ALL.
I always went to either smaller art galleries - or art shows at bars like Phog, Flying Monkey or Milk, which is where i think local artists should hang their shit.
The ONE room I found the most compelling was the one James was in - because it seemed the most REAL. it was REAL art with REAL pieces of art with REAl stories and somethign DIFFERENT put into it.
It wasn't trained it wasn't even a genre..it just WAS which is how i think art should be.
Art shouldn't be lumped.
Ah but fuck it, what do I know.
So much of the stuff though - was so BORING. Maybe I just don't get it. I don't know. Yeah - there were some cool photographs..yeah there were some historial paintings older than fuckin' Liz Taylor and YEAH there was some semi-intriguing installation complete with the uber pretentious video which I usually find somewhat stimulating...but other than that...
Maybe I'm just used to seeing such AMAZING art created by my friends that I'm shocked when i see the supposed "best' isn't even half as good.
GOd, I wish I was visually artistic that way too.
Last but not least - i did write a vagina monologue to celebrate my dear friend Nicole's Birthday. Mind you - i didn't finish. I will publish it this weekend.
For now, brothers and sisters - I leave you with a little ditty i wrote a few days ago and I performed it two nights ago at Phog.
And remember - this is more meant to be read aloud, than read. so keep that in mind...:)
Here you go:

Crusing the Bookstore

People
Cruise
Book
stores
For
Sex.
See, i cruise the fiction section
cuz fiction is friction and non-chalant
people hang out
cuz they are looking
for somethin
different
but nothing
specific
just a good read
or a good lay
maybe a flirty sideways
horned up look
while they innocently browse
through shelves
for..."books".

I've done it myself,
sitting in the B-section
one time
and someone saunters near by
and picks up a copy of emily bronte
and i nonchalantly schmooze my
way up closer to the A section,
pick up a book and do a little
sideways "look"and see that i got their attention.

I looked down at the book
i was non-chalantly flipping through
and realized
it was fuckin' V.C.Andrews.

"FUCK." I hissed under my breath.
And I left.

then I eye up the erotica
section
flip through a bunch of authors
too ashamed
to publish their
names
and i have to shimmy
to hide my jimmy
in my pants
reading words like "thorbbing"and "juicey" and
"parted-wet-lips"
really gets me off
and before I know it someone else
is curling up along side the shelf:
a guy with a shaved head
and a turtle neck..

"he's not your type"
the voice of GOD tells me,
so I open up Georges Baitaille,
The Story of the Eye,
read all about a chick
all submissive and sweet
sitting on eggs,
and pissing on sheets.
"OH, Oh" - it's The Story of O,
and the claiming of sleeping beauty;
Anne Rice or ANne Rampling...
Regardless, my boner is
gone.
Erotica is so desperate and obvious.

Some of us lounge shamelessly in the gay and lesbian section,
shoving it down everyone's throat
EXACTLY who WE ARE,
turn the whole thing
into a big cruising park
gay BAR
bunch of guys reading tom of findland sucking each other's dicks
and newbies reading"What if MOMMY knows I'm a Teenage Homo"
while the more established
fags read of the joys of S&M and bringing in
sixes and well-toned sevens
into your MATURED
gay relationship and how this is
and I quote:
"TOTALLY healthy and YOU as a MATURE GAY MALE
should NOT beat yourself up over the fact that YOU and YOUR
partner do NOT GET sexual gratificiation
unless there are a minimum of nine other
dicks involved. "

The pet section,
pussy lovers
and a bunch of horned up
dogs reading books on
house training,
bent down to the bottom
shelf flashing their
haunches like a cat in
heat
dogs panting
The snake in their
jeans
slithering around
A nice young couple
exchanging ideas about
kitty litter
and homemade puppy chow,
I could hear what they
were really saying though..
"Put down your book about
paris hilton's tinkerbell
and
FUCK ME.
FUCK ME with a dog leash
on
fuck me with a chew toy.."

Kinky bitches in heat,YO!
The real gem,
though,

is the magazine aisle..
glossies
with images of sex
and naked bodies
big machines, monster
trucks
AD BUSTERS for left wingers who just
like
to fuck,
HIGH TIMES
for the perma-fried
and The chick who wants a hubby flips
through a copy of
Modern Bride

and if all else fails...

There's an entire STAFF
of Starbucks employees
just WAITING - JUST WAITINg
to offer you a GRANDE SHOT
of TRIPPLE SOY CHOCOLATE
VANILLA Crappucino
with EXTRA whip cream,
If you knw what I mean.

See, Chapters is HOT,
you can smell the sex in the air
the knowing glances
and suggestive "looks"
of a bunch of horned up readers,
just browsing...
for "books".

*END*

Okay...that's about it...sorry for delaying so long - i'm gonna go check everyone's blogs...i hate having a hiatus from blogville...
talk to ya'll soon!!

hearts and farts,
dan