Folk on My Show and at Phog Tonight

Pictured above is folk singer Allison Brown.
She's going to be playing Phog in Windsor tonight opening for Twilight Hotel (from Winnipeg).
She will also be performing live on my radio show on Monday - so this is really more of a little promo (for her and myself) than a blog.
Eventually my website for my show will take care of this sort of thing - but until that is launched (probably in the next week) - this will have to do.
She's really cool, from what I hear.
I played her album Everything That Shined on my show several times - and it's nice.
It's folk, with a country and blues tinge - and the "C" word usually turns lots of people off - it used to turn me off.
Then I realized how much I seriously love country.
And I don't mean Billy Ray Cyrus and Shania Twain.
I'm talking Dolly Parton, Hank Williams, Sherrie Austin, Loretta Lynn, Patsy Cline.
Its' incredible how many bands today are influenced by country.
Liz Phair, Lou Reed, Hope Sandvoval and Mazzy Star, Frente, Wilco, Beck, the Gossip, Lauryn Hill, Lucinda Williams, Luscious Jackson.
Beautiful.
So - I always viewed folk as like...a twanged-down country. Still beautiful vocals and guitars, still the same story-telling conversational way of singing - but less twang.
If anyone is into folk - go see Allison Brown at PHOG tonight - and the headlining band Twilight Hotel are also DAMN good...it's a guy/girl duo who do folk stuff....a bit more rocking though, electric guitars, etc.
Or - listen to my show this Monday 7 p.m. 91.5 FM you can listen online at www.cjam.ca - it'll be all folk/country-influenced stuff - from local to abroad.
For more on Allison Brown -her website is www.allisonbrown.ca

Laters!

dan

Disclaimer to Any Authorities Who Read This and Want to Arrest Me for Questionable Content. (I Apologize in Advance!)

The blogs below are just my opinion.
After I wrote them I had some weird (but not necessarily unrealistic) vision of some men in suits knocking at my door because I used the word "bomb" and "public place" and "terrorist" and "conspiracy" in the same blog.
Then my imagination got away with me.
I pictured them confiscating my computer and sending me to prison for being unpatriotic and having gay porn on my computer.
Which I don't.
Of course not.
But you never know what these bastards will plant.
Then I had visions of me in jail - in a pink jumper, lipstick and eyeliner - my hair (which is getting LONG and i'm so proud of growing it!) in pigtails - like a "PRAG" from that prison show on HBO - "OZ" - and I'm someone's bitch and he brands a swastika on my ass and claims me as his personal property and fuck-bunny.
Sound hot.
But - bottom line - I don't want to go to jail.
These are all just an opinion pieces - observations.
Just mindless editorials that I don't even really take seriously.
I don't *REALLY* think someone higher is playing us on fear-strings like a puppet.
Not really.
That couldn't happen.
Never.
But - Terrorism is bad.
And all the terrorism that is going on right now - is bad.
All of it.

And I just wanna get along.

So that's my disclaimer.

peace, love and tofu-farts,

dan

The London Bombing Fiasco

I just want to say this blog is in no way any diss towards the events that happened in London with the bombing. Quite the contrary.
In fact - I think this is a bigger fucking mess than we even know.
I think this "war" we are fighting just went internal.
War used to be - to some degree - "O.K." because it was safe.
We could wave our flags up in the air - as long as it takes place over there.
Now that the bombing is slowly being turned on us from the inside - it's inevitable:
We're going to lose control.
No one can stop someone from making a bomb and putting it anywhere.
If *ANYONE* - and I say *ANYONE* meaning literally - ANYONE - including some big shots who hide behind a guise of "defeating terrorism" when meanwhile - they are probably the ones blowing shit up to create some kind of fear mongering frenzy to somehow justify the mess we've made of things - ANYONE can make a bomb in the comfort of their own living room and board a bus, train, subway - or even food court of a mall with a stick of bang-bang in their back packs.
Instant terror.
You can't put a leash on that - unless you put a leash on our freedom.
And that defeats the whole purpose, right?
So what are we fighting for?
And what are these people blowing themselves up for?
What do you care about SO much - that you would KILL yourself for it?
Your mother?
Your lover?
Your freedom?
Your country?
Your God?
Could you strap a bomb to yourself and stand in a room full of strangers and ignite your body in flames and sparks and explosions - taking everyone out with you based on your beliefs?
But wait a minute...
Convenient that we all have a nice neat picture of the "terrorists" together - on their way - with their backpacks - to blow shit up.
The news released this picture (which i grabbed from CNN.com) to everyone in London asking them to study the pictures hard.
So I did.
And something is not right with one of the bombers.
His face in particular.
Take a closer look below.
I've blown it up for you.

The True Face of Terror: There's Really Nothing to be Afraid of, Or Is There?

The alleged "terrorist" behind the other in this pic is in front of a fence of some sort - with three bars.
Take a close look at his face.
He is wearing a white hat.
But wait.
Funny how you can still see the bar he is supposed to be standing in front of - going THROUGH where his face should be.
Another thing:
Notice the third bar down.
Again - he is supposedly standing IN FRONT of this fence - yet the third bar myesteriously seems to be infront of him in this blown up picture of the image that appeared on many reputable (or supposedly reputable) national news stations.
Was this person's face rubbed out?
Is it the invisible man?
Did someone do a rushed job of fabricating a nice graphic to give our "terrorists" a face?
Except, they forgot the face.
Are there any terrorists, or is this whole fucking mess someone fucking with us?
Am I a conspiracy nut?
I have no idea.
That's what's terrifying.
But click on this picture.
It will open up in a new window and you can get a closer look at it.
There is no face...
Not that I can see.
I did some research and others feel the same as I do.
Click it and take a look for yourself.
What do you see?
Is there anything to be afraid of?
Or do we even have any idea how afraid we should be?

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! Weighing in at 180 pounds - IT'S A PEEERV!!!!

I'm the first one to say different strokes for different folks.
If making pablum shites in your nappy and sucking on a big bottle of juice gets you off (even if you're in your twenties), well fine.
Hell - I even joke around about how I'd like to "do infantalism" for a day, except my "baby fantasy" isn't sexual in nature.
I just want someone to bring me a big fat bottle (of rye) - and hell - if they wanna rub a little baby powder (or baby oil) on me and sing me some sweet, folky lullabye (especially if they sound like Hope Sandoval) - I'm all for it! I'll even ga-ga and goo-goo for you.
Hell - if the bottle is big enough - I might even end up shite-ing myself.
Anyway....I'm drifting.
My purpose or inspiration for this little post - is about the idea of unusual and sometimes (though I hate to use the word) "Freudian" dynamics in relationships.
I was speaking to someone the other day - who is a bit older than me - maybe early thirties - and he kept making references to his "boy".
"His boy?" I kept thinking to myself while he was talking.
"Good Lord - did he adopt!??!?!"
Just before I was about to congratulate him on becoming a Gay Daddy - I clued in:
He was referring to his boyfriend.
"Hmm...interesting term...", I thought to myself.
I still had to bite my tongue to congratulate him on becoming a gay "Daddy".
Just a term.
We all have them - and I think gay people especially are kind of challenged with some weird...uncomfortable stigma when it comes to what we call our significant others.
I personally have no quams at all with "Boyfriend".
I think it's sleek, it's sexy, it's hip - and Liz Phair uses it.
That's good enough for me.
Some people feel "Boyfriend" implies a not-so-serious relationship.
I've been with Life Partner, aka Boyfriend - for over five years now - so that dispells any myths about what it means to be a "Boyfriend".
At the same time...I can understand why some people are weirded out by saying "My Boyfriend". At times I even stumble over waht to call him - kind of shying away from "My Boyfriend" because it sometimes just doesn't sound right.
Maybe it is internalized homophobia on my part.
Maybe it is a little elf nudging us at the back of our heads to stay in the closet - even if we are COMPLETELY out to everyone.
Maybe a small part of us can't bring ourselves to say "boyfriend" because we are conditioned with the idea that a "Boyfriend" is something a girl has.
And god only knows - HEAVEN FORBID we as men associate ourselves with anything remotely feminine or girl-like. Yeah right.
(Cut to me: Hosting an entire radio show dedicated to female singers every monday night on cjam 91.5fm - 7 p.m. mailto:girlbandsrock@hotmail.com)
Sorry.
Had to shamelessly plug myself.
Back on track:
Maybe some feel it does imply an immature relationship.
A boyfriend is something an eleventeen year old has.
A "Partner" is something a mature person "has".
A "husband".
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhh!!
It makes me shiver.
No, "Life Partner" will do just fine.
So I guess to each his own.
While some can't use the term "boyfriend" - I couldn't imagine the term "husband" comfortably rolling off my tongue in everyday converstation.
But "Boy"?
Hmmm...
(insert raised eyebrow)
Of course - his "Boy" was much younger than him. Playful, immature....maybe naive.
I can remember, when I was 19 - this guy who was 26 or 27 at the time was interested in me because I "Seemed totally clueless".
Silly faggot. I wasn't "clueless".
I was stoned!!!
Just kidding. Well, I probably was stoned.
And I was trying to be a little rebellious. I was surrounded by all these gay people - some of them flamboyantly gay stereotypes (which I LOVE and I am not for a MINUTE putting flamboyantly flaming gay men down here - flamers ROCK ON!!) but I never saw "gay people" before - and i was terrified of having to fit into some pigeon-holed niche of what a small, uneducated portion of the population though gay people were.
I didn't want to be "gay".
I just wanted to screw a guy.
I didn't really care about "gay culture".
So i guess when I was like "what's a gay icon?" "What's the pride parade about?" - he thought he would be a "daddy" and I would be his "boy" and he'd take me under his wing like a young grasshopper and teach me the ropes and trials and tribulations of what it takes to have to sit in a bar filled with other men who like to screw men - and endure hardcore techno music for several hours at at time.
I failed miserably - but he turned out to be a nice guy anyway.
It's interesting though.
Some people - many people - maybe all of us in some way - want to be either taken care of - be it financially - or getting your nappy changed - or want to take care of someone else.
Be it watch their back when they pull out of the driveway - or wipe the spittle from the corner of their mouth with a pink silk napkin.
Gay websites are loaded with "Daddy - Son" role play.
Though Freud is fucked....it's safe to say he would have a field day - and many a theory could be proven looking at the vast amount of "Gay Daddy-Son" sex related sites on the net.
I guess I'm not really going anywhere with this. I don't really have a point.
Except maybe different strokes for different folks.
I really don't think it's bad that my aquaintance calls his boyfriend his "boy".
I just don't understand it.
But maybe I do.
Everyone just wants someone to take care of them - or someone to take care of - and being humans - we all have this to different extremes.
I'm gonna go have Life Partner refill my bottle with my special "formula" and change my filthy, dirty nappy now.
I've been a bad, bad, bad baby.
Gah-gah.

hearts and pablum shites,

Danny

Rubber Johnny: Why Nightmares are Beautiful.

Anyone remotely interested in story-telling, visual or performance art needs to know about this.
Alienation, repulsion, hallucinations, nightmares, confusion - all going on behind the locked door of a sad teenager's bedrooom while the parents are busy watching T.V., set to the soundtrack of tripped out, electronic music.
Sound familiar?
I think any sixteen year old kid who can relate with feeling like a mutant in the eyes of society (even if only in his or her own head) can relate to this one.
I was recently turned on to this new short film and I am thoroughly TOUCHED and in awe of this piece of work.
Sure it's shrouded in a brilliant veil of genius gore and shot in a very disturbing infrared night vision - but there's something about this little piece that disturbs me SOOO deeply...something about it just fucking resonates in me.
It's called Rubber Johnny - and from what I am reading about - is a creepy, innovative and beautifully filmed and animated story of a lonely teenage boy, bi-polar, insane and deformed - the mutant son of two hick, red neck parents who keep him locked to his own devices in a pitch black basement bedroom because they are ashamed of him.
From my own take on it - it's a story about solitary confinement, whether it's your own body or your own mind that acts as bars that keep you a prisoner - and the ways we try to make ourselves at least feel like we are free.
After I watched it for the first time today - I couldn't stop playing it.
Couldn't stop thinking of it, the things it said - the immediate thoughts it provoked and then the really scary, sublime things it suggested.
Dependency, both on chemicals and care givers, stupidity, social and mental retardation, the decay of the mind and our own independence - which probably links back to dependency on chemicals and care givers.
On my first watch - it immediately conjured up notions of something the Aphex Twin would do.
The fast, jerky movements, the spastic, fucked up, blasting music that sound like a jet train crashing into the control panel for the world - it was all there.
This alone - gets under my skin.
About ten years ago - I bought the "...I Care Because You Do..." album by the Aphex Twin - and listened to it all the time, stoned and alone in my room - because it would lull me to sleep at night amidst this big buzz of techno fuzz - and I always had trouble falling asleep all alone - I still do actually.
Then one night - I had the WORST nightmare of my ENTIRE LIFE while listening to that CD in my locked bedroom.
To this day - I have never been more frightened in my life.
I dreamed there was this hidden circle of people who owned houses in the poor areas of town, and they slaughtered people like me, hung them on meet hooks and gutted them alive, degraded them, made them cannibalize each other, fuck the already dead (or half-dead) bodies of other victims - sometimes our own former friends - and in turn - people who we thought were our friends did the same to us.
So who was the victim? We were forced to victimize each other.
I woke up mid-dream because it started to get a little too heavy - and I actually HALLUCINATED someone in my bedroom - ducking behind a door.
All the while - the Aphex Twin was spinning in my CD player.
I LITERALLY bolted from my bed and RAN from my room, physically shaking, unable to breath and screaming hysterically.
No. Word. Of. A. Lie.
To this day, I have NEVER listened to that album again.
I can't even look at the cover (which is a ghastly self-portrait of the artist).
It just chills me to the bone.
Maybe one day I'll write a blog about that dream...I don't even want to get into it right now.
Regardless - I'm drifting - as usual.
I looked up the video clip for Rubber Johnny on google (what else?) and based my search only on the title of the clip "Rubber Johnny".
I discovered that my first hunch was correct.
IT was indeed an Aphex Twin creation - coupled with the fucking BLOW MY MIND genius film editing and animation of Chris Cunningham (director of music videos by Portishead and Bjork - including the genuis All Is Full Of Love video).
I highly suggest watching it.
The character of Rubber Johnny is actually played by the director himself and his "shape shifting" is his own body - including his genitals and rectum - morphed into his face, eyes and chest.
I think this is the kind of visual artistry that MOVES me the most right now.
It's disturbing and terrifying, but backed by so much emotion - and a twisted
sense of humour - you have to see it to really get what I mean.
So after all the hype - here's the clip.
Enjoy - and don't watch it in the dark.


http://wimp.com/rubberjohnny

hearts and farts,

dan.

Rain Makes Me Feel Like -

- I'm sixteen and I'm in love.
- I'm a kid who doesn't care about anything.
- I'm dirty and wet and it doesn't matter.
- The neighbors are watching me and smiling.
- I'm madly head over heels for somone.
- I'm stranded and alone and can take care of myself.
- My heart is pumping and my blood is moving.
- The entire world could be ending right now.
- My hair is plastered to my scalp in an ugly way.
- It's beautiful.
- Everything around me is growing.
- You have the biggest eyes in the world.
- I can live forever and so can the person next to me.
- I'm warm and safe.
- I'm wild and all consuming.
- I'm romantic and spontaneous.
- If I died tomorrow, this would be worth it.
- I'm drunk in the summer daylight.
- I'm about to explode all over everyone.
- I love who we've become.
- I don't have to be afraid.
- This is all that matters at the end of the day.
- I'm happy.

BITCH OVERBOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life Partner and I took part in the fantastic dragon boat races this Sunday.
It's the annual fundraiser event to raise awareness and cash to fight breast cancer.
Regardless of the whole "gay" thing, no one can appreciate a good set of knockers better than Life Partner and I - so neither of us minded donating our time and making an appearance at this extremely worthy cause.
It was held at the lovely and tropical Sandpoint Beach (dubbed "Unemployment Beach" by our friend Danielle).
Apparently the beach is a magnet for the unemployed.
"Fair enough," I thought to myself.
I can recall smoking a big fat joint or two back in my non-working days when I was in highschool, watching the waves crash on my barefeet as I pretended I lived in a big, ritzy house on riverside drive - and Windsor wasn't really Windsor - but it was California - and I wasn't Dan MacDonald - I was Clay or Julien from Less Than Zero and the Bangles were my friends and they wrote the song Hazy Shade of Winter about me - even though they didn't write it - Simon and Garfunkle did - but hey:
I was sixteen and high. What do you expect?
Ah...the life of the unemployed.
They live richer than we ever could.
Anyway. I'm drifting.
The beach was in fine form.
Tampons, shite sludge and hypodermic heroin needles had been cleaned up and believe it or not - you could actually see the bottom of the lake.
Or is it the river?
Whatever.
The sand probably served as litter box to every glamous riverside drive cat in town and the entire beach smelled like asparagus piss mixed with rotten onions, but the male species that were out there with their shirts off had me staring for inappropriately long amounts of time and made the stink bareable.
This one particularily hunky hunk of man-meat who was actually on our team did us the great service of removing his shirt and flexing his fine ass muscles for us.
"HOT DAMN JESSSSSSSSSSSSSUS!" I hissed to Life Partner, and had to grab his shoulder to steady myself from falling face first into a handful of toddlers who were building a sand castle.
"Where's the port-o-potty, I think I'm gonna faint!"
But I didn't.
The dragon boats themselves seat twenty people (as pictured above) with one extra person at the front of the boat who keeps count of our strokes and beats a drum to keep time.
If the entire boat is not in sync, it just doesn't go fast enough and we end up looking like a boat full of rejects, which we probably were anyway.
But...none of us were in it to "win".
We weren't going to get a gold medal, a prize, a trip to the middle east - or anything.
It was all about raising money for titties - that was what we did - and after that - we just wanted to get in a boat and have fun.
As did everyone.
So we had three races.
Our "counter" for the first race was a really nice chick.
She kept a great count, had us going with positive energy, started chanting "ICE COLD BEER" to keep us motivated - and even though it was only 9 a.m. - it was the thought of a nice ice coldie as a reward after I made it through that race that really got my energies pumping and my arms working.
We came in last - by a SECOND - literally all three boats were all in at the exact same time - but when you got technical, the other two beat us by a hair.
Big deal.
Our counter slapped five to all of us on the way off the boat and we went on our merry way.
A few hours later we had our second race.
We had this chick - who took it a little bit more serious than our last counter - but she too was in it to have fun.
"Alright guys!! We're gonna win it, right!?"
"Sure...."
"Yeah..."
"Huh..?"
So we went - coming in second place this time around - our energies totally pumped - she was great, cheering us on - like a cheerleader - it rocked. I felt great! I actually WANTED to win.
By the time our third and final race came about, Life Partner and I resembled two sun dried tomatos.
I was craving a big fat glass of long island ice tea (that was waiting for me in the fridge) and Life Partner was starting to talk about going home to roll a joint or three, and then curling up on the couch to watch "9 to 5" baked off our asses.
"It would be nice, but we have boobies to save," I said, and he agreed.
Our team was called "The St.Clair College Castaways".
I suggested we call ourselves "The One Tit Wonders", but seeing as this was a fundraiser for breast cancer - no one else thought it had a very nice ring to it.
Whatever.
So - our final race.
We all got in - we scrounged up a few extra people to fill some blank seats in the boat and we were determined to win.
Then - our counter came on board.
She looked like a cross between Shirley McLaine, Adolf Hitler and the biggest 55 year old bull dyke you've ever laid eyes on.
"We should all think up some fun chant to say," suggested Hot Muscle Boy and everyone agreed.
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" bellowed Bull Dyke.
"DO YOU WANNA TELL ME WHY YOU DO NOT WANT TO START CHANTING???"
She paused and glared.
"DO YOU? WELL - I'LL TELL YOU WHY: YOU'LL WASTE YOUR ENERGY AND LOSE THE RACE. DO YOU WANT TO LOSE THE RACE?
She paused again, glaring at all of us.
"I SAID DO YOU WANT TO LOSE THIS RACE?????"
"NO...."
"Not really..."
"Personally I don't....."
"What do you mean by lose the ra - "
"ALRIGHT FINE THEN! GET IN THE BOAT AND START ROWING! I NEED YOU MOTHERS TO PULL!! PULL!!! PULLL DAMMIT! YOU MAY BE IN THIS THING FOR A SUNDAY CRUISE ON THE WATER AND IF YOU ARE, THAT'S FINE."
The Bull Dyke eyed me directly.
"BUT IF YOU THINK FOR A SECOND THAT I'M HERE FOR THAT - YOU'RE WRONG!
WRONG!
WRONG!
WRONG!
I'M HERE TO WIN TODAY! AND YOU'RE GOING TO WIN THIS RACE.
NOW ROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So we make our way out to the starting point - and I felt like more like the little black boy from roots being hauled away from 'Sweet Home' Africa in a slave boat - being forced to row like a slave-dog by "Masta".
Except "Masta" wasn't a rich, white slave owner.
"Masta" was a trashy, militant man-hater with a bleach blonde crew cut.
"ALRIGHT HOLD IT! HOLD THE GOD DAMN BOAT! ALRIGHT! I WANT YOU TO PADDLE WHEN I SAY PADDLE! I WANT YOU TO STOP WHEN I SAY STOP! I WANT YOU TO DO EXACTLY WHAT I SAY WHEN I SAY IT AND DO EXACTLY WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO WHEN I TELL YOU TO DO IT!"
It was at this point that Life Partner began looking over at our competition in the other boats - to see if they were hearing this.
"HEY!" Bull Dyke snarled at him, focusing her icey cold glare on him.
"DON'T LOOK AT THEM! DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AT THEM! DON'T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF ME FOR EVEN A SECOND! YOU LOOK AT ME! ME! ME! I WANNA SEE YOU ALL FOCUSED AND READY! FOCUSED AND READY! KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME AT ALL TIMES! AT ALL TIIIIIIMES!"
Poor Life Partner turned grey, and I longed to reach out and hug him, whisper in his ear that somehow, someway we would get out of this and we would be free again.
Free to walk around on solid ground, and this bad bad mean "masta" would not be able to hurt us again.
But fuck that. I was too damn scared.
I didn't take my eyes off that bulldog at the front of the boat and Life Partner had to fend for his damn self - cuz I wasn't putting my life on the line with this crazy bitch.
Then - the starting horn buzzed out - and we were off!
"ALRIGHT! HIT IT! ROW! TOGETHER! ROW! TOGETHER! ROW! HIT IT ! ROW! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! HIT IT! HIT IT! HIT IT! ROW! TOGETHER! FOCUS! TOGETHER! ONE! TWO! HIT IT! HIT IT! THREE! FOUR! TOGETHER! FOCUS!"
Her screams became erratic and chaotic!
She beat the poor drum senseless and morphed into a rabid Ani DiFranco wacko dyke - part manhater - part military sargeant.
"TOGETHER! MOVE! TOGETHER! MOVE!"
The drum was pounding in my ear and I rowed with all my might, tears running from my eyes, snot pouring from my nose.
"TOGETHER! ROW! FOCUS! MOVE! GO! PULL!"
*BANG* went the drum.
"FOCUS!"
*BANG*
"TOGETHER!"
*BANG*
"HIT IT!"
*BANG!*
"THERE'S A LOT OF TESTOSTERONE ON THIS BOAT..A LOT OF POWER AND I NEED YOU MOTHERS TO MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT! MOVE THIS DAMN BOAT YOU MOTHERS!!!! MOVE IT!!"
I rowed with all my might - as if my mother herself was waiting at the finish line - in need of my help.
Sweat trickled into my eye and I farted a humdinger - stinky as hell - but the incesstant drumming sounded out the ripple of my fart.
Bull Dyke became frantic.
"TOGETHER!"
*BANG*
"NOW!"
*BANG!*
"MOVE!"
"MOVE!"
"MOVE!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
She screamed.
Screamed!!!
I looked up - shocked, just in time to see the boat take a dive into a huge wave - and she was flying, mid-air head first into the asparagus piss water with a ker-plunk.
I know it's mean and embarassing, but I laughed hysterically - out loud - so hard I could feel a drip of piss seep out onto my bathing suit!
I actually almost pissed myself.
Bulldyke got so into it - she lost her damn balance and threw herself from the fucking dragon boat.
We all did impressions of her as we rowed back in - the only team without a counter - and believe it or not - we could still hear her screeching from somewhere out in the lake "HIt it! Together! Hit it!"
Now that's dedication.
Bitch.
Incidentally, we ended up coming in second place.
No thanks to Masta. But she was good for a laugh - and hopefully we saved a few titties along the way.

Hearts and farts,

Dan

Regurgitated Ideas Being Sold To Us Again and Again and Again and Again and Again and Again...fuck - you get the idea.

Life Partner and I saw Batman Begins last night.
Don't worry - there will be no spoliers in this blog - so I won't ruin the experience if anyone hasn't seen in yet.
But - a little FYI - if you saw the 1989 film Batman - that's all the spoiler you'll need because once again - someone decided to regurgitate the exact same themes and ideas we were dished out the first time around.
Great ideas mind you - but nothing new.
It was a concoction of unoriginal ideas and imagery that everyone has come to associate with the Batman series.
Except...wait a minute...
This wasn't supposed to be part of the series.
This was supposed to be a movie on its own - seperated from the franchise that Tim Burton started back in 1989 with Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson.
This was supposed to be a totally seperate film unto itself, that tells the story of how Bruce Wayne came to be the nocturnal superhero who is cool enough to inspire Prince to pen a whole album full of songs.
I don't know what I was expecting.
Maybe something a little different.
Maybe a new formula.
Maybe a new plot.
Instead - I got EXACTLY what happens in the first one.
A crazy lunatic whose main weapon is some sort of strange gas decides to use it on the entire city of Gotham and the only person who can stop it is the caped crusader.
Gas the city of Gotham - yet again.
Give me a fucking break.
This time around they tried to "update it" by adding in a weak and redundant running social commentary line of "how awful things in society are getting" and draw parallel between our government who use "fear" like a controlling agent to orchestrate the poor unsuspecting people (us) into chaos and terrorism.
Fuck. Off.
If I want to dabble in left wing propaganda (which I LOVE) I'll watcha Michael Moore flick.
Don't turn fucking Batman into some god damn Independence Day Farenheit 9/11.
I'm so sick of this fucking new trend of re-selling and re-packaging the EXACT SAME FUCKING CRAP.
What a waste of money.
A waste of money that I bought a ticket and a waste of the millions of dollars it took to remake a story that has already been told.
A waste of millions of dollars to remake a film that was already made - a definitive version at that.
With all those millions - can't the guys in suits think up something a little different?
Something a little more creative?
Why are we seeing the same movies, songs, posters, images etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc.????
Why do people want to see the same film over and over and over and over and over again?
Do people not like "different" movies anymore?
Do they even make films that are "different" anymore? And if they do - do they get a theatrical release?
Or have the tables turned?
Gone are the days when the "straight to video" films sucked.
Now - it's the straight to video movies that are the GOOD ones - because they have half a brain - but the people who control the movie theatres figure no one wants to see a movie if it has half a brain - so they release it directly to VHS where all the real movie lovers and buffs can just go rent it since no one will bother to go see it anyway on a big screen because it doesn't fit some fucking cookie cutter mold or contain all the proper requirements for what apparently makes a "good movie".
God I wish I worked at a video store still.
Gone was the surreal, dark and eerie Tim Burton imagery - of course.
Tim Burton didn't direct it.
Christopher Nolan did.
So the very cool and dark Tim Burton imagery was replaced by a shoddy replica of the same "dark, mysterious, surreal" Burton-wannabe interpretation of Gotham city - except by Christopher Nolan.
But...if this was a totally different take on the story - why in the world did Nolan take SO many queues from Burton?
Why did he try to replicate what was already done flawlessly back in 1989 if this film was supposed to be so seperated?
He tried to do the SAME THING Tim Burton did - except call it something entirely different.
Possibly the most unnecessary film I have ever seen - it would be like if someone tried to remake Indiana Jones - using spectacular, epic music - but instead of Harrison Ford - it was Pierce Brosnan in the Temple of Doom eating eye ball soup and battling computer generated snakes VS the scarier, more realistic snakes used in the original.
It just would NOT be necessary.
Or if they decided to remake Natural Born Killers - but instead of Woody Harrelson and Juliette Lewis - it's Parker Posey and Michael Douglas.
Or remake Hitchcock's PSYCHO but use Anne Heche and Vince Vaughn.
Wait..they did that too.
Fucking Christian Bale??????
Yeah - Val Kilmer sucked as Batman.
George Clooney SUCKED as Batman.
But at least those films were part of a continuim.
At least it followed some kind of timeline and was BLATANT about cashing in on a franchise and formula that "the big wigs" knew would work.
I thought this was going to be a smart version of Batman.
Hell - I thought this was going to be a "different" version of Batman.
Instead - it so closely resembled the original (minus the GREAT music, great atmosphere, great story line and fantastic fucking costumes and use of colour) that at times - I think the writer even took some dialogue straight out of the 89 version.
"Can you tell me what kind of a lunatic flies around in a bat suit?"
When Christian Bale - (looking like someone's 40 year old dad who was having a mid-life crisis in his Bat suit that didn't fit his face properly - and his black eye make up that did NOT do anything for his crow's feet) - said the line "I'm Batman" in the hoarse, raspy whipser......ah geez Margie...I literally thought it was a sound sample from the Michael Keaton flick.
I always assumed the purpose of the first set of Batman films was to put a "dark, surreal" slant on the story of Batman and Gotham and the DC Comic.
And it did that well.
And then I assumed this version would be more like the comic book - maybe take a few queues from the original film from the sixties, from DC Comics and then add a NEW and fresh slant that none of us have seen before.
But they even followed the exact same marketing techniques...the posters that don't say anything - just show the sillhouette against a black back drop.
Tim Burton should fucking SUE.
Even the title.
It fits right in...Batman Returns, Batman Forever...Batman Begins.
Why didn't they just MAKE this part of the franchise?
All it would have taken is the character of Jack Napier thrown in and a simple line "You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight" - and it would have fit right in.
Go see it if you want.
Or - pop in your copy of Batman from 1989.
The exact same thing - except - it is TRUELY an original, dark slanted piece of pop art on the DC Comicbook and the sixities film and series.
Just as a counter point - some GOOD examples of remakes are:
Titanic (1953 - remade in 1997)
Wizard of Oz (1935 - remade in 1939)
The Fly (1959 - remade in 1986 - currently being remade again for 2006...we'll see..)
Stella Dallas (1937 - remade in 1990 as "Stella" w/ Bette Midler)
Open Your Eyes (1997 - remade into "Vanilla Sky" in 2001)
Dawn of the Dead (1978 - remade in 2004)

Ah well...enough of my opinionated bashing.
But those IS some dang good remakes.

hearts and farts,
dan

Johnny Titor and the Space Time Continuim

Remember Back to the Future, where Michael J. Fox goes back in time in a 1985 DeLorean?
How about Peggy Sue Got Married?
Possibly the coolest nostalgia flick EVER - in which Kathleen Turner plays divorcee Peggy Sue - and she gets to go back to (of all places) her HIGHSCHOOL YEARS and finally has the chance to say all the things to EVERY SINGLE PERSON that she ever wanted to - with the knowlege she gained by looking back on her hey-days in retrospect.
I could only wish.
I've been obsessed with the idea of "going back" since I saw these movies when they played at the theatre.
Along with being a nostalgia junkie - I am also a photo album junkie for the very same reasons.
I love seeing anyone's photos and what they looked like when they were young.
Doesn't matter if I know them or not - if they whip out a photo album - I'm hooked.
I'd kill to see my parents - my friends - even myself as a little boy - and just observe the things we say, did, how we acted - just get a perception of how OTHER people saw us - what kind of person we REALLY were - and ultimately - ARE.
I think it would be so insightful to go back in time and just observe.
Too bad it's impossible.
Or is it?
(insert hair-raising, mad-scientist laughter here)
So in 2000 - this guy named John Titor starts posting on the net.
Not to get all "12 Monkeys" on your asses - but he claims to be a soldier from 2036 - and has some predictions for all of us.
He said that basic time travel will be available in the future - not to physically go back in time (if anyone watched Back to the Future - you would know this could potentially destroy the space time continuim and unravel the threads that hold the Universe ITSELF together) - but through some kind of scientific rig-a-ma-roll through the net - which allows people to post things to message boards - FROM THE FUTURE!
Sure, sure - sounds stupid - he also had various chat sessions on IRC with warnings for us all - and I'm sorry - humour me here - I find this shit fascinating.
Do you wanna know our destiny, as a human race, according to this guy?
Here are a few things Mr. Titor has said.
(this is long and i did take some of it directly from the net - and if you get bored - even though i think it is fascinating - future or not - it IS an educated guess of how things MIGHt turn out the way they are going now -but if you get bored - PLEASE at least fast forward to the end of this blog and AT LEAST read my idea for a band based on this blog!)
(Also...John Titor is actually alive right now - and is a little boy living in Omaha I believe - and it is THIS KID that people believe to be the John Titor who will post on the net from the future when he gets older. )
FUcked up - but look it up. It's a fact.
Anyway, this is about humouring me.
So here we go.
First off - no one ever heard about this story before - because it was so absurd. It didn't matter. He was predicting things SOO far away - anyone could have predicted them.
But in March 2000 - there is copywritten proof via a message board posting - that John Titor predicted (and I quote): "America will soon be engaged with war and North America among other first-world countries will be subjected to terrorist attacks - it's own government taking control over teh people which will ultimately lead to civil war - with itself. A civil war that you will all see the beginnings of in 2004 and 2005 - and this war will escalate until it is indisputable by 2008."
Now at the time (pre September 11th) the idea of America being engaged in a HUGE war - and terrorist attacks in North America - which will eventually lead to World War III - sounded ridiculous.
Fast forward to today - and the thought isn't too far a stretch.
We just had more bombings. Bush has decided to keep his troups in Iraq. More and more tensions growing with pro-war/anti-war sentiments. The government IS taking control.
Anyway...
Please humour me - and be skeptical all the same.
I am. Healthy skeptisism is good.
But - there is a consistency in this dude's stories.
Anyway....here are more predictions.
Apparently by 2008 - the world everyone THOUGHT they were living in - will be over and the World war that this mess which we are possibly seeing the early stages of today will ultimately consume all of us - and we will all be DIRECTLY affected, in severe ways.
Starting in mid-2005 (that's NOW people!)- there will be "a Waco type event every month - that gets progressively worse".
He made numerous comments about Constitutional and civil rights changing in the United States from 2001 - 2005.
He stated that mad cow disease would arrive and be downplayed in the United States.
Titor stated that weapons of mass destruction would not be found in Iraq and that another war would be fought under the pretense of removing its nuclear capability.
He claimed that the U.S. government will assume that its citizens would prefer security rather than freedom. The present USA Patriot ACt could be construed to overtly trade freedoms against the hope of greater security (some say these are Constitutional Freedoms, and another phase is being planned which will allow federal agents to search and arrest citizens without a warrant.) The Act is seen as a vindication of Titor’s prediction, although in times of crisis U.S. citizens (like people all over the world) have proven happy to make this trade, as was well-known when Titor began posting.
Just the other day on CNN - a woman stated "I'll gladly trade in a few freedoms - if that's the price to pay to be safe."
EEEk.
He claims that the seeds of this conflict will begin to be seen in 2004/2005 around the time of U.S. Presidential Election. Continuing Muslim/Jewish tensions are still a problem at that time but are not the cause; instead, anAmerican Civial War is brought on by increasingly intrusive police state tactics more or less resembling the massacres at Waco and Ruby Ridge. The "second civil war" sees those in the cities fighting those in rural areas; Titor fought on the rural forces, joining a "shotgun militia when he was 13.
The civil war is effectively ended by Russia in 2005 when it commences nuclear warfare on most major US cities, eliminating the federal government and thereby securing a 'victory' for the rural forces.
This will be an attack on the U.S. government - NOT the U.S. people.
Most major urban areas in the world are also hit by nuclear bombsin retaliation. Europe afraica and Asia are particularly badly hit in this regard and, Titor claims, are devastated as approximately three billion people die worldwide.
By 2036, people are making progress in recovering from the war.
There are five US states (the seat of government is in Omaha Nebraska).
Society is considerably decentralized, focused on tight-knit rural communities. There is more emphasis on religion, personal interaction (as opposed to mass media and other sources ofsocial isolation) and self-sufficiency.
Technology does not seem to be widely affected, however, with "predictable" advances such as rapid rail transport between cities,space travel and genetic engineering complementing the exotic advances necessary for time travel.
Water must still be filtered or distilled to remove radiactive particles and life is harsh, with people expected to work in the fields to produce locally-grown food for part of their day.
Titor's claims of life in 2036 strongly resemble ideals held by survivalists, militias and some Libertarians in some respects.
He is TOTALLY against consumerism, the military, genetically modified foods, and commercial food processing generally, all of which are positions associated with environmentalism and/or the Political Left.

Fuck. NOw i'm depressed.
See - i don't really believe all of this shit. but - the way the world is going - this bullshit could very well happen, which i guess - if NOTHING ELSE - it's only ONE MORE REASON we have to be happy and be nice to each other and just fucking ENJOY all the shit we have and how lucky we are that TODAY and SO FAR - we aren't suffering in some war torn country - because just as fast as the colours changed when 9/11 happened - I know that EVERY SINGLE THING that I have, that I love and that I maybe even take for granted at times - could be taken away from me and gone with no hope of ever returning.
Sad?
Sure.
But why bother being sad - when we are the RICHEST people in the world right now - even if riches are only measured in the fact that we still have the freedom to go out, get hammered and just LAUGH at ourselves with each other?
Why bother being sad?
This isn't to say we shouldn't be pro-active in changing things so EVERYONE can be happy and no one has to be sad, but that's pretty much the bottom line:
No one has to be sad.
But some people are.
A never-ending circle, such is humankind I guess.
Either way - if I ever do start a band (SUBJECT CHANGE!!!)- i wanna start an "Inter-galactic Free the Thetans rock band" and my songs are gonna predict the future - as according to me - I'm gonna wear "space age" sunglasses, spike my hair up -and use the assumed name of Johnny Titor - and my band will be the Space Time Coninuim.
Who wants to be a member?

Also - if any lead singers out there would like to take the main spot as Johnny Titor - I'll gladly step away from the mic and take a nice cozy spot playing bass in the Space Time Continuim.

hearts and farts,

Marty McFly.

The Notorious K.I.M. Does Prison

"Pardon me your honor, may I address the bench? They try-na assassinate me like they did to Larry Flynt. Excuse my persona, I may be hardcore but I'm not Jeffrey Dalmer."
Lil' Kim is going to PRISON for a year - for lying in court.
Remember the whole shoot-out thing with another rap possse (Capone-N-Noreaga) that happened outside the radio station Hot '97. Basically - Capone-N-Noreaga have a song (ironically titled Bang! BANG!) which contains a small rap of Foxy Brown (Lil'Kim's rival who strives for the Queen Bitch title that Lil' Kim has claimed) in which Foxy rips Kim a new arse hole.
So of couse - what happens when Lil Kim's posse and Capone N Noreaga meet?
Harsh words, fingers flying - and then - guns and bullets.
Jesus people.
Can't we just be happy millionaires?
It's one thing if you're living in a crime infested neighborhood, where it's poor and pissed on and forgotten by everyone, because everyone is "too ascared" to go there at night - but when you are rich and famous and being paid millions to "sit in the shade and sip lemonade" (as Lil' Kim stated in her song No Matter What They Say), then I think it's time we put the guns away and stop playing "gangsta" - and start acting like we actually DID rise above any problems our social, economic or ethnic status placed on us beforehand.
But no.
A shoot out and chaos insued - and the inevitable string of court cases and legal bullshit followed.
So Kim lied about her two dudes involved in the shooting - and then no sooner after she claimed "Nope...didn't see them that night" - the jury was shown a video tape of BOTH MEN holding the door to the radio station open for Kim - just seconds before the shooting.
So she lied.
And now she is sentenced to a year in prison.
Plus one day.
Whether or not she will get out in a year - is another question.
Whether or not she will be sent to a posh country club - or a "hardcore" (the title of her first album) BLACK women's penitentiary (sorry) is another.
Another question might be:
How the FUCK is she going to prison for a year for "lying" - when Michael Jackson "got off" his crazy child molestation charges - and O.J. Simpson got away with slashing up his wife and her love-ah?
Not even a day served!
But Lil' Kim gets a year?
Witch HUNT!
I mean...she wasn't even directly involved in a shooting.
Her finger was not on any trigger. If her body guards pulled guns out - it's their own fucking lack of self-control over a situation which they should have just stayed cool and said "fuck it" with.
But...she lied in court - and - it only takes one Martha Stewart to know that lying in court is probably worse than pulling the trigger.
You're pretty much guaranteed jail time.
Before she was sentenced, she pleaded with the judge to "Look at my entire life's work".
She also stated "I know what I did was wrong. I am a good person. I am a god fearing woman."
So - of course the judge probably DID take a look at her life's work...and here are some snippets of what he found:

"All I wanna do is get my pussy sucked (Nigga!)Count a million bucks in the back of an armor truck.." - from "Suck My Dick"

"Take it out let me sit on it/If you can't make it wet just spit on it/Ah don't stop till it rise to the top/Promise you won't drop till the cherry go *POP*/And if it doesn't fit then use your lips/Oh here it comes, what's my name? QUEEN BITCH." - from "I'm Human"

"Kill niggaz lives for one point five/While you struggle and strive we pick which Benz to drive.."
from "Queen Bitch"

"My girls rock Chanel and smoke mad marijuana." - from "Drugs"

"Niggas ain't stickin' unless they lick the kitten, huh/Too many bitches just be licking the dick and/And I'm a picky one I like my dicks rock hard/Not the sticky ones that taste like slaw/Oh something missing/gold shower pissing/All up in your mouth/What? You think I'm kidding?"
- from "Queen Bitch Pt II"

Sounds like the work of a god-fearing woman to me!
What the HELL was she thinking?
"Look at my life's work."
??????!??!?!!?!?!?
If it was a conservative judge - that pretty much fucked her right then and there.
I'm not even sure what she meant by that comment. Her songs are about gangster life, riches, jewels and hardcore fucking.
But I love her! For sure paved the way for people like Peaches and Stink Mitt.
She stands barely five feet - the watermelon sized fake tits, the weave, the nose job, the botox.
It's not gonna last that long in "the big house" - and she's gonna have to prove how hardcore her "god-fearing self" can be when she's up against some of the Big Mamas in prison.
Either she's gonna be taken care of by a group of hardcore gay-for-the-stay female gang bangers who looked up to her when they were free - or she's totally fucked - and they're going to teach her first hand - about all the things she only used to rap about beforehand.
*shiver*

Either way....it still baffles me that the Notorious K.I.M. is going to jail for a year for....lying.
ah well...I guess even good, christian, god-fearing rappers break a few of the ten commandments once in a while.

hearts and "gats",

dan

Live 8 - Ending World Poverty, One Dolce and Gabanna at a Time.

It's noble to get proactive about ending suffering around the world, no question about it.
But - having to sit through a world wide broadcast of some of the most richest celebrities in the world preach to us - a group of predominantly working class people - about what WE have to do to end world poverty, is another thing entirely.
The Live 8 concerts which took place this weekend - although rooted in good cause and good intention - reeked of pretention, redundancy and borderlined on rich, spoiled whining and "look at me - how great I am! HOW GREAT I AM!"
Madonna made a plus of six digits to be in a Gap commercial.
Elton John is quoted saying how it is "beyond most people's comprehension" the level of luxury he lives in on a daily basis.
Celine Dion has sold herself to the wonderful and lucrative world of advertisements, including a hefty contract with Daimler-Chrysler, Air Canada - not to mention a VERy cozy "full-time job" playing Vegas nightly to sold out shows.
Bono and his band U2 spend millions and millions on equipment alone when they go on tour - and that's just to have a few nifty special effects behind them, so they can jack up their ticket prices to astronomical amounts, when meanwhile - at the end of the day - they are just four guys who play instruments and sing songs.
I think it's safe to say - they are living comfortably and have made enough money for several generations after them to live just as comfortably.
Good for them, of course.
BUT.
When Bono starts coming to Canada's Prime Minister - asking him to give more money to Africa to "end poverty" - and then has the FUCKING audacity to label Paul Martin as "uncooperative" and "impossible to work with" because he could only give XX amount of money - I only have two things to say:
FUCK.
YOU.
FILTHY.
RICH.
BASTARD.
Whoops.
Sorry, that was five things.
While I am sure it is true that many of these stars do donate millions of dollars to charity - (otherwise they would have to pay ridiculous taxes for the ridiculous amount of money they make) - there are two things that really piss me off.
1. - It is US - the consumers - who made them rich in the first place. It is us - the consumers - who pay $500 dollars a ticket so we can have sixth row Madonna seats or sit at the tip of the high-tech, state of the art heart-shaped stage at the U2 concert.
It is our money we shell out working shitty jobs to save up for that RIDICULOUSLY PRICED CD that costs $27.99 plus tax - when we know CDs are only pennies to burn.
We - the working class people shell out the money that these people live luxuriously off of.
I don't want to come off as a bitter poor boy.
I'm not putting anyone down for the way things are, economy-wise.
Regardless if it is them who demand to charge $500 a ticket - or us who pay it out willingly, like consumer monkeys. We are equally accountable.
But - the bottom line - it is the working class people - US - who shell out the big bucks that allow these people to live "beyond most people's comprehension".
It is also US - who buys the Live 8 tickets.
It will ultimately be our money - not the money of the stars - who live nestled in the Hollywood Hills and Malibu Love Nests - who put a dent in world poverty.
Maybe Madonna and Bono did donate two hours of their time to do "what they love doing" for free. It's still the people who raised the money. Not Bono - who lives in a mansion. Not Madonna who lives in a Palace in England. Not Sir Elton John who bathes in bottled water.
2. - IF these people wanted to be truely noble - and TRUELY loved what they did for a living - they would cut themselves down to a "modest" yearly income of say....$140,000/year.
MORE than enough for ANYONE to live comfortably on. VERY comfortably on.
If Every Single Celebrity who is rich beyond "anyone's comprehension" did this - they could LITERALLY solve world hunger.
But what do they do? The donate a few hours and beg the people who put them up on the pedestal they now reside on and beg like little pan handlers for us to give MORE MORE MORE.
THey bitch at our politicians who have an ENTIRE COUNTRY to look after - and then at the end of the day they go home to one of their mansions in some posh, secluded neighborhood.
Or better yet - they go and get featured on "CRIBS" or "LIfestyles of Rich and Famous" or "The Fabulous Life Of..." to rub it in our faces and hold their rich and ridiculously extravagent lifestyles over our heads and infront of our noses like a big fat, over-rip cherry just to flaunt it that much more and show us EXACTLY how rich WE really made them.
They live above and beyond luxury.
They throw money at ridiculous religions and then bitch and whine and moan and throw a big concert where everyone gets to scream and cheer for them because they just get "physically ill" (as the SUPER RICH Bob Geldof and organizer of Live 8) phrased it - at the fact that so many people in the world die of starvation every single second - and how unfair it is that people have to live in such lowly means.
Of course Bono is going to bitch and complain at our Prime Minister.
Bono is taken care of, regardless.
Could Bono survive on a 18,000/year income, like I do?
Could Elton John survive on a $140,000 income a year - or would that be "below the poverty line" for his apparently "inconceivably rich lifestyle"?
That's why - although lined with good intentions - Live 8 is a joke.
YEah - for a day they all came together - but at the end of that VERY SAME DAY - two things stayed the same:
1. They are still among the richest, most comfortable, most taken care of, financially blessed and ELITE in the world, raking in MORE money than they will EVER be able to spend in a single lifetime.
2. Their money sits, tied up in Scientology, fur coats, diamonds, mansions, multiple collections of fast, snazzy cars - while more and more people - not only in Africa - but down the STREET from the mansions - work two jobs - scraping toilets and serving fast food burgers just so they can BARELY make it to the poverty line - if they are lucky - while others die in the streets because there just isn't enough money to feed everyone.

Does this make ANY sense at all?
So is Live 8 a good thing? It's a great idea.
But the bottom line: A spit in the bucket.
But who am I to judge?
I'm just sick of the rich people BEGGING me for my money - or bitching if I burn a CD that is over priced to begin with.
Fuck that.
They want to end world hunger?
Try living off a NORMAL yearly income - and with the other fifty MILLION dollars - go on ahead and prove how noble you are and END IT once and for all.
Oh yeah...
and then I'll show you my flying pet pig.

Bling Bling, Brother$ and $isters.

Bling. Bling.

The Perfectly Logical and Scientific Teachings of The Church of Scientology.

I always assumed Scientology was like...religion for the practical minded person.
While radical Christian fundamentalists don't even believe in dinosaurs (it goes against the whole Adam and Eve theory) - I assumed that Scientology kept the spiritual beliefs of their followers in tact, but allowed room for scientific and logical explanation, grounded in proven scientific research and fact.
Remind me never to assume anything again.
Here's a few "facts" about the Church of Scientology and their beliefs.
75 million years ago, the head of the Galactic Federation (yes, you are reading correctly - the highest chairs in the church address that the Galactic Federation exists), made up of 76 planets, was a being named Xenu.
Poor Xenu, as head of the Galactic Federation, he was faced with an overpopulation problem.
Of course - he brought his people (aliens, called "Thetans") to this pretty little blue and green planet we humans call "earth".
He then did what any intergalactic leader would do when faced with the problem of over-population:
Blew them up with hydrogen bombs, and packaged them.
Scientoligists believe the spirits of the long dead "thetans" now infest our bodies.
It is these "Thetans" which are the cause of all of mankinds "ills" - including (and not limited to) poverty, sickness, unhappiness and - yep - you guessed it: HOMOSEXUALITY and it is the Scientologist's mission to "DESTROY THE THETANS!"
Scientologists at the higher levels (Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Kirstie Alley) try to rid themselves of these thetans (spirits) by helping each one to remember the painful experiences of being blown up by a hydrogen bomb and being repackaged.
Or paying VAST sums of money to their church to gain a higher status.
Whichever.
It was started in the fifties by a fucking pulp SCIENCE FICTION WRITER (gee..where do we start with the first clue that this religion is all FAKE? The fact that it's about aliens, or the fact that it was started in this generation - or the fact that it was made by a SCIENCE FICTION WRITER???!?!) who said at one point in his career, frustrated that he couldn't sell many copies of his cheese dick books: "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."
Gotta give him props for going out and making his money.
Pretty weird though.
You write a cheesey story about aliens - call it "pulp fiction" and no one buys it.
You write a cheesey story about aliens - call it "RELIGION" - and everyone falls for it.
What is the matter with this picture here?
I don't get how anyone can fall into this!
Nevermind that it's based on money.
Apparently - the more you pay - the higher calibre you are in the church.
How I see it - it provides rich people with a tax break.
They donate all this money into something dubbed a "religion" - which is really little more than a money-grabbing fantasy dreamed up by a hack writer - and they get a tax break and a little bit of recognition because they make fucking ten ZILLION dollars for farting in their "leaked" sex tape.
It's a sad sad world when you have so much money - and literally no concept of what to do with it, where to put it or how to make it work for you.
Not that I'm a financial advisor, but jesus - blowing it on CDs and a case of beer to share with friends is one thing.
Blowing it in aliens who are infesting our body is entirely different.
But in truth - who am I to judge?
Maybe I do have little critters swimming around all over my body - just wishing a scientologist would come along and release them.
But fuck, I'm just too damn broke - so the little fuckin' thetans are gonna have to suffer it out with me in this life.
I'm just baffled - totally BAFFLED - that this religion is seriously thriving and working and still running.
It's the most blatantly obvious scam - IN THE WORLD.
I though the born again Christians were nuts.
AT least they use the basis of guilt, torture and eternal hellfire to brainwash and threaten you into believing they are right.
But aliens?
Fuck it man.
Leave my THETANS ALONE!!
SAVE THE THETANS!
DESTROY SCIENTOLOGISTS!!!

Who is with me here?? Who wants to start a PRO-THETAN religion??
They have rights too!
Since the 1950's they've been repressed and exterminated by Scientologists around the globe - but we have to wake up and realize that tolerance is the way to go.
Thetans have rights too.
I for one - am going to embrace my thetans and accept them as a natural part of who we are.
Logic and Science has proven - if they haven't killed off the human population after 75 million years of existence (according to Scientology) chances are, they don't pose much of a threat to us.
So why not let them be?
Can't we all just get along?

hearts and farts,

dan



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