New Year's Eve, 2005: A REVIEW

Happy Cusp of the Year, brothers and sister, fathers and mothers, drunkards and sobirds.
Tonight, I am a drunkard.
It is only five minutes into New Year's Eve - and I find myself compelled to write about the year - in review - and even look back on the year that is about to be force-fed a handful of sappy, dirty, nostalgic burnt rubber - as we leave that motherfucker behind and motor away into our futures. The champagne is cooling. Kiss the drunken lips of your lover with an opened mouth. Turn the volume up. Bang your pots and pans. Throw toilet paper skyward and scream at the top of your lungs towards the moon, that its lunar magnetism might make us all a more peaceful and prosperous people in the three hundred and sixty five days to come.
Last year, before getting down on my knees and praying to Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior to "Pretty Please with sugar on top" bump the end of the world to just ONE MORE YEAR - I made myself a "WANT LIST FOR 2005."
Keep in mind, I was at the time - a resident of waitress hell - taking the orders of the public, biting my lip at the Bay Ladies and buying rounds of shots for my posse of life-long waitresses.
My army. My support system. I miss you all dearly. Here WAS my Want List for 2005, as posted on THIS blog January 1st, 2005.
Let's see how I did....

1.I want a new job - preferrably at a small news paper or at a radio station.
(YAY!)
2. I want to release a zine or start a magazine.
(Didn't Do It. But - I started my own website - which IS getting some buzz around town and abroad - people from San Francisco, London England, Los Angelas California, not to mention the Indigo Girls, Dressy Bessy and the Go-Go's have all contacted me about this thing - so i didn't COMPLETELY fail myself there..)
3. I want to learn how to play bass better.
(Did it. Was in a band this year and I dropped out before our first gig. The SEX COUNTY DERELICTS. They were kinda pissed that I quit. I just wasn’t feeling it the way I wanted to. Sounds snobby eh? Fuck man – if I’m gonna be in a band – I want it to be in a band I LOVE. Not something I don’t QUITE get. Make sense? I do want to start jamming with the one person who is my TRUE musical magnet - Mister Jeff Durham. If I'm gonna start a band - I'm gonna start a band with Mister Durham.)
4. I want to get a haircut.
(Did it. And the crazy thing - my hair is the same damn length as it was this time last year - if not a little bit longer. Hair is circular, ever-growing and I myself have grown accustomed to my unkept shaggy mop of a do. But - I still want a haircut. I guess that one will never be fully fulfilld, which is a good thing. Knock on wood.)
5. I want artwork for my livingroom.
(Gained one piece from my dear artist friend James. He's so fucking talented. Check out his artwork on my links sidebar - he's SCREEN ANGLE. I want to make another goal getting more of his stuff on a larger scale into my living room. )
6. I want a wedding ring with diamonds.just kidding.
(I really was kidding. But while we're on the subject - I still want the OPTION of having a wedding ring with diamonds - which means - I dont want a Conservative government fucking UP what I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY.)
7. I want a Mazzy Star reunion tour.
(HAH! Like that's ever gonna fuckin' happen. Hope Sandoval can't even put out a fuckin' solo album without a five year limbo period. I can HARDLY see her collaborating with Dave Roback EVER again, nevermind touring with him.)
8. I want to do more poetry readings.
(Considering I had only done ONE poetry reading at the time I wrote that - i would say I more than met this goal. And I am hooked. I have never written more than I have this year - be it blogging, work related, website related, poetry reading related, personal writing, UPFRONT Magazine related - or various other publications like XX Feminist Theatre Magazine and the Detroit Record who I submitted pieces for this year. I love it - even if no one reads it but me. I love to write and I love performing poetry - so I'm gonna keep this one - and be grateful for all the incredible nights Phog Lounge and the WEIRDO group of artists who hang out there have given me with regard to my performance pieces.)
9. I want to lose weight.
(Okay. I fucked up in this department and gained about 15 pounds. But - it WILL come off. This, I promise myself. *fingers crossed, while i caress my man-boobies*)
And that is it folks.
I'll post my New Year's Resolutions tomorrow...but until then - here is the year in music, as I saw it:…iN 2005.

YOU WERE MY FAVORITES BECAUSE YOU MADE ME REDISCOVER MUSIC AND YOUR ALBUM WAS FUCKING GENIUS …iN 2005:

Top Eleven for 2005:
11. Giant Drag - Hearts and Unicorns
10. 50 Foot Wave - Golden Ocean
09. Bettye LaVette - I've Got my Own Hell to Raise
08. Spoon - Gimme Fiction
07. Sufjan Stevens – Illinoise
06. Emily Carr - Number One Super Power
05. Scout Niblett - Kidnapped by Neptune
04. Coco Rosie - Noah's Arc
03. Tilly and the Wall - Wild Like Children
02. Sinead O'Connor - Throw Down Your Arms
01. Mary Timony - Ex Hex

YOU WERE SO DAMN CLOSE TO BEING MY FAVORITE BECAUSE I PLAYED YOU SO MUCH BUT I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU - BECAUSE I JUST HAD NO ROOM TO PUT YOU ON MY ABSOLUTELY FAVORITE LIST …iN 2005:

Imogen Heap – Speak for Yourself
Liz Phair - Somebody's Miracle
Laura Veirs - Year of Meteors
Goldfrapp – SuperNature
Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
Fiona Apple _ Extraordinary Machine
Patti Smith - Horses/Horses
Juliana Hatfield - Made in China
Veruca Salt –Lords of Sound and Lesser Things
Dressy Bessy – Electrified


YOU ABSOLUTELY ROCKED MY WORLD AND I WILL FOREVER BE REMINDED OF YOU WHEN I THINK OF ALL THE GREAT SONGS I LISTENED TO …iN 2005:
Beck – Guerro
Madonna - Confessions on a Dancefloor
Amy Ray – Prom
Marianne Faithful – Before the Poison
Sarah Dougher - Harper's Arrow
Franz Ferdinand - You Could Have it So Much Better
Lucinda Williams - LIve at the Filmore
Metric - Live it Out
Grandaddy - Exerpts from the Diary of Todd Zilla
Of Montreal - The Sunlandic Twins
Sleater-Kinney - The Woods
White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan

YOU ALL MADE IT ONTO MIX TAPES THIS YEAR BECAUSE YOU BLEW MY MIND IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER iN 2005:
Aimee Mann - The Forgotten Arm
Allison Brown - Everything that Shined
Antony and the Johnson's - I am a Bird Now
Broadcast - Tender Buttons
Rolling Stones - A Bigger Bang
Sigur Ros – Takk
Dar Williams - My Better Self
Decemberists – Picaresque
The Kills - No Wow
Juliette and the Licks - You're Speaking My Language
Kate Bush – Aerial
Kathy Valentine - Light Years
Maggie Brown - Maggie Brown
Martha Wainwright - Martha Wainwright

YOU COULD HAVE SCORED BETTER IF YOU USED A REAL FUCKIN’ PERCUSSION iN 2005:
M.I.A. – Arular

YOU ARE CAPABLE OF MAKING SUCH A BETTER ALBUM – TOO BAD YOU DISAPPOINTED ME iN 2005
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Clap Your Hands Say Yeah -
Ladytron - Witching Hour
Missy Elliot - the cookbook
Patrick Wolf - Wind in the Wires
Bjork - Drawing Restraint 9
Tori Amos - The Beekeeper
Lil Kim – The Naked Truth

YOU MADE A BAD ALBUM IN MY HUMBLE OPINION iN 2005:
Garbage - Bleed Like Me
Bif Naked – SuperBeautifulMonster
Weezer - Make Believe
Mew - And the Glass Handed Kites

TOO BAD I MISSED THE BOAT AND DIDN’T GET INTO YOU WHEN YOUR ALBUM ACTUALLY CAME OUT – OTHERWISE, YOU’D BE ON THIS LIST iN 2005:
Brian Wilson – SMiLE (2004)
The Rondelles – Shined Nickles and Loose Change (2001)
Ronnie Spector – She Talks to Rainbows (1999)
Blanche – If We Can’t Trust the Doctors (2004)
The Dandy Warhols – The Dandy Warhols Come Down (1997)
Wilco – A Ghost is Born (2004)
The Brian Jonestown Massacre – Give it Back (1997)
The Brian Jonestwown Massacre – Tepid Peppermint Wonderland: A Retrospective (2004)

That's about it folks. Hope no one was offended.
Thanks again to everyone for making 2005 funtastic and spacey.
Happy New Year - if you drink and drive - three glasses of wine and a quick ride home is not worth getting fucked in the ass in prison for killing someone with your drunken self.
If you’re gonna get fucked in the ass – at least do it with a fuckin’ HOTTIE you meet at a bar one night.
My two pieces of advice for the new year are the same two pieces of advice I chewed on last year:
1. As Patti Smith said - don't fuck with the past - but fuck plenty with the future.
and...
2. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Tom Robbins said number two.
And he just rocks.
Oh yeah - liquor is meant to be drunk - and resolutions are meant to be broken.

Don’t disappoint yourselves – but know that disappointment is inevitable, so it’s all cool in the end.

Hearts, farts and explosions in the sky,

Dan.

End of Year Chaotics and the Simple yet Apparently Difficult Politics of Just Being Nice to People

There's one of two ways you can deal with stress, chaos and other unpleasantries in life.
You can deal with it like a miserable, unhappy, bastard and let it get to you and turn YOUR LIFE into a living hell.
Or
You can take it in stride - TRY not to let it get to you and deal with it calm, cool and as it happens.
Most people, I hope - choose the latter.
I know I do. We're only human. If we are stressed we gotta remember - we can only do what HUMANS are capable of. If something is too much to chew - just don't chew it all in one bite. If someone else doesn't like that - they can get off their ass and quit cutting you up - and lend a hand.
Sounds like simple math to me. I use that approach and I rarely if EVER get "stresed". You just have to deal with it - and if you try to keep your head on your shoulders while dealing with it - it's a FUCK of a lot easier to deal with.
And unfortunately - sometimes unhappiness or misfortune is a part of life. It just really, REALLY sucks when we let it drag us down and make us SHITTY people because something in our life doesn't smell very good.
The world would be happier if people were nicer to everyone. That sounds ridiculous - but it's apparently a tough thing to grasp. Since I was a teenager - I ALWAYS smile to people I make eye contact with - I always hold the door for people coming in behind me or coming out before I enter - and I ALMOST ALWAYS let people cut infront of me in line if I have a bunch of shit and they only have like, one or two things.
I'm not writing this blog to toot my own horn about my AMAZING manners and politeness - I'm sure I'm waaay off on a few.
But - my one, common rule is - "TRY to be nice."
Just TRY.
Although it sounds simple...it is apparently, a difficult concept to grasp.
Today - I had to go to the bank and A & P.
A car was backing out of a spot so I put my blinker on - to nab it.
Of course, around the corner from the other side, another car comes by - sees me sitting there with my blinker - but decides to take it upon himself and steal the spot anyway.
Fucker.
But, whatever. Shit happens right?
So I found a further back spot and parked. No big deal.
Went to the bank and held the door for an old dude coming out.
He didn't say thanks - but whatever.
Who cares?
He didn't HAVE to say thanks - just like I didn't HAVE to hold the door open for him.
Except I did.
But who cares?
I see this other chick coming with a buggy - so I waited and held the door for her as well.
She literally looked at me - and HUFFED at me as she walked through the door.
That annoyed me.
You know - you don't have to say thanks..but don't fucking HUFF at me like I'm annoying you. Maybe I'm not doing you a favour that's going to change your life by holding the door open - but it would have been FAR more polite to at least smile - or even - not do anything.
Instead, I felt like an unappreciated doorboy.
HUFF.
What the FUCK is that?? who HUFFS at someone who holds a door open for them??
But whatever - it was my choice to hold the door open.
So - I am at the bank machine.
An older lady next to me is asking me how to get a receipt. I told her to press the "Quit" button - and she said "No."
I smiled, confused.
She said that will just end the transaction - and she needs her reciept.
I explained that if she presses "No" - it will spit her card out and offer her a reciept - the reason she was not getting a receipt is because the machine still thinks she has more banking to do.
She than says - more than JUST a little BITCHY, snippy and condescening as if *I* am the one who doesn't know what I'm talking about: "No No No...you say I should hit quit - but that's gonna screw me out of my reciept."
HONEY - you're the one in your late sixties asking ME for help with a FUCKING ATM machine, so how am *I* the one who has no clue what he's talking about?
But - I kept my cool..
"Well..that's the only way I know how to get a receipt. ...it should work - if it doesn't, the teller can probably get you a receipt."
So she hit the dreaded "quit" button (the entire fate of her blessed receipt dangling off a tight rope over a bottomless abyss) and - WOW - low and fucking behold - a receipt printed out for her.
"Behold: THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!" - i nearly said, but continued on with my own banking, silently - expecting her to have a chuckle about it and those "Darned confusing machines".
Insetead - she tore it out of the machine and walked away.
Nice eh?
No thanks. No apology.
Again - not that she NEEDED to thank me or needed to say "sorry I was a little bitchy".
And not that I "NEEDED" to help her.
But whatever. Love being treated like a doormat when I'm just trying to be nice in the SIMPLIST way.
I'm sure had I asked her how to work the machine - and then SNAP at her - she'd tell me where to go without thinking twice - if she even bothered to help me at all.
So...I go to fucking A&P after I cash my cheque.
Oh yeah - there's more.
Again - going in - I hold the door open.
The guy seriously almost KNOCKED me down - he tore through it so fast.
"THANKS!" I said aloud as he walked away.
He either didn't hear me - or chose not to hear my sarcasm.
Cocksucker.
But..smiles. Happy places.
It's the second last day of 2005 - I didn't wanna be unhappy.
So, I'm going through the aisles of A&P - I am always self-conscious about taking up too much room with my cart so I stick to one side.
Literally - I parked my cart for not even half a second - as much time as it takes to grab a fucking cup of lipton soup mix (maybe a total of 3 seconds - AND it was out of the way for the ENTIRE clear aisle) - when this guy and his wife come barelling down the aisle - SMASH into my cart with theirs, bumping into soup cans, knocking them down - and he keeps going - glaring defiantly at me - like - had I said ONE WORD - he FOR SURE would have wanted to fight.
Even his wife or girlfriend was like "Mike....watch it.."
They were obviously fighting and were in the process of storming off to the check out counter and he thought it would be great to show his "woman" how pissed he was and how big his cock is by smashing into my cart and knocking it into the shelf.
He BASHED my fucking cart!!! For real!
I stared behind me as he stormed down the aisle, debating whether or not I should have said anything, but decided against it.
Keep in mind - EVERYTHING in this blog happened in like - the span of 7 minutes - I had JUST gotten to A&P which is in the same plaza as my bank, so I felt pretty fucking LOVED by this point.
I had it.
I fucking walked away from my cart - left it there in the aisle and drove home.
Maybe not the most grown up thing to do - but Fuck man - talk about negative FUCKING vibes out there today.
I don't get why people don't smile at everyone. For real.
That sounds hippie and stupid - but it's simple.
If everyone just smiled more or held doors more or just tried to be semi-pleasant to strangers - the world would be TEN THOUSAND times better to live in.
It's not rocket science.
It's the easiest of social politics.
Just - be nice.
That's it.
That should be a golden, universal RULE.
Politeness.
Or even just "NOt Rude".
God.
So yeah - I'm going to try to NOT let this get to me - that was the purpose of this blog - to write about it to work some of the steam off and clear my thoughts - and get on with my life, sans groceries.
Happy New Year, eh?

Two more days of 2005...I'll post my best-of list tomorrow...
hearts and farts,

dan

Radio Killed the Video Star (All We Hear is Radio Ga - Ga)

Today, I was three different personas on air.
The first - a cheesey nineteen eighties DJ promoting the living SHITE out of this happening party on New Year's Eve...
At a Bingo Hall.
The second - a depressed husband, dissatisfied with his wife's choices in holiday gifts - so his bitchy wife (played by my sweet friend Martha) decides to direct his attention to a "HUGE boxing week sale" at Monarch Basics where he can "Get everything I *Didn't* get you for Christmas."
The third - a man in a toolshop, talking about scoring a brand new "tool-stuffed prize pack" from Boss Tools.
Fantastic.
I don't know where else I could be PAID to WRITE these little mini skits - and then get to STAR in them!!!
Good god.
The new year is slowly drawing to a close and I'm starting to get a little antsy over what to do...then I realized - I have to work :(
I have to work the 93.9FM booth (yeah - that's the easy listening station) at some New Year's Eve Party from 6 pm till midnight - at which time there is supposed to be some gigantical fireworks display down at Charles Clarke Square.
While I would much prefer a not-so-quiet night at home, drinking my face off - listening to my favorite CDs of the year and spacing out on some kind of smokeable, all-natural herb - I guess working a radio booth at a party isn't the WORST thing in the world.
My heart always goes out to servers and convenience store workers on New Year's - cuz I've had to work a few in my time.
Even worse - I used to work New Year's Day.
Frequent trips to the toilet to harf my guts out peppered the day of course - and my bitch of a hangover usually forced me to wear Jackie O glasses and snap at people like Janice Dickinson - dealing with customers (who are also tired and hungover) did not a pleasant day make.
So, I'm counting my blessings and not taking a SINGLE thing for granted this year.
(insert sounds of me 'suckin it up' here).
And - I DO get off at midnight, so I can celebrate the new year with a SHAZAM, pop the champagne in 2006 and whoop it up in celebrationg that I get to sleep in come Sunday morning.
"YAY!"
At any rate -

I'm outtie here...if anyone in the area is downtown on New Year's Eve - come by the 93.9FM booth at Charles Clarke Square (where the ice rink is) and say HELLOOOOO to me - and if yer really, REALLY friendly, you'll bring me a Tim Horton's - filled with Bailey's - or an apple cider spiked with spiced rum or a warm smoothie - topped off with chocolate liqueur.

Hearts, farts and big sparkly New Year's apples...

Dan

Blog Me! Blog Me! Harder! Faster! More! More! Blog Me! Yes! Yes!...PART TWO!!

Happy full circle, brothers and sisters.
And Happy One Year Anniversary to everyone in blogville - including myself.
Christmas has faded away, the new year approaches fast on the horizon and the guy from the Dunkin Donuts commercial, dead at age 82.
Country Style Donuts in Windsor - exploded on Christmas Day.
Krispy Kream has fallen and Starbucks is barely hanging on.
Behold - a New Year.
Tim Hortons is reigning king of Donutland, and rightfully so.

An entire year to the day has come and gone since I first sat down in this very seat, listening to an album by the band Luna - and started up this little endeavor the kids nowadays are calling "Blogs".
One year ago - today.
"Not Another One of Those FUKKEN Blogs".
Yup, another one.
Another.
Since nostalgia has always been something that has caressed my cheek and twisted my scrotum simultaneously, I couldn't help but look back at last December the 28th to read what I wrote.
It was happy and sad. Bitter and Sweet. Stinky and pleasant.
Sigh. Such is nostalgia.
Not so innocent, Not such high hopes, not so cynical, not so naive, not so well written, not so humble.
Just a blog.
About - nothing.
Which - is pretty much what all blogs are about.
One year ago I was wrestling with the idea of what a blog is. What its purpose is supposed to be.
I still have no fucking clue.
Except - they are about nothing.
And everything.
Three of my favorite bloggers I only know as inhabitants of Blogville.
Mike - the first time I even heard the word "blog" was in an email from you.
Paul - Stumbled on my blog and I stumbled right back on his.
Vanessa - An optimist. Loves shoes. Hates feet. She's Insane. And Afraid of Sharks.
Hearts and farts to all three of you.
And when I say "farts" - it's a good thing...kinda like getting a funny valentine or a whoopee cushion for your birthday. Rather than harp about my own shite - I'd rather read about yours which I will continue to do as long as you keep pumping that shit out there!
And then the other bloggers. Namely friends of mine who let their inner weirdo fly out on the net for the entire world to see.
Lisa - who travelled me around the world and then transported me through a macro lens into the tiny and obscure everyday details of Toronto.
Julie - who - if nothing else - has made me wanna do a Sodoku.
Danielle - who points fingers at the finer aspects of this Shite we call Life.
Karmen - Swimming against the flow of the third wave...
Zion - schizophrenic and hilarious - with more blogs than I even have time to shake my dick at.
Life Partner. Yes. He has a blog. And no you never read it. And no - I never read it. For his - is a secret. One day - he may open up that TINY pore of Blogville for the rest of us pass-byers to see. Until that day comes...he will remain the TRUE Exile in Blogville. But - the mystery keeps me guessing.
and...last...
but not least....
(Drum ROlllll)
Mister James. The Machine. The Screen Angle. The Man. The Myth. The Lesbian. Just kidding. But what I forgot to mention - the ARTIST.
ARTISTE!
I have to say - Mister James Crabbe - you have FOR SURE (or should I say SHIZZLE) won BLOG OF THE YEAR in my humble, meaningless bloggity opinion.
Sure I knew you were "into print stuff". Sure I knew you "Kinda liked cool graphics."
I just had no idea that sitting just under the surface of my stoner, view-master revolution-startin', journalism-takin', homo-friendly-heterosexual friend...sat a graphic artist with the eyes of a mechanical reptile, pixilated and accurate making stoner shit that blows my mind even if I HAVEN'T smoked a big fattie.
My bloghat is off to you my fellow robot.
Happy Anniversary.
Happy Anniversary to anyone reading this.
Happy Anniversary Blogville.
Happy Anniversary to everyone who shared a fraction of your life with me since December 28th, 2004.
Too many to mention, but you made my year - all of you.

Hearts and farts,

Dan

What the FUCK, for real?

It looks like a Liberal organizer had a blog which made a fucking racist slur towards the wife of Jack Layton (she's asian). Apparenly he posted a picture of her (her name is Oliva Chow) and a Chow Chow (the dog) and asked the question: "Seperated at birth??"
The guy's name is Mike Klander - he's like - the president of the Liberal Party for Ontario I think...and he also stated that Jack Layton is an Asshole, Stephen Harper "Creeps people out" and cowboy hats make politicians "Look gay".
Now, I gotta give him bonus points for not hiding his fucking TRAILOR TRASH attitude at all - I think he's wrong about Jack Layton - and whether or not he meant it "just as a play on words" - it's STILL fucking RACIST - but it's his opinion and why should he hide it? Most of the fuckers we elect hide it until they are in power..then we all get a shitty surprise when we realize we've elected a fuck wad. AT least this dork gave us a warning.
And yeah. A politician in a cowboy hat is enough to make me harf up my belgian waffles. But for fuck's sake...if your party is called "LIBERAL" - don't use the word "Gay" as a negative.
Are we in grade ten here?
And if you are going to spout off your racist opinion - a smart racist politician would not fucking do it at election time when your party is LITERALLY under a microscope being SEARCHED for ANY - and i mean ANY negative flaw to highlight, magnify and expound upon.
Is he TRYING to sabatoge the Liberals??
Fuck it. Get the NDP in power. Seriously.
It's time.
At the same time - if the Conservatives even make a PEEP about this - they need to be reminded that they are OPENLY homophobic (which is the same thing as racism) and are not just making stupid blog-jokes about it -they are going to re-open the debate and try to take rights away from Canadians because they are SO UNBELIEVABLY homophobic.
I'm torn.
I want to vote Green...I want to vote NDP...I have no fucking clue who to vote for.
Yuck.
elections just make me sick to my stomach. Especially because I ESPECIALLY love the climate of Canada right now - at least Ontario - and I don't want that jeopardized by letting some fuckwad in to fuck stuff up with his own personal beliefs - which are STILL protected and which he is entitled to.
I have no problem with a church refusing to marry gays or a guy who says "In my opinion, gays are all gonna burn in hell."
Go for it dude. Opinion-yourself-away.
But leaders of a country.
I won't even get started. I just see it is a VERY simple math equasion - and I don't understand HOW you are allowed to run in this type of office when you are BLATANTLY homophobic and ADMIT you are NOT about protecting the rights of ALL Canadian citizens.
and the "What about the rights of a Christian" arguments is the biggest bullshit EVER - if anyone uses this argument - let it serve as a testament to their LOW IQ, because "What about the rights of a Christian" has been answered time and time again - Christians don't have to marry ANYONE they don't want to. All religions are PROTECTED.
Totally protected.
Okay, now i'm getting started.
I just wanted to express my upmost disgust for the Liberal Party dude - what a fucking SHAME - while I'm not impressed with some shit about the Liberals - I think something like this is WAAAY below them and i KNOW it doesn't reflect the rest of the party - but it sucks that one fucking dork is gonna mar them - and this will be used as a weapon against them no doubt.
Ugh.
Hearts and farts,

dan

Merry Hexmas

Yoko and I would like to wish all our readers a VERY happy holiday.
Yoko is going to nurse me in bed now.
My tummy is upset from opening too many presents, eating too much food and drinking too much scotch with my uncle.

Instant Karma got me.

peace, love, hearts and farts,

Dan + Yoko, 2005.

Twas the Night Before the ACTUAL Night Before Christmas (But that's still some heavy shit).

Evening Brothers and Sisters.
One year is fast approaching on the anniversary of this blog. She's creeping up slowly.
I still haven't QUITE determined what the purpose of a blog is - other than an online diary that is accessible to the world (so we slant what we put in it anyway to gear it towards an image we want to project of ourselves).
But hey - it's fucking fun.
More on blogging later in my "END OF THE YEAR REVIEW" which IPROMISE - will be coming near the end of the month.
Today - is for Hexmas.
I mean, Christmas.
I got off work early at 2:30pm - and immediately made my way towards Windsor's bustling shopping district.
Except - we don't have one.
We have downtown - and if you're in need of a nice hash pipe or some urban street wear - you're all set.
Otherwise - it's the mall. Dress like a clone! Shop at Devonshire!
So yeah - those thoughts were parading their way through my head as I turned my car around mid-traffic and drove home.
Fuck it.
I'll shop later. Tomorrow if I have to. Or even like..in a half hour.
I just needed to chill.
I made a really cool Christmas mix last night. Life Partner and I put on the our "fake fire dvd" and listened to it while we wrapped presents and constantly moved Pluto out of our way.
She likes ribbons and boxes.
A lot.
Here's the tracklisting if anyone wants some GRRREEAT xmas tunes..
1) Death Cab for Cutie - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
2) Liz Phair - White Christmas
3) Rufus and Martha Wainwright - Spotlight on Christmas
4) Ivy - Christmas time is Here
5) Eisley - The Winter Song
6) Bright Eyes - Blue Christmas
7) Pogues - Fairy Tale of New York
8) Flaming Lips - White Christmas
9) The Polyphonic Spree - Happy Xmas (War is Over)
10) The Raveonettes - The Christmas Song
11) Kate Bush - December Will be Magic Again
12) Ben Folds - Bizarre Christmas Incident
13) Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby
14) Cyndi Lauper - Early Christmas Morning
15) Lisa Loeb - Jingle Bells
16) Beach Boys - LIttle Saint Nick
17) Jill Sobule - Merry CHristmas from the Family
18) David Bowie and Bing Crosby - Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth
19) Sinead O'Connor - Silent Night

Anyway, I have TONS of shit still left to do.
MY parents and Life Partner's sister are coming over to our house tomorrow - so I gotta do a nice clean up job, buy some booze, buy pop, buy food, maybe MAKE food and yeah - finish my fucking Christmas shopping.
Nice eh?
So - this blog wasn't REALLY a blog - it was just a way for me to collect my thoughts for a minute before i venture outside and fight with shoppers, Oprah Moms and hexmas traffic...

Talk to you tomorrow..bloglanders....

Hearts and Farts,

Dan

If I Were A Surreal Life Producer...

I just finished watching the end of the Surreal Life, Season 5.
Wow.
Trainwreck Janice Dickinson.
It got me thinking though...where in the WORLD do they go next...and who the FUCK in their right mind would EVER agree to go on this show - which is pretty much geared towards making washed up or b-list celebrities (or even celebs over their hey-day) look like idiots??
Then I got thinking....
If I were producing...who would I want on the show....
(insert day dream sounds here...)
my first pick would HAVE to be none other than....

EARTHA KITT!!
Come ON! The original Cat Woman!!!! Eartha Kitt is also the original material girl, the original DIVA, the original Gold Digger and probably even the original Paris Hilton.
She lives breathes and SEEEETHES with glamour, glitz, and TACTLESS bad taste.
But dammit - we love the bitch.
She's got enough piss and vinegar in her to whip any deadbeat cast of has beens and once-were's into rip roaring shape with one single scratch of her claws and hiss of her tongue.
And she'll look DAMN sexy doing it.
She would be SO perfect on Surreal Life.
What a shame...
what a shame.

NEEEEEEEXT!!!
These two crazy mother Fuckers. David Gest and Liza Minelli. A couple would be great - but since their marriage didn't work out (what a shock! A trainwrecked alcoholic pill popping starlet - aka - the DAUGHTER OF FUCKING DOROTHY GALE - and a botoxed fag - and it DIDN'T work OUT?!?!?) - either one of these walking freak shows would be BRILLIANT on the Surreal Life. Of course, they are probably above the calibre of something like this - but oh boy - either one of these crazy suckers would make for fantastic television.
They make Mickey and Mallory, Bonnie and Clyde and the Wicked Witch of the East and the Wicked Witch of the West look like MICKEY MOUSE. I don't think there has ever been a more derranged couple.
NEEEXT:
Richard Simmons. He'd be BRILLIANT!! Even just the fact that he'd TOTALLY flame it up - you know there would ALWAYS be drama, lots of tears, crying - lots of "him getting offended" very easily...hurt feelings...
oh god..and he'd flame it up...
Ijust think he would be an absolute RIOT - and he'd probably have fun with it - but at the same time...take it a LITTLE too seriously.
And could you imagine the BITCH FIGHTS between him and Liza? Or him and David Gest? Or him and Eartha Kitt for that matter???
YIKES!!!
Get this guy on the Surreal Life -he fucking rocks, he's hilarious - he's done some DAMN GOOD shit in his time - and I think he deserves the extra money and needs to be fully piped in as an honourary CULT HERO amongst gay men and heavy people everywhere!!
I LOVE RICHARD!!!
NEEEXT!!!
Traci Lords!!!! WOOO HOOO!!
The smokin' hot tamale model-slash-actress-slash-singer-slash-socialite.
She was a famous pornstar - until she turned EIGHTEEN YEARS OF AGE and everyone realized they had been jerkin off to an underager - which IMMEDIATELY made all her porno films ILLEGAL - and by then - she was already a star making "real" films - at least - b-movies.
She put out a few weirdo albums - most noteably "One Thousand Fires" and has been seen all over town with snotty, pretentious celebs. But what the FUCK has she done since? Nothing. That's why she needs to get her ass on the Surreal Life.
NEEEEEXT:
Amanda Lepore.
She's a star.
A transexual fashion icon - this chick was born a man - but is ALL the bombshell the WORLD can handle.
Weirdest fucker out there but brilliantly beautiful - a living piece of art - for sure.
She'd be great on this show because she is known - but not known.
Very cult-ish, known in her circle - I think she'd bring a WHOLE lotta flare to the cast of the surreal life because she relishes herself in excess and over-doing it.
Celebrity just comes naturally - so why not exploit it to the BIGGEST degree possible by being on one of the most degrading over-exposure shows about celebrity EVER - and make fun of it.
Do it honey.
DO IT.

NEEEEEXT:
David Faustino.
Bud Bundy.
He's just meant for this show - cuz really - what the FUCK else is he doing right now??
He'd have the "Corey Feldman" touch to the show...the kid we all kinda thought was funky and cool when we were eleven - but look at him now and thank HIGH HEAVEN we didn't end up being stereotyped as the son of white trash named BUD BUNDY - the kid who could never get laid.
EEK.
Although...he looks semi-do-able in this pic - in his little wrestler jersey, in a white trash-but-i'll-let-ya-blow-me kinda way.
NEEEEXT:
MISS JAY from Top Model.
He'd be EXCELLENT.
I'd BE SOOOO into this season if all these people agreed to be on Surreal Life.
It'd be nothing short of Surreal.
Albeit - a little bit GAY and QUEEER - but Surreal nonetheless.
Come ON Miss Jay - you'd be FANTASTIC!!!









NEEEXT:
MASSARI!!
This "dude" is from Ottawa - a pretty boy who thinks he is the shit (his name means "money" in arabic). He is actually coming to Windsor on December 23rd and I'm hoping to snap a picture of him going into Club Meow without his makeup on and publish it in UPFRONT Magazine.
He would be perfect on Surreal Life because he is so damn high on himself - except - he's not really a STAR yet.
He just thinks he's one.
His music makes me wanna go number two on my stereo and his beard fascinates me. Watching his videos though..I can't tell who the market audience is...is it girls? Yet..there are a bunch of hot chicks wearing skimpy clothes in his vids..so..is it BOYS he wants to market? But - what kind of boy listens to this kind of crap? Is it gay guys? Hell no - cuz he's straight in the video and like I said -nude chicks everywhere....what's the deal Massari???
Get your ASS on Surreal Life and entertain mine.
NEEEEEXT:

SHANNON DOHERTY.
SHe is MADE for Surreal Life.
She's only known as two things:
1) Brenda Walsh
2) A bad ass train wrecked bitch.

All the qualities a Surreal Life Cast member needs.
She'd be great - seeing her drunk and pissed off - showing her depravity to the entire world and sharing it with the cast members (pictured above).
Tell me this wouldn't be the best damn slice of television - like - EVER....
God...I hope the producers read this and get some ideas.....




NEEEXT:

GRACE FUCKING JONES.
Those of you not familiar with Grace Jones - who isn't - she is the original WEIRDO of Studio 54.
A statuesque model - she released SEVERAl avant garde albums of the weirdest alterna-art-rock I have EVER heard (I'm talking about her WAAAILING on a guitar with weird beats in the background, squawking like a heyena and singing in vibrato with a blender in the background) she's a fashion icon, bowie-esqe, a true chameleon, has been in several movies - and she is a diva to the very core....
She would be a definite asset to a show like this - and even just as a tip of the hat - to show how much she HAS contributed to the world of avant garde fashion and art and even art rock.
I think she is a bigger influence than we know...people like Peaches, Skunk Anansie, Le Tigre, Bitch and Animal, Missy Elliot and maybe even BJORK have Miss Grace Jones to thank for taking beat queues and fashion queues from this legendary hunk of woman warrior meat. Puuuur!
NEEEXT:

GRACE SLICK.
Remember her?
The cool stoner chick singer from Jefferson Airplane and Jefferson Starship? She did more cases of drugs and more rock and rollers than ANY GROUPIE combined.
This chick was so fuckin weird - she seriously named her son "JESUS".
For real.
She went on to torch her boyfriend's house - and she's just into all kinds of crazy shit.
She's older now -but I think she'd be a BRILLIANT addition to any household - cuz this is one chick who dances to the beat of her OWN drummer and no one can tell her how to live her life or how to be, what to look like or what to do. She astounded people with her voice and then SHOCKED them with her horrifically embarassing drunken stage escapades.
But did she give a fuck? FUCK NO - she's Grace Slick! WHy would she?
But - why ISn'T she on the Surreal Life???
Look over these pics....
tell me - if this was the current cast of Surreal Life Season 6 - would you not be BLOWN AWAY and EXCITED as HELL??
I would....
*sigh*
If only I were a producer for the Surreal Life...

hearts and farts,

Dan

I'll Be the Death of Me

I decided to do a little Christmas shoppin' early this morning. I loaded myself up into Life Partner's car - he stayed home on the couch after a lil too much to drink last night at his office xmas party (remind me to tell you the story later about how he passed out in the bathroom the last night) - I had me some Patti Smith...I was REVVED up and ready to go.
My parents are tough to buy for cuz they aren't super materialistic...they just ask for the basics...sweat shirts, socks, stuff like that. So it's a challenge to try to spice shit up for them cuz they really don't care much about fancy gadgets and toys. So - I decided to get them BOTH a gift certificate to make their own wine!! It cost $130 - and includes 30 bottles, labels, all the wine, corks and they store it there till it's ready. They'll love it. Then I decided to grab them a few little side things - sweatshirts, etc...
SO yeah
I went to Wal-Mart. Kill me. I know it is absolutely HORRIBLE, they are rich bastards, they treat their workers like fucking shit and they monopolize the economy on small businesses - but fuck it.
I'm not waiting tables anymore -and let's face it - I don't have THAT MUCH money to spend 49.99 on a sweatshirt.
So yeah - guess what I found?
For my Dad - one pair of blue jeans - six pairs of the kind of socks he likes and TWO sweatshirts - a grey and a black for a GRAND TOTAL of:
$53.75.
FUCKIN' RIGHT!
My apology to EVERY single person who suffered in another country - or at Wal Mart Canada for buying and supporting the company - but hey - I'm being honest about being a hipocrit here.
Fuck - it's not like if I would have bought a 55.99 dollar sweat shirt at NIKE and it WOULDN'T have been made in a fucking sweat shop.
All consumerism in some way or another fucks with someone in some way.
So fuck it.
I was happy. I then made my way to Best Buy (I was pulling out all the stops today) to pick my sister up some DVDs I know she wants...and that's when it hit me.
*Grumble Grumble Grumble*
"OH dear god please no." I said that aloud in the car.
I have just been getting over a small 24 hour bug (in which I vomitted a total of FOURTEEN TIMES in a matter of five hours) and now - it looks like it was gonna start shooting out THE OTHER END - right in the middle of Christmas traffic.
Not good.
I immediately flicked my turn signal in the direction of home, turned down Howard Avenue (of course - the fucking street with Devonshire Mall on it -busiest street EVER on the last Saturday before Christmas) and prayed the traffic would move at a nice, even, steady flow - totally in tune to the waves my stomach was giving off.
It didn't.
Like a beacon in the distance telling me: "It's okay to shit here" - I saw the Great Tits of North America - McDonald's golden arches - and thought "WHY NOT!?!"
I shopped at Wal Mart.
Why not crap at McDonald's?
A total fair trade.
Slowly but surely, bumper to bumper I made my way towards the Great Tits and hit my turn signal.
And turned.
Except, it was one road too soon.
I ended up on a one way - helplessly having no choice but to drive AWAY from the Great Tits - and my only chance at refuge.
My stomach was doing flip flops now, punishment from Buddha for shopping at Wal-Mart perhaps.
"God damn fuckin Kabalah full of shit religious fucks," I muttered to myself, sweat beading my upper lip and brow.
I floored it and flew down Dougall - back by Wal Mart and shuddered at the HUGe amount of cars massing in.
"FUcking Robots," I Said to myself. "Shop at Wal-Mart you unoriginal bunch of robots!"
and I kept going, near blind with rage and agony, willing my bowels to keep the monster who was trying to pry my buttcheeks apart from getting out.
It was dire straits.
I flew down Ouellette avenue and saw another beacon:
CHUM.
My place of work.
And I had a key. Hardly anyone was there on Saturdays.
I immediately turned into the parking lot and jumped out of the car, fumbling with my keys...got to the door...fumbling...fumbling...
and then - the sad, SAD realization hit me:
I'm driving life partner's car.
These are Life Partner's keys.
No keys for CHUM.
NO KEYS FOR CHUM!!
I raced back to the car and started it - tore out of the parking lot and ralized I was going to have to make a run for home.
I had no other option.
I skidded in the ice, weaving in and out of traffic with the slickly oiled skill of a professional stunt driver - and that's when it hit me.
GRUMBLE GURRRGLE GUUURRRRRRRGLE.....
I was NOT going to make it home.
Another Beacon - an empty parking lot.
YES.
An empty parking lot.
In the backseat - a Mac's Milk bag and a roll of paper towels.
"you can do this danny," I said to myself. "YOu have no choice. It's shit or sink. Or explode."
I tore into the parking lot and realized just a few yards away - was a Burger King.
Not the great tits of America - but it'll do.
I flew to through the parking lot, nearly taking out a family of four and made it JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME.
Now - I'm home.
No more shopping today.
The moral of this story:
Don't shop at Wal Mart.
It ain't worth the Shit.

merry fucking christmas,

Dan

Why I am NOT voting Conservative.

I got to chat via email with the Windsor - Tecumseh candidate for the Conservative party a day or two ago. My main question was - as a conservative candidate - a member of the Conservative party - what can you tell ME - a GAY CANADIAN about the conservative party's policy on gay marriage.

As you may have heard - Mister Stephen Harper plans on bringing the entire gay marriage "debate" back into the political arena and let ALL Canadians have a "say" in whether or not men who love men or women who love women should be ALLOWED to marry their loved one.

Bullshit.

Here is his fucking answer - VERBATIM - and I hope he fucking reads this shit if he or ANYONE in the Conservative party GOOGLES themselves.

Dear Dan
First, let me state without equivocation that a Conservative government would do nothing to regress from the progressive and enlightened stance on the rights of gays or any other minority, as guaranteed by the Charter of Rights. Any statement to the contrary, is a distortion of the facts.

(DAN's COMMENTARY - Get ready guys - cuz that was the first promise he is about to break in the VERY NEXT PARAGRAPH. Not that I'm surprised. A little taken aback by his gall - but surprised. No.)

Will there be a vote in parliament on this question? Mr. Harper promised the millions of Canadians who were concerned about the undemocratic way in which the vote in parliament was conducted, that he would introduce a new vote to satisfy that concern. I believe Mr. Harper to be a man of his word, and I would not expect him to go back on it if we form a government.

(DAN'S COMMENTARY: Translation: There WILL be a vote because Stephen Harper is NOT okay with gays having the same rights as everyone else - and we ultimately want to take a step BACKWARDS and AWAY from the progressive and enlightened direction we were moving towards when gay marriage was legalized TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO)

Will it make a difference in the long run? Probably not, because the Conservative party will probably be isolated in this vote. Will it be wasteful? Yes, but so was the gun registry ($2 billion), so was the HRDC fiasco ($1 billion), so is the Adscam ($350 million), so is the TPC ($3 billion). In the case of this vote, committment is more important than cost.

(DAN'S COMMENTARY: COmmittment is more important than cost???!?!? Committment to what? Homophobia??? Nice. He just ADMITTED - in black and WHITE text that it WILL be wasteful to have yet ANOTHER FUCKING VOTE on whether or not gays can get married. Dude - it's already decided. IT IS LEGAL. Leave it alone pick your fucking battles instead of picking on a FUCKING MINORITY GROUP!! Nice eh - he's also saying "hey - other parties were wasteful - so we can waste too!" Except rather than spend it on shit like the gun registry - they are spending it on...Homphobia. Huh???!?! Does this strike ANYONE as the most ridiculous thing to come out of the mouth of a politician? First he backs the fact that Stephen Harper is a "man of his word" and "committment is more important than cost" - then goes on saying it will be "wasteful". What. The Fuck. How is this man ALLOWED to run??!?! )

These things I can confidently say for the party. My personal thoughts are that I sympathize with the millions of Canadians who regret that they did not have a say in this matter, and I think a Canadian compromise could have been made. Would I vote in favour of some new arrangement? I probably would have at that time, but now, I don't know whether it is worth the resulting rancour. I would want to know what my constituents feel, and would probably try to hear them through a town hall or some other arrangement.

(DAN's COMMENTARY - So - A) He's a robot who can't think for himself - how's that for fucking progressive. B) A Canadian Compromise???! What - gays get to have a "Committment ceremony"?? A lameoid fucking "Civil Union". No - bottom line - he is sugar coating the fact that the CONSERVATIVE PARTY HAS AN AGENDA TO MAKE TWO MEN GETTING MARRIED AN ILLEGAL THING! THIS PARTY is SERIOUSLY TRYING TO FUCKING RUIN CANADA - and the fact that it is one of the most progressive and GREATEST PLACES IN THE WORLD TO LIVE.)

Lastly, I believe it is regretful that this issue is used to tarnish the Conservative Party. You will have noticed that our party has recently announced many useful new policies that will be enacted if we are elected. These issues are what Canadians need. These are the issues, (such as lower taxation) that will help the Windsor area to weather the economic storm of plant closings. These are the alternatives to a do-nothing Liberal government, and to NDP representation which always keeps Windsor out of the decision making process. Lets vote on these issues instead.

(DAN'S COMMENTARY - What is REALLY regretful, Mr.Fuschi - is the fact that a political party is going to waste the time and money and tarnish THEIR OWN party by picking to fight a battle on a FUCKING MINORITY GROUP based SOLELY on taking away RIGHTS WE ALREADY SPENT YEARS GETTING BASHED IN THE FUCKING HEAD TO FUCKING GAIN!!!)

I have tried to be as up front as possible, even though I sense you may not be entirely satisfied with my answer. I hope you give it the proper consideration. If you wish to speak to me personally, my cell number is 965-2247, your call may give me a welcome break from knocking on doors in the cold.

Sincerely
Rick Fuschi

Okay guys - his CELL NUMBER IS 965-2247 - his email is info@voterick.com - don't vote for this fucker - if you wanna email or ask him politely why his party is choosing to pick battles with a minority group - go for it. THEY are starting this one - this shit should NOT be tolerated. Everyone you know tell them to email this fucker or call him up and tell him how disgusted you are. His ego is getting bigger by the day - and it's based on fucking bullying and using a homophobic and underlying Christian agenda to garner votes. This is almost the year 2006 - we need to tell these COCKSUCKERS that Canadians are SMARTER than that now and homophobia - no matter how fucking sugar coated - WILL NOT be tolerated.

I am SICKENED. not surprised - but sickened and my worst suspicions are confirmed because this is STRAIGHT from the horses mouth. This is not liberal propaganda - not NDP or Green Party hippy smear tactics -this is STRAIGHT from the MOUTH of a conservative.

I know I'm probably preaching to the choir out there - but seriously - if anyone you know is even CONSIDERING voting conservative - tell them that a vote for these MOTHER FUCKERS is vote that is going to send this AWESOME country straight back into the dark ages.

And yeah - this letter is being published in UPFRONT Magazine next month, just in time for elections.

The Conservative Party also just raised it's 700th sign in Windsor. People are voting for these fuckers. If this happens - we'll be joining the US in no fucking time.

Dan

XXXMas Cabaret!!

Merry Xmas, from the drunk tank.
(begin playing "Fairy Tale of New York" by the Pogues here).
Tonight - at PHOG Lounge is the XXXMas Cabaret.
It's a late night for lots of 9 to fivers (like myself) but I think it'll be worth it to get your Ghosts of Christmas Burlesque swirling and whirling around.
Get your creative juices flowing.
Get your XMAS logs...growing.
All that jazz.
Santa and Mrs. Claws will be there in fine form.
Dancing girls. Dancing boys.
Chicks doing unthinkable things with candy canes.
Seductive, lethal looking lounge singers will be taking the stage to croon out songs by Nina Simone and Etta James.
Burlesque dancers will be channelling the likes of Eartha Kitt, Gypsy Rose Lee and Betty Page and cavorting around on stage, breathing fire and ringing in the XXXMas spirit the way it was meant to be wrung in: WIth a pair of well oiled, shapely thighs and a couple of sparkly pasties.
And yeah.
There will be Little Ole Moi.
Up there reading two brand new poems. The organizer usually sees me every month when I do a poetry reading at Phog and asked if I would be interested in doing a few performanced pieces (spoken word) so I took it upon myself to write two new ones:
"The Christmas Fuck" and "New Year REVOLUTION".
Both are about the ups and downs that come with the closing of a year.
I'll be at Phog around 10pm to night to start the party. It should be really cool if you're into this sort of thing.
Personally - I smell QUITE a bit of Cheesecake Club influence in all of this..but that's just me.
Maybe I'm wrong.
But I AM excited.

See you there, perhaps...

Hearts and XXXXXX's....

Dan

Friday Night Date

I nearly forgot.
My BIG date night on Friday!!!
Julie works at the College - and she decided to treat me to her OFFICE PARTY!! With the president and all thems other peoples..there were about 22 or so people there.
Anyway - they were holding the Xmas office party at Spago's on Erie street!
I felt the Italian juices flowing through my scottish veins, put on my best cologne and was determined to make this the KICK OFF party to start me in the festive direction.
IT did NOT disappoint.
We got to Spago's (which is kinda hoity-toity, but very nice) - and Julie and I immediately ordered drinks.
She a rye and coke - myself a vodka soda.
No - I'm not doing no carbs. It just seemed like the polite thing to drink.
We took our seats and so it began.
I had about well....nine or eleven vodka sodas by the end of the night. It was all paid for so I just told the croatian waiter to "keep em flowin' like the lil' Italy canal" - and I must say - DAMN good job.
I got progressively drunker - but nothng horrific.
Bonding with a few of Julie's office friends, exchanging near-death experience stories, gossip, rumour mills, and then...the food starting coming.
Appetizers...garlic bread, anti-pasto plate - with cheese, roasted peppers, garlic, olives, delicious seafood - mussels in a marinary sauce - it was just GLORIOUS. I was almost full just on appetizers.
Then we got to order.
At that point I was kinda hammered so I totally forgot what I ordered until it came to me - and even then I STILL had no real idea what it was I had.
Apparently - some sort of Veal.
I know, Veal = bad.
But Julie and I both always resort to our friend Danielle's motto about Veal.
IT goes as such:
"I understand that Veal is bad, and, as a matter of fact - there was a long period in my life when I flat-out REFUSED to eat veal - in protest of the ways those animals are so poorly treated and abused. It's disgusting. But then - I was like 'FUCK IT, VEAL TASTES GOOOOOD!"
So - we both took a moment to remember that story - and I felt completely okay with the fact that I was dining on this poor baby cow's dead, cooked and seasoned cadaver.
And yeah - it was fucking good, so fuck it.
I also had dessert - a delicious raspberry/caramel cheesecake tort with whipped cream.
It was so good - i seriously could have pissed myself and not even realized it.
It was just like.... "Hi - I'm a baby in the womb again" comfort level.
We then partook of coffee strong enough to grow me a vagina - and I was raring to go.
Packed like a wild boar who just feasted on the small boys stranded on a desert island in Lord of the Flies - but raring to go nonetheless.
More stories with office workers.
Met a guy who was in a band who used to play Clutch Cargo's - he was nice.
Some black chick - she was nice.
This chick who is the union president - she was great.
Some funny guy with the last name france - very hilarious.
Lovely Nancy who Julie works with who I LOVE moreand more each time i meet her.
And - I must say - the night was a HIT.
I whispered to Julie that we should pretend we were rock stars. I know I did.
I pretended I was taken to this restaurant by a rich record company - who was seriously thinking about signing me - and they were wining and dining me.
It was fantastic though - the freedom of feeling like you can order ANYTHING YOU WANT because you're not paying for it.
absolutely brilliant.
It was so fun - easily my favorite hex-mas party so far - mind you - my ONLY hexmas party so far - but - this is going to be one that is TOUGH to beat because everything was so DAMN good. Being waited on hand and foot like you are the most important person in the world - being stuffed full of GREAT food - and all you can drink.
And a dessert that feels like the best orgasm of your life with each bite?
You can't beat that with a fucking baseball bat.
Seriously.

Merry Xmas to Me and Julie!!!
Now THAT was a party....

danny

The Chubby Pickle (the Fat Cock) - and my First Delve into the Wonderful World of Promotional Work

So...I did my first promo shift tonight for 89X at a dreadful bar I had never even heard of before called The Chubby Pickle. I'm guessing that's supposed to be some kind of clever reference to a cock.
Except it's not a gay bar, much to my dismay.
It was a "Downtown bar" that wasn't the Loop, Phog or any other laid-back artsy-fartsy watering hole.
However, it did offer live music - which gave me SOME hope.
So - I get to this place around 10 pm - no one is there yet - so I hung some 89X banners around, set up my lil' booth - put out my giveaways (t-shirts, a few CDs by the Gorillaz, the O.C. Soundtrack, a few DVDs, stickers, tattoos...etc..) and set up shop.
A band called Area 51 was playing - I have heard of them around town so I was kinda geeked.
Keep in mind - i NEVER go to these popular downtown "younger" bars.
So - the bar begins to fill up.
It's mainly younger 19 - 22 year olds. Not as obnoxious as I expected..but annoying all the same.
I was also sober - my first time EVER in my LIFE to be at a busy bar sober - which was an eye-opener in its own right.
Anyway - let me just say one thing:
If I were a straight, heterosexual boy - I would have gotten more pussy than a fucking TOILET SEAT.

That deserves a fuckin' sticker.

A few chicks hit on me - asked me for a t-shirt ("Um..can i have YOUR t-shirt" one girl asked me).
I declined and told her she's gonna have to settle for a bumper sticker -cuz I got BIGGER tits than she does and I have a policy that I don't show my ta-ta's in public for ANYONE.
Another chick was celebrating her 22nd birthday and I asked her friend if she liked Papa Roach and she does so I gave her a Papa Roach DVD and told her friend to say happy birthday from ME and 89X - and of course - that started it.

BIG MISTAKE.
The girl sent her friends over to ask about me, to say (for real) that she "likes" me, thinks I'm cute etc etc etc. She hung around my booth for a bit and then left after kissing me on the cheek a few times.
Another chick came up and sat on my lap while she filled out her entry ballot cuz she was too hammered to stand - she then told me that she'll be celebrating her NINETEENTH birthday in a few weeks.
YEah.
So she shouldn't have even been in there.
NICE, eh?
Born in like, fucking 1987.
I was buying the Bangles 3rd album at that time and writing fake love letters to myself but writing them from the perspective of the hottest girl in grade four - to show my friends so they'd think I was a stud.

That was the level I was at - while she was still pissing her pants and sucking milk from the teet of her rock and roll mama.
Nowl - I always thought the artsy-fartsy pretention of coffee houses had it's fill of snobs.
LEt me tell you one thing - indie snobs and underground scenesters:
Ya'll got NOTHING on the downtown crowd.
This group of sun-tanning-boothed tube top wearing collar-poppin' jailbait are too cool to even CLAP for the band.
NOt that they even DESERVED clapping. They sucked ass too. I have no CLUE what all the rage is about. They sang shit straight out of 1992 - lots of Our Lady Peace, Tragically Hip, Bon Jovi, AC/DC...shit that gets a lot of people dancing when it is played by the DJ at those kinds of bars...except..it was a live band.
I even asked a few people "Um..do they play any originals?"

They didn't answer me. I don't think they realized I was even speaking to them.

They had me for a SECOND when they did a cool cover of Pink Floyd's The Wall -but then lost me IMMEDIATELY when they covered Green Day's AMERICAN IDIOT - and they changed the lyrics.

The original lyrics say "Maybe I am the FAGGOT America!" - which is really cool. I think it rocks that Green Day has pro-queer lyrics and they are marketed to a younger audience.
HOwever, the lead singer changed it to - "I AM NOT THE FAGGOT AMERICA".

I am the only one who noticed this.

But - it bothered me - because he changed the entire CONTEXT of what that song is about and made it into something idiotic, moronic and fucking homophobic.
THe pink floyd bonus points they scored - flushed 'em down the toilet.

Chuck the Freak was there - he was nice as usual - for the most part - it was okay. It wasn't a disaster - but SHIT - I felt like an OLD fart.
Except for the fact that chicks were flinging themselves at me like panties at a Tom Jones concert.
*Sigh*
Jailbait.
I gave out all the stickers, t-shirts, CDs, tattoos...made some quick money and have an interesting blog to write. Crazy fuckers those downtown kids.

and it sucks being sober in a bar. GOD DAMN.

I pity LIfe Partner and Julie and Danielle - all those times they were sober while I got tanked off my fucking ass and shook it up on stage.
Heaven HELP ME.

FYI - there is this thing called the X-X-X Mas Cabaret coming up at Phog on Wednesday (this Wednesday) and I have been asked to write some spoken word pieces for it - and perform them as a small feature poet...should be dirty and fun.
Hope to see you all there!!

love kisses and downtown bars that suck shit,

Dan.

I heart liz

Hey.

I was reading a bunch of shit online about people hating liz phair because of her new musical direction...

as much as I agree...I hate her new musical direction...

it's pictures like THIS one here - that remind me - it will be IMPOSSIBLE for me to EVER hate Liz Phair.

Cuz she just rocks.

There's no one else like this chick - who can write songs like this chick - who is old who wants to be young who gets her finger SPOT ON the pulse of what I was thinking even though she doesn't even know me and wasn't even trying.

I love Liz Phair.

Easily - EASILY - THE coolest chick in the world.

Drunk, but stupidly emotional,

Dan

PS - I've SOOO done my time as a Liz Phair promoter and follower.
I've EARNED this blog.
Good LORd, it feels great to vent about a FANTASTIC musician.

Tis the Season to Be Swamped off my ASSS!

WOWZA brothers and sisters...

HEX-MAS sure is a busy as shit time. I didn't even start my christmas shopping yet, which is kinda freaking me out - but I can't deal with that right now.
The last few weeks have been SOOO ridiculous - it's ri-cock-ulous.
I've been writing and reading poetry shows at Phog, lining up interviews (with a local chick and one of the Go-Go's!!), updating the website, went to my parent's house to decorate for x-mas, got bombed saturday night at my house and played Cranium - went for a "twinkle tour" with my parents (where we drive around and look at Xmas lights after we polish off three bottles of wine), and - I worked not one but TWO Santa Clause Parades this weekend!
It's been absolutely NUTS. Here is me and some people from my work with Santa and his bitch. I'm the guy in the middle DIRECTLY above Mrs.Clause. She was a sweet ole lady. Santy was nice too.
I can only hope he brings me the naked Robbie Williams I asked for.
Oh well.
SO yeah. Parades kinda suck.
You get to walk in the freezing cold and hand out candy to people who think you OWE them something.
But hell - I got paid - that's the important thing. I guess there are worse ways to make money than walking in a frickin' parade!!!
It is jam packed though, my week. I haven't had a second to myself this weekend - and it's not stopping today either. Full day of work - and then off to CJAM for Girlie So Groovie.
It's pretty sad when you think "YAY! I *only* have to work 9 - 5 tomorrow!!"
Of course, there is a poetry reading tomorrow night as well at Phog which I am debating going to if I can write something funny.
Also - a friend of mine asked if I would wanna play some small guitar parts for his band. He's starting a surreal spook-country band - songs like "The Man Who Shalt Walt Disney" - etc...
Apparently they have practised several times and are kinda good....he invited me to his rehearsal to play and I MISSED IT like, three times - so I wrote him a letter saying "Hey I apologize..guess it wasn't meant to be no hard feelings I hope.."
and he wrote back saying he STILL wants me in it - and we are rehearsing Thursday night - he has my parts already just easy finger-picking parts so I was like "FUck it!??! Why not!??"
I always wanted to be in a band - and had so many chances - this is finally one I'm gonna take.
So - add more stuff to my plate. Oh well. All in fun I guess.
These promo shifts for CHUM are getting cool. They are really neat because basically - you stand at a booth - people ask me if I'm "Mike Kakuk from the morning drive" - I say "no." - give them a sticker or t-shirt and they smile and leave.
(insert sound of register opening here).
CHING!
Easy fucking money if I ever saw it.
I have to go to the Chubby Pickle (some place that apparently plays live music) on Saturday to promote 89X and then the can drive later in the week after work til 9 pm for the can drive at devonshire mall.
If anyone is looking for something different to do - come to the Chubby Pickle - I have NO CLUE if this place is good - everyone says it's ALL live music - so it's a laid back non-typical "bar crowd"...I have no clue though. It's where the old Electric Fish used to be - so that's danger territory for me. But - I have to work.
So - a support system would be nice.
Life Partner? Friends? Fellow Bloggers?
Chubby Pickle - Saturday Night after 10. Free stuff.
Insanity.
And no christmas shopping yet.
Good GOD.
Gotta run - lunch break is over.
laters,

dan

Last Night...

Saw Sinead O'Connor last night in Detroit at Saint Andrew's Hall. It was - to say the VERY least - MIND-BLOWING.
She's far better than I ever could have expected or even hoped for - and the funny thing - she didn't sing ONE SINGLE old song.
Not one.
No Mandinka.
No Emperor's New Clothes.
No Troy.
No Nothing Comares 2 U.

And still - probably the best show I've seen this year.

Sly and Robbie - the reggae guys - opened and did about a 45 min set before announcing "Sister Sinead".
I always pictured Sinead to be a bald, amazon woman-warrior.
Well - she was bald.
But amazonian - she is NOT!
She stands probably about 5'2 - maybe 5'4 TOPS.
TINY. TINY. TINY.
She's all EYES. Just a tiny body, tiny head and HUMONGOUS eyes.
So yeah - she did an ALL-REGGAE set.
During her opener - "Jah Nuh Dead" - the fucking HOUSE MUSIC was on...so for real...
here she is doing a near-acapella song to open the show - you could hear a pin-drop - except in the background you heard "92.3FM - bringing you the best motown hits from 60's - right here don't touch your dial!"
and yeah - it took the fucking IDIOTS at the dumpy Saint Andrew's Hall almost the ENTIRE song to shut the fucking thing off.
But - Sinead was laughing about it, which is good.
It made it special and it for sure set a not-so-serious, relaxed atmosphere to the show.
At any rate - she did a full reggae set - basically her ENTIRE brand new album "Throw Down Your Arms" - and then old reggae classics like River of Babylon, Jah is my Keeper and Move Out To Babylon.
It was FANTASTIC. Extremely awesome...I can't even say enough good - except that she is (in my book) EASILY one of the greatest vocalists of ALL TIME - and one of the most (if not THE) versatile people in music.
She's going to be a legend.
It's sad - because she has three things in that overshadow her INCREDIBLE talent.
1) She'll forever be known as The Girl With the Shaved Head.
2) She'll forever be known as The Girl Who Tore up a pic of the Pop.
3) The girl who sings Nothing Compares 2 U.

Which is sad - because the rest of her albums and songs and b-sides and other projects put that one to shame.
But alas...
such is the world of different strokes for different folks.
Easily one of the greatest concerts I have ever seen though - a TRUE living LEGEND if there EVER was such a thing.

*sigh*

dan