Roses Are Red...Violets are Blu...Come to Phog...and...Ga-Ga-Ga-Goo...

Evening Brothers and sisters,
Tomorrow night is yet another monthly installation of Angels and Devils: OPEN MIC and SLAM POETRY at Phog.
I'm gonna be there doing three poems (one for open mic and two for the contest) so hopefully - as many people as possible can come.

If not - no biggie. It's not a feature or anything..and in truth - if anyone was planning on coming to one - I would rather it be my feature that will take place later this winter.

I'm doing three poems though - one called "Jimmy Olsen" another called "He Can't Write" and then another one called (and this is credited to my friend Lisa) "Bad Bar Drunk, Nineteen Years Old".

Lisa came up with the term "Bad Bar Drunk" - at least I THINK it was Lisa. Lisa is the one Ihave the biggest memory of - saying Bad Bar Drunk - so I think she coined the term.
The piece itself is just about a typical night out when I first turned 19 - going to stupid downtown bars like Howl at the Moon, drinking RIDICULOUS drinks - and the chaos that insued AFTER the bar.

Hell.

The other two are about....lying when you write so people will think you are something you are not (He Can't Write) and confronting the Windsor Christian Fellowship and taking a shit in their toilet when I had to write a magazine article about them a few years back on speaking in tongues (Jimmy Olsen) - a true story I might add.

But yeah. It starts at 8:30PM - it's a great night - just seeing all those people up there - no two poems are alike - some people get up and sing - acapella - others blow my mind - some memorize (i don't!) there poems and recite them off their head.

It should be a great time - very artsy-fartsy-peace-loving vibe going on....

off to sleepy pie...

dan

Windsor Folk

I went to a show held by the Windsor Folk group tonight at McKenzie Hall.
Folk performer Allison Brown (www.allisonbrown.ca) was there - opening - and she was on my show a few months back and my dad is a huge fan so I decided to take my family!
My mom unfortunately couldn't make it (she's more of a Madonna-Le Tigre-Prince kinda person) but my Dad and sister came - so it was great.
We went to Rock Bottom first to do a little boozin' and then staggered over to McKenzie Hall.
I introduced Dad to Allison (he was thrilled) and they had a discussion about Wilf Carter.
She really is fantastic. It was just cool seeing my dad - cuz i Know he likes her SOOOO much - he literally plays her CD in his car non-stop - so he's like "a fan" for real - and knows all her songs far better than I do.
Her new album is called Everything That Shined - made up of covers and her own original tunes - worth checking out - seriously - if you like country-tinged folk songs.
She's a truely unique performer who stands out as different, on her own - maybe even a little bit lonely in her own niche - but - beautifully crafted songs - a gorgeous voice and finger picking that will turn you to jelly.
Anyway - the headliner is a guy named Jory Nash. From Toronto.
Blew. My. Mind.
Picture..someone like Remy Zero, Rufus Wainwright, Bob Dylan and...I don't know..maybe...Hayden on acoustic guitar. He told amazingly hilarious stories between songs - and then the story would link up to what his next song was about - and it was SUCH a punchline. It was such an incredible, entertaining, brilliant night of folk - i was awestruck, inspired and just flat-out blown away by this guy and his song-writing ability.
Check him out at www.JoryNash.com
The Windsor Folk club - or whatever...I don't know...
It's sad. Because folk music is usually stereotyped as "fuddy duddy". Hippy, old-timer music like You Are My Sunshine and sing-a-longs like "Down By the Bay" and "this Land is Your Land".
Of course it's so much more - but let me tell you - you'd NEVEr know it by looking at the Windsor Folk Club.
My dad is a 58 year old man - and we were STILL among the youngest people there!!!!!
They are very much a "clique" very circular...very hush-hush.
You never hear about their shit because they only promote it amongst themselves.
Now I know that's a perk of being in a club...but these people are gonna die off - and there's gonna be no damn folk scene in Windsor!!
I mean - come on - getting performers like Jory Nash and Allison Brown to play is FOR SURE a step in the right direction.
But they gotta young-it-up a bit more.
They do advertise on the CBC.
"Who in the FUCK listens to the CBC???" My dad said as we drove home.
"They need to get a fucking ad on AM 800 is what they need to do," Said my dad.
Oh dad. Trying to support where I work.
So cute!
But seriously. Branch out!
I know people wold be interested!!! Hell - i know performers would be interested!!!
But everyone there looked like they were a retired shoemaker about to piss their adult diapers and die!
Mind you - they were receptive to the music - which is a good sign.
But - I was really - VERY shocked that there weren't more university kids who are INTO folk music - especially folk music as good as this - two performers who are not even FROM Windsor.
Such is life, right?
This is just a word out though - www.windsorfolk.org - check them out - see what's going on...I might become a member - it's 25 bucks a year - just to support the damn scene! They are non-profit and they got some damn good shows that come around - a perfect alternative to going out to some stupid bar and drinking our faces off.
Shit, now I'M the one who sounds like he should be pissing his diapers and dying death-by-knitting-needle.
Regardless...just a commentary.

I'm off to get hammered.

hearts and farts,

dan

X-MAS MUSIC: OI TO THE WORLD!

It's 10:36 am - Saturday. Beer bottles scattered downstairs.
A few half-burned roaches in pop cans.
Kitty cat is snuggled up on my lap.
I'm the only one awake.
I decided to open up the blinds as WIDE as I can to let all the white light from the snow into the house and it INSTANTLY made me feel like a kid on Christmas break.
So I decided to make a list of my favorite Christmas albums of ALL time... This blog is not as long as it looks...it's just picture-plenty.
here is a list of some of my favorite Christmas albums - in no particular order:

A Christmas Gift to You...From Phil Spector. Easily my favorite Christmas Record of ALL TIME. My mom and dad had this one when I was a kid and I only recently found it last Christmas on CD. Phil Spector is a genius producer. His sound (which reminds me of motown, california-surf rock and alterna-mono-heaven that bands like Kim Deal's AMPS encompass) will FOREVER be my favorite kind of music. This record has bands like The Ronettes, Bobby Sox, The Crystals and Darlene Love doing the GREATEST versions of THE GREATEST non-religious Xmas music EVER in the world. No Christmas collection is complete without this one.

Cyndi Lauper - Merry Christmas...Have a Nice Life! - Come ON!! Cyndi Lauper doing a Christmas album!!! Not only does she do a stellar job of adding her own quirky and weirdo-pop slant to FANTASTIC classics like Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, Three Ships and a beautiful version of Silent Night - she also writes some of her OWN Christmas songs - which are as unforgettable as the classics!! Minnie and Santa is about ...someone BOINKING santa... and Christmas Conga is a MUST HAVE for any "office christmas party." This is truely a beautiful and festive album.

Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers - Once Upon A Christmas... - Dolly Parton just rocks..and Kenny's voice compliments her well. These songs are beautiful, foot-stompin hex-mas gems straight outta Dollywood. I Believe in Santa Clause makes me feel like a kid, I'll Be Home With Bells On makes me wanna square dance and Hard Candy Christmas touches my heart as much today as it did when I was ten and used to listen to this thing on repeat.

Boney M - Christmas Party - This fucker is tough to get a hold of but lucky for me - my parents had a copy of the vinyl album. This is what made me gay. Just kidding. BUt it fucking rocks. Boney M doing weirdo-b-52's-kinda Christmas disco-funk. Highlights include CHristmas Medly, Oh Come ALl Ye Faithful and Oh Christmas Tree. This is like..the ULITiMATE Christmas Party album. Gay or straight.

The Supremes - 20th Century Masters Christmas Collection - This is just one of those Christmas albums that you can't go wrong with. Each version (done by the ORIGINAL all-girl band!) sounds like the ORIGINAL version...they couldn't have done them better. This is one that grandma, mom, dad AND your indie-music snob friends will like. How can you not pay RESPECT to the Supremes. They just kick ass - lay it on the line with a little "baby-baby.." and do it with SASS!! Highlights include Silver Bells, The Little Drummer Boy and my favorite when I was a kid- Just a Lonely Christmas.

A Very Special Christmas - Various Artists - Okay...The Pointer Sisters do Santa Clause is Coming to Town, Eurythmics do Winter Wonderland, Bruce Springsteen does Merry Christmas Baby!, RUN DMC do Christmas in Hollis, and Madonna does Santa Baby. Even the U2, Sting and Bon Jovi songs are cool. This is PURE 80's nostalgia wrapped in xmas paper with a big red and gold bow. If you didn't listen to this growing up in the eighties....you probably listened to something else.

A Motown Christmas - Stevie Wonder, Jackson 5, Temptations, Smokey and the Miracles - this is another one I grew up with as a kid. The songs are beautiful - tamborine and drums - crazy cool funky vocals - it rocks. Again - this will liven up ANY xmas party.

A Classic Cartoon Christmas - Okay, this might not be the HIT of EVERY party - but - for people like me who grew up LOVING those annual Christmas animated specials like How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Frosy the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (were they puppets or claymation?!?!) - this one has all the hits. From "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" to "Silver and Gold" to the Charlie Brown Christmas song - this is for the KID in you. This is a great album to pop in if you are alone and decorating the house -that way you can sing along and no one is annoyed.

The Time-Life Treasury of Christmas: Holiday Memories - Again - a great party album. This is a classic album Time Magazine put together (cheese, i know - but dammit if they didn't compile a GREAT collection). It has Dean Martin (Let it Snow!), Nat King Cole (The Christmas song), Eva Cassidy (Its Not the Presents Under My Tree), Beach Boys (Little Saint Nick), Bing Crosby and David Bowie (Little Drummer Boy - Peace on Earth) (!!!) and even good ole Eartha Kitt doing (what else?) Santa Baby. And Yeah - the Chipmunk song is on it too for those who like it.
I don't. But - it IS a classic. I just heard it one too many times at Waitress Hell last year at the mall.

John Denver and the Muppets - A Christmas Together - If anyone EVER has any complaints about my musical tastes - my parents are COMPLETELY to blame. We used to listen to this one (my dad especially loved Kermit, while my mother had a thang for John Denver) over and over and over again. It's hilarious and funny and even a little bit nostalgic. Deck the Halls is the INSANITY that wAS the muppets, there's a big medley that explodes with We Wish You A Merry Christmas and JohnDenver's cool-as-shit voice carries our favorite muppets through other beautifully awesome christmas classics. Okay - enough kiddie music. onto the alterna rock.

Not Another XMAS Album - An Alternative Christmas - This is a cool album. Lots of alterna favorites like the Ramones (Merry Christmas I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight!), Tori Amos - (The LIttle Drummer Boy), Remy Zero (Someday at CHristmas), Everything But the GIrl (25th December), and Bif Naked doing a COOOL rockin version of I Saw MOmmy Kissing Santa Clause. It's a GREAT album for background music - for a more laid back holiday gathering. Laid back -but rocking. Just not abbraisive.

You Sleigh Me - Various Artists - Okay - this one DOES have many of the same songs as the above CD - but this one has a few exceptions. Juliana Hatfield does Make It Home - which is SOOOOO sad - it was actually featured in the Christmas episode of that show My SO Called Life - when Juliana Hatfield was ON the show - and one of my FAVORITE Christmas songs ever is on here - Jill Sobule's Merry Christmas from the Family - about a white trash family Christmas! For sure a fave in my family! Vanessa Williams, Tori Amos and Mary Karlzen are highlights too.

Maybe This Christmas Compilation - Okay. If you are a fan of WEIRD ORIGINAL styles and renditions of songs - you HAVE to get this album. There are actually three volumes and they are all on here! The BEST of indie and popular alternative acts turning our favorite Xmas songs into art-rock pieces. Phantom Planet does Winter Wonderland, Bright Eyes does Blue CHristmas, Ben Folds does Bizarre Christmas Incident, Loreena McKinnitt does Snow, Jimmy Eat World does 12/23/95 and Ron Sexsmith does Maybe This Christmas. It's fucking non-stop GREAT music. But the series gets better...

Maybe This Christmas Too? - Part "two" of the above compilation - but it gets better. Rufus Wainwright does Spotlight on Christmas, Eisley does the Winter Song, Rilo Kiley does Xmas Cake, the Be Good Tanyas do Rudy, and the Flaming Lips do White Christmas. Again - same theme as part One - but more alternative lesser known acts.

Maybe This Christmas Tree - Part "Tree" of the series. But this one - hands down - the best.
You know it's gonna be good when the Polyphonic Spree kick off the album with HAPPY XMAS (war is over), then The Raveonettes do The Christmas Song, Death Cab for Cuties does CHristmas(Baby please come home), IVY does Christmas Time is Here, Lisa Loeb does good ole Jingle Bells and Pedro the Lion does I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. A true slice off the ole alterna-ule log. FANTASTIC. If you get only ONE of these three albums - get number TREE.

The Edge of Christmas - One of my favorites - THe Fairy Tale of New York (christmas in the drunk tank) by the Pogues is on here. Not to mention QUEEN, Cocteau Twins (doing a huanting version of White Christmas), Kate Bush, the Payolas, Pat Benetar (doing Please Come Home For Christmas) and the smashing song Christmas Wrapping by the coolest new wave chicks of the early eighties - The Waitresses. Did I mention QUEEN was on this??

PuNk RoCk X-MaS - Punk rockers can have fun at hex-mas too! The Ravers, the Dickies, Fear (members of the Breeders doing the fabulous FUCK CHRISTMAS!), Pansy Division (Homo Christmas), and the Frogs ring in the Christmas spirit with Here Comes Santa's Pussy.
If that doesnt' say "The magic of christmas.." well...i just don't know what does!

Sleighed: The Other Side of Christmas - Pure fun. A little ska at some points, which annoys me - but whatever. The first song YOu Ain't Getting SHIT for Christmas by Red Peters is GREAT. Pretty much sets the trend for the whole album. Other highlights include Sonic Youth doing "Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope", Spinal Tap doing "Christmas with the Devil", The Little Drum Machine Boy by Beck - and an instant classic - "I Farted On Santa's Lap - Now Christmas is Gonna Stink for Me" by The Little Stinkers.
For real.

A Classic Rock Christmas - Christmas for the WANKERS!! Wank-art-group Styx do All I Want, Eddie Money and Ronnie Spector (of the Ronettes) do Everybody Loves Christmas - and then you got Father Guido Sarducci, Survivor (Christmas is Here) and I Believe in Santa Clause by REO Speed Wagon. Who knew?

Enya - The Christmas EP - Yeah. it's Enya. I'm a dweeb. I like her. I think her voice and songs and harmonizations with herself and instrumentations is genius and beautiful. This is an album that is MEANT to be played on Christmas eve - by the light of nothing more than the Christmas tree and some candles. This is seriously meant to be listened to in silence - it's breath-takingly beautiful. The fact that all songs are sung in traditional Irish Gaelic make these songs transcend traditional all pre-concieved notions about Chriistmas and let your imagination run wild. For real. This will make you believe - REGARDLESS if you believe in Santa, Jesus Christ or Hanuka - that even if it is only inside an INCREDIBLE VOICE like this - there is SOME magic in the air around the holidays.

Okay. You can barf now.

Anyway - I hope you liked those albums -and if you have any more that you would like to recommend - please - post them in the comments section. I love Christmas music of all kinds and I'm always looking to expand my collection.

Merry Xmas to all - it's 12:01 - so this little project just killed about an hour and 30 minutes of my life. But worth it cuz it got me in the mood.
I'm gonna wake LIfe Partner up now and see if I can convince him to pull out some X-mas lights!!

Peace, love and consumerism,

Dan

HEX-MAS PAR-TAYS

This is the invitation Life Partner designed for our annual Hex-Mas Soiree...
It's going to be held at Jeffy D's place.
I cunt wait!
We've had this "HEX-Mas" party for like, the last five years now...possibly more.
We all get together - dress up - (yeah, we're geeks) get a gift (for secret santa of course) and bring food (I don't ever bring food - i just eat it - but I'm gonna try this year) and then get really drunk and smoke pot and listen to Christmas songs and make funnies.
Someone usually ends up getting too drunk or not drunk enough and chaos insues.
Regardless - I thought the Ho-Ho-Ho of an invite that Life Partner created was rather amusing.
Last year some highlights included Karmen's fabulous mushrooms in garlic sauce (that might have been new years actually), hummous - which I can't get enough of and cheap martoonies made with vodka, vermouth and fruit juice.
Barf-o-rama!!!! But barf-o-riffically delicious!
So yeah. The big ole Hex-Mas Party 2005.
The punchline - there's only like 8 of us who do this!! I really wish more than anything my friends from abroad could come down and be in on it too...but...TO is a far long ways away...and Calgary is even further away... so it is an impossibility.

On that note - I'm outta here.

Sinead O'Connor in less than a week!

and...

I gotta start compiling my "Best albums of the year list for this blog"

AND!!

My one year anniversary of THIS BLOG is fast approaching.
Gonna be an extra SPECIAL blog entry that day!!

hearts and farts,

dan

Girlie So....GO-GO?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Fun news!!!
Big exciting fun news...!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Kathy Valentine - the FUCKING BASS PLAYER of The Go-Go's will be doing an interview with YOURS TRULY for GIRLIE SO GROOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's pictured here with the rest of the Go-Go's - she's the one second from the left in the sleeve-less shirt between Charlotte Caffey and Belinda Carlisle.

The weird part: Her management contacted ME!! I have no idea how or why - I am guessing through the website - and they emailed me this morning asking if I would play her solo CD (Light Years) on the show and if I would be interested in doing an interview!!

I was like....Um. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So - we're working out a date - but it will be in the VERY near future - like, probably next two weeks or so.

You can check out Kathy at www.gogos.com or www.kathyvalentine.com

She's cool.
But honestly - to have a Go-Go on my show is like...a fucking small dream come true. THis is one of my favorite bands EVER!!! I grew up listening to them!! I have a thousand questions to ask her - stuff about the Bangles even!! Currently - I heard Vicki Peterson - of the Bangles is playing guitar with her on her solo gigs.
DROOOOOOOOOOOOOL.

It's just a shocker. A fucking Go-Go!
I've been singing "We Got the Beat" and "Our Lips are Sealed" allllll day long!
what a dream.

To celebrate - I'm going to go to the Loop tonight to "woop" it up with friends and some people from work. So that's sort of exciting. Even though I do like quiet nights at home - but fuck it - this is in honour of the Go-Go's and Kathy Valentine!!

I'm just so unbelievably excited -it's not even funnnny.

I'll keep everyone posted...
hearts, farts and...darts...

dan

PS

i just read my post below and it dawned on me:

I'm drunk.

hearts and farts,
dan

X-Mas List

I was inspired by reading Paul's blog about what he wanted for Xmas - and decided to publish my own XMas list - online in my bloggity-blog.

1) New pillows. - New pillows just rock. So cozy, so comfy, so squisy. A new pillow is kinda like...getting a new friend for LIFE.
2) New bathrobe. I love my bathrobe - but I'm in dire need of a new one. A big, luxurious, cozy bathrobe...something I can throw on - no no...DRAPE ON - and just disappear into. I want a "champagne drinking bathrobe" - Eva Gabore style.
3) Natural Born Killers DVD. I own THREE different versions of this flick on video cassette.
On DVD - not a fucking one. It's time I change that. It's my favorite movie.
4) TONS of cool candles. For real - this sounds like the cheesiest gift ever - but no word of a lie - I FUCKING LOVE candles. Life Partner and I are almost out. I want thick - fat, juicey, coloured or not coloured slow-burning no-drip candles for the house.
5) New undies. What is Xmas without new boxer shorts to enjoy?
6) Mix tapes from friends. - All my friends - make me a mix tape of your favorite songs for real. I want them.
7) More Thierry Mugler "COLOGNE". the green stuff. I love it.
8) a nice notebook to write in
9) THE ROSE (w/ bette midler) on DVD.
10) New work pants - chords or any other non-jean.
11) a six pack of beer.
11a) a PRANK subscription to COLUMBIA house. Where someone signs me up - and i have no idea who you are - or what CDs you are going to send me - but i get 12 CDs sent to my house.
oh my god - i would SOOO love that. any 12 CDs you want -remember -t hey are free....
so i won't have to pay for them. everyone knows you NEVER have to pay for columbia house. you just say "i didn't sign up" and they bitch and call -but can't do shit. i worked in a collection service before. they can't do SHIT.
14) a bottle of maria christina red wine
12.) anything someone sees and thinks "Dan would like that."
I'll take it. I love that kind of shit.
as long as youcan justify it - i'll love it forever.
I promise.

hearts and farts,
danny

The Great White Cotton Candy Tornado of August, 1998.

It's about 7:50 pm - there was this big storm watch on.
Supposedly winds were/are supposed to go from 60/km - 90/km an hour.
THen - the storm watch was updated to a TORNADO warning!!!
All I can say:
YES!!!
Life Partner and I just finished a nice big plate of Indian Food (See yesterday's post).
And yeah - i just had a diarrhea attack.
No lie.
But - all better now.
I am currently writing a poem for SLAM night (not this Thursday - but the next) called "Whiney Faggot" -my first EVER "Gay Poem" - but it needs some work.
I'll keep everyone posted how it comes out.
At any rate - there's ELECTRICTY in the air tonight..I can feel it.
Hell - I can SEE IT! Some crazy lightening by my house!
NO winds yet. And no tornado.
But I can hope.
As long as it doesn't hit our house. I'd just like to see one though.
Reminds me of a story from a few years back
....Gather round brothers and sisters...
My friend Zion and I think we saw a tornado once.
For real.
It was 1998 - we were getting beer - it was August - we were at the beer store - and then decided to go and visit our friend at Canadian Tire (it was about 2 pm in the afternoon).
So - on our way to Canadian Tire - I looked at the sky and I was like: "Yikes...it's getting really REALLY dark.."
and it was. SOOO dark.
Then - it was getting like....green-black.
Everything was a weird colour.
Oranges looked brown.
Greens looked black.
It was just weird.
Then - half the sky was like - BLEACH - NEON white - and the other half - the darkest, blackest, most vile deep green-green-green-so-green-it-is-black - and you could SEE the clouds swirling - some going fast - some going slow.
It looked like the sky was a big vat of toxic tar.
So I was like "Maybe we should skip Canadian Tire and head home..this looks kinda bad..."
So we turned around and started driving back to his place.
Anyone who was on the road - walking - was either running for cover, or staring at the sky with a worried look.
Garbage and shit was blowing everywhere, but the trees weren't moving.
The sky was still - like - MOLTEN MOVEMENT of clouds - black clouds.
So i was kinda worried....my foot got a little bit heavier on the gas.
We had to stop at a red light near Huron Line and...maybe...College?
Anyway - somethign caught my eye in the black clouds:
This BIG - swirling LUMP of cotton.
HUGE - spinning - it looked like a lump of spinning cotton candy - on a stick.
For real.
The second I saw it - I got goosebumps and immediately looked away and didn't even SAY anythign to Ian because i was soo afraid - and didn't want to justify my terror by having him freak out on me.
I kept kind of doing half looks out of the corners of my eye at it.
This big GIGANTIC thing - like a cotton poker - coming down from a big lump of WHITE cotton candyy in the sky...spinning slowly, whether I was looking or not.
It was just there, forming, moving.
Fucking HUGE - powerful - connected to...I don't know...MOther Nature...Outer SPace...the BLACKEST clouds I have ever seen.
I couldn't look though - I was trying to pretend I didn't even see it.
So i stared straight - literally DRENCHED in sweat - and waited for the light to turn - literally ready to gun it.
Then Ian grabbed my arm and said "DAN!! DAN!! LOOK!!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!! LOOK!!! LOOOK!!" and he was pointed towards the direction where I saw the ...."THING" in the sky.
and I was like "No. I'm not looking...It's fine. We're fine. I'm not looking..."
and he was like "OH MY FUCKING GOD!"
And it seemed like he was for real - genuinely SCARED - and that was when I got scared and I was like thinking - "oh my god. what if the fucking car gets flipped?? We're fucked!"
I then noticed the streets were EMTPY.
Literally - it was like a nightmare in slow motion. Cars were pulling off the road.
NOw this sounds dumb - but at the BIGGEST HEIGHT of what was almost a panic attack on my part - I saw this BIG CHUNKY SPLASH of a raindrop land smack dab in the middle of my windsheild.
It was so weird.
Just - ker-plunk.
And part of me was just like "THANK GOD."
Don't ask why it was comforting.
And this sounds artsy-fartsy stupid - but it was just like FOR A SECOND that big splash of a drop (that was the ONLY raindrop we saw that afternoon) was like someone saying "don't even worry - everything is fine."
and then the light turned green and I gunned it and I wheeled down his street (which was now empty and debris was blowing everywhere) and parked in his drive way.
I immediately RAN from the car to his porch and turned.
I cracked a bit of a smile when I saw Ian (Zion) coming from my car - running actualy- holding the case of beer - with his keyes in his hand.
"Thank GOD he got the fucking beer..." i thought to myself while eyeing the sky.
So we went into his basement JUST as the power went out - and everything went PITCH BLACK - like night.
And we drank beer - trying to get as hammered as we could like it was the last night we would EVER be alive.
The last August afternoon anyway.
ANd we had many before - so this one had to be a good one.
ANd it was. It was apocalypitic and chaotic.
Hilarious and drunken, slurred and PURE summertime and when we got drunk enough we staggered up the stairs out of the basement and sat on his front porch to watch the storm.
And no tornado ever came.
And we didn't die.
But that was one of the last afternoons we drank beer together on that porch, regardless.

Zion moved away to MIssisauga shortly after.

Wow. Didn't even taste the Jesus Juice yet - and already a sappy story.

But - a good one. Whether we saw a tornado or not - it sure felt like it.
Apocalyptic and chaotic. Drunk and hilarious.
*sigh*
Both the same I guess.

There were reports the next day about a "brief cyclone formation" from the EC Row Expressway - but no actual touch downs reported.

Go figure.

hearts, farts and cyclones taking Life Partner away to the Wonderful Land of OZ!!!

dan

I Wish I was an Indian.

Just when you thought I was playing the whole "Indie" thing up as much as I possibly can - I gotta drop this little bomb on everyone.

I am obsessed with Indian Food.

Undeniably, incurably, uncontrollably infatuated, in love, in lust in CONSTANT CRAVING for tandoori chicken, curry lamb, butter chicken, Naan, lamb gravy, Tikka Missala, Chappati...oh god.

Just give me heaps and piles of yellow, red and orange goop on my plate - I don't even care what it is - i'll mix it all up and dip my bread in and just eat like it was going out of style.

Life Partner and I no longer even use the term "going out to eat".
There ARE no other restaurants we care to go to.
Give me India Palace or Curry House or Taj Mahal all you can eat Indian Buffet.
We say "wanna get Indian tonight". Not "Wanna go out to eat tonight."
We had to convince ourselves NOT to get Indian tonight (at 10:30p.m.).
Mind you - half the time I am asking for trouble by getting Indian food.
WE usually end up driving home - with me commanding Life Partner to step on the gas - full pedal to the medal while I baist in my own sweat and clutch my stomach - as the throes of diarrhea consume my body.
But dammit, it's worth it.

I just adore Indian Food oh so much.

had to share,

hearts and farts.
dan

Rich "Tough" Big Bullies

You know what is the SECOND most annoying thing about pop culture right now, aside from the whole "Who is the 'hottest' party-girl trainwreck" game the media has been playing for FAAR too long?
This whole "I'm a tough guy" big bully bullshit.
Eminem.
This little skinny white runt from fucking Detroit whose 1 short step up from Vanilla Ice who always tries to portray how "angry" he is at the world and how tough and hard and "street" he is.
Then I read this:
Eminem's publicist, Lauren Burns, announced that Eminem is "in the hospital under doctors' care. He is being treated for dependency on sleep medication."

Um. Can I just say one thing:
PUSSY!!!!
Poor baby can't sleep with out his wittle jar of red pills.
What - are we fucking VALLEY OF THE DOLLS HERE?!??!?!
I thought REAL thugs did crack and smoked weed or shot heroin.
Billie Holiday, Courtney Love, Ray Charles, Kelley Deal - those are the REAL hard asses.
I though real hard asses did crystal meth and partied it up - rapping their heart out on stage while that same heart pumped speed throught their veins - then they ended the show by plowing back bottles of malt liquor and taking twelve hot tweeny boppers up to their hotel rooms to snort blow off their labias and fuck the shit out of them.
THOSE are the kind of bad ass mother fuckers who go to rehab.
But no.
Little Marshall Mathers the Third has a little wee bit of a sleeping pill problem straight out of desperate housewives and can't get his full 12 hours of beauty rest unless he pops one.
SO he's in rehab learning...how to SLEEP???
Yep. Sounds about as "street-tough" as you can get.
I wonder if Liz Taylor and Michael Jackson have rooms next to him?
Why - he's right up there with other hard-ass junkies like Liza Minelli and Marilyn Monroe.
Fuck - Whitney Houston is more "bad ass" than he is.
Maybe i'm just sick of hearing him yap-yappity-yap-yap about how rough his life has been.
And how - apparently - the fact that he had some heartache related to being poor and having trouble with his perhaps mentally-unstable mother - gives him the right to bash everyone else and throw little fucking temper tantrums.
Grow up. Seriously.
Why are we still swallowing this bullshit and giving this guy OUR money???

Then - fucking 50 Cent.
Like Eminem - took himself out of a bad, broke-ass, poor situation.
Good for him. Good for Eminem.
But the point is - YOU TOOK YOURSELF OUT OF IT.
Quit acting like a piece of fucking uneducated trash by saying STUPID shit like "I ain't into FAGGOTS" in fucking Playboy Magazine.
Is that supposed to make you look "street"? Or tough? or like more of a man?
Are your fans gonna think "Yup. He sure is cool."
Cuz you're a big matcho hetero sexual thug who was shot a bunch of times -and just to prove how fucking big your gigantic cock is - you make it damn clear that you "ain't into faggots".
Oh but it gets better:
"I don't like gay people around me, because I'm not comfortable with what their thoughts are." 50 FUCKING CENT said to Playboy Magazine. "I'm not prejudiced. I just don't go with gay people and kick it - we don't have that much in common. I'd rather hang out with a straight dude. But women who like women, that's cool."
Of course that is. Because women are just sex toys and seeing them go pussy to pussy gets you off. So that's cool. It's all cool. Fucking STUPID DUMB FUCK.
AND - of COURSE he's not prejudice.
How would ANYONE ever assume something so ridiculous!
Oh.
But it gets better.
"This is as honest as I could possibly be with you. When people become celebrities they change the way they speak. But my conversation with you is exactly the way I would have a conversation on the street. We refer to gay people as faggots, as homos. It could be disrespectful, but that's the facts."
Well - if "street" means uneducated, mis-represented, jaded and flat-out FUCKED UP in the head - I guess he has a point.
I know that perhaps people in poor areas who are not given the luxuries that others are - like fucking proper education - and are stuffed into ghettos and poor areas - a lot of this ignorance stuff goes hand-in-hand.
After all - The reason "red necks" are "red necks" is because they never got out of grade one.
So they're stupid red necks. It's sad.
The reason there is so much homophobia and racism towards blacks - is because of mis-education or no education.
I think it is for the very same reason - the racism towards blacks and society not giving a fucking SHIT about them - is why there is so much rampant (and acceptable) homophobia amongst gangster rappers.
All white people want from black people is their money. In turn -whites give them guns and drugs and take their money to keep them broke ass and force them into a life of crime so they can be stereotyped by the media as nothing but gunloving, drug addicted criminal gang bangers.
It's horrifick.
But here is 50 Cent - bling-blinged up wearing more Diamonds than fucking LIBERACE - and he's blatantly admitting he still hasn't educated himself on SIMPLE EASY TO FUCKING DIGEST things like "In life - there are straight people AND gay people and that's NORMAL."
What a fucking dumb ass mother fucking idiot.
I'm all for freedom of speech -and I'm GLADD he has the right to say that shit.
But people need to wake the fuck up.
He's not a fucking gangster/hero.
He's a fucking DORK.
A homophobic RICH RICH RICH RICH WIMP who has body guards and someone who is paid to put eyeliner on him and cover up on his pimples - and he's a fucking MORON to top it off.
I wish someone with some balls - some really fucking COOL person in the industry would just fucking KNOCK their fucking block off.
Why doesnt fucking Chuck D from Public Enemy or ICE Cube or someone with some seniority on him - SOMEONE who has HALF a fucking brain when it comes to issues like this0 step up and say: "DUDE - you're a MOTHER. FUCKING. IDIOT. Grow up."
50 Cent running around with guns - bitching about how hard his life used to be.
I bet it was hard. I bet EVERYONE's life is hard.
But you move on. In some cases you get rich.
So SHOW how you got out of where you were and how you ROSE above all that shit.
I just don't get how saying HOMOPHOBIC shit isn't "embarassing" yet.
That should be tacky and uncalled for.
Up next - the Terminator fucking Arnold Schwarznegger.
Mr Schwarzenegger has been more than open about gay marriage being "an imminent risk to civil order".
What a disappointment.
What a bomb.
He was so cool when I was a kid. The Terminator rocked.
Predator was the shit.
Commando was my fucking hero.
ANd the outcome - he's a homophobic polititian????!?!
A big, rich, bully against gays and immigrants (note his American accent).
What a disgrace.
At least the majority of the population can see this though.
A big fucking bully. Nothing more.
I can't WAIT until the day when it is COMPLETELY TACKY to say gay shit - ESPECIALLY if you are a politician.
I can't wait for the day when saying something like that will not only get you a little bit of bad press - but it will get you FIRED.
Why is his ass is not booted the FUCK out of there?!?! For real??
FIRE HIM. GET HIM THE FUCK OUT!
It's so frustrating. I never think about it.
Maybe I do live in la-la land and I never think about homophobia because I just HAPPEN to be surrounded by the coolest people in the world - gay and straight - and each one just flat out rock.
Then I read this shit. Thank god I live in Canada - is all I have to say.
I could not even IMAGINE anymore what it would be like having someone like the fucking Terminator for a governor or fucking Bush for a president.
What a nightmare.
I just don't get it.
People see Arnold, 50 Cent and Eminem and think "tough guys".
I think fucking little SHITS.
Boy bands. Glamorama. Sensationalization of homophobia.
How the FUCK - in 2005 - is that still cool???

Lesbanominal Factors and Dykeotomies of Music

How do I write this blog without sounding like a dumbass?
You know - it's probably impossible.
I'm a dumbass.
So I'm gonna write it, throw my caution away like a fart in the wind and expose myself as the dumbass I can be.
Let's talk about "Lesbian bands", for a minute.
Now - I am NOT talking about Indigo Girls or Kaia or Phranc orLesbians On Ecstasy or Sarah Dougher or Team Dresch or anyone like that.
I'm talking about that little batch of "lesbians.." who all of a sudden "weren't exactly" (as) lesbian-ish anymore.
First and foremost - Tegan and Sara.
Now - when they first kinda broke out big in like - whenever 1997 or something - all I heard about was "this new, lesbian folk duo who is one part indigo girls - one part ani difranco (more on her later) and they are both queer and gay and they look like two cute little boys and they are lesbian twins."
Boom.
All they did (aside from sound like Ani DiFranco) or at least - HOW THEY WERE MARKETED was to show that they were a gay band.
All the lesbians flocked like Fags to an Erasure show.
They had a following. They had a scene. And good for them.
Two butchie chicks wailing and harmonizing and strumming about the woes of girl-on-girlie action.
They just had the folk-rocky “women’s music” sound, the Womyn’s Music Festival-style folk singers. When they first came out - they sounded like two talented but very young lesbian folksingers raised in Canada, trying to fit in.
Then. They got a bit more famous.
Their hair got longer.
A lot more make-up was applied.
And then - EVEN a little bit of female-artist bashing:
“There are only a few female acts that have ever really impacted me the way male acts have,” Tegan said in an interview. “It feels like women are writing for women only, and I don’t connect the same way. Then there’s this whole other scene of women’s music like Sarah McLachlan...Thre's just been so much more male-written music that I’ve connected to.”
Fuckin' Twit. So women only make music so they can preach to other women. Heaven forbid they should be taken SERIOUSLY as song-writers, performers, musicians, right? Yeah - you can "get women" if you ARE a woman. Otherwise -there really isn't much use for them on the radio or in the recording studio, is there?
Now -I know she didn't MEAN it like that. But fuck - that's BASICALLY what she is saying.
...one minute they are "schooled in the lesbian folk chick-rock girl-power university of Ani DiFranco...the next they trade in their pride necklaces and short hair for bracelts, skirts, frosted lipstick and designer clothes.
Now - I am not about to comment on EITHER of these women's (and fine musicians) sexuality.
I have no idea - I hear they are gay and then I hear they aren't gay and then I hear they are sitting on the fence and not quite sure...
But I know this much - the wave they rode in on had a big PINK triangle on it - and since they became a mainstream band and could afford to graduate away from the lesbian folk scene - that wave has receded back out to a very obscure sea and Tegan and Sara are more popular (and not QUITE as gay) as they used to be.
They Kinda caught the tail end of "trendy to be queer" and played it up as best they could - and good for them for doing so...things that make ya go Hmmm... I think they ARE gay. And cool.
Ahhhh yes.
And then there is tAtU - the Russian "lesbian" duo.
Remember the video which featured the two chicks, in the pouring rain making out in school girl uniforms?
The most "shocking" thing about the video was the fact that *Gasp!* two CHICKS made out!!!
What a freak show!
It soon leaked out that the two were NOT actually a couple.
They weren't a gay band - they were just using the "lesbian male-fantasy" - (which is also used to sell supposedly "STRAIGHT" pornography) to sell their music (which was catchy - but nothing Lindsay Lohan couldn't do).
The faux-lesbos of TATU however claimed their relationship was INDEED the real deal and they ARE dykes.
Yeah. Right. And those are REALLy your Catholic School Uniforms too, right? Who designed them? Whoopi Goldberg?
Then - weeks later - they actually apologized for what they now admit was "a publicity stunt", promised to NEVER do something like that again and fired their manager for talking them into pretending to be something they were not.
Now if that isn't offensive or exploitive to real lesbians, I don't know what is. I mean yeah - music is a business now - I believe it was Tegan and Sara themselves who had an album out called "THIS BUSINESS OF ART" - but fuck.
Riding the lesbian cash-cow. That's what I call it.
TATU - after "coming out" as heterosexuals - took a nice dusty spot in the BACK of the 'one-hit-wonder' closet.
Last but not least - easily one of the most innovative folk rockers EVER - Mister Ani DiFranco.
Now - I know she always went the "sexuallly ambiguous route" but come on.
For a minute in the mid-ninties she was the "SHIT" in the world of dyke-folk. She even beat the Indigo Girls.
Lesbians swooned. She appeared on "LESBIAN ARTISTS COMPILATION" CDs (I own three that she appears on). She had songs about how she was taught from the beginning her being "different" was wrong. Songs about going down on women, going home with chicks and falling endlessly, helplessly in love with women. She was a lesbian-folker's dream come true! There was nothing straight about her.
Then - she got married to a GUY!
Married to a man!!
A) - SHE GOT MARRIED!
B) - to a MAN!!!
For someone who always claimed to "challenge the system" and someone who CERTAINLy got to where she is by surfing over a wave of plaid-wearing, butch-hair-cut-having lesbian diesle dykes...marrying a man CERTAINLY states she wasn't what we all thought.
Maybe it was our fault for assuming.
What - a girl gets a nose ring, sings about non-sexism and wears plaid shirts and kick-shitter-boots and she's automatically labelled a dyke?
Shame on us.
But hell - that's not entirely the case.
She rode that same lesbian wave - and if anyone can recall - she was QUITE the dyke for a while in the mid-nineties, although that line has been blurred because she is SOOO damn poetic.
But to support an institution like MARRIAGE (especially in a country where gay marriage is not even legal) is not only twitty and annoying and hypocritical - but to marry a man....WHOA!
Honey - were you ever a dyke?
or did you change?
What the fuck is that saying to masses (who are sometimes asses) who say "it's a choice. You can totally change."
Apparently - if you're Ani DiFranco - you can.
Yeah - she's bisexual. She's not a big gay-bashing bitch.
But - she's not the "DYKE" she led everyone to believe either.
Mind you - her music is phenomenal - she totally rocks and I could care less if she fucks a cow, cock or moose - as long as she keeps playing great music.
Remember - the goal with this blog is to make myself look like a dumb ass.
I'm just pondering.

Consider this just an out-loud daydream. I didn't censor myself at all - i just wrote what i thought...what do you guys n gals think?

Wondering if some of these artists MIGHT have rode the lesbian-cash-cow, lesbian/chic trend that was pretty popular for a while....?
As far as aritstry - Tegan and Sara and ANi are ALLL good in my book.
It's just funny how things change....

what were once bull-dykes...are now.... hetero housewives????

Feel free to bash me...I can take it.
What do ya'll lesbian-lovah's think????

Dan

Confessions

Been listening to Madonna's Confessions on a Dancefloor for the last two weeks and I'm in love with it - and I hate clubby, dance music. But it's great. SOOOOO classic Madonna.
I especially like "Jump", "I Love New York" and "Future Lovers" and "Sorry".
Anyway, she's doing this campaign right now - where you call a number to confess your sins or something...so I decided to confess a few myself - on this blog.

Warning - these are HORRIBLE and SHOCKING and I honestly don't know if I've ever told ANYONE any of these - but I know I've probably lied about them.

- I've never seen TOP GUN.
- I've never watched a single episode of DEGRASSI HIGH (or Degrassi Jr. High or Degrassi Reunion).
- Never watched Head of the Class - not a single episode.
- Never saw Mr. Belvedere (not once).
- Never watched Webster.
- Never saw a Monty Python movie. (I know I'm missing out).
- I can't name a SINGLE Barbara Streisand song. Seriously - she's so well known - what the FUCK does this woman sing?? Does she even HAVE a "greatest hit" out there???
- Never saw a single episode of Sex in the City.
- Only ever saw like...maybe one or two episodes of Seinfeld.
- Maybe ....tops - five episodes of the Simpsons.
- The only Dr.Seusse book I ever read - is Green Eggs and Ham. That's right. Never read Cat in the Hat. I used to stare at the kids in my class when they were talking about this 'cat in the hat' like they were fucking aliens.
- The first "ALIEN" movie....never saw the whole thing straight through - even though I claim the Aliens trilogy to be among my favorite movies (which they are - but still...)
- I prefer Superman I and Superman II to the first Tim Burton Batman movie. So help me god, I do. I try to like Batman better - but fuck that. Superman just rocks.
- Never saw a single episode of Duck Tails.
- I NEVER liked Mickey Mouse - I thought he was easily the shittiest character out of all the Disney Characters.
and the doozy of them all:
- When I was like, 6 I crapped in my backyard and blamed it on this kid I hated and my dad yelled at him while I gloated.

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

dan
-

The Joy of Showgirls...

Sad to say - one of my favorite movies of all time, is Showgirls.
Yes - it is horrifically sexist, poorly written, exploitive and the acting sucks shite.
But.
There is something SO...endearing about it.
It's one of those movies that if it's on - I HAVE to watch it to the end.
I can do without the graphic rape scene - but hell - the movie is just PURE trash - it crosses the line on so many levels without even TRYING to cross any lines.
It's like...the shit that John Waters DREAMED of doing - the ultimate in bad taste - except they weren't even GOING for that.
It was just unbelievably AWFUL - it turned into what I think is a pretty cool piece of pop art - an exercise in awful, horrible, exploitive, bad taste.
I saw this movie at the movie theatre when it came out - and people were just - laughing HYSTERICALLY at the screen - screaming things - it was like an instant cult classic. I myself was one of the people yelling shit with people - I went with my friend Dawn (remember, one of my first Vagina Monologues?)
It's such a fun movie. Brand new Prince songs, David Bowie - Liz Berkley from Saved by the Bell....good Lord!
Her, playing with her nipples and masturbating, making out with Gina Gershon...oh boy.
The best is when she takes her top off and her nipples are an OBVIOUSLY unnatural shade of red.
"What the FUCK?!?!" I yelled out at the movie screen when I first saw it - and the crowd chuckled.
Just - totally FUCKED.
If you watch this flick stoned - I swear to god - there is an underlying plot.
Liz Berkley's character is a TOTAL lesbian, who has a passion for dancing.
She ran away from home because she wasn't accepted there (as a dyke) and went to Vegas.
All the men she fucks in the movie - are TOTALLY for her own advancement in her career or to make money.
The only people she TRUELY loves are women. THe only ones she REALLY wants to fuck (who could be detrimental to her) are women!
Including her black roomate (who gets raped).
In the first scene when they are sitting together on the patio and the black girl asks "Nomi Malone" to move in with her...the sexual tension is INSANE.
It's just so blatantly obvious that she is a dyke. I don't even think the director's realized it!

Anyway, I had to give a tip of my hat to this film - often regarded as just a stupid b-movie..i think it is a FINE study of true glamour-trash film.

Other "tip of the hats" to supposedly SHITE films that I can't get enough of:
Higher Learning - with Kristy Swanson and Tyra Banks and Michael Rappaport. About the adventures of a university chick who likes Liz Phair (they play her song like five times in the movie!! and it's a weird, random rare song!) and Eve's Plum - who is actually IN the movie and her experiments with lesbianism and racist shit...every University stereotype you can think of is in this movie. It's absolutely HILARIOUS.

The other - Poetic Justice with Janet Jackson.
God. Fucking. Awful. Tupac Shakur should be ashamed of himself and Janet Jackson's bum is just irresistible.
"You wanna smell my poo-nanny?"
IF that isn't an INSTANT classic line - I don't know what is.
Horrifically stereotypical and at times - down right RACIST towards black people (even though it wasn't trying to be) - it's just another entertaining piece of train wreck that is MEANT for nights when you invite friends over to get stoned, eat potato chips and watch flicks.
"Gimme some Ju-Ju-Beez!"
God bless ya, Janet.

Last one - DREAMCATCHER, based on story by Stephen King.
For real - this is so bad - it hurts like a hangover. It's supposed to be sci-fi-horror - but it's about winter cabin campers - FARTING AND SHITTING out ALIENS!!!
For real!! But it's TOTALLy not a spoof! it's supposed to be serious and creepy!
But the whole time - it's like, Jason Lee and a cool cast - constantly asking "who farted?" "Holy shit...do you smell that?"
and then - BOOOM! Aliens ripping out of people's ASSES!!!!!
The kicker - Donnie Wahlberg (from New Kids on the Block) Plays a RETARDED guy and his "retard voice" is so embarassingly bad - I wanted to screw him - just for trying so hard.
Seriously - if you haven't seen this FUCKED up movie - do yourself a favour and rent it.
But - beware the farts!
anyway - gotta run..
B-Movies rock. But these movies all have something in common - they take themselves VERY seriously. Which makes it all the more funny.
I gotta run...
Bye for now,
hearts and farts,
dan

Cannibalizing Jenny and other stories

Man...
I love my job to no end...but working a steady nine to five doing something i love so much makes it tough to get on the internet and blog my heart out, like back in the golden days.
Not that I'm complaining. It's just tough.
Updating the www.girliesogroovie.com website takes lots of time too.
Which reminds me - if anyone is interested in donating to a good cause www.cjam.ca - they are taking pledges all week. Ten bucks.
Twenty bucks.
It seriously is a good cause.
No one gets paid there - it's all just programmers doing what they love and they want to increase the signal and help out the website (which is in DIRE fucking need of help).
So - if anyone is feeling generous... www.cjam.ca - click the "make a donation" button and go nuts :)
Sorry - had to do my part. It's pledge drive week.

Halloween was nice and mellow. I did my radio show and called it "Ghoulie so Grooooovie" - Faust and Karm stopped by as Mafia Killaz and drunken hollywood starlets.
Then Jeffy D came by - we drank some "blood" (red wine) and played guitars and relaxed.

The job kicks major ass in ways I never thought possible. I absolutely LOVE going to work and getting assignments.
I've voiced a TON of commercials and written SOOOOO many more. It's really cool hearing commercials on the radio that I wrote. Really fucked up and strange..but fun.
It feels like a game.
I get an assignment and think "Okay...what can I put in this commercial to make it a little fucking twisted....?"
I just had to write one for Koya Japan (the sushi/japanese kiosk place in mall food courts) and I used a "GONG!" sound - like SIX times in it!!! :) :) :)
It's so obnoxiously ridiculous - and the restaurant APPROVED it!!!
So it's totally going to air!!
*GONG!*
What's fast, hot and delicious and hangs out in the Devonshire Mall Food Court??
*GONG!*
It's KOYA JAPAN!!
*GONG!*

THey PAY me to do this. Absolutely ridiculous. But so fun.
Anyway, I promise I am going to start updating this blog much more now. I have tons of crazy stories to talk about so I'm gonna get going.
I just can't tonight cuz America's Next Top Model is on and I'll be damned if I miss that!!!

PS - I went to Phog last night for open mic poetry night and read two new poems one called "CANNIBALIZING JENNY" and the other was called "I HEART WAL-MARTS".
I was a little worried cuz one of them "jenny" i wrote like, minutes before i went to Phog - drunk on wine.
But - the crowd LOVED IT! and they fucking called me BACK on stage after I was done for an ENCORE and people were actually calling out names of previous poems!!
"Do Eclectic Cafe!! Do the Wine poem!"

It was a rush as usual.

I'll keep everyone posted for when I do my feature there sometime in January...
talk to you soon!!
hearts and farts,
dan

UMOJA: Spirit of a Wine-O

So - I had the fantastic chance to see a performance of UMOJA: Spirit of Togetherness at the Capital Theatre last night. It's this big production that was just in Toronto and it's going to the States, New York, Europe, Germany - all over. Tickets are normally like 65 bucks - but I got it for FREE from my new job - which was really nice. It's basically this big, huge elaborate (way too cool) stage production tipping its hat to South African song and dance. Like a bunch of steel drum tribal music, insanely fucking violent gumboot dancing - like Kwaito and Pantsula stuff(which I loved since I was in highschool) cuz it reminds me of people being like..fucking POSESSED by music. Just shaking their bodies uncontrollably. OH GOD - I love that.
The cast was made up of about 40 of South African singers, drummers - a fucking CHOIR!! and marimba players, crazy xelophone players...insane drumming...it was just awesome.

The chicks were super hot - several of them topless - and you konw me - I always get a kick out of some good ole fashioned topless entertainment. When they were singing...I was just thinking "holy fuck...how do they not have record contracts?" and it's probably because they are beyond that. For real.
It was just so real and primal. It was sooo pretty and amazing to see. I don't know how the FUCK they can move their bodies like that perfectly in in sync.
ANyway, I had a few glasses of red wine before the show (yeah, here we go) so when it starts up - it was like dead silence.
Then - BOOM! CHOIR starts up.
It was like.... Lion King-esque, but far better. Just these insanely deep baratone harmonic voices blending together in this insane language..I didn't even need to know what they were saying, it was so beautiful. THen - drums start...and they all start chanting and it reminded me kind of how I felt at the Brian Wilson show..and yeah - guess what:
STARTED CRYING!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! horrible i know. But it happens when I see fucking INSANELY good music - and the person making it is TOTALLY into it. Like - TOTALLY. It happened three times. Tracy Chapman (who I am not even a FAN OF!!), Brian Wilson and now this show. Something about loud, pounding drums and harmonic voices blending together like that...it's just fucking powerful. I had to hide it from my friends who I was sitting with (Good ole Martha and Jeff - if you're reading this - HA! I cried! cat's out of the bag!) but it was so cool.
I also forgot how unbelievably (and I'm sorry if this sounds racist - but I assure you - my intentions are the exact opposite) FUCKING HOT black men are.
And I'm not talking about black guys from Detroit or black guys from Windsor - or even black guys from North America.
I'm talking about the REAL DEAL - African dudes.
YUM!
Smoking hot.
Like, animalistic hot.
Like bow down to the king-o-the-jungle and call me Salt-N-Pepa Jungle FEV-AH checkboard chiclet.
God damn.
HOT. Hot. HOT.
And wow. Can those fuckers jump.
I kept hoping one of their loin cloths would come loose but, no luck. The excitement of a live show just kills me.

All in all - the crowd was pretty cool and into it - it was genuinely a great show. Costumes and sets and musicians were mind-blowing. I really wished I could have been stoned - just to make it that much better cuz I seem to appreciate music ten times more when I'm baked off my ass - but even just seeing it sober (plus a few glasses of the blood o christ) - it was almost like getting high. I was madly in love with the main dancer chick - and the head tribesman. I couldn't help but get this feeling though, watching the VERY white crowd - including me.
"ooooh how lovely, look at the lovely african negros, dancing for us, entertaining us."
Tickets were 65 bucks - somethign I could NEVER afford to pay - unless it was Madonna in which I paid $150 U.S. but whatever.
We sat behind Rosie Fucking O'Donnel.
So - it was a very rich, white upper class crowd. A very conservative looking crowd.
The kind of crowd you'd expect to see at the Symphony.
Super interesting. They were all MAJOR into it - which I guess says something about ME being judgemental about older, rich "looking" white people.
It was a pretty wild, racy, raunchy, LOUD show.
My favorites: The pop can step team.
They were P-H-U-N.

At any rate - great show - if you get the chance to see it - go. I am not gonna say go out and spend 65 bucks on it - but hell - it is SUPER worth it if you're into stuff like that - especially if you like seeing performers CONSUMED by their art and their performance - which is what I TOTALLY get off on.

Well, I don't get off on it. But it's my "Thing". Singer, poet, actor, dancer - ANYTHING - when someone LOVES what they do - they are immediately MEGA sexy and incredibly good at it. The best in the world. That's what the show is like - just a super cool confident performance energy.

I hope I sucked some up.

anyway outtie for now,

hearts and farts,

dan