Four Hours I'll Never Get Back

I loooove movies.
Shite movies.
Awesome movies.
Academy award winners and academy award losers.
Films shot by friends, strangers, local artists, documentaries, big budget hollywood blockbusters, cheesey romances, urban dramas, b-horror films, no-plot action flicks with GIANT explosions, sexploitation films with gratuitous tittie shots and "art" films that show guy's dicks.
Porno, comedy and foreign films are also high up on my list.
Today - somehow - Life Partner and I managed to rent two films that were a big ole fat waste of time.
The first - George A Romero's Land of the Dead.
Now - I am a HUGE fan of George Romero's original "Trilogy of the Dead" which included Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead. All Great.
The spoofs that came out of those films were great as well - as was the 2003 remake of Dawn of the Dead. So when I heard the master of Zombies was making a brand new installment - I was TOTALLY buzzing with excitement. Being Halloween and all - it was perfect timing.
Dudd.
Machine guns, one-liners and a weird...sympathy ...for the Zombies over-shadowed any possibility of this flick inspiring anything more than bordom in me. The make-up even looked cheese. I think I could have made myself look like a better walking dead person if I had nothing more than a tube of lipstick, a bottle of maple syrup and a stick of eye liner to work with. The plot was dumb...basically the zombies formed a rebellion team lead by a black flesh-eater who might as well have said "LET MY PEOPLE GO!" to the mean, stupid white - er - LIVING people who were livin large in the city while the poor indigent zombies had to fend for themselves without any flesh to tear apart.
Don't mix social politics and racism with horror - ESPECIALLY if you are George A Romero. Stick to blood and guts and cheap thrills - which there were plenty of - but...well..when I saw the two zombies "holding hands"....I kinda had to choke back vomit.
And it WASN'T because of the gore.

The next fiasco we sat through was Gus Van Sant's Last Days - a work of fiction based "loosely" on the final days of Kurt Cobain. Now - props to Michael Pitt (the hottie rocker boy from Hedwig) for pretty much NAILING what Kurt Cobain looked AND sounded like. He was perfect for the role.
However - the film itself was the most pretentious waste of space and time and film (god - all i could keep thinking about was the fact that HORSES died so their bone marrow could be boiled down and made into gelatin glue to make the film this atrocity was recorded on - what a waste of horses!). Long, drawn out pauses meant to instill an unsettling feeling of sympathy and depression...but get this - 2 and a half minutes of a fucking BOYS II MEN video is filmed. The camera pointed at the t.v. while a Boys II Men video plays.
What the FUCK is the purpose in this? I mean, at first I tried to play along with it....I was like,nodding thinking "Yeah...i totally get where he is going...he is trying to make us see how bored and painful and drawn out and LONELY and vacant the final days of this doomed rocker were. Then after 50 minutes of this I was like "You know what? This is a big waste of film and talent. The only thing vacant, painful, drawn-out and depressing is the fact that I'm still watching this shit."
Praying and expecting something awesome to happen - and of course - much like the doomed rock star was greeted with nothing but a big fucking depressing let-down in the end.
Gus Van Sant is great. The actors in the film were phenomenal. Except they had NO LINES. The lines they did have were mumbled - it was boring and it didn't tell shit all. They should have just made a full-on documentary of Kurt Cobain's last days rather than call it a "work of fiction" and name the guy Blake.
Or better yet - how about they STOP sensationalizing drug use and suicide by getting a hot hunky actor to portray the "i'm-so-high-i-can-barely-speak-or-stand" rock star.
Kurt Cobain had a little girl and a mom who probably loved him and he was YOUNGER THAN I AM - and he blew his head off.
I thought it was in bad taste and it served absolutely no artistic purpose other than demonstrating how bad something can actually "suck". Yeah it's important to tell the story of how this guy (and fame) fucked up his life - but shit - do it right if you're going to do it.
I don't need to sit through ten minutes of him walking through a forest - even if he really DID do that. That's why "editing" buttons were invented.
That's why we weren't REALLY there. When someone goes grocery shopping in a movie - do we need to see them picking out herbal teas and vanilla extract and toilet paper and creme cheese and milk and putting their cart away and loading into their trunk?
No. One quick shot of them pushing a cart through the aisles will suffice and we'll get the idea that "Oh yeah. The character MUST be grocery shopping."
Kurt - er - "Blake" was depressed. And he did drugs. And he blew his head off in his little shed.
I got it.
But tell that story AGAIn - except this time - take an hour and forty-five minutes.
A LITTLE unnecessary and long, don't you think?
at any rate...happy Daylight savings!!!!
love kisses and all apologies,
dan

SLAAAAM!

Damn!
I went to Phog last night for the poetry competition!!!!
now - i ONLY went for the open mic portion of the program.
I NEVER had any intention of actually competing. fuck no.
some of these people do this ALL the time - they are TOTALLy active in little poetry slam circles and have a name...so I just normally go for the open mic part.
anyway - they convinced me to do the competition part as well...
so finally i was like "You know what? fuck it. let's do this shit."
So yeah - i did the open mic part..went great...then - did the competition part.
i fucking WON!!!!
i was absolutely floored!
but happy.
and in shock.
i never won anything for something like that before.
it rocked. i don't know if i'll ever compete again but it was a great feeling to WIN something - even if it was only $20 - just to READ some little thing i wrote about being a university drop out and hating wine parties.
wow.
anyway, you can probably HEAR my head getting bigger so i'll stop now.
but it was tres fun!

dan

OH YEAH!! JESUS I ALMOST FORGOT!!!

I can't believe I forgot to mention this!!! Last Thursday I had the chance to inteview this lovely lesbian specimen you see pictured next to the blog - that's her in male and female form - it's AMY RAY of the INDIGO GIRLS!!!!!
I did a phone interview from CJAM and played the interview on air yesterday!
The kicker - THEY contacted ME!!!!!
How insane is that?!?!?! Somehow her record label heard about the show cuz she was coming to Detroit - and I TOTALLY (not to mention EFFORTLESSLY) scored an interview with this INCREDIBLE song writer who is SOOO damn influential - especially in the lesbian folk and riot grrrl scene....oh god.
I'm speechless.
The interview went GREAT - and her new album "PROM" is phenomenal. The image you see here is from the album.
It was great though - god - so awesome.
I hope she goes FAR FAR FAR with her music - because it's SOO unbelievably astute and smart.
Anyway, I had to share....yet another brush with celebrity for Girlie So Groovie!!!
speaking of which www.girliesogroovie.com - news section and playlists are updated!! Get your requests in bloggers!!!

dan

New Adventures in Lo Fi and Hi Fi and ...what the fuck is "Fi" anyway?

WOW.
Been QUITE a while. Lots has happened.
FIrst and foremost -I have to apologize for NOT finishing our cross-ontario trip. Jesus.
I think i ended with me having a shit-fit somewhere North of Sudbury.
Sour note to go out on.
I PROMISE I will post pics from our amazing Algonquin Park adventure.
Things just went in a whirlwind.
We got back late Saturday - and Monday I started my new job at CHUM Radio!!!
Can I just say:
I have NEVER been happier in a place of employment.
If someone tailored a job especially for me - it would be this one to a T.
The only real "work" I have to do - is fucking SIMPLE data entry!!!!
The rest - I write funny - short stories and come up with "what would do if" ad campaigns!!!
"Imagine - me marketing it this way..."
and then the office girls laughing "Oh my god!!! DO IT !! DO IT!!!"
Then - they started asking me to voice commercials!!!
So I'm in like - all these weird commercials on 89X and 93.9FM and AM 800 - like literally everything from Halloween Parties to the Booze Cruise to the "Taste of Downtown" to "not enough nurses" - even a fucking commercial for an Episcopalian CHURCH!!!
"AT our church - MY GOD is WAAAAAAAY radical."
LOL!
that's my line for real.
some church thought it would be a "hip" way to get their message out by buying ad time on 89X - it's a total joke!!!
I mean - yeah - it's great fun doing funny voices for all these commercials and then getting the head-inflated happiness of hearing your voice on the radio - but they really are cheesey commercials.
SOOOO cheesey.
But fuck - anyone who knows me - know i've always had the softest spot in my heart for anything cheese-dick - so fuck it right?
I am just head over heels in love with it so far. I'm learning how to write better and edit myself (although I'm not applying ANy of that to this blog) and it just feels great to do something that I THINK I am bettering myself by doing.
I could do this till I'm 110, I swear.
I've written about the weirdest things....everything from window installation, to stripper-lessons to costume parties to performance ford lincolns!!!
it's just...surreal. i still feel like someone is about to wake me up and say "JUST KIDDING!!! You still work at Trash-mart furniture store!"
Anyway..i gotta stop gushing and knock on wood. Watch me hate it in two months!!
The cool thing though - everyone who works there pretty much went to school FOR that position and to work in that field.
It's all "writers" or "announcers" or people who want to do something creative or radio-related or media related.
I mean - you don't get vaccum salesmen there who "just happen" to get a job as marketing director at Chum, you know?
So everyone is kind of content and just self-involved, trying to do their best cuz their career kinda depends on it.
It's weird...really weird. no one really "hates" their job..no one complains.
Anyway...i'll shut up.
TORONTO!.....
After my first week - Life Partner and I got back on the road YET AGAIN and dragged our butts to "The T-Dot" (sorry toronto people - i'll never say that again) to stay at one of our cooolest friends ever - LIsa's HOUSE!!!
If you click on my menu you can see a few of her blogs - both photo-based blogs one documenting her trip to Europe the other a week by week run down of the things she finds nifty in life.
We went down cuz it was my friend Ian (ZION) - you can also check his blog out - last weekend in Toronto before he moves to - CALGARY!!!!! ALBERTA!!!!!!
Like - that is HUGE. I'm not much of a flier - so I figured this will be the last time I see him for a while, which made me sad and nostalgic.
Unfortunately - i got RIPPED the night before at the Loop and couldn't drink much on Saturday. I handicapped myself.
But - it was nice just sitting, low key and coherent with just a little bit of pot to just relax and talk.
On Sunday, Faust came down and my other long-time friend from days gone by - KAREN came out and me, lisa, life partner, faust, zion and karen all went to the Pheonix to see Liz Phair.

And yeah - two songs in - I yelled out "PLAY JEREMY ENGLE!!!" - thinking to myself "yeah right..she so WILL NEVER play that song..."
what happens?
Liz says into the mic: "Hmmm....I could probably play Jeremy Engle..." - and she FUCKING PLAYS IT!!!!!!!
That made my night. It was fucking great.
I actually HAD front row for the show before it started, then I looked back and knew that somewhere in the crowd, behind me - were the best people EVER (minus a few who couldn't make it - Karm, James, Jeff, Julie) and this would be the last time Ian would be with us for so long, I glanced at the stage, and the shiny silver mic where my fave singer EVER would be standing and said "FUCK THIS."
And walked back and stood with my FRIENDS :)
it was great. I enjoyed it far better than being front row like all the time. I've seen liz phair like nine times - so fuck it! I still got my request in!! She never fucking played them for me when I'm up front yelling - so weird that it worked this time!
Anyway - it was really cool - surrounded by great friends seeing liz play all these songs - LIVE that I listened to and see SO MANY of my friends in for all these years and all those nights we sat out on patios listening to these albums.
I know i'm known as "the psycho liz fan" but I do invest a LOT into my favorite music...so it was kind of a full-circle sort of thing.
Symbolic.
Anyway...that's been my last week or so.
I was very happy to come home from the big trip to see Pluto and find that the fish was alive and swimming and doing just fine.
So all is right with the world...
OH OH!! James made a kick-ass movie!!!! the next time it's at phog - i propose EVERONE in blog land come out and see it!! animated.. jesus goody though.
It's great. especially for animal lovers and digital geeks :)

speaking of phog - i'm gonna be at phog this thursday reading some poems i wrote about red wine. 8 p.m and they start pretty much RIGHT on time. if anyone is interested...

Zion left today for Calgary around 3-ish...so that's a whole new phase starting.
hope it's awesome.
later for now,
hearts and farts and bicycle farts,

Dan.

Day Five: Sudbury to Algonquin: TROUBLE, PANIC and PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

Friday morning. Bye bye to Sudbury. It was actually pretty.
We woke up at an ungodly hour - 6:20 a.m. and immediately get on the road and head for Pembroke, where Life Partner has an event at 11 a.m.
It's a pretty long, but somewhat scenic drive.
In all honesty - the leaves were super cool - but the road was beginning to wear on my nerves a bit.
I mean - yeah - it's breath-taking and all - but after a while - highway and yellow painted lines and sky lines and other cars passing you - all start to blur into one BIG picture.
Here's proof:

Yeah. See what I mean??? Yeah nice - pretty, hills in the distance. But blah.
After three hours of this you just want to put on a blindfold and pray it's over soon.
Just kidding.
It was gorgeous. But - my favorite thing by this point was the fresh air.
I was just a crabby bitch in the morning. I wouldn't trade a second of the experience in for anything.
Except maybe a million dollars and a sit down interview with Liz Phair about the current course her career is veering off into.
But, whatever.
We make it into Pembroke around 10:48 - so we BARELY made it.
We find the highschool and I point out that it's Catholic.
"Great," says Life Partner.
We park the "Focus-is-You-mobile" and he takes his stuff into the school and comes back to the van.
"Dan," he begins. "Do you have to go to the washroom - AT ALL - before I leave? I probably won't be back for an hour and a half. Are you SURE you can sit in the van for that long?"
I snuff.
"Of course!! I have books! I have CDs! I might even do some writing! Don't worry about it! I don't have to go to the washroom - I'm fine."
So that's that.
I open up Animal Farm and start reading the last two chapters.
15 mins later - Done.
Do I start reading a new book? Do I nap? Do I listen to music?
Then hit me:
The desire to piss so bad - I thought I was going to blow my bladder out through my belly button.
I quickly glanced around the parking lot - but there was too much going on.
People in and out of their cars, kids having gym class out in the field.
If I were caught - in the parking lot of a Catholic Highschool with my you-know-what hanging out - PISSING - just a few feet away from the grade 10 boy's gym class....jesus.
I don't wanna know what the jails are like up North.
Should I go in - and ask Life Partner where the bathrooms are?
YES!
Wait.
No!
What if he was in the middle of a presentation?
I didn't wanna be the creepy guy coming in, asking where the bathroom is.
Then - I had an idea.
A horrific idea.
But an idea - and at this point - ANYTHING was better than pissing in the parking lot.
My solution:
(WARNING!! WARNING!! EXTREME CREEPINESS AND GROSSNESS AHEAD!!!)
A good ole trusty Tim Horton's Xtra LARGE cup.
Yup.
No shame. NO shame, I say!
"No shame."
So yeah - I enjoyed the luxury of relieving my pulsing bladder behind the shield of tinted windows - and then, ever so non-chalantly, waltzed out of the van, and tossed the cup in the nearby trashcan.
Done! Problem solved!
I know - most people would have went into the highschool and just asked for the bathroom - but I'm weird like that.
Hey - at least I didn't piss in a bottle and KEEP IT under the car seat like a souvenir for Life Partner to find later.
I needed a makeshift latrine - and I made one.
On with the show.
Yeah - cut to fifteen minutes later - when I again have to go to the bathroom - but this time...it's not my bladder that's bothering me.
We're talking full-on upset stomach, nauseatingly uncomfortable tummy earthquakes going on.
I could almost HEAR my face go white with panic.
For two and a half seconds, I eyed a half eaten bag of Humpty Dumpty potato chips, but nearly vomitted at the thought of using that.
I was going to have to bite the bullet and go into the school - presenation or not.
I tried my hardest to breath through my nose and out my mouth and stick it out.
It was now 12:45.
Life Partner's presentation was probably done - and he should be coming back any second.
Any second.
1:08 p.m.
"What the FUCK is taking him so mother-fucking LONG!??!?" I screamed to the silence of the van.
I yanked his schedule from the glove box as my stomach did a flip flop.
I think I even had a contraction and I was probably dialited at 8 centimeters by this point.
I blew it out - and found the schedule.
11 a.m. - 1:30 p.m.
"ONE FUCKING THIRTY???"
Turns out we both had misread the schedule and assumed he would be done at 12:30.
There was no way I was gonna hang out for that long.
That was when I saw the keys.
THEY KEYS!
Thank you JESUS - He left the keys!
Without a moment's hesitation, I scooted over to the driver's seat, revved up the Focus-mobile and started jetting through the parking lot at breakneck speed, a film of sweat coating my upper lip and forehead. I crouched over the wheel and felt like Cruella DeVille, my eyes bloodshot with anger/terror as my eyes scanned the landscape infront of me for a way out.
My destination: A Tim Horton's. A McDonald's. A gas station. An evangelical church - ANYWHERE that would let me use their sparkling, porcelean GOD-THROWN of a toilet because I was LITERALLY in the violent throws of dire straits and I knew I couldn't hold out for much longer.
I was gonna have a baby.
So - as I'm screeching around a corner and about to exit the parking lot - who do I almost hit?
Life Partner!!
He had all his stuff in his hands and was staring at the van with a puzzled look on his face, wondering where the FUCK I could possibly be driving away too.
"Quick - load up and get in," I said, my voice and hands shakey as he quickly entered.
"We have to find a bathroom, NOW!" I said.
He could hear the fear in my voice.
"I told you if you have to go - to go n - "
"PLEASE!!!!!!" I cried - my voice beginning to crack and certain doom looming just milimeters over my head "Just drive - anywhere - the side of the road - ANYWHERE!"
We drove, Life Partner shaking his head - and immediately in the distance - the great TITS of North America - the golden arches of McDonald's.
So yeah. McDonald's saved the day.
The rest of the trip went smoothly. We drove on, through to Whitney Ontario - and met with our second last destation on the entire trip:
The East Gates of Algonquin Park.
We stopped the car for a second, stared at the gigantic wall of spruce trees that stood before us, eyed the moose, deer and bear crossing signs - and drove forward, slowly....

Day Four - From Timmins to the Dynamite Walls of Sudbury

Goodbye to our hotel room in Timmins.
We left around 1 p.m. and got on the loooong stretch of highway between Timmins and Sudbury.
Holy shit. It is literally just ONE stretch of two-lane road that goes on for about 3 1/2 driving hours. No stops.
No gas station.
No Tim Horton's.
Beautiful though. There's a sign before you get on this highway TELLING you to fill your tank with gas - because if you break down - ain't no one but the bears and a couple of incapable moose to help you and your poor automobile out.
Either that - or just stick your thumb out and pray that someone comes by within the next five hours - which is doubtful, because traffic is sparse.
Also - pray that if someone DOES indeed come along - the driver is not a psycho killer - because you really don't have much choice. Either accept the help from a stranger - or stick it out with the lions and tigers and bears.
Oh my.
It was a gorgeous drive though, as expected.
Leaving Timmins was weird. We went to a Tim Horton's to nab our fix of coffee - and the lady at the drive-thru spoke in a VERY degrading way to her fellow employee.
This poor old lady mixed our coffees up (not that we even noticed) and the chick working the drive thru gave her shit - infront of us - and then said "It's so hard to find good help these days."
!!!!
Life Partner and I exchanged uncomfortable looks and my face instantly went red for the poor older lady who was yelled at.
Thankfully, the older lady said to the bitch "You know - if you don't want me here - I can just leave and you can do this by yourself."
The drive-thru bitch replied - "Nope. You get paid by the hour - so take all day if you want."
They weren't kidding. It sounds like they were joking w/ each other - but they weren't. Ugh.
Who talks to someone like that??? And infront of customers?? Fucking unprofessional.
I mean - shit - it's Tim Horton's. Lighten the fuck up.
If I get one cream in my coffee and not two - it's not gonna fucking kill me.
Although I'm sure some customers act like it will. So stupid.
To them I say - if your coffee is your biggest issue - you probably have an OKAY life and really *shouldn't* let it bother you.
Anyway, enough of this. Where was I? Oh yeah - the long stretch of highway between Timmins and Sudbury, aka - No Man's Land.
So we made it to Sudbury a little after 3 p.m. We passed by lots of aboriginal reservations - lots of cool aboroginal roadside art - usually painted rocks stacked on other rocks.
Why are there no pictures of this cool shit?
We were wizzing by so fast - it was impossible to capture a good shot.
Yeah we coulda stopped but we didn't.
Lots of Moose and Bear warnings - and falling rock warnings - but - nothing.
I was hoping to see something this far in - but - sweet nothing. Not even the Northern Lights.
Life Partner and I are going to explore a wee bit of Sudbury tonight when he gets back from his event he is hosting at a highschool here.
It's not a bad looking city...pretty big actually. The coolest thing - are the rocks. Big, jutting rocks in the middle of busy intersections. So pretty.
I can only imagine what Vancouver must be like - with big jutting MOUNTAINS juxtaposed to city skylines. Must be incredible.
Someday...
At any rate - we also went shopping and I bought some "business casual" clothes for my new job writing for CHUM - which starts THIS MONDAY!!
Oh jesus - I am SOOO excited.
And nervous.
I mean, this is my first full-time position in my field!! I'm trying to take deep breaths.
Of course - there's the insecure part of me who thinks "What the fuck are you doing...you can't do THIS!!!! They are gonna see RIGHT THROUGH YOU AS A FAKE AND A HACK!"
But - the other part of me is like - "Fuck it. Plow through this shit and give it EVERYTHING, becasue you'd be doing this for them even if they WEREN'T paying you - that's how bad you want it."
And it's true.
I'm just gonna go with the flow and try to keep an open mind and learn as much as I can out of this experience.
I just gotta....1, 2, 3....take a few deep breaths, you know?
So I bought a couple cool sweaters and some (get this - ) KHAKI's!!!!
I haven't had khaki's since like..1997!!!!
So I'm excited! I'm gonna try to be like "collegiate writer" - but still cool.
Lots of sweaters with collar shirts underneath - but COOL stripes - funky shit - i might even wear my cool blue thick rimmed glasses.
Can't wait!
At any rate - I'll leave ya'll with a nice pic of Life Partner - he got his turn posing with the Focus-Is-You-Mobile....

Hearts farts - can't wait to get back home to see PLUTO!!! Which reminds me - I believe we are all connected to our pets and they come visit us. I have had countless visits with my departed golden retriever dog Teddy since he passed away last year - and every SINGLE night -without exception, I dreamed of Pluto - that she was cuddling me and lying on my chest - purring.

Yeah - maybe I was thinking of her.
Or maybe we were astral travelling and we found each other somewhere between this place and dreamland.
Why rule it out? They were great dreams! It's not like Pluto could back me up and say "Yes - it happened" or prove me wrong and say "Dan, you're fuckin' nuts."
So - I'm gonna leave it open. Regardless - it makes missing her a wee bit easier.

laters,

dan

Day Three: New Liskeard to Timmins

Goodbye to our lovely hotel room in North Bay.

Yesterday was actually Day Three, but I wasn't able to post a blog - so now that I am in Timmins, alone in the hotel room this fine Thursday morning, I'll fill you in.
Wednesday morning, we sadly said goodbye to North Bay and headed to the icky town of New Liskeard.
Nothing was really appealing about this place, and I'm glad we were only here for about two hours, while Life Partner did an event at some highschool.
It was the kinda place you drive through - but never actually STOP in. There were not even a whole lot of businesses...just a few homemade looking restaurants (like the restaurant the Goonies go to, where they crawl into the fireplace) - and like....a bunch of decrepid houses and hick churches that SCREAMED homophobia and probably demanded all women cover their heads - or suffer a head shaving from their stern, farmer husbands.
*shiver*
I sat outside the highschool in an abandoned parking lot that LOOKED like some kind of construction site that was forgotten because the contractors couldn't afford to pay their workers any more - sitting in the "Focus Is You"-mobile and I read some books, and watched these two students smoke a joint outside the van, not knowing I was right there.
I almost beeped the horn to scare the fuck out of them - but they probably would have thought I was some "mean old adult" - so I was like "Fuck it. Let them get high."
I contemplated going out and asking if I could smoke pot WITH them, but I didn't want to be the "creepy old guy" smoking pot with highschool kids either.
So I went back to my book and waivered in and out of consciousness until Life Partner came back.
We went into a really messed up car wash called "Tru Blower" (?!?!?) in New Liskeard before we left. It was the dumbest thing either of us had ever seen. You had to drive in (there was no moving platform that guided the car - you had to drive at your own pace!) and like...shimmy your car onto the start button. If you went too far, it told you to back up. If you backed up too far, it told you to move ahead.
"For fuck's sake!" exclaimed Life Partner. "Do we have to fucking play Simon Says to get a fucking car wash??"
I was in hysterics at this point. We ended up backing OUT of the car wash because we couldn't get it to work. LIfe Parter tried entering the code again. And we drove through - and FINALLY - it started.
"Are we moving??" Life Partner asked, scared.
"No...I don't think so...."
We weren't. But the car was clean.
On to Timmins...
The drive up to Timmins was really beautiful. Lots of LOW clouds - yeah one would be tempted to call it "fog" but it wasn't. It was different. Maybe it was mist from the water nearby - maybe it WAS small patches of fog - hell - maybe it was gas from the sewers backing up - but the formations the mist took...was like little cloud pockets that sat close to the road. This picture doesn't do it any justice. You'd pass through them and for a second - would be totally blinded. Then - nothing - blue skies. Then you'd see another "close to the ground" cloud up ahead. THe roads are soo full of hills and turns and bumps - you really get lots of great perspectives of all the cool landscapes. It's so beautiful. And - the air is totally different than in Windsor. You seriously CAN notice a difference! I smelled smells on this trip that I hadn't smelled since I was a kid. Like - rotting leaves. I mean - not ROTTED leaves - but like...that drying out, dead leaf smell - it's kind of musty smelling - but a GOOD musty.
The air just smells fresh - it smells like fall. It's super nice.

Okay I'm not a photographer - nor do I claim to be - but this is as close as I could come to capturing a "low-to-the-ground" cloud.
See it in the distance, just above the trees - literally crossing over the road?? It was so weird, driving JUST UNDER these clouds. It felt like we were so high up -they were speckled all over the tops of the forests. It felt sometimes like flying in a plane, but with trees everywhere.
I wish I was a better photographer and could do this beautiful sight some justice. It really was breath-taking.
I love road trips. Especially with great music on. We listened to the new Franz Ferdinand, some Beck, new Fiona Apple (which I'm loving) and some Liz Phair. Of course, we both made mixes for the trip as well. It's cool.
We debating going to the Shania Twain museum - but - (this is bad of us) we ended up just crashing in our hotel~!! We were both so exhausted - we ordered food and just pigged out and relaxed. It was really nice actually. Timmins is a very poor city. The real estate channel is an eye opener. Houses selling for $39,000, $26,000.... It's scary and kind of sad. You can see that a lot of people just don't want to live here because it is so disconnected from the rest of Ontario. There is nothing - and then - Timmins. All they got going for them, sadly - is Shania Twain.
And even SHE doesn't come around here anymore.
So yeah - that was Timmins. Today - we are going to be heading up to Sudbury - after Life Partner gets back. I'll probably blog later tonight about our adventures on our way there....

Hearts and farts,

dan

The Beach, at Night.

We saw this thing in the air tonight. It was moving fast - and weirdly shapen, with three orbs that kept joining and rejoining. It glowed in blue light. It was the only sign of life in the entire sky.

No stars, no northern lights. No moon.
Just - this glowing, burning spark. This tiny, neon ember floating in the centre of deep, dark, northern sky black.





Yeah whatever. I was smoking something.
But who cares if it was only the moon I was looking at - without the filter of corrective lenses - and through the obstruction of mary jane?

For one single instant - I thought Aliens had come to take us away. But they were friendly aliens. Not the butt-probing aliens we see in movies like Fire in the Sky and Signs and Independence Day.

They were happy little stoner aliens just blinking their lights to say hello to us, on a beach, on private property, in North Bay, smoking weed.
We past a creepy old shack- so help me god - a SHACK and we made mental notes to be sure we do NOT under ANY circumstances get lost tomorrow, on our way to Timmins.
Fuckin' Timmins.
Shania Twainland. I can't wait. I barely got a good look at it last time we went, I just remember it being in buttfuck Idaho.
Er - Buttfuck Ontario.
We ate at a Pizza Hut last year - and they played "You're Still the One" and we both rolled our eyes at how cheese-dick that was - and how everyone in the city who doesn't like Shania Twain, must feel like they died and went to Shania Twain Hell.
AH well. Fuck it. North Bay - a TOTAL blast!

hearties and farties,


danny

Day Two: North Bay: The Saga Continues...

Um...how COOL is that pic?? And no - i did not adjust the contrast or anything. We were on this gorgeous beach today, having a very gay pic nic and the sun was reflecting off the crystal clear water and Life Partner snapped a pic of me by this little sandbar - and I took the moment by its scrotum and decided to strike this little superstar pose.
It was a great second day. Life Partner left to do a presentation around noon and I layed around and finally took a shower and made my way down to the bustling metropolis of downtown North Bay and bought myself a few books to keep me company while he is gone.
You know, I never read Animal Farm by George Orwell? So I found that for two bucks. I also found One Flew Over the Koo-Koo's Nest - which I also never read - believe it or not. I was kinda saving that one for a special time.
At any rate - Life Partner came back around 4 p.m. - and we went for our beach adventure - eating Wendy's salads.

Here are a few pics from today:

Life Partner took this one. It's beautiful. It was so relaxing sitting out here - and this is within SPITTING distance to our hotel. Not a bad view, eh?

God, just to get away from the city for a while and see what a fucking breath taking country we live in, is amazing. Honestly.

I am awestruck by how lucky we are to live in a place like this. I think about it every day. I SOOO never take it for granted - how privleged and lucky I am to be a Canadian. After seeing only a FRACTION of our province, never mind the other breath takingly beautiful things this incredible country has to offer - I know I will NEVER have to get on a plane to enjoy myself on vacation - because it's all driving distance away.

Aww. How "small-town" of me, eh?

This is me and the now infamous "Life Partner" - who I decided to..well..you know...share the rest of my ENTIRE life with. I'm the guy without the sunglasses. Lost mine. Dammit. It's days like these when I realize we don't ever need to be married - because we have little mini-weddings all the time. I mean, if being "married" and having a "wedding" is just a testament and proof of some sort - of how in love you are with someone and how perfect you are together - then the only witnesses we ever need are ourselves. And the beach makes for a damn good officiator!
Don't I make a sexy bride?

Here's another Life Partner snapped of me - being all fuckin' artsy fartsy and pondering the meaning of life while I try to get a grasp on my slippery ego.

Just kidding. I was actually debating tasting the water - just to see if it tasted good, because it was so clear -but Life Partner talked me out of it.

Didn't like, Erin Brockovich come from North Bay? Or is it Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell who have a cottage here? Ah fuck, who knows. I like this picture because my elbow covers my gut.

Yeah. This is our sexy love mobile.

Nice eh? Not exactly Shitbanger, but it'll do. It's actually fantastic. It has a CD Player - a nice big area in the back to throw all our shit and it's reliable, which is more than I could ever ask of shitbanger, who is going to die when I get back I might add.

It's a great vehicle though - super fun to drive around in - power windows to easily extinguish any car-pharts, which Life Partner has strictly forbid me of. And - we get tons of weird looks from the locals - so I am always tempted to tell them we are from a very poshy t.v. show based in Vancouver - and it's called "The Focus Is You" - and we are recruiting people in the area.

Hey. Come on. I'm bored. We're in North Bay. What else are we supposed to do?

I'll leave you with a little series of three pictures I snapped of Life Partner, while he was walking on the beach.

It looked so cool - and beaches - you know - the photo ops are like, totally endless.

So far -this is my favorite part of the trip. The air smells so much better here, even though I do miss Windsor and Pluto.

These pics remind me why I love Wayne so much though. They kinda describe him in a way I never could.

I know. I'm not a photographer...I'm supposed to be a writer. But these little pics are the poem about Life Partner I never wrote...and probably never could write.

Love you, Wayne!

Wayne is actually at another presentation right now - and I'm at the hotel room - drinking whiskey, which probably explains the mushiness of this blog.

If anyone has vomitted this far in, my sincerest apologies.

If not - stay tuned! Life Partner and I are going back to the same beach TONIGHT to smoke weed and look at the water!!! Maybe I'll finally get to see the NorthernLights - which is one of my goals in life, before I go to the great big beach in the sky!

hearts and farts,

(whoa...I'm TOTALLY buzzing right now...)

Dan

PLUTTIE!!

This is Pluto - if anyone has not yet seen a picture of her.
I know a few of you haven't...so this is "SHE".
This is my first time EVER leaving her home, so I'm super as-scaret (scared, in little-kid voice).
Pluto rocks though! I never thought I would be a cat person - being a dog person all my life - but WOW! Cats just rock OUT so much. Neither a dog nor a cat is superior to the other - but both are soo different - they each have crazy perks.
I think my favorite thing about Pluto is her attitude about Life. She is for the most part - very laid back. Except - she LOVES people. When people are over - she's in the middle of the floor, doing acrobatics - no lie! I have never seen a cat who loves people more than her - she totally lights up and comes running out to GREET people when they come!!!
She still wakes us every morning - which I am no longer annoyed by - in fact, I find it comforting, feeling her little weight on the bed every morning around 7:15 a.m.
She likes things that make crinkly sounds, and LOVES sitting on my chest when we watch t.v.
She's afraid of Whick Airfreshener for some reason (we barely EVER use it, unless I accidentally shit on the floor. Just kidding) and she enjoys watching Animal Planet.
She also likes the opening credits to Six Feet Under cuz a crow flies by and she dives at it.
I know. It's a pricey t.v....but shit - can we help it if Kitty can't understand what technology is?
Sure. But why bother?
Anyway, I could not imagine my life without her anymore. Neither could LIfe Partner. I also miss her more than anything - as much as my friends and family - obviously - because she IS a friend and family!!!
She is extremely cute - and knows how to make herself cuter when she wants something HER way. She just sits on the floor, curls her shoulders in and puts her head down a bit - to look VERY small, so we feel sorry for her - and she has "BAD EYES".
Pictured here is Pluto, wearing her "Bad Eyes".
At any rate - Day Two tomorrow.
I just had to post a little tribute to Pluto - hope you're okay alone at home for the first time :(
I miss her SOOOOOO much.
Great - tears in my eyes now. Have to turn my head so life partner won't see.

night,

hearts and farts (and secret hotel room farts that have not yet reached Life Partner....danm, i should not have eaten spicey arabian pasta with italian sausage today. Gonna be a LOOONG night. OH FUCK! I think he smells it. Gotta RUN!!)

Danny

Day One: Windsor to The North Fucking Pole.

North Bay, actually.
And yeah - this is who we were driving next to for a bit.
Had I a long, pointy umbrella, I would have wacked them on the head with it, as we passed.
Ontario is a WEIRD ass province. After driving across it for 9 hours today - I am automatically an expert.
Just kidding.
But - I was trying to look at it as province, with an open mind - as if it was my first time seeing it.
Being an underdog myself all life (ie - a fag nicknamed 'boner'), I always like to give props to the little guys who deserve attention.
So I'm gonna list all the quirky weird, screwed up tiny hick towns that I never really knew existed.
I mean, shit - it's not like I am from New York City - I'm from frickin' Windsor for shit's sake - but some of these TINY towns....they are so easy to blink through. But if you look around - they are like...little TEEENY communities. So weird. Some have their own schools..some don't...you can see if one is a "retired rich people" town or a "under employed poor town"...it's really fascinating.
So here we go - here's the towns Life Partner and I drove through today - I tried to recognize EVERY single one. It's hard to believe how many little dudes make up the bigger picture.
chatham
THAMESVILLE - their logo was "A Bridge to the Future." Life Partner and I looked at me. "I'm sure that's their fucking slogan!" Laughed Life Partner, adjusting his sunglasses. "Yeah," I muttered, glaring out the window of the St.Clair College van, at all the 'small businesses' and 'olde fashioned hat boutiques'...
"Maybe they should try 'STUCK IN THE PAST'..."
We both laughed. And we drove on.
cairo (not egypt)
alvinston
arkona - Life Parter eagerly pointed out that fossil research happens here - because of the escarpment (sp?) I guess the area is like, super great for collecting fossil specimens.
God, I sounded like a dork just then.
Sylvan
Allsa Craig (population 900!)
Elgenfield
Whalen Corners
Woodham
Kirkton
Mount Pleasant (rich)
Russeldale
Mitchell (Home of Howie Morenz. Don't know who he is? Neither did I. And don't worry. I saved you the trouble. If you want to know who the FUCK Howie Morenz is as bad as I did - just click here - http://www.factmonster.com/ipka/A0109470.html
Gowans Town (I immediately started singing Dream Warriors, the theme to Nightmare on Elm St. Part III)
Dryden
Harrison - "At the top of Wellington County!"
This was a dying soon-to-be ghost town. At the town's main intersection, all four buildings on all four corners were boarded up - with dusty FOR SALE signs tacked to their windows in hand written signs.
But - standing one door down - like a DIAMOND in the rough of this otherwise "forgotten" city - stood a beautiful, shining star - reminding the residents of Harriston that their government did NOT forget them - a brand new, gigantic LCBO.
Hey - everyone wins!
Mount Forrest - Whose slogan was "HIGH! HEALTHY! HAPPY!" - no lie!!!! I was like..."Shit...this is where I wanna come to retire! Oh and our guy who pumped our gas? Stoned. I'm sure of it.
Conn
Keldon (Life Partner pointed out the abundance of kitchen appliances on people's lawns)
Shelburne (poulation 4500) and its sign proudly boasted "HOME OF THE GREAT CANADIAN OLD TIME FIDDLE CONTEST".
Kinda cool - like "mini-nova scotia".
Primrose
Rosemont
Alliston
Cookstown. Their big hang out was called "Puck and Pizza". I guess they call them "sports bars" up in these parts. Fuckin' crazy canucks!!
Innisfil Heights
Barrie (population125,000)
Guthrie
Orillia (populatoin 50,000) - cyndi lauper always plays here.
Hawkins Corners
Severn Bridge. Okay - click here: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=severn and then - click here - http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=sovereign
Like, is that not some FREAKY shit man??
Just kidding. Pretty fucking boring really.
Grovenhurts
Bracebridge (population 13000)
Muskoka Falls (YAY!)
Huntsville - stayed here in a log cabin - been like, 23 years since i've been here!
Powassan - like a cross between an aboriginal word - and a really pretentious sushi bar.
and finally - Best Western, North Bay.
We checked into our Best Western suite, shimmied our way down to East Side Marios - stuffed our faces like gluttons straight out of weight watchers, came back, smoked a joint and watched a documentary made by David Suzuki - about how the planet is trying to reject us - as it rightfully should.
We're pretty much a bunch of locusts who evolved, started killing everything ELSE but us - multiplied in LITTERS and continue to suck the resources from the planet dry until we ultimately either a) blow ourselves up b) pollute the earth so much it poisons us or c) any variation of the two.
GOOD GOD! I just gave a little quick re-read.
What we must SOUND LIKE?!?!?!? Us - in North Bay on a Monday night for LIfe Partner's work - me "blogging" from my lap top in our hotel while Life Partner flips through various PBS documentaries and I snivel with my tissues because my allergies are acting up - and I whine every once in a while about how "I want my cat....i want my cat."
Adjust my glasses, wipe at my nose and continue typing my stoned thoughts.
I'm a characature! Fuck it.
Yeah - we got stoned. Hence the obnoxious email.

But hey - it's North Bay.
What else are you supposed to do?
Oh. Nevermind the picture to your right.
It was nothing. I promise. Just a MINOR run in with some locals...and well - we had words.
But all is well. I won.
And now i'm gonna get the munchies. And now i'm gonna get fatter.
and it's only day one.

more to come,
hope u like the pics - there are PLENTY more...

hearts, farts and ...carts..

Dan

Mrs.Brisby and the Secret of NIN

Life Partner, Danielle and myself saw Nine Inch Nails last night at Joe Louis Arena in Detroit.
Let me start by saying this about the Joe Louis Arena: Their staff - FUCKING ROCKS.
Whenever I go to any BIG venue in the U.S. - the staff have almost ALWAYS been assholes to us. Not that it's an "American" thing - of course not! I think it's just a "Big Venue" thing. Maybe they get lots of rowdy assholes. Maybe they hate their lives. Maybe they have a fucking chip on the shoulder the size of a jumbo Dorrito. Who knows? Bottom line: All Assholes.
Remember the Green Day Incident with the "dangerous" chicken finger that Life Partner had to eat BEFORE they let us into the stadium?
Enough said.
We walked into the Joe - and the guy working the metal detector says "Hello...how are you guys this evening?" He then proceeds to ask us where our section is so he can POINT US IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, WAVE TO US "Goodbye" and say "I hope you guys enjoy the show!"
We were like.... "Wait a minute...we ARE in Detroit, right?"
Then - the guy who sold me my beer - made sure before I left the counter to point out the fact that there is an outside patio area too, if I wanted some fresh air - or I could feel free to take my beer to my seat!!!
FOR REAL!!!!
The Palace wouldn't even let me take my beer into the stadium! Why they were selling beer in the first place, I have no idea.
The Palace SUCKS. Joe Louis is great.
So - where do I begin??? 1.) - THE CROWD.
Disappointed me a little. I was expecting MUCH more black eyeliner, much more LOOOOONG black marilyn manson hair - and TONS more mesh sirts, black tattoos and body piercings. The crowd was older - probably 25 + with the greater portion probably being 30 + and surprisingly VERY VERY preppy! Like - seriously!! The guys were like - incredibly well-dressed - all with short, stylish coifed hair, designer "pretty boy" jeans, cordouroy or fancy jackets and button shirts. Like - LOTS of pretty boys!! At one point - I thought we were at a Madonna concert!
A couple motor-heads, and former goth kids grown up - one or two "angry-at-the-world" punks with unoriginal eye make-up, but other than that - a very normal almost...dare I say..."mellow" crowd. Two girls wore pink and blue wigs and looked like castoffs from the Cheesecake Club moreso than Nine Inch Nails fans. For the most part - all were in a really good, almost "happy" mood.
It Confused the FUCK out of me.

2.) AUTOLUX
This was the first opening band. I actually own their CD and never gave it a fair listen - but didn't think they were bad from the few songs I heard.
I was excited to see them. Emphasis on "WAS".
Chick drummer - and I even played one of her songs on my show before.
Long story short: They sucked a big fat hairy donkey dick.
The sad thing: They could have been SUPER cool. A little bit Morrisey/Smiths - innovative sounds...but they were too... I don't know... snobbish. Too many pretentiously long and boring as FUCK "jams" - and unless you are headlining - DO NOT fucking extend your songs that long because the crowd wants to be IMPRESSED - not bored to the point of explosive diarrhea.
Near the end the bass player fell on the floor and was "writing" in his "artistic agony" and the chick drummer (who I found as annoying as Fergie from Black Eyed Peas) continued to slash at her drum kit like she was only half-trying. They were very "We're waaay too cool to be here man - we're like - TOTALLY rock and roll man...we like, don't even have to try man. We do what we want man. If we wanna jam for ten minutes and just makes screeching sounds, we will, man."
I was bored to tears. Thank GOD I had a big fat beer to entertain me and watch the bubbles rise to the top of my glass. If they would have let audience members come up and fart into the microphone - I would have been HANDS DOWN more entertained. But that goes without saying.
Autolux bites the big one.
I'll never play them on my show again, as payback for stealing almost forty minutes (waaaay too long for an opening act) of my life that I will NEVER get back.
BOO and HISSSSSS to them.

3.) QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE.
Remember that big hairy donky I mentioned in the Autolux review?
He was pretty lucky last night because this band got to suck him off right after Autolux (thankfully) left the stage. I was semi-excited about them as well.
Another emphasis on "WAS".
They have that "one big song" on the radio...I heard lots of good things...the band The Donnas stated that they were one of their favorite bands. I was hyped. And the lead singer - (pictured in blue with the cigarette hanging out of his mouth) is like, JAMES DEAN HOT!!
Fuck - they played for ONE HOUR (an opening band is NOT supposed to play for that long, I don't care what ANYONE says) and honestly - my butt got sore in my seat, as if I were at a boring movie. And I thought Autolux extended THEIR songs?!??! JESUS - Queens of the Stone Age would end EACH one of their songs like - nine times - before ACTUALLY ending them. They would end..the audience would cheer - and then - they'd sprawl back into the same song for a six minute wanker guitar solo. They were horrific. They finally played "the big hit radio song" (and I know why it's a hit - it's the only song that DOESN'T sound like the rest of their shit) and they stretched that one out for like eleventeen minutes and successfully snuffed any dwindling spark of enthusiasm I ever had for it in the first place.
I don't know the history of this band - I know they have a few albums - but they are a perfect example of marketing. Kudos to the marketing director who made them stars, because it would be a task and a half with a shitty ensemble like that. They had "that one song" with ONE catchy riff and Dave Grohl on drums for it - and it made them SUPERSTARS. For real. Fucking marketing. BRILLIANT. Fuck - I wanna be a rock star now.

If Nine Inch Nails was gonna go the poppier, more rocking route with their opening acts - I can think of TWO bands who would have been FAR more fitting and impressive - Grandaddy in place of Autolux and Sleater-Kinney in place of Queens of the STone Age. Both bands do similiar stuff - but do it FAR FUCKING BETTER than either band last night could ever dream of being.
Of course - Grandaddy don't try to be angst-ridden superstars - they just focus on ...you know...that whole "artistry" thing and Sleater-Kinney are all girls so they'd be booed off the stage by the motor heads. Annoying.

Anyway, on with the show...

4.) NINE INCH NAILS
They blew my mind. They surpassed any expectations I had and sounded better than they do on CD. Their stage set up was brilliant...a few times singing behind an almost-transparent curtain while a projector threw crazy graphic and interesting imagery onto it. It was gorgeous. I only wish I was stoned. March of the Pigs, Closer, Burn, The Hand that Feeds, Hurt, Sin, Terrible Lie, Reptile, Pinion, Happiness is Slavery, Head Like a Hole - it was GREAT!
At one point - Trent Reznor actually dove into the crowd..which was shocking! The guitarist smashed his guitar and threw it into the audience - I can only imagine the fights that insued over that - and Trent Reznor actually talked and sounded gracious! He wasn't the goth-snob I thought he might be, which he could totally pull off rightfully so if he wanted to because he is soo good. The lights rocked, the imagery rocked the sound was fantastic even though the acoustic are notoriously "not-so-great" at Joe Louis...they had a great audio/visual team who really brought out MAXIMUM quality from the band. I would have liked to have heard The Becoming and Piggy (two of my favorite songs) but I didn't really miss them because the rest of the show was soo great.
The audience on the floor was moshing - thank god we were in the stands - and as they were throwing each other around and shoving each other like they were slabs of meat- I noticed something.
So many of them had their backs to the stage. Not even watching. Meanwhile - the band put together this absolutely GORGEOUS video montage of crazy Natural Born Killer-esque insanity about our WORLD and the human race - and they aren't even watching. Their favorite band, and they were more in tune with banging each other's bodies off one another.
NOT EVEN WATCHING.
So I was thinking...why is it they aren't even paying attention? Why is it ALL fans at this genre of music do the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING - like they are a bunch of hypnotized ZOMBIES??
"It's Nine Inch Nails - we have to mosh. We have to be violent. We have to head bang and push and shove and start a pit."
Bullshit. Totally missing the point. I mean - this is all my opinion - maybe I'm missing the point...but in all honesty - if you were to quiz me - or any one of the supposed "hardcore fans" on the floor - who probably claim to be bigger fans than I am - on what the content of the show and themes shown in the video were all about - I know i'd win - because they weren't even watching!
So I was thinking - who the hell is Trent Reznor even singing to, if his core audience has their BACK to him??? I would NEVEr do that at a show of one of my favorite bands!!
Then - I saw this little, geeky, skinny, very homely guy a few rows down from me. He had dyed orange hair that made him look more like Ronald McDonald than the "weirdo-chic" he was going for. Nothing about his outfit worked. He looked like one of those stereotpyical trench-coat mafia types.
But he was SOOO into it. He stood the entire time with his hands in the air - SCREAMING all the words. Truely an out-of-place guy - who made all the pseudo-freaks on the floor look like plain, average, everyday wannabes.
THis guy was the real deal. He marched to the beat of his own drum - and was totally absorbed by the show.
Trent Reznor was FOR SURE singing for guys like that kid. People who are alienated for real...you could tell the music TOTALLY resonated with that kid. It was probably the soundtrack to his life growing up in highschool being the geek.
And I love that. I love seeing someone who is SOOOOOO into their music they just lose themselves. Or so into anything for that matter.
And of course - Danielle was EXTREMELY thrilled at getting to see her favorite band live - so that always rocks as well, getting to see a friend TOTALLY into a show.
I am a fan of Nine Inch Nails - but only own one record - so it was cool to just enjoy the show and enjoy all the energy coming off everyone else who was TOTALLY into it.

Fuck, could I say "totally" anymore?

One more thing:

Doesn't Trent Reznor "TOTALLY" look like Owen Wilson in this picture????
I swear...if there is EVER a movie about his life..Owen HAS to play him. Exact same nose and eyes!


Anyway, talk to ya'll later, music fans! HAPPY FUCK-A-TURKEY-OUT-OF-HIS-OR-HER-BIRDLIFE-DAY!!!!!!!!

Danny.

Dressy Bessy and Girlie So Groovie!!

I just want to give MAJOR props to this band Dressy Bessy (They had songs in the movie But I'm a Cheerleader) - who recently added a link to MY website on their OFFICIAL homepage!! For real. It is a dream.
I even had a link to them on THIS VERY BLOG (Know Dressy Bessy) for the longest time...the fact that they acknowleged my site....good god. I'm just flabbergasted. They have been my pop rock heroes for almost four years now, I just absolutely ADORE this band.
Check out their website at www.dressybessy.com - and take a peek at which links are on their OFFICIAL FRONT PAGE!!!
It's all their own links - about band-related stuff...and then - me. Seriously. I don't wanna brag but it just seems like...a dream to me.
Dressy Bessy likes me :)
*giggle giggle*.
God.
If you had any idea how much I listend to their music for the last three summers, you'd understand why I am so gitty.
Totally one of my favorite bands. It makes me feel all yummy inside when one of them gives a little "thank-you" like that! Fuckin' heart warming, for real.
Thanks for the kick ass music Dressy Bessy!!!!

dan

ROAD TRIP!!

I'm taking this blog on the road next week!!
In between starting my new job and quitting my current job - I have a blessed week off. And perfect timing...
Life Partner and I are gonna be travelling across the great province of Ontario ALL next week - and I'll be blogging from every town we stay in. It's for his work. So we'll be in a bunch of little hick towns in cottage country and I'll be sure to post our adventures on the road....
Which one of us gets to be Nicole, is yet to be seen - but it should be a REALLy cool week. We'll be all over... North Bay, New Liskard, Sudbury - a few in between places...i'm SOO excited to get out of the city for a few days and just drive on the road and see the leaves changing colour and stuff like that. I love it up North. Usually bear sightings or deer - sometimes even Moose...
Regardless, it's an escape. I can just clear my mind and get ready for the new job and relax. It's SOOOOO fall.
I'm gonna miss Pluto more than anything for those few days, but both Wayne's and my sister have offered to come by to play with her and feed her. So she'll be okay.
*Sigh*
And we'll be on the road - all paid for!!
I wasn't even supposed to be on this trip - my boss wouldn't give it to me off.
But, since I have the other job lined up - that problem was solved pretty much instantaneously, as I TOLD him I WOULD be taking the week off after I said Friday is my last day.
That is, if I'm not "sick" on Friday.
You never know...
at any rate, I'm out... I'll post tons of pics from the road....

Dan

Liz Phair Day: A brief history...

Yesterday was Liz Phair Day.
She released her fifth album (with the awful title Somebody's Miracle) and Life Partner and I went out after work and picked up a handful of CDs.
We actually scored some goodies.
The new Liz Phair.
Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine, Grandaddy - Excerpts from the Diary of Todd Zilla, Patti Smith - Easter, Franz Ferdinand - You Could Have it So Much Better, Bettye LaVette - I've Got My Own Hell to Raise and The Bridge School Concerts, which includes cool live performances by Neil Young, Bowie, Patti Smith, Bonnie Rait, Beck.
Anyay - back to Liz Phair day. The first Liz Phair day I can remember is in 1994 for Whip-Smart. Her second album.
For some weird reason, I just went out and bought it - even though I wasn't a huge fan. It was in the back of my head..."Her new album comes out today..." and it was like, a weird compulsion.
I just had to nab it. No idea why. I read one review and just made it a point to ask my parents if I could borrow the car - at 10 a.m. to run to the mall for "a second" - just so I could buy the album.
Up until this point - my favorite music was Madonna, Prince and the Bangles. That's about as deep as I got.
So - August of 1994 - picked up Whip-Smart. Fell in love.
History was made.
It was a really beautiful day. Don't ask why I remember, but I do. One of those days where my mom was already in the swimming pool at 9:30 a.m. - not a single cloud in the sky. I was using the left over from my McDonald's pay cheque.
I was just a kid in highschool. No one really shared how much I LOVED Liz.
"Liz WHO?" was all I ever heard.
She was totally MINE! and her weird ass style opened up about a THOUSAND doors for me, and I spanned out and got into all kinds of crazy artists who were making music I had NEVER heard anything like.
I was about seventeen.
Cut to four years later, 1998, August.
Liz releases her much anticipated Whitechocolatespaceegg.
I worked a midnight shift at JUMBO Video and went out for breakfast with Faustine and this chick who used to come into the video store and talk to me.
After that, the three of us high-tailed it to HMV, and picked us up three copies of Whitechocolatespaceegg.
The album did not leave my CD player for about...two years.
No lie. I still can't get sick of this album.
I spent the rest of the day over at Ian's house, listening to the album and drinking beer on the front porch. It was the perfect day. I didn't sleep until 7 p.m. that night (after being up all night before for midnights), and then I had to get up at 10:30 to go back to work.
But I didn't care, cuz I had a new Liz Phair album to take with me. It was on repeate for eight hours at Jumbo that night.
I was in University, and had no idea what I was doing there.
I didn't even know Life Partner yet.
I was twenty-one.
Cut to five years later.
Liz Phair releases her self-titled album and has a BIG HIT SINGLE called Why Can't I - which is really, REALLY different from anything she has ever done.
Easily her most poppy album - a few of the songs actually made me CRINGE that she wrote them. Song about how her lover is like her "favorite underwear". Lots of lame rhymes, her signature guitar playing is GONE and replaced by session players who do wanker cheese-dick guitar solos and she took voice lessons so she sings higher, rather than her signature, bored-sounding half-mumble that made her so different from everyone else.
She replaced her funky looking vintage, earth toned wardrobe of cordouroy and button downs with micro-mini skirts and tube tops. She dyed her hair a more platinum shade of blonde and walked in VERY high stilettos. She looked like a Lindsay Lohan rocker chick, but sounded like Hillary Duff.
It wasn't easy, seeing your favorite artist who you KNOW is capable of more, releasing a weird album like that.
But whatever. It was August (as usual) and I went out at 10 a.m. to HMV and picked it up.
Ian came over and we drank beer in the back yard and listened to every single one of her albums, and then left the newest (and annoyingly self-titled) album on repeat.
It grew on me. A little.
I was twenty-six, owned my own house with Life Partner.
It was a gorgeous day, as usual.
Cut to two years later. Yesterday. October.
Somebody's Miracle. Life Partner and I popped it in and listened.
Something about it just isn't the same. Some really kick-ass songs, but ladies and gentlemen - I think my running stint with Liz Phair is coming to a close.
Either Liz has lost it - or I've outgrown it...but it just doesn't click the way it used to.
I barely listened to the entire thing, and I'm currently listening to Patti Smith now, instead of the new Liz Phair.
Again - squeaky clean production, far better than her previous release...but something about it...is just...more surface. The songs are simple to inerpret. Very "I love you. You love me. Let's see how happy we can BE." type of rhymes.
It was a great day cuz it was Life Partner and I listening to brand new music. It's just weird. It was the first time a Liz Phair Day was in October. the first time I wasn't going crazy over it.
Times, they are a-changing I guess...
But regardless - It was a Liz Phair day.
I ended up going to see Sleater-Kinney with Faustine last night and my parents took Life Partner and I out for dinner and bought me my favorite cologne and a bottle of red wine, to celebrate my new job.
I felt like a king.
Anyway, I gotta run.

hearts and farts,

dan

NEW JOB!!!!

Big news - just got it today!!!
I was hired at CHUM Radio as a commerical writer and copy writer!!!
I'll be writing the ads for 89X, 93.9FM, AM 800 and CKWW!!!
I'm totally floored.
I mean yeah - I've always written for small magazines around town, and always did my little show on CJAM - but - it's like the two worlds collided and I get to do it for a LIVING now!!! I feel like I'm in a dream.
Like - I have the kind of good feeling you get when you think "WOW - this is SOO unbelievable," and then you wake up and you're like "Oh fuck. That's why it was soo good. It wasn't real."
Seriously - if I all of a sudden hear an alarm right now - and realize it's Monday morning, my weekend is over and all of this was a dream, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
It's crazy because - this is like, my DREAM job.
To work in a REAL radio station in the creative development department, writing JINGLES!! I do that when I get STONED for crying out loud!!!
I bloody can't wait. There was no stress in the world (for me anyway) like when I had to submit written "audition pieces" to the station as part of the application process.
I'm self-conscious enough about what I write. But to have my getting a job - DEPENDENT on my writing - have it scrutinized by people at CHUM.
I was PETRIFIED.
So to hear them say theyliked my writing...god. It was so weird.
I'm just in a state of shock right now.
Like...I can't believe I won't be sorting out hardware parts for ENWIN, Union Energy and techs anymore.
I get to do something I love.
I had to share cuz I'm just so happy - I wanna see it in writing cuz I still can't believe it.
This week has just been brilliantly KIND to me.
I don't know what I did to deserve this kinda karma....but knock on wood that it stays with me for a bit...

In shock but flabbergasted with happiness,

Dan

I'm SOOOOOO "Coffee Shop Poet"

Well - I went to my third ever poetry reading the other night. My good friend from highschool, Ben (who I used to write surreal pop songs and short skits with in highschool, along w/ Faustine of course!) runs the Angels and Devils slam night at Phog, last Thursday of every month.

So Ben, being the great and creative and thoughtful guy that he is, decided to nominate me as a "feature poet" one night - so sometime in November or December, it'll be little ole me up on that stage reading some poems and acting like a "coffee shop alterna-ethan hawke wannabe".

I just can't wait!!!

Anyway, Ben asked that I show up for a few of these shows beforehand so the other coordinators of the night get a feel for what I sound like.

Yeah - cut to me the night of, totally FORGOT that it was poetry night. Then, I got Ben's email, so panic kicked in, hit me square in the gut like a case of mexican seafood diarrhea and chaos insued:

I had to write something. Fast. Sure I could fish through my old poems - but that would take FOREVER. I had no IDEA what I was going to read - or what I wanted to read.

So I scribbled this poem-spoken-word-commentary thing down on paper- SUPER quick (like five minutes) with shakey, nervous hands - terrified that I was gonna blow my one chance at FINALLY being featured.

I'm super SUPER self-conscious when it comes to reading any kind of poem thing up in front of coffee shop alterna peoples. Especially the fact that most of these people do this all the time, are studying poetry etc etc. Yeah I'm insecure and I need to get over it. Whatever. LOL.

(Can't believe I just used "LOL" in a blog.)

And a big thing with me - I NEVER want to look like the angst ridden, love-sick, left winger that I actually am. I hate poems that are self-loathing and dark and brooding.

I don't HATE them. But they seem redundant, especially by people in my age group. That doesn't mean I don't write my PHAIR share of angst-ridden, coffee-shop, brooding artist poems. I just keep those to my little ole lonesome.

If I am gonna go up on stage and read for people - I want poems about the world I live in, you know? I can appreciate something "deep and romantic and gothic" but I prefer and have always been far more comfortable with writing things that make people relate - mostly about uncomfortable situations we ALL have been in and then make them LAUGH at themselves - even if it is through laughing at me. My biggest goal is to try to make people relate with something I have done - and laugh at me - and in truth - they are laughing at themselves because they've done that before.

Okay, now I'm starting to take myself too seriously. Anyway...

So I scratched up this poem about University - and my experience as an english major and all the expectations I had about going into university, and how I hated all my professors.

I called it "Academia #5" (I stole it from Chanel #5) and it was about education as a product, rather than something you aquire or learn. A brand name. Not that I believe this is what education - or a University education is for that matter. But some do.

It's based loosely on something Karmen once quoted a girl saying about her degree.

"Maybe I'll sell my degree."

A Fucking English major too. Figures.

Personally - I just sooo could not concentrate at school.

The sexual tension in that building between students BLOWS MY MIND. Seriously.

University was hands down one of the sexiest experiences of my life.

My hat is off to anyone who can keep their hormones under wrap long enough to finish school. I just get the shakes THINKNIG about all the kids there.

Maybe it was just an English department thing - that was basically what my poem was about. The sexual tension that is unspoken between students, the sneaky way it distracts certain kids right into failure - and the bitch snob attitude of certain poets and professors - one of who which the poem was also about - and he even made an appearance at Phog the night I was going to read it.

Oh - except he left because there was a three dollar cover.

Case closed.

Nice professor eh? Glad he cares about the scene - a fucking ENGLISH poetry teacher and he won't even pay three bucks to see what the kids are slamming about??? That makes no sense. What a snob. The co-ordinataor made it a point for all of us to give a big "FUCK YOU" to the professor after he left. It was fantastic.

My poem - went over STELLAR!! Better than I had ever expected. I don't wanna sound big headed, but it got one of the biggest reactions in the bar. Even this guy (who reminded me of a black Patti Smith) who fucking BLEW my mind with his slam poetry - came up and told me how much he enjoyed my piece.

I was totally inflated and humbled at the same time. I always forget how fun it is to do shit like this and just throw something you spewed out to people who are into reading and listening to shit like that. It's that weird energy exchange I guess. It's fucking great. You seriously do suck it up from the people who are up there, dumping their hearts out on stage for you, and you just collect it all like a scavenger. Then - you get up on stage yourself and dump it all back out - fire it with both barrels at them - and you can feel THEM sucking it back up.

Delicious. Mind blowing.

But yeah. I'm gonna do WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more poetry nights in the near future cuz it's like, better than Karaoke even!!!! For real.

You know, I'm at work right now and I can't even publish the little Academia #5 poem I wrote for this blog, but I will when I get home. I just get all excited so I had to share the experience.

Why I never did this in University - is fucking beyond me.

Jesus. I TOTALLy wasted all those years. I coulda been a Reality Biter.

Instead, I was just a mere Kildare Trio groupie.

The humility. But a fun night, fo shizzle. Next time I read - I'll post on this blog beforehand so EVERYONE can come see me!!!!!

And maybe bring some poems to read too, cuz EVERYONE should do it.

It's therapeutic! Like smashing a T.V. set.

Even though I've never done it. But I'd love to.

*sigh*

Off to sribbble in my tattered notebook, wear my horned rimmed glasses and sip my coffee in a dark corner, while I brood and ponder life's deeper aspects.

JUST KIDDING!!

but i am off to write.

hearts and farts,

dan